booty bumpin' guide
ahem...
HOW TO BOOTY BUMP: AKA RECTAL ADMINISTRATION by littlepenguin
So you wanna put meth up your butt? Well, you've come to the right place my friend. Follow these tried and true steps for the best booty bumping experience possible.
EQUIPMENT:
1) A baby nose cleaner. Yes, this thing right here:
Walk thru the baby aisle with all the lotions and diapers and whatnot and you'll find it there, for like two or three dollars. Keep it clean, and you'll have a booty bumper for a loooong time.
2) A shallow dish or bowl to put your booty bump shot in.
3) semi-lukewarm water
PREPARATIONS:
1) Obtain product. Weigh out desired amount of product (for me, I put some out on the counter and crush it up and chop it really fine as if I was setting up a rail, and I even do set up a rail, because that way it's easy for me to recognize how much of the powder I will be adding to my water. I do this because often times, you'll grab a tiny leetle shard and you'll think 'man this ain't shit' but then you crush it up to do a line and you're all 'where the eff did that come from'...and not only that, since I always grab too much for myself, well golly gee, I've got a line all set up for me later. Two birds, one stone. You know the drill.)
2) Get your dish. Ramekin. Monkey dish. Small bowl. Whatever the hell you wanna use. I use a tall shot glass, because this way I don't add too much water to the mix. (If you do add too much water, just find a bottle to keep it in for later. Waste not, want not.) Add your finely chopped product to the shot glass. Top with kinda lukewarm water (a little warm water is very relaxing for your poop chute. However, do NOT USE HOT WATER! yeowcha! Err on the side of caution, and when you think you've got a temp you want, do it just a little cooler than that, until you figure out what's comfy for you.) I digress. So, semi lukewarm water and product in shot glass. How much water, you ask? Well, I guess I would say about one oz. of H2O, (approx. 30 mL) or maybe a tad more. It's important to use enough water, but not too much. If you don't use enough, well, you'd be trying to shoot goo up your......yeahhhhhhh anyways....and if you use too much, and you shoot all that water up your sphinchter, you're gonna have to poo like nobody's biz...so find a happy medium and stick around an oz of fluid or so.
OPTIONAL, YET AWESOME PREPARATION:
Enema. Yep, enema. Don't gimme that look, you're about to put meth up your ass with a baby nose dropper for pete's sake, so just listen.
I never ever use chemical enemas, the ones that are supposed to make you poo. No no no. I just use a little bit (about 1/4 cup or a tad more) of semi lukewarm water and a dash of salt, squeeze it up there, stick your ass up in the air for about 5-10 seconds, and get up and go to the toilette and do your thang. Not only does this leave you with a minty fresh clean feeling, but your sphinchter will have more free area to absorb your dopeage! Brilliant!
RECTAL ADMINISTRATION:
1) Grab your baby nose cleaner. Your shot mix should be chillin' in your bowl/cup/dish of choice. Squeeze bulb on baby nose cleaner. Stick end into dish/glass. Release the squeeze, sucking up all the deliciousness preciousness into the bulb of the squishy thingy.
2) Find a place to get comfy, cuz you're gonna be there for a minimum of ten minutes. Grab your phone, your laptop, your mom, your cat, whatever you like.
3) Lay a towel down. Shit happens, yo.
4) Lay down on your left side, with your left leg extended, and right leg flexed forward for balance. See here:
Don't like that position? Try this one:
Either way, you need to lay still for AT LEAST 10 minutes. So I prefer position 1, so then I can watch some p0rns on the old laptop or what have you. (booty bumps make me wicked crazy horny I tell ya...)
5) Lube up your balloon knot or lube up the end of the baby nose cleaner with a little spit, or lube, or whatever you want, or just throw it in raw dog. Whatever makes you happy. Not like you're about to take king kong kock here or anything. Slide it in about 1/2-3/4". Squeeze bulb firmly, but gently. You don't want to blast it inside, but you want the motion to be swift enough to get it all in one squirt. Doing more than one squishy squirt isn't bad, but it forces extra air in there and I am not a huge fan.
6) Lay still and relax. Take deep breaths. It's usually a tiny tad uncomfortable for the first 3-4 minutes (the feeling like you're gonna shit yourself) but just relax and know that the feeling will pass shortly. Don't poo. You'll end up taking a really expensive shit. Nobody wants expensive shits.
Well, there ya go! You have just successfully administered illegal drugs up your poop chute! Call your moms!
