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Welcome Recovery area for social chit chat. Grab a coffee and pull up a chair.

I have not drunk coffee much for the last year. I find it causes a sharp increase in my anxiety with zero noticeable alertness benefits.

However I indulged today while waiting for my suboxone injection appointment (my support worker and I got there 20 min early and the service runs notoriously late so didn't want to wait inside) and I found the closest cafe.

The cafe was... Interesting. Lots of coffee equipment. The coffee was a simple $2 donation to the Ukraine.

The quality? Utter garbage. Haven't had worse. Tasted somewhat like stale bread.

I think it's now been ruined for me. For good.
 
Been thinking on this thread since it's posting.
Lot's to think about and defining recovery has been hard for me for some reason. Recover hints at getting something back that one previously held. In my case recovery would seem to aim for and attain goals that are new to me. More aptly finding/creating a life that has never been. Hard to explain....
Not sure I wanna recover more. Not even sure what my thoughts are on it all ultimately. Something keeps looping me in cycles and I am feeling it isn't the drug use (however minimal) but something I cannot seem to get a grip on. Cycles are natural. But what of wanting to break a natural phenom such as hills and valleys and stay on the hill? We all know this is not sustainable.
I do, however, strive to create a life that is more "comfortable", healthy and mentally stable for our klan. Time enough spent on creating misery and pain. Indifference is no longer an option and although things are not always rosy; spending as much quality time (just being "there" seems to work) with my loves before time runs out has become my top priority.
I typed all this and it probably doesnt have anything to do with thread topic. Kinda bad about this.
Lot's more floatin around my head and undoubtedly will write it out as wisps take form. Seems this is a subject that I try to avoid as it takes thought and we all know Imma lazy fuck. ;) Well, not lazy, really; just that a lot of my previously held perspectives on what is important to me are changing and instead of planning my life around what I held important, what is important will be appended to my life.
I am confused. :rolleyes:
 
Eligiu said:
I have not drunk coffee much for the last year. I find it causes a sharp increase in my anxiety with zero noticeable alertness benefits.
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same, if I have more than 1 cup I get some pretty awful anxiety and irritability

yet here I am on my 2nd cup *sip*

why would I do such a thing to myself? I dunno. I'm an addict. It's what I do. Ready, fire... aim?

*sip*

good morning everyone

*sip*

I might go for a hike today in the nature preserve. Need to get into the recovery mindset.
 
Negentropic said:
good morning everyone

*sip*

I might go for a hike today in the nature preserve. Need to get into the recovery mindset.
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A hike sounds awesome mate!! Perfect activity for day 2 of sobriety <3
Any other plans today? Fill your time up as much as you can. Don't leave any room for your mind to wander and start to crave alcohol.
 
n3ophy7e said:
Any other plans today? Fill your time up as much as you can. Don't leave any room for your mind to wander and start to crave alcohol.
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Probably going to spend some time writing about goals. https://www.selfauthoring.com/future-authoring this program is pretty awesome, even if you don't like Jordan Peterson. Probably the best $15 I've ever spent.

Doing something as simple as writing down my goals has always been difficult. Never knew why until I realized it's because I've let myself down so many times that writing them down feels like setting myself up for failure. But that's not true at all.
 
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I've decided that next Monday I'm gonna go back to SMART recovery meetings now that I've reached the quitting point of my meth use. And I've still got 6 sessions left with my drug and alcohol counsellor to take advantage of. He's very helpful.

I'm hoping to be back to the old me relatively soon.
 
Getting a little angtsy in this recovery. Not scared but as always a bit skeptical/suspect of traveling untrod territory. Giess this is only natural.
Trying to grasp at my real feelings about all this relatively new experience. It is difficult for me to focus on the subject for some reason. Maybe if I put down a few words here and there about this I can formulate some thoughts. Not just a bunch of words, ya know? Almost like skirting the subject I feel.
I do cherish the freedom. Gaining back trust from SO is absolutely priceless.
Still with the "more ya got; more ya got to lose" mentality cause it is true. If I can find a different outlook to ease my mind about losing my loves life would be golden. Maybe....
If I can deal with death on a more balanced basis I think I can "get right" otherwise this is a very troubling subject for me and I will continue to deal with it in an unhealthy manner.
Love. Is it just attachment? I do not think so as what I feel for a stranger getting assaulted by a bully is more than rage. Or the pain I feel for an animal that gets hurt and there is no one to help.......... These are real. Cannot deny this but could and did in previous lives. Payin for that shit on the daily but its healed to the point of a bandaid only making the wound worse so wtf, right?
 
Negentropic said:
embrace all the emotions and problems I've been numbing myself from
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This is the rub, friend. To me anyway. The absolute rub.
A shitton of unholy fiery hell-stones have rained down. I could not get sleep for about 3 years without some help and that only sporadic. I only noticed that this had passed after forgetting to smoke or eat weed, dose some cyclobenzaprine or some other seemingly benign tactic. Went to sleep. :oops: Stayed asleep and slep great. Tried it again. Sustainable. Holy shit!
I still have restless nights occasionally but but it seems I am out of the woods on that. I also tear up a coupla times a day but nothing like it used to be. Nowhere near. The pains are still there it just doesnt have the hold on me that it used to.
I could flip at any minute and I know it. I expect to. If at some point this becomes stable and I no longer feel the need to bug out I may not know it for years as it would be new and these things tend to not be so obvious to me. Only looking back after a while do I see any changes. This is trippy to me cause I would think that a change would be immediately glaring. :shrug:I like trippy so lets get it on, yeah? lol
It is not easy for the demon to face himself. To change the spots a leopard must change his skin. Seems impossible but tell that to those dinos in jurrassic park. :laughing:
As it is said: It aint easy bein cheesy but the chez stands alone. :devil stoner:
We gonna see how all this shakes out cause I aint goin nowhere inshallah. Too much gold to dig. <3
 
@6am-64-14m did you get off the benzos friend?

I've also noticed that cannabinoids and other weird things like L-theanine give me insomnia now among other weird side effects. With all the neural damage and serotonin issues I had several weeks ago, it's become pretty clear that my brain needs to be clean, it needs to heal and not constantly have a drug or two floating around and causing chaos up there.

I'm hoping I can get decent sleep tonight myself.
 
Negentropic said:
writing down my goals has always been difficult
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Negentropic said:
I've let myself down so many times
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I have never set any goals for myself (or even thought to) for the exact same reason. I mean getting a job, taking a shower, eating etc. haha But no goals. I know imma fuck it up or perspective will change and all the effort woulda been for nothing. Great justification, no? ;)
These days? Mostly the same. Fuck a goal in the traditional sense of modern thinking. I see something that may be best for our klan and see it through. Doesnt seem to accomplish something that we really want to do. I could grab a dove of hard in prolly five minutes and want to but to do so would fuck up the vibe that is comfy for us all atm and I dont wanna do that. Fuckin choices seem a lot easier when the thick fog has cleared a bit.
Negentropic said:
did you get off the benzos friend?
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Haven't had any since boofing steps and breaking leg. :p Had a few close calls but just do not trust myself with the equivalent of 1000 xannie bars. Very close calls. Also the mail system seems to have me on a list for some reason. All I ever got was kratom and phenibut but have been fucked with a couple times since we moved here.
Negentropic said:
neural damage and serotonin issues
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I recall the plight. And feel for you in this. Not sure if I have ever experienced this but feel there isn't a lot to be done but close shop for a while and it seems you know this. I could feel for the anxieties coming off substances but really never found any help with this until learning of taper. What a fuckin godsend. lol This didnt seem a valid option for you as shit was hittin the fan and ya had to eject pretty much.
How are you with this now? Any decline in useage since leveling out somewhat? Just curious as it seems your posts are more "there" and introspected. Indicative (to me) of coming to earth.
 
Doing better, brain seems to be healing. But still off.

I can't really use kratom anymore which sucks. It makes me agitated, anxious, brain zaps, sound sensitivity and various odd sensations like pins and needles. Similar with weed too now. All that started after the shit my brain went through recently.

But I started drinking again that's the main issue. Trying to cut that out. Without being able to use weed or kratom I really struggle with alcohol.

Being completely sober from everything is extremely difficult. I particularly miss my kratom a lot, it helped me with so many things and staying sober.
 
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Negentropic said:
Being completely sober from everything is extremely difficult.
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This shit gets easier with practical application. Saying this; I really still cannot see me totally sober. It's either take my "fake" drugs or go to doctors and start that madness again. I feel I have seen enough drs for a while. Not convinced they have my best interest at heart. I am not hoping that others follow this attitude it just works for me at this stage.
Negentropic said:
I started drinking again that's the main issue.
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If you continue this path this too shall pass. Any effort is boss as it is the hardest freakin move to put a foot forward. Momentum is where its at. Add a little weight behind the motion (confidence? ) and the impact on barriers is to be reckoned with.
Rootin for the day ya come on with that kratom "grin" if its in the cards. :)
 
Only slept 2 hours last night and had a very emotionally draining dream :(

I was hired to act in the Harry Potter movies. I was cast as Harry Potter himself, the main character. But they never put any makeup or costumes on me. I started acting out the movies and noticed everyone seemed weird and indifferent to me like I wasn't supposed to be there. I noticed my bank account was still empty and they weren't paying me anything. Nobody had an answer for me. I became confused. I started feeling more and more out of place. People wouldn't talk to me and I noticed I started hallucinating and going into psychosis as I became increasingly dumbfounded and frustrated by the situation. When we were done filming we went down to the beach to get onto these boats to go back home. I was alienated from the other actors and somehow I got lost and ended up on the wrong boat which took me to Costa Rica instead of home. When we got there I tried to explain that I was lost but the border guards arrested me, took my phone and my wallet. They started going through my phone looking for evidence or something. They strip searched me. They didn't find anything but through me in jail anyways, then I woke up.

sometimes I hate dreams, I never seem to have any good ones anymore, but they are always full of symbolism and concurrent to my life and thoughts
 
My first thought on this dream is that you no longer "belong" in a social situation that previously you were entrenched in. No longer feeling a part of this crowd. Like an identity crisis.
Just my impression but not a dream decoder. Probably a bunch of mumbo jumbo tbh.
Man I had some real fucked up dreams before throttling back drugs and after (for a few years). Many included others trying to take me out completely and had some grounding in past experiences. These have faded off now to a great degree.
I am amazed at how we can heal if the wounds are allowed to instead of trying to ignore them or cover them over. Seems a very subtle process until we create a distance from our former state and are able to glance over our shoulder to compare. Really amazed.... Even that I prefer "sobriety" over being blitty. Never though this would be the case ever.
I fuckin know it sucks to face the music but what are the other valid options? Never found any others myself.
Decades of digging my pit and a few years to finally be able to pull myself up enough to peer over the rim to see what is there.
 
6am-64-14m said:
My first thought on this dream is that you no longer "belong" in a social situation that previously you were entrenched in. No longer feeling a part of this crowd. Like an identity crisis.
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I agree. Ever since my psychosis a few years ago, I lost my job after a few months, moved to a different state and just started isolating a lot. I usually stick to myself, but this is a deeper isolation.

A large part of me craves getting back a normal 9-5 life, social circle, all that. But another part of me questions how well I would fit into that. Just self doubt, I know the answer is I would fit fine. I just overthink shit.
 
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