Recovered addict “guilt” when asking doctor for refills or med increases.

[chelle216]

Hi friends, forgive me if I’m posting this in the incorrect forum.

So for the past couple years I’ve had this issue where I freak out when having to ask my doctor for a refill or a (very rare) increase on a controlled med. Though it’s probably a bit of a misnomer, I’ve come to refer to this as “addict guilt”. It’s this heavy, pervasive thought that I’m forever indebted to the shame of my junkie years; undeserving of any help I might ask for. It’s gotten so bad that I have panic attacks at the thought of calling my doctor’s office. During an actual visit, my thoughts come unglued, I stumble over the things I mean to say and tend towards occasionally incongruous rambling ... which, I can only assume, comes across poorly. In actuality, I’ve never had any major problem getting my meds, I don’t abuse them, and I submit urines when required, however, it doesn’t stop this sense that the dr is inwardly cringing at my requests.

Has anyone else gone through this? Am I crazy? How do I get out of this self-flagellating mindset?

 

[jhjhsdi]

I'd just be honest with your doctor tell him exactly what you just told us.

Mine won't give me anything now after I've been to rehab, aparantly I went there blacked out on K/MXP/Xanax and etizolam just before I was committed and was trying to blag him to sort me out 10mg diaz instead of 5mg and asking for stronger sleeping pills. Now I'm down as 'drug seeking' in all doctors lol, great.

But yeah just be honest. You shouldn't feel bad. He'll probably tell you that too, then you won't feel guilty. You shouldn't feel guilty for your past junkie years, look at yourself, you're past them now. Be proud

 

[Deru]

I used to have this severely, I need narcotics for pain and I was a severe IV opioid addict. I sometimes used to get so worked up about it, the doctor could actually notice my anxiety.

If your medical history includes you were an addict at one point, it's best to just be incredibly honest and develop a relationship with a doctor who understands addictions and isn't judgemental (and unfortunately, a lot of them are.)

If no one knows about it and it's not documented anywhere, from my experience, don't offer that information because your pain management and/or treatment for anything else will suffer due to it. The doctor would have to change how he or she treats you or their medical license could be in jeopardy.

If the anxiety is not due to any substance abuse, then being completely honest about how you feel will make things much easier with the relationship with your doctor - you may even be surprised to hear that many other people feel this way!

My relationship with my doctor is so good right now, she asked me if I was okay with her giving me a prescription to oxycodone. I was able to answer clearly and articulate that I was comfortable with it, for the first time ever without my blood pressure rising and stumbling over my words, and I really felt that was such an amazing achievement. Building a relationship with an understanding doctor truly is the key.

Good luck.

 

[OpiateKiller]

Hi friends, forgive me if I’m posting this in the incorrect forum.

So for the past couple years I’ve had this issue where I freak out when having to ask my doctor for a refill or a (very rare) increase on a controlled med. Though it’s probably a bit of a misnomer, I’ve come to refer to this as “addict guilt”. It’s this heavy, pervasive thought that I’m forever indebted to the shame of my junkie years; undeserving of any help I might ask for. It’s gotten so bad that I have panic attacks at the thought of calling my doctor’s office. During an actual visit, my thoughts come unglued, I stumble over the things I mean to say and tend towards occasionally incongruous rambling ... which, I can only assume, comes across poorly. In actuality, I’ve never had any major problem getting my meds, I don’t abuse them, and I submit urines when required, however, it doesn’t stop this sense that the dr is inwardly cringing at my requests.

Has anyone else gone through this? Am I crazy? How do I get out of this self-flagellating mindset?

If you really need these meds to help improve your life and deal with things like anxiety, depression, etc. You do not need to feel bad for asking for medication increases or changes. But as an addict, you gotta dig deep and ask yourself is this really what's best for me? Is this really the solution and what I really need and will this solve my current problem I am facing?

If the answer is yes, and this isn't some subconscious effort to feel more numb, than you are deserving. If the answer is no, then I think you may feel guilt because you realize you're taking steps in the wrong direction and you're worried you might fall back into old habits of a drug addict just on a doctor's notepad instead of your own.

Just my 2 cents, best wishes

 

[Deru]

If the answer is no, then I think you may feel guilt because you realize you're taking steps in the wrong direction and you're worried you might fall back into old habits of a drug addict just on a doctor's notepad instead of your own.

For me it's about way more than this. It's about being instantly judged and labeled as drug seeking. After dealing with it for years as a known IV addict who truly needs pain management, it truly starts to wear on your soul after a while.

There could be other reasons than this for what the OP is feeling.

 

[OpiateKiller]

For me it's about way more than this. It's about being instantly judged and labeled as drug seeking. After dealing with it for years as a known IV addict who truly needs pain management, it truly starts to wear on your soul after a while.

There could be other reasons than this for what the OP is feeling.

Trust me I get it, I know the label. I hate people judging me without understanding a single second of my life or what I am or have been through, let alone predisposition'd to. I was raised on codeine cough syrup for a cold and alcohol for fun since I was 11 years old. I have alcoholism deep in my family tree on both sides and everyone I know, let alone drug addiction.

So having some Harvard pysch or doctor try and tell me I don't need what I need because it's addictive or may have side effects can be entirely aggravating and demeaning to explain one selves to those who simply will never understand.

 

[chelle216]

But yeah just be honest. You shouldn't feel bad. He'll probably tell you that too, then you won't feel guilty.

Ive done this, unfortunately I still feel weird, probably because I get multiple controls. In fact, I asked the doctor how he felt about this during my last appointment. He reassured me that he really didn’t care; that makes no difference in my anxiety though.

If your medical history includes you were an addict at one point, it's best to just be incredibly honest and develop a relationship with a doctor who understands addictions and isn't judgemental (and unfortunately, a lot of them are.)

I’m incredibly fortunate in this regard, he is aware that I have an unsavory past. I’ve only been seeing this doctor for a few years, but he’s been incredibly accommodating in all aspects.

If you really need these meds to help improve your life and deal with things like anxiety, depression, etc. You do not need to feel bad for asking for medication increases or changes. But as an addict, you gotta dig deep and ask yourself is this really what's best for me? Is this really the solution and what I really need and will this solve my current problem I am facing?

Ultimately, these meds each serve a significant purpose in my wellbeing, however, im drained by the thought that they exist at the fulcrum of my life. Never having subscribed to the idea that sobriety means abstinence from all psychotropic medicine, I don’t view this as some moral failure. I question if I’m just enslaving myself to what I’ve come to know as “normal”. While Ive accepted that I’ll likely always need something, that doesn’t remedy the vulnerability due to dependence on such.

This is probably where much of the anxiety stems from. The other 30% comes from the peanut gallery, aka, my boyfriend (also a recovering addict) who judges the hell out of me for needing 3 controls while he only needs 1.

 

[deficiT]

Ultimately, these meds each serve a significant purpose in my wellbeing, however, im drained by the thought that they exist at the fulcrum of my life. Never having subscribed to the idea that sobriety means abstinence from all psychotropic medicine, I don’t view this as some moral failure. I question if I’m just enslaving myself to what I’ve come to know as “normal”. While Ive accepted that I’ll likely always need something, that doesn’t remedy the vulnerability due to dependence on such.

This is a common thing many addicts deal with when seeking mental health treatment. Doctors are there to prescribe, so if you are there to seek treatment, you shouldn't have anything to feel guilty about.

It's really on you to decide whether you legitimately need certain medicine or you are just "doctor shopping". It doesn't sound like you are doing that, and at the end of the day, you need to do what helps you. You shouldn't feel guilty for trying to feel better.

For me personally, although I have struggled with alcohol abuse, I have needed anxiety medication for a long time. Finding a doctor that was willing to prescribe it to me was life changing in a good way, and I have no guilt about being dependent on something that helps me. I've even found that my alcohol use was mostly self medication, and I rarely drink anymore.

The line between "use" and "abuse" can be somewhat subjective, but it is good to reach out to others to make sure you aren't slipping up or falling into new patterns of abuse.

 

[Jabberwocky]

A good doctor will recognise that prior abuse was often self-medication from the undiagnosed condition that you now need a legitimate script for.

My doctor knows I’m a ‘former’ stim addict yet prescribes me dexamfetamine and valium cause he reasons i used to take stims for undiagnosed ADHD which he has now diagnosed.

It means we can have open conversations about treatment and drug options too.