Lost Ramblings of a Depressed fool..

[tracedwards313]

My current mental state is not good. I am obviously depressed which makes it hard to do anything.

My life has no value or purpose at this point. Im not seeking pity, I am stating the truth.
It feels like instead of "losing" myself in to this depression, I actually realized the truth about who I am and have always been.

Im a loser and all the things I used to portray myself as an interesting person are worthless passed experience. People only like me on the surface because I know how to be a surface level friend. But I have no friends, not a single real friend. My situation is completely of my own doing and each day feels like another failure to change.

A few months ago, for hope I used the idea that this time isnt forever, things will change and eventually life will move forward, like always. Leaving this misery in the past with a paid lesson to never go back.

Yet, here I sit alone probably worse off and realizing things wont change so easily as life once did, with no action taken. Life stays the same, everyday is a day, like all days. So, wtf am I waiting for? My life is literally passing by and I am bitching about being a bitch...what a bitch

I have never had depression like this before and it has opened my eyes to the devastating truth of how it can destroy lives. I am actually scared that I will not recover and be the man I once was, with passion, motivation, pleasure, interest, curiousity.

I dont feel that way about myself or the future and I pray that it just chemical imbalance that will return if I work and make the changes. I cant live like this forever and I know that I would probably intentionally OD if I was stuck like this. This isnt a life

If anyway actully read this horse shit and has and experience of being in a similar situation and found a way back....that might be cool to hear.

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

i don’t know of a way back. self-hate, shame, and depression hurt so much. sorry you are hurting.

 

[nuttynutskin]

What are you doing to change where you're at? Are you seeing a psych? Taking medication if you need to? Eating right and exercising? These are all things that will help. It's ok to start small but just literally just do SOMETHING. Go outside right now and just walk. I bet when you come back you'll feel a bit better.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

If you really want to get better, you have to force yourself to make changes in most aspects of your life.

 

[LadyAlkaline]

One thing that helps me is trying to accomplish little tiny goals every day. I'll tell myself that I need to clean just part of the bathroom or do just a few of the dishes, or actually eat something before 4 pm. Some days I get it done, some days I don't, but I always try to have something that I've done that day so I can tell myself that I am not a complete bum.

Are you currently using or have recently come off of any drugs? That can have a very big influence on depression.

What is it that you feel needs to change?

 

[JessFR]

My current mental state is not good. I am obviously depressed which makes it hard to do anything.

My life has no value or purpose at this point. Im not seeking pity, I am stating the truth.
It feels like instead of "losing" myself in to this depression, I actually realized the truth about who I am and have always been.

Im a loser and all the things I used to portray myself as an interesting person are worthless passed experience. People only like me on the surface because I know how to be a surface level friend. But I have no friends, not a single real friend. My situation is completely of my own doing and each day feels like another failure to change.

A few months ago, for hope I used the idea that this time isnt forever, things will change and eventually life will move forward, like always. Leaving this misery in the past with a paid lesson to never go back.

Yet, here I sit alone probably worse off and realizing things wont change so easily as life once did, with no action taken. Life stays the same, everyday is a day, like all days. So, wtf am I waiting for? My life is literally passing by and I am bitching about being a bitch...what a bitch

I have never had depression like this before and it has opened my eyes to the devastating truth of how it can destroy lives. I am actually scared that I will not recover and be the man I once was, with passion, motivation, pleasure, interest, curiousity.

I dont feel that way about myself or the future and I pray that it just chemical imbalance that will return if I work and make the changes. I cant live like this forever and I know that I would probably intentionally OD if I was stuck like this. This isnt a life

If anyway actully read this horse shit and has and experience of being in a similar situation and found a way back....that might be cool to hear.

For what it's worth, I've known a lot of depressed people, I've been severely depressed before. And what you describe is highly consistent with what I've seen and experienced. By which I mean, when you say things like that you feel like what you're feeling isn't chemical depression as much as it is being more aware of reality, that's exactly what depression always seems to do. Along with feeling like people only like you because you're pretending to be someone else.

It always makes you feel like it's real. Which is why it's so dangerous. It never feels like "I feel down in spite of there being nothing really wrong". The mind finds things that are wrong to amplify and torture you with. No one's life is so perfect that depression can't tell you it's terrible.

And when things really are wrong in your life, it makes you unable to cope with them.

I wish I could tell you how to cure depression, depression is certainly treatable, antidepressants, CBT, etc. Sometimes they're effective sometimes not so much.

I've been depressed at various times but the worst it's ever been in my life was when I tried to kill myself about 10 years ago. I was severely depressed for a couple years by that point. After then though things started to get better. A lot of things changed at that time so I'm not sure exactly why I stopped feeling depressed. But after I did it became very clear to me just how much depression lies to you and how insidious it really is.

At the time I was pretty damn certain I didn't wanna live anymore. I didn't realize just how mentally sick I was. It always felt perfectly rational. But I was sick, and you can get better from it.

I wish I could help more, the best advice I can give is to do something, anything. Try antidepressants, if they don't work try other ones, if nothing works try making some changes to your life. Because if nothing else, it's been my experience that the least likely thing to help with depression is just waiting for it to go away.

Good luck man. I hope any of this helped at all.

 

[LadyAlkaline]

I stumbled across another of your posts, and I have a clearer picture of what is going on.

I feel that we may be in a similar situation. 5 years ago, I tried a bit of meth for the first time. I loved it and immediately began shooting up (go big or go home I guess?)

I was a very heavy user, half gram shots usually twice a day, sometimes three times if we had an abundance of Sudafed. Shots usually about 12-16 hours apart. I did this for a year and a half.

I was already very depressed when I began my journey, which is what lead me there.

As of now, I am 5 years clean and I am struggling with major depressive disorder. I did not realize that it was this bad until I sought the help of a professional. I never disclosed to them that I was on drugs, but I did speak to my therapist about everything else that was going on in my life. Having someone to talk to helped me more than medication. The psychiatrist I went to see was a dick and used to working with addicts, he would only offer me Wellbutrin and getting drug tested every time I went was getting old. I eventually stopped going, but the short amount of time I did go I found beneficial.

I'm not sure how long you've been clean, but I will say that there is hope for the future. The brain is a resilient organ. It will need time to repair itself and you will never be 100% the way you used to be, but you will be able to feel again. Numbness will give way to feeling comfortable, indifference will give way to small flashes of joy.

Just try not to be hard on yourself and understand that you are still healing. The fact that you're even clean is a miracle in itself. Be proud of that.

Kratom has been a big help in managing my chronic pain in addition to giving me a slight mood boost and helping with my anxiety. That may be a good option for you. I truly hope you feel better

 

[Painful One]

@tracedwards313
You are not a loser and have not always been one.
Your worth as a human being is inherited.
We ALL have WORTH!

I know how you feel though. I am also struggling with depression right now.
I get it bad this time of year but this year is WAY worse than any other year.
I had a full blood work up done and I found that I am extremely, extremely low on Vitamin D.
Low enough to cause a major increase in my sleep disorder and extreme depression.

I am slowly getting Vitamin D and other supplements such as Vitamin C back into my system and I changed my diet.
I cut way down on meat, increased fresh vegetables and fruit. Added yogurt, almonds, nuts, dried fruits to my diet.
Cut out junk food.
I am making a huge effort to get direct sunlight daily.

It is helping slowly.
In the meantime, I am trying to keep myself distracted from how crummy I feel.
Increasing Music therapy, meditation, sleep.
Soaking in hot baths.
Changing up my environment.
Anything to make myself feel better.

You are coming off Meth and your body is depleted.
I think the above things would help you also.
You might want to try some medical cannabis while your body heals from the Meth use.

I hope you feel better soon my friend.
Hang in there.
Take good care of yourself and things will turn around.

Love you very much!
❤

 

[LadyAlkaline]

@tracedwards313
You are not a loser and have not always been one.
Your worth as a human being is inherited.
We ALL have WORTH!

I know how you feel though. I am also struggling with depression right now.
I get it bad this time of year but this year is WAY worse than any other year.
I had a full blood work up done and I found that I am extremely, extremely low on Vitamin D.
Low enough to cause a major increase in my sleep disorder and extreme depression.

I am slowly getting Vitamin D and other supplements such as Vitamin C back into my system and I changed my diet.
I cut way down on meat, increased fresh vegetables and fruit. Added yogurt, almonds, nuts, dried fruits to my diet.
Cut out junk food.
I am making a huge effort to get direct sunlight daily.

It is helping slowly.
In the meantime, I am trying to keep myself distracted from how crummy I feel.
Increasing Music therapy, meditation, sleep.
Soaking in hot baths.
Changing up my environment.
Anything to make myself feel better.

You are coming off Meth and your body is depleted.
I think the above things would help you also.
You might want to try some medical cannabis while your body heals from the Meth use.

I hope you feel better soon my friend.
Hang in there.
Take good care of yourself and things will turn around.

Love you very much!
❤

I am definitely going to have to look into the vitamin d thing

 

[Mafioso]

tracedwards, is there anything that lead to your current mental state? Like is there one particular moment you can remember where things started to go downhill, or has it just been more of a gradual decline?

On the bright side, despite how hopeless things may feel, they don't have to be this way forever. Whatever you were telling yourself a few months ago that gave you hope that things could change was probably true, or at least on to the truth. Because it's entirely true that you can change your mental state, that it doesn't have to stay in one state. Just as things can change for the worse, they can change for the better as well.

Yet, here I sit alone probably worse off and realizing things wont change so easily as life once did, with no action taken. Life stays the same, everyday is a day, like all days. So, wtf am I waiting for? My life is literally passing by and I am bitching about being a bitch...what a bitch

This may sound redundant, but the hardest part of changing is actually changing. What I mean is that it isn't easy to break your habit and force yourself to step out of your comfort zone. Especially when you have no motivation and all you want to do is sleep.

The thing to remember is that you can change how you feel, which will change how you think. It isn't easy, but things like aerobic exercise(running, lifting weights, riding bikes) can help combat a lot of the symptoms of depression. There are a lot of reasons for this, but simply put it forces more bloodflow in the brain as well as stimulates feel good neurotransmitters like dopamine and endorphins.

Exercise, combined with getting proper nutrition can really do wonders for how you feel on a base level, as in keep you from feeling so low. Proper nutrition can mean a lot of things, and probably means something different for each individual, but in general I mean eating roughly within your caloric limit, getting enough macronutrients(carbs,protien,fat) as well as micronutrients(vitamin).

Work on becoming consistent with your exercise and nutrition, while also working on building your interest. Find things that interest you and pursue them. Read about it, watch videos, practice, and really develop your interest. It's ok to bounce around and try new things until you find something that you are really passionate about, if you don't already know. Even if you do, it's still good to try new things and get out of your comfort zone.

Once you have those down, it will probably be much easier to start building meaningful friendships as you have interest and activities to meet and connect with people. Chances are you'll meet some people along the way of pursuing your interest and developing yourself.


Above all, do your best to not get discouraged and allow yourself to give up. Don't worry so much about how fast your are progressing at first, the important thing is that you are progressing. Even if it's at a snails pace, you can slowly start to build more and more momentum. If you work hard and stay focused, you wont be this way for ever. A few years of hard work can make a huge difference, even 6 months of hard work can really make a huge difference.

Just get started, no matter how small it may seem. Today that might just mean getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting some food, and going outside for 10 minutes. Tomorrow that might mean going for a walk around the block. Next week that might mean going for an hour long walk while listening to a podcast. Set daily goals for yourself and build a daily schedule to accomplish them.

Believe in yourself enough to invest your time and effort in yourself. You are worth at least that much.

 

[Phenpsycho]

If it's a chemical imbalance issue from drug usage, it will pass eventually, but you may have to re-learn how to tap some motivation out of life by forcing yourself to create a positive daily routine. This is what I always did wrong when I was in a depressive slump, and in post acute withdrawal from Kratom. I didn't force myself to keep up a daily routine to help speed up my brains re-calibration, and create new connections. Now whenever I'm in a withdrawal or just feeling myself slipping into natural depression and self-loathing, I be kind to myself, but firm. I force myself to get out of my bed early in the morning, I brush my teeth, I shower each day/night, I do chores, I exercise, and most importantly I meditate. There are some off days when you're depressed where keeping to even a basic routine is going to feel impossible, so on those days just do the self-care stuff, and if you can still do a meditation, even just a 5 minute guided one if that's all you can handle that day. Even without forcing yourself to do doing anything, if your depression is caused by drug usage, it will pass on its own, it will just take potentially a lot longer.

Now, baseline depression is a little trickier, as it won't correct itself unless you push yourself out of it(speaking from personal experience). Having a spiritual foundation has helped me see the worth in my worthlessness, so to speak. It's made me realize that were all imperfect as human beings, and what I used to measure myself by (societal status, net worth, social life, my relationship) is a simulated value system that is divorced from nature. Even on my shittiest days, I can run down a list of things I'm doing just by being alive.
Empathy is something I have, and you have too. By making this post you're giving others something to relate to, or to exercise compassion by trying to offer you helpful tips. People feel good when they help others, even on a forum, so you're making other people feel a bit better just by reaching out, that's valuable.
You're breathing aren't you? That's like some Jame's Bond voodoo trick right there, you're exchanging gases toxic to you, but good for the trees, you're part of the natural cycle, and that's inherently valuable. If you go for a walk in nature, look at the trees, are they all perfectly straight, carbon copies of each other? They're all a little crooked and imperfect, yet that imperfection provides a beautiful visage for people to admire, and shade. If they were all perfect, walking in the forest wouldn't be half as beautiful, nor would it be as fulfilling with that natural ambience you can only find by leaving the concrete jungle, and walking through the forest or a natural wildlife park.

Do you have a dog/cat? I have a cat, and even when I'm 'stuck' in life, I have to get up and feed, clean the litterbox, cuddle, and provide fresh water for my furry little friend. She definitely appreciates it, as her life depends on me taking care of her needs, that's a hell of a lot of value I'm providing to another living creature, and she shows that by sitting on my lap when I meditate. Even when I try to beat myself down in a depressive state, she reminds me I'm not worthless, I'm responsible for her well being. If you think you can handle taking care of a pet, I would definitely adopt one. They won't let you fall too far into the pit of despair, because there a constant reminder that you matter ,and are doing something very important by taking care of one of The Earth's living creatures that needs someone to care for them.

Some other things that help me in addition to a positive daily routine are supplements. I personally take Omega-3's+Vitamin E, Magnesium Taurate(MagEnhance by Intell!gent L4bs), Vitamin D3, Picamilon, L-theanine+coffee or tea, and Kiefir ,which contains a lot of nutrients to help restore dopamine , and possibly other neurotransmitters(even if not it helps gut bacteria and is like a multi-vitamin you can ferment at home for barely anything).

Depression is a hard battle, but even in that there's value imo. I don't mean to say this as a dismissal of depression, because depression is fucking rough. What I mean is, you are forced to gain a unique perspective if you're faced with a state of suffering, and you likely wouldn't be as empathetic and compassionate as you are without having experienced it. I know for me personally, every situation that causes me suffering, also gives me something back in return; whether it be more empathy, greater compassion, life wisdom, less of a heedless mindset, etc.

If you need a jump start to get a daily routine established, and you just can't break out of the darkness enough to adhere to one(which is completely understandable, depression can run deep) then I would maybe go to a Psychiatrist to temporarily get on an anti-depressant. I have used some pharmaceuticals like mirtazapine, and natural ones like St. John Wort to provide me with just enough of a boost to adhere to a routine, then when I've established one, and it's a habit, I taper off the AD if I've been on it for a little too long to just cold-turkey it.

Hope my post is helpful to you. You'll get better or you'll get wise! I just remembered that quote from a Dhamma talk and thought it was a nice analogy to pass along.

 

[RV Mystery Journey]

Staying away from alcohol and the stuff that makes me drink pretty much fixes my own apathy which has me believing staying clean is what works for me.

Everything else just seems to work when I get clean and my moods and outlook take a sunny turn and don't really get messed up unless I relapse.

You might need to set some small goals and apply some effort in certain areas of your life and daily habits to feel better wish you the best.