• Bluelight
    Shrine




    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

R.I.P My friend Rachael.

Cancerdead

Cancerdead

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 13, 2013
Messages
54
I'm not entirely sure how this works and my friend wasn't a member here at Bluelight but...well anyway. Rachael Anne Ellwell was a close friend of mine for nearly 10 years, she was a bright and caring person who was always there for me when I needed help. Anytime spent with her guaranteed fun and good memories, it didn't matter where we were or what we did, when she was around she brought out the good in all of us. We had an argument a couple of weeks before she passed, I don't remember what is was about nor do I care anymore, but that small and stupid disagreement we had kept me from seeing her before she went. I didn't know how far she had gone with her using and I'll probably always feel as though I should have been there for her like she had for me so many times in the past. She was only 24 years old and passed on september 11th of this year. I know when people pass on that everyone who cared about them likes to say that they were great people, most of the time this is true, and in the case of my friend Rachael this is most definitely true. She was the best of us, and a big part of me and my group of friend died a long wit her. I'll never forget the good times I had with the person I truly loved and cared for. Don't ever let something so stupid and small stand in between the people you love and care for, it's probably been said a million times but you really just never know what could happen.
 
Im so sorry for your loss.. when I loose someone to this I always sense they are looking back and sending strength for me to make it through.. <3<3<3


Don't Tell Me...

Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know,

Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed,

That I am chosen for this task, apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,

Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,

Don't tell me how to suffer, don't tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,

But I need you, I need your love, unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,

Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say,

"My friend, I really do care."

Author Unknown
 
1235298_429764940467902_841411742_n.jpg
Trying to post a picture.

Caption: Me and Rachael, obviously I'm on the right.
 
RIP Rachael and I am so sorry for your loss cancerhead. Sending you some love and comfort
 
I give up, fuck it. Why bother? I just picked up and I give up trying to stay clean.
 
Cancerdead said:
I give up, fuck it. Why bother? I just picked up and I give up trying to stay clean.
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Because she would want you to.

I've ended up on the BL shrine for my own reasons tonight, but sending you strength from a far away place in the hope it helps.
 
RLP said:
Because she would want you to.
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this isn't the begining and certainly isn't the end.. you're still in this battle.. fight, draw on that love, it will give you strength.. she has a strength in that picture. Take the love i see she has for you and give it to yourself<3
 
Feeling pretty childish. Really embarrassed to read all those posts of mine, guess that's what happens when you drink too much. Still here, still alive.
 
Hey Cancerdead, I see you're from MA as well. I too have lost a lot of important people in my life within the past year. Nothing anyone can say will make you feel better. You never miss them less and the sadness never really goes away. At first I didn't even want the pain to go away because I felt like it would diminish the memory of the friends and family I have lost. Or it would somehow "cheapen" their death.

But after a while (and it may be years), the pain does lessen. It comes back in torrents, then fades away again. The memories don't. Eventually you do learn how to live again. One day you feel happy again, and sometimes with that happiness comes guilt at feeling anything other than suffering. That guilt is bullshit. And things do get better even if it seems impossible or even undesirable right now.

That is a beautiful picture. I'm so, so sorry. These are the things that can't be replaced.
 
Transcendence said:
Hey Cancerdead, I see you're from MA as well. I too have lost a lot of important people in my life within the past year. Nothing anyone can say will make you feel better. You never miss them less and the sadness never really goes away. At first I didn't even want the pain to go away because I felt like it would diminish the memory of the friends and family I have lost. Or it would somehow "cheapen" their death.

But after a while (and it may be years), the pain does lessen. It comes back in torrents, then fades away again. The memories don't. Eventually you do learn how to live again. One day you feel happy again, and sometimes with that happiness comes guilt at feeling anything other than suffering. That guilt is bullshit. And things do get better even if it seems impossible or even undesirable right now.

That is a beautiful picture. I'm so, so sorry. These are the things that can't be replaced.
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That's pretty much exactly how I feel about it. It doesn't make sense to feel guilty about it but sometimes you can't help yourself. Thanks for the kind words and I'm sorry to hear you have lost important people in your life. It always sucks.

Yes I do need to stop beating myself up, something I've been trying to work on.
 
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