I am not sure what finally compelled me to make an account and reach out to this community. I have thought about posting this 100 times before.
I am 29 years old. I have been married 8 years and have 3 beautiful children. I am the sole provider for our family as my wife stays with the kids. I am a complete, and severe, highly functioning alcoholic. I feel my health is now in danger and I have to make a change. A little background.
I have always had the most addictive personality ever. At 17, I started my first addiction with cocaine. This led to getting arrested for possession and having to do impatient to kick the habit, then a year of drug court to remove the felony from my record.
After kicking this addiction, is when I was introduced to pain pills. The next 4 years of my life consisted of being severely addicted to pain pills / opiates. I'm talking 300 mg of Roxy a day. The withdrawal from that was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Truly awful. I ended up starting the suboxone program.. And it worked wonders for me!! I kicked the pain pills, then one year later completely stopped the suboxone program as well. So I was definitely a model in how the suboxone program can work if you put the effort in.
Well, as my past shows, quitting one addiction makes me start another. About 5 years ago is when I got off the suboxone. This is when my addiction to alcohol began. I have basically drank ever since.
I have successfully quit the booze for periods of time during this 5 years. Well, once I guess. Last year from January to April was my only break. I was able to do it with just exercise and will power.
Fast forward to today however, and I'm in a much different place. I developed anxiety issues this year and was prescribed anti depressents. I had hopes that these would somehow help me not go back to the booze over and over. When I started the anti depressents I had 24 hours where I didn't drink. Unfortunately when I started again it absolutely blew up.
It has been almost a year now since starting the SSRI, and my drinking has evolved to the point that my health is going downhill fast. Whether I'm working or not doesn't really matter at this point. Sometimes I'm up to 10 shots of vodka before lunch. Average 9 to 12 beers after I get home as well. So the last year, I'm at about 22 drinks a day.
My relationship with food has changed. I now only eat to get enough in my belly to be able drink. I am 6 foot and 200 pounds. I am honestly surprised I have been able to maintain any muscle and am not malnourished. As many days, 80% of my calories come from vodka and beer.
My escalated drinking combined with my new found anxiety, has got me really worried about quitting. I know I have to, like I said my health is going down so fast that it's truly scary. My digestive system is completely trashed. I know that this detox will not be like the last time. I believe it's possible I will seizure.
I know that I will need help to stop. Impatient, or medical detox is not an option for me tho. I can not stop working or my family wouldn't have any income. I'm also extremely hesitant to go to my doctor and ask to benzos to help with the withdrawals, because with my addictive personality I can see that route causing me another addiction.
I am at a loss of what to do. But feel that I am at the point of no return with alcohol. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Any other medicines that may help that aren't benzos? Or is that a risk I should be willing to take?
Sorry for the long post. Thank you for listening
I am 29 years old. I have been married 8 years and have 3 beautiful children. I am the sole provider for our family as my wife stays with the kids. I am a complete, and severe, highly functioning alcoholic. I feel my health is now in danger and I have to make a change. A little background.
I have always had the most addictive personality ever. At 17, I started my first addiction with cocaine. This led to getting arrested for possession and having to do impatient to kick the habit, then a year of drug court to remove the felony from my record.
After kicking this addiction, is when I was introduced to pain pills. The next 4 years of my life consisted of being severely addicted to pain pills / opiates. I'm talking 300 mg of Roxy a day. The withdrawal from that was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Truly awful. I ended up starting the suboxone program.. And it worked wonders for me!! I kicked the pain pills, then one year later completely stopped the suboxone program as well. So I was definitely a model in how the suboxone program can work if you put the effort in.
Well, as my past shows, quitting one addiction makes me start another. About 5 years ago is when I got off the suboxone. This is when my addiction to alcohol began. I have basically drank ever since.
I have successfully quit the booze for periods of time during this 5 years. Well, once I guess. Last year from January to April was my only break. I was able to do it with just exercise and will power.
Fast forward to today however, and I'm in a much different place. I developed anxiety issues this year and was prescribed anti depressents. I had hopes that these would somehow help me not go back to the booze over and over. When I started the anti depressents I had 24 hours where I didn't drink. Unfortunately when I started again it absolutely blew up.
It has been almost a year now since starting the SSRI, and my drinking has evolved to the point that my health is going downhill fast. Whether I'm working or not doesn't really matter at this point. Sometimes I'm up to 10 shots of vodka before lunch. Average 9 to 12 beers after I get home as well. So the last year, I'm at about 22 drinks a day.
My relationship with food has changed. I now only eat to get enough in my belly to be able drink. I am 6 foot and 200 pounds. I am honestly surprised I have been able to maintain any muscle and am not malnourished. As many days, 80% of my calories come from vodka and beer.
My escalated drinking combined with my new found anxiety, has got me really worried about quitting. I know I have to, like I said my health is going down so fast that it's truly scary. My digestive system is completely trashed. I know that this detox will not be like the last time. I believe it's possible I will seizure.
I know that I will need help to stop. Impatient, or medical detox is not an option for me tho. I can not stop working or my family wouldn't have any income. I'm also extremely hesitant to go to my doctor and ask to benzos to help with the withdrawals, because with my addictive personality I can see that route causing me another addiction.
I am at a loss of what to do. But feel that I am at the point of no return with alcohol. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Any other medicines that may help that aren't benzos? Or is that a risk I should be willing to take?
Sorry for the long post. Thank you for listening