iridescentblack
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2015
- Messages
- 1,433
So I think this almost falls more into the category of spirituality but bear with me here.
I've had a long distance friendship going for some time now. Feelings have come up in the mix at times which is hard for me because I've been celibate for 5+ years now. I really had no interest in ever dating someone because of the spiritual work I've been doing - trying to better myself and whatnot. At least that's how I felt most of the time. Had I ever completed my spiritual work... which I think I just did... I would definitely ruminate on the idea of considering being with someone again. I'm not a minister or a priest or anything like that. I guess you could say I just completed my shamanic training.
Like I said, feelings have come up in the mix but I really think that's just because neither of us were sure of anything really. Just people being people. I'm a flirt just as much as anyone. But what I'm about to lay down will blow you away. See, I've just recovered from a long-standing period of depression, withdrawal, lack of motivation and willpower. My drive went extinct and all I could focus on was getting better and rehabilitating myself into society. That day finally came when I saw a light through the cracks of a dim nightmare and the sun gradually began to shine down on me and my being. I worked hard ever since to bring light to the situation and balance to my aether, a realm that I've hoped to enjoy unconditionally throught that I may bring it down to earth and settle comfortably in my soul. I've unconditional respect for this person. She was my light in the dim nightmare that guided me back to reality.
And just when I thought my spiritual work was to take me to places I may never return from (or at least not the same as when I went in) - my mentor, being my shamanic teacher in all this, instructed me to lay down and use whatever tool I could 'order naught to focus on the pain. My mentor warned me that the process that would complete my tutelage would likely be more painful than anything I had ever endured. So after much deliberation I lay down, following the ritual, and began to feel the most unpleasant sensations. My mentor prodded me, reminding me of where to put my focus to. I focused on the only person I could think mattered in those moments - my long distance friend. The pain went away instantly. I had heard from a very open minded psychologist about meditators and such being able to completely ignore pain, but I never even imagined that I would have this capability myself.
The more I focused on her the more aroused I became, because I started to realize that no matter the distance between us the feelings had to be mutual. So I relaxed deeper and deeper without even realizing just how comfortable and numb to the pain I truly was. The arousal grew stronger. I felt like I could hear her voice. I felt butterflies. I imagined her saying that she loved me. From there I went into a trance - for I was taken out of my body and put into hers, where I felt every inch of her being and exactly what it was like to be her. I thought I must be imagining this but the experience took me deeper and further. At the same time I felt, saw, or sensed her essence being brought into my body to experience the same thing. I could feel her heartbeat, I could feel everything. I am ecstatic. I can't wait to contact her. But I don't know if I can bring this up immediately. Maybe it won't even matter.
I've had these feelings ever since my tutelage ended with that ritual. Whatever happens from here on I will be happy whatever the outcome. She is a soulmate - someone who will always have my back and best interest. I know not where the journey takes me from here so if she doesn't return my love that's perfectly fine. The very thought that she's with me all the time (given that I can still sense her completely) is my pride and joy. A friend always.
I've had a long distance friendship going for some time now. Feelings have come up in the mix at times which is hard for me because I've been celibate for 5+ years now. I really had no interest in ever dating someone because of the spiritual work I've been doing - trying to better myself and whatnot. At least that's how I felt most of the time. Had I ever completed my spiritual work... which I think I just did... I would definitely ruminate on the idea of considering being with someone again. I'm not a minister or a priest or anything like that. I guess you could say I just completed my shamanic training.
Like I said, feelings have come up in the mix but I really think that's just because neither of us were sure of anything really. Just people being people. I'm a flirt just as much as anyone. But what I'm about to lay down will blow you away. See, I've just recovered from a long-standing period of depression, withdrawal, lack of motivation and willpower. My drive went extinct and all I could focus on was getting better and rehabilitating myself into society. That day finally came when I saw a light through the cracks of a dim nightmare and the sun gradually began to shine down on me and my being. I worked hard ever since to bring light to the situation and balance to my aether, a realm that I've hoped to enjoy unconditionally throught that I may bring it down to earth and settle comfortably in my soul. I've unconditional respect for this person. She was my light in the dim nightmare that guided me back to reality.
And just when I thought my spiritual work was to take me to places I may never return from (or at least not the same as when I went in) - my mentor, being my shamanic teacher in all this, instructed me to lay down and use whatever tool I could 'order naught to focus on the pain. My mentor warned me that the process that would complete my tutelage would likely be more painful than anything I had ever endured. So after much deliberation I lay down, following the ritual, and began to feel the most unpleasant sensations. My mentor prodded me, reminding me of where to put my focus to. I focused on the only person I could think mattered in those moments - my long distance friend. The pain went away instantly. I had heard from a very open minded psychologist about meditators and such being able to completely ignore pain, but I never even imagined that I would have this capability myself.
The more I focused on her the more aroused I became, because I started to realize that no matter the distance between us the feelings had to be mutual. So I relaxed deeper and deeper without even realizing just how comfortable and numb to the pain I truly was. The arousal grew stronger. I felt like I could hear her voice. I felt butterflies. I imagined her saying that she loved me. From there I went into a trance - for I was taken out of my body and put into hers, where I felt every inch of her being and exactly what it was like to be her. I thought I must be imagining this but the experience took me deeper and further. At the same time I felt, saw, or sensed her essence being brought into my body to experience the same thing. I could feel her heartbeat, I could feel everything. I am ecstatic. I can't wait to contact her. But I don't know if I can bring this up immediately. Maybe it won't even matter.
I've had these feelings ever since my tutelage ended with that ritual. Whatever happens from here on I will be happy whatever the outcome. She is a soulmate - someone who will always have my back and best interest. I know not where the journey takes me from here so if she doesn't return my love that's perfectly fine. The very thought that she's with me all the time (given that I can still sense her completely) is my pride and joy. A friend always.
