Hello,
Hello, I previously posted another thread detailing my troubles in recent times: https://bluelight.org/xf/threads/tr...ack-to-benzos-or-try-to-power-through.921754/
Long story short I have been addicted to benzos for quite a while (8 years give or take), finally managed to quit them on march and I have been dealing with withdrawal since. On july I started a new job, the first after I decided to withdraw from benzos and quit my old one and by august I was starting to get tired by my lack of progress and bad symptoms (and was starting to believe many of my symptoms were not actually from withdrawal but from my unmedicated personality) so I booked an appointment with another psychiatrist to have an opinion about that and to possibly see about starting an antidepressant.
In the end he prescribed me Lyrica, it was great, actually thought I had found a solution, but over time it lost all efficacy (and the fact that right now I'm usually only taking it at night doesn't help). After about a month I started take it at night only to keep my insomnia at bay, as it's the most debilitating thing for me when it acts up, probably dumb as it's only a mild hypnotic compared to benzos and has a short half life but it somewhat works for my insomnia as it is mostly driven by anxiety. I don't take it during the day unless strictly necessary to keep daily dose as low as possible.
Anyways my use has been very irregular I have taken between 25 and 50mg / day on the first three weeks, then 25 mg / day for about a month, then 50 mg for another month and the last couple of months have been around 75 / 100 mg / day. During all this time I also had some bad insomnia bouts where I would take around 100 mg to try and sleep. In the past 20 days my mood and insomnia has gotten much worse I have taken much bigger doses, often around 150 / 200 mg, sometimes during the day too. The worst thing of all is that it feels like even if I keep upping the dose i'm not getting 100% of the effect of even the 25 mg i took initially. What is most noticeable is that the carefree, prosocial and uplifting aspect is completely gone, while it feels more numbing than anything else right now. It feels like tolerance had a spike recently
Pretty much every dose increase is due to worse insomnia, but also mood and anxiety level has generally gone steadily down despite dose increases.
I know these sound like very small doses, and they are, but when I started I was amazed at the effect even 25 mg had and 100 mg would floor me. The day after a night when I had bad insomnia were low key great because even if I was tired I would be so spaced out, carefree and buzzed. Taking almost 10x my initial, almost lifesaving microdose but not feeling the same effect is very troubling.
Do you think I could be dependent on it, even at these very low doses? I always try to take the least amount possible but lately I feel like it has gone out of control and the dose increase scares me.
My second question is, if this really is a dependence I don't know if I have the will to quit this right now, things are very shitty already as it is, however, having been addicted to another substance for 8 years I know that things only get worse with time and I should try while it's "easy". One solution could be to use some of the valium I have left (Yes, I've kept it but haven't touched it since last march) to at least deal with the insomnia for a couple of days. I know this could be playing with fire and could send me to a much darker path, It all depends on a simple thing: Is using benzos "responsibly" for a couple of days enough to get hooked back on? I guess that is ultimately my question. Because It is the perfect tool for this job, but I realize the danger.
Anybody had experience with that? Quitting benzos then managing to use them once without A) getting hooked back on and B) Suffering through withdrawal again.
Hello, I previously posted another thread detailing my troubles in recent times: https://bluelight.org/xf/threads/tr...ack-to-benzos-or-try-to-power-through.921754/
Long story short I have been addicted to benzos for quite a while (8 years give or take), finally managed to quit them on march and I have been dealing with withdrawal since. On july I started a new job, the first after I decided to withdraw from benzos and quit my old one and by august I was starting to get tired by my lack of progress and bad symptoms (and was starting to believe many of my symptoms were not actually from withdrawal but from my unmedicated personality) so I booked an appointment with another psychiatrist to have an opinion about that and to possibly see about starting an antidepressant.
In the end he prescribed me Lyrica, it was great, actually thought I had found a solution, but over time it lost all efficacy (and the fact that right now I'm usually only taking it at night doesn't help). After about a month I started take it at night only to keep my insomnia at bay, as it's the most debilitating thing for me when it acts up, probably dumb as it's only a mild hypnotic compared to benzos and has a short half life but it somewhat works for my insomnia as it is mostly driven by anxiety. I don't take it during the day unless strictly necessary to keep daily dose as low as possible.
Anyways my use has been very irregular I have taken between 25 and 50mg / day on the first three weeks, then 25 mg / day for about a month, then 50 mg for another month and the last couple of months have been around 75 / 100 mg / day. During all this time I also had some bad insomnia bouts where I would take around 100 mg to try and sleep. In the past 20 days my mood and insomnia has gotten much worse I have taken much bigger doses, often around 150 / 200 mg, sometimes during the day too. The worst thing of all is that it feels like even if I keep upping the dose i'm not getting 100% of the effect of even the 25 mg i took initially. What is most noticeable is that the carefree, prosocial and uplifting aspect is completely gone, while it feels more numbing than anything else right now. It feels like tolerance had a spike recently
Pretty much every dose increase is due to worse insomnia, but also mood and anxiety level has generally gone steadily down despite dose increases.
I know these sound like very small doses, and they are, but when I started I was amazed at the effect even 25 mg had and 100 mg would floor me. The day after a night when I had bad insomnia were low key great because even if I was tired I would be so spaced out, carefree and buzzed. Taking almost 10x my initial, almost lifesaving microdose but not feeling the same effect is very troubling.
Do you think I could be dependent on it, even at these very low doses? I always try to take the least amount possible but lately I feel like it has gone out of control and the dose increase scares me.
My second question is, if this really is a dependence I don't know if I have the will to quit this right now, things are very shitty already as it is, however, having been addicted to another substance for 8 years I know that things only get worse with time and I should try while it's "easy". One solution could be to use some of the valium I have left (Yes, I've kept it but haven't touched it since last march) to at least deal with the insomnia for a couple of days. I know this could be playing with fire and could send me to a much darker path, It all depends on a simple thing: Is using benzos "responsibly" for a couple of days enough to get hooked back on? I guess that is ultimately my question. Because It is the perfect tool for this job, but I realize the danger.
Anybody had experience with that? Quitting benzos then managing to use them once without A) getting hooked back on and B) Suffering through withdrawal again.
