- Joined
- Jul 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,482
I was only tapering from 10mg valium but my situation was pretty unique. I was a multi-decade poly user/drunk/rocker, I have done so much booze and ket I had already started intensely upregulating my glut and downregulation gaba systems. Then my best friend passed away. I started really drinking heavily and doing more nitrous and k, i started to get extremely aggressive AWS symptoms (my brain on fire w aceteldehyde and glutamate while continuing to try and party) which i started treating with diazepam. that grew to 10mg a day and i had been doing ket 3x daily for multiple years. by the time shit completely hit the fan in the way you describe that's where i was at. I might have upped my dose to 15 or 20 during the crash course off of ethanol after several ER admissions, but i am not certain, it was a terrifying blur.
I was injecting it and eating it. it seemed helpful while on it, it's coming off it made me much more sensitive to gaba agents/ taper effects. my friend who is tapering from 120mg diaz noticed it too.. it's almost like it potenitiates and then leaves things more damaged when it wears off (just our experience, ymmv). ketamine can be good for ptsd/depression intervation when adminned by a dr every few months. (although i still would not do it in the state you are in)
of for sure. highly personal, just throwing out what was helpful out of the vast array of crap i tried. in the end, i checked into ER again and a nurse looked at my chart. took me aside and was like "you're taking too much shit. we're never going to be able to figure this out, and neither are you" ... he was right. I've gotten down from alpha/beta blockers, baclofen, oxycodone, nsaids, nalt, bpc, weed, kratom, gabapentin, flexeril, clonidine, ethanol, ketamine, diazepam, nicotine (wow, it looks even worse when i write it out) - at one point all of that daily to
now at : 15mg prop, 10mg hydrocodone, nicotine, weed.
I will be doing the final jump off that 10mg of hydro and then the beta blockers, then the nicotine and be left with: weed.
taken me 5 years since burn injuries/PTSD diagnosis to shed it all. phew. my experience with amanita has been hit or miss, and IMO really depends on how well decarbed/the alkaloids in a specific specimen. I have had some amazing experiences with it. and it was most useful on days i would drop an entire milligram in the last few milligrams of taper.1-3g of amanita over the day would make that doable vs pulling teeth without (that was the best use i found of it. to this day i only eat about a gram at a time)
this also might be a function of time/stablization at the current diazepam dose and the timing just lined up w the rem. not saying it is, just a possibility. after the pandemic, i personally am getting off anything that requires a non-local supply line as soon as it's not life or death, but that's a personal matter.
thank goodness. this process is really not understood in America -- doubly for people with PTSD. I'm honestly glad i found this account because I thought the withdrawals i was experiencing were bonkers and eventually figured out that it was the ptsd that was the threshold. this is confirming my suspicions - thanks for helping me feel less crazy!
hmm. need to up my sits. only been doing 1.
to be clear - i am/was not suggesting dropping anything to say "you're bad" "you're weak" or anything like that. I only suggest it because it's literally what has made me feel better as i stabilized after the taper. I had all those pills etc as a security blanket from the trauma of the taper, but after it was actually done(and possibly during) and especially after coming off, it's apparent that a lot of weird side effects/effects were if not from, then brought out by the other meds all interacting. There's a lot happening w the BP/endocrine system that is really hard to regulate, sometimes things work, sometimes they don't. good example -coming off opes this time is totally different! after so much titration, but still w the PTSD i get no real physical effects, just reinstatement of PTSD symptoms and WILD blood pressure swings from brady -> tachy. it's crazy ;/
EMDR with a licensed trauma therapist was priceless. TMS is good when your brain electrics work properly. I plan to do Wim Hoff cold immersion stuff as well. that is reported to have good help w trauma response. martial arts and meditation as well.
wow that hits home. I've been struggling to get back to work for 5 years after burns/PTSD first hit, was mostly together/successful until the friend death and this diaz/ethanol fiasco. Now it's back to square 1. also 39 going on 40 wondering wtf happened to the last 10 years of my life... BUT. I have more empathy, more insight and more wisdom than I ever did. some great job offers and awesome projects on the table, and people really respond to how real i can talk to them on a number of subjects. and as we know from zen - whether the thought is positive or negative, it will pass. The benzo wd after cessation took about 8/9 months for me to start feeling human again. that was just me, universe willing you will heal more quickly. you don't have (i hope) the ethanol/ket history i do. but here's the other thing -- pressure to what?? does buddha feel pressure under the bodhi tree? does a frog feel pressure to sit on a pad?? buddha did not achieve enlightenment til 36, and we have much longer life spans now. I think there is a lot to achieve, and i have seen first hand how plastic/repairable the brain is. the main thing it needs is rest, freedom from stress, good nutrition, exercise, and (IMO from coming off everything) a chance at homeostasis, or as close to it as possible.
i agree, it's a very difficult thing to understand. until someone has had BP 180/110 165+ HR with walls melting, hearing voices shaking so badly you can't open a doorknob while blackness and spots creep into the eyes / tunnel vision and every cell/fiber screams
someone is coming to kill you while you swear you have your fingers in a 110v socket... for months.. I feel like after this year i have a much better understanding of hellraiser/the cenobites.. I don't think they are catholic demons. I think they appear that way because that's who
they are appearing to. they are completely dispassionate in delivery. It's just their job. I think they are tibetan buddhist end of cycle deities/demons whose job it is to flay karmic attachment from the newly dead to help them our of samsara. lol. this all occurred to me in a panic state recently
but yeah. unbelievable really. and a huge humbling/learning experience. I'm just glad it's mostly over and i did not completely burn my brain to cinders.likewise man. stronger with shared experience. that's what bluelight is all about. i hope some of this is helpful, dm me if you'd like to chat more.
