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Please tell me it cannot get any worse than this!

D

deadendgame

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 23, 2014
Messages
356
First of all, I would like to say thank you to all my blue/green lighters out there. You guys have been most supportive and understanding in my recovery unlike everyone else and I mean literally everyone else. Even to my family and friends, I share very little because they do not understand the problem clearly no matter how lucidly it is presented to them. First of all, I am college educated. The problem is that I did not complete graduate school. I had a problem with drugs before as y'all may know but have been almost one year clean. I am currently working as a security guard making a little bit more than minimal wage, living with my parents, and still have some amenities as I will shortly explain. I am living on one lifeline. When the day starts, I have to drive to work, and right from the getgo, I am presented with a life or death situation. I have to make a left turn at a stop sign with no light. Should I fail at this, it is not just some minor fender bender. It is a t-bone accident which means death or worse. Presented with this kind of problem, I worry and obsess about it everyday. I know that in the beginning of the day, this manuver has to be done successfully, or there may not be a day at all. No, I don't just have to do this once or twice. I have to do this every time I want to go somewhere. My parents did give me a sweet ride, but they bought the bare minimal amount of insurance for me which means, if this car is totalled, I at least lose my transportation or my life. So, I drive to work, and I have to stand at that store for up to 9 hours. But seriously. You guys have no idea how slowly 9 hours go by. 9 hours in there is like 90 hours on the outside. Everyday, I am losing my goddam mind up in there. Not only is it a degrading job, it is a job with minimal compensation. People make fun of me all the time. Not knowing that I have a college degree, they take jabs at my self-worth. If I make it through the day, I make 80 dollars, NOT! I make 65 dollars because the government ferociously tax me for no reason. On the flip side, I can't get welfare because although my parents refuse to give me any money and charge me rent, I am technically living under their roof so I am not qualified for anything. This brings me to my next problem, which is, if I am crazy as fuck, why don't I get help? Because I can't! If I try to get help for any mental or physical malady, I will be paying bills up the wazoo because I don't have health insurance. Can't get it from my company because my fucking manager made my hours 36, not 40. Honestly, I don't care about this stupidass job anymore. I don't care if I get fired. my manager has been treating me like shit since day 1 for no goddam reason whatsoever. The only reason I haven't quit by now is because I don't know how to. Some days I seriously think about walking up the hell out of there or doing stupid shit to get purposely fired. People are telling me that I have to give them a courtesy of a two- week notice, but honestly I can't stand that stupid shit for one more minute because that minute feels like ten! I sort of do need the money, but I am so confused I don't even know what the hell is happening.
And my fucking friends and family, I don't tell them this but I wish they all died yo. They telling me that I should "be more happy" and that I should "be happy that I am still alive". You know what? Fuck that! There is nothing to smile about up in here okay! If you have even a first grade reading comprehension and read the previous paragraph, you know immediately that life sucks ass right now. The only thing that is saving my ass is that I have some change in my bank account. It is true that I am fortunate than some people and those people are on the news. I watch it sometimes, and I think I lost all empathy because instead of feeling sorry for them, I am getting amused. Like the students who went to ITT tech. After hearing that, I went online and watched them cry. It brings great joy to my heart, that my life doesn't suck THAT bad. Well, actually, it is similar because I also went to a diploma mill or two. Bluelighters, I want you to all know that you are the only family I have right now. I wish you all the best and hope you learned something from my testimony~
 
Maybe you should move away from your parents, find somewhere cheap to live & try to get some state assistance? I mean it sounds like you have some money and a steady source of income (an unsatisfying amount though it may be). But that seems like an obvious solution so I'm guessing that there's something preventing you from doing that.
 
I think it's this job that is getting to me. I'm sorry for the rant but I think I figured it out. This job is what is giving me the stress. Non-rewarding, unsatisfying, and stressful is what it is. When I accepted the job offer, I really did not know what I was getting myself into. Now three months have gone by and although I have almost nothing to show for it. In fact, I think I lost more than I gained. Because the only thing I gained is money at the cost of my time, energy, and health. The only reason I stayed so long is that I don't know a polite way to quit. Sometimes I feel like just driving off because I just cant take it anymore. People said I have to give a two weeks notice but I honestly can't handle two weeks of this. So, I guess the plan for right now is to document some kind of extenuating circumstance to get me out. I think it is the only way.

No, this is not my only option. My parents are giving me a little bit of time. I'm gonna sit down and study for my graduate tests. If i fail, then I will come back to doing this but I gotta try
 
deadendgame said:
I think it's this job that is getting to me. I'm sorry for the rant but I think I figured it out. This job is what is giving me the stress. Non-rewarding, unsatisfying, and stressful is what it is. When I accepted the job offer, I really did not know what I was getting myself into. Now three months have gone by and although I have almost nothing to show for it.
Click to expand...

I could quote the whole thing to be honest because I've been exactly there. Before my current job (which is still not what I want to do but at least I have a fantastic boss who I never see haha), I was working directly under 2 of the meanest people I've ever met. Two-faced, manipulative, lying... My grandfather died and one of them gave me such a hard time because I e-mailed to tell her I would take a few days off (required by law here) to attend the funeral instead of calling her.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, before you quit, make sure you have a viable plan for what you'll do next. Studying for graduate tests sounds like an awesome plan but I just want to say that if you hope to have another job either right after this one or while you're in school, in my experience it is SOOOOO much easier to get a new job while you currently have a job. I got my current job while I was still in the depths of hell at my old job. And now that I make all of the hiring decisions for my location, it is hard to get excited about a candidate who has a gap in their resume because others don't have such a gap and the first question is why? Especially if you're not going to give 2 weeks notice because were I to hire someone with a gap in their resume, my first reference check would be their last employer.

I hope that helps a little :D I am just giving you advice based on my job seeking and own hiring experiences. Your HAPPINESS though is so much more important than any of the BS I mentioned above so do what you gotta do and don't worry about being polite. After I left my old company, one of my co-managers quit on the spot and told my former boss "sorry, but life is too short to work for you"... I wish I had said that :(
 
I'm sorry the driving situation hasn't changed for you - I remember you made a previous thread about that. I was hoping it would get better. Many people have driving anxiety, personally, I'm not a huge fan of bridges so I do understand.

About the job, I can relate to that as well. I'm college educated and quit my career when I went to rehab. I have not been able to find a job in my field (software development) since I left rehab, and even if I did I don't know if I have the where with all right now to do it. I took a job a while ago in a print shop located in a pharmaceutical company and it was humbling. I was the only one there with an education and yet I had to put up with such pettiness from my coworkers. All but one had major psychological issues and they were all nasty - they would back stab and cause drama and were always having these strange hysterical breakdowns. Though I needed the money I needed my dignity more, along with my sanity. The woman who ran the place enjoyed the drama so she would take no action and would let this drama continue. I finally quit one day and it felt great. Within a day my dignity came back and my anxiety went away.

I don't think your job is worth your health. Have you been putting your resume out and applying for other positions? Can you go back to school and live in the dorms working on finishing your grad degree - it would get you out of your parents house, you would have the school's medical services, and you would be working towards a huge goal. You can find it with student loans and a part time job. I will say I don't think you should leave the job you are at without the two week notice so you can at least use them as a reference.
 
I have driving anxiety unless I'm out of traffic--especially left turns with no light in heavy traffic so I know exactly what you mean. I try to do all the usual strategies--breathe, talk myself through it. I guess there is no other route?

I think it is great that you are going to try to return to grad school.
 
Hi, I am really sorry your going through all of this. I know how you feel, and I actually understand my fathers up and moving away to be homeless, It's crazy to think I admire him only after he's died. It's depression, I was a good hard worker with lots of money, spent most on partying so I have nothing to show for all those yrs. of hard work and when I was in so much pain I found out I have Degenerative Disc Disease, my bones in my neck are crumbling basically, I hated working but now that I can't I sometimes hate living, but OUR lives OUR choices. Do for yourself ( and me ) what I'm always too afraid to do.... Live, Live the way that makes you and others happy and if others aren't happy than say screw them and just live the way your meant to. If you set your mind to it, and MAYBE take some Prozac for a short time to basically numb your emotions just for enough time to evaluate your situation. It worked for me in the past, the meds. Just calmed me and made me not really give a shit about everything that was driving me absolutely nuts. Please don't hurt yourself or others, I can tell your really smart and passionate so don't waste a good mind like yours ok. If you ever need anyone to chat with Please talk tell me anything u like. I promise I will never judge you. Good luck, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I don't even know you and I feel a lot of emotions about this conversation, your pain in the ass friends and family probably love you soooo much, If they didn't like my mom and dad they just never say anything about anything. I promise your life will change drastically with just a few changes. Good luck again. Nikki
 
I was always like that, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I can't be in a Meijer or Walmarts during the day, I wait till just before close or after midnight if their open 24 hrs. I've tried several antidepressants over the years for my anxiety and in the past Prozac worked really well and Celexa really calmed me. I take Klonopin now and it's super fast acting for when the panic attack comes on its such a relief honestly. I was off of them and all my RX pain meds, was trying to take non controlled meds. But between the Withdrawls I suffered and the meds. They replace them with really kinda sucked for me. If your not interested in RX for your driving anxiety get a Lavender or Lavender and vanilla scented air fresher for you car or so you don't get nose blind buy a spray and when it's comming on spray the car with it and I swear it works, Lavender oils, be careful a lot of them are only for burning in aromatherapy things. Find a really good one and put a smudge on all your pressure points, it also soaks in your body to calm ( not sleepy) I really wish you the best. I just started going to therpy for the first time since I was six, I'm 42 and everyone says I look 28, I hope that and a physiatrist can help me to get out of my house more, I get chest pain, sweating, anger and nausea, oh and severe stomach pain when I have to go out to do something. I was a Bartender for 25 yrs. and one of the best because of my social skills and now look at me. It's not your fault, please remember that ok, and you will get by this with a little work, take baby steps so it doesn't overwhelm you. Hope to hear how you are doing in the near future. Bless your soul ✌️ Nikki
 
Hey thanks so much nikki. I really appreciate your kind words and it means alot to me. I hope it goes well for you too. Well, what gets me through the day is that i have a few hours of downtime at the end of the day to do what i want. I'm about to quit this job and study for the GRE and MCAT because I want to get into some kind of graduate school. Sometimes, I will treat myself out for a good meal or to the movies but I literally get no enjoyment out of life because I'm doing things I already did before or seen things that I already seen
The only thing that is keeping me going is that I don't have a goddam choice. I want to die but I can't die. I don't understand how people can say life is short when I been alive for 9490 days!! And each day feels like a week as a security guard. I just don't want to do this anymore. Sometimes I wish I would just drop dead at work from a heart attack. It's just that I want some kind of relief. I am damn tired and another thing is I am suffering some kind of sleeping problem too. For some reason, i am waking up sporadically during the night and although I get ten hours of sleep, it doesnt feel like it. I work from 3-11 everyday but my mom wakes me up so fucking early that I lose a substantial amount of sleep.
I dont like driving to work everyday. Although i am good, i admit that im not that good that I can be driving around with no collision insurance!! and if i do get into an accident, my parents are gonna be like omg why weren't you careful enough. One thing is for certain is, if I do get into a car accident, I'm gonna just fuck everything. Im gonna quit my job immediately for sure.
 
People who have found real happiness in life tend to not really talk about it unless asked. People who are always telling others to "be happy" are not happy deep down. What they are doing is similar to what you're doing when you smile upon others who are suffering. They are pretty much dressing up an insult "oh look at this unhappy fucker" as a constructive complement "try and be happy!" When people actually want to help others, they do it by way of suggestions, not directions. As for people insulting you, and I know it's cliche advice, but you just have to figure out what to do so that it does not bother you. The bully wants the bullied to be bothered. Nowadays I just say really dumb stuff back to people who try and insult. If someone makes fun of you for being a security guard, just say something like "I do it for the sex appeal."

I have my masters and yet I work a job that only requires a high school diploma. What works best for me with regard to any shame entering the equation is just to never bring it up with people at work. Getting a college degree, even if from a "degree mill," takes effort and is something that you should be proud of. You made a goal to get that degree and you accomplished that goal. At the same time, there is a lot of social pressure on families to send their kids to college, even if the rational argument for not going to college is getting stronger and stronger, and there is a very real problem of a surplus of young people with college degrees and huge debt but also severely limited upward potential. You don't have a lot of control, not any for that matter, that you are now in that subset of the population. But you do have control over whether you are in the subset of that subset that is ashamed of it. And I'm telling you that I stopped belonging to the ashamed group when I completely cut out any overlap between my work and personal lives. My education accomplishments, as well as other things I am proud of, are things that I'm going to selectively share with people I really care for, people who prove to me that they're worth opening up to. People who prove this will be people who aren't going to judge my trajectory.

As for how to quit your job, just stop showing up. This may not sound like good advice, but when applied to minimum wage-type jobs, it won't be hard to find a new one even without that reference.

To manage boredom, you need to use your time outside of work to engage your mind in topics that you can easily busy yourself with while at work. What that will be will be different for each person, but I'd suggest taking some of your existing hobbies/interests and finding books, podcasts and/or lectures on them. And then take those topics and figure out how you'll turn them into productive activities in your personal life. For example, weightlifting is something I do in my free-time. So I'll listen to podcasts about sports nutrition, human physiology, etc and then will spend a good chuck of the time I am doing mindless things at work actually planning in my head how I will incorporate new things I learned into my cooking or training sessions. My life outside of work is what I consider to me my actual life that defines who I am. Work is just a way I barter with society for money, but I will do whatever it takes to minimize the effect it has on who I am. It sounds like based on the driving stuff that you're someone prone to obsessing over things. You just have to try and transfer that obsessive thinking to your passions. Society is quick to marginalize and even joke about people with OCD or anxiety, but these kinds of things can be manipulated into successful habits. Most of the successful (defining success as meeting goals you set for yourself) people I know in life are very neurotic.
 
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Can't you read books at that job ? I remember, when I had a ridiculous job as a "security" once, I was late every day and later at the working place sitting on a chair and preparing for an exam. Nobody said anything, because they were busy "securing" the area. =D

And if you do not like to drive a car, why not trying to ride the bicycle to your job ?
 
I did not ask to be brought into this world, but because I was born, I have to go through all this and then some. I understand that my parents supported me for 25 years, but now, I have potentially 50 years of suffering I have to do before I call it quits. This is very unequal. It doesn't have to be 50 more years, it can end tomorrow!
 
First of all don't just stop showing up. Why burn bridges. It's a reference. I think you are doing pretty good considering you are less than a year out, have a job, car, and stable place to live. Do what you need to while you work on bettering yourself. Some people just getting over addiction claim they can't work! Take a look at them and then take a look at yourself. Not bad right? Just keep doing what you're doing and continue your education and it will all pay off in the end. Rome was not built in a day.
 
I used to have this elderly landlady that lived in a small rundown house in front of the little run down cottage I rented from her. She was in her eighties when I met her, 92 when she died. She taught me a lot about wants vs needs. I was 19 when I met her and I wanted everything I had been taught to want and then some. She used to tell me, when I would pour out my stresses to her, "Just learn to live simply and life will be all you need." I didn't even know what she meant back then but I saw that she was a cheerful and content person despite the fact that she was old and alone and had no money except my small rent and a small bit of social security. Now that I am older, I can see how wise her words were, and true. Try not to be scared of your future. Live as simply as you can. Make relationships based on kindness and avoid harsh judgments of other people. The irony is that when you live without all the wants society breeds in you, life feels amazingly abundant.
 
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