Planning to detox from Adderall. Do I have any permanent damage?

[g_dan1]

Hi everyone!
I wrote this long post because I really need help with my adderall use and my life as a whole. Unfortunately, I have no one else I can share it with and understand me besides the bluelight community. I know it might be hard to understand my whole situation but I tried to explain it as clearly and detailed as I can. If you wish to help me but can't read/understand the whole thing, let me know! I will try to make a TL DR version


Here's some background about me:
I am currently 18 years old and I will be done with high school in 2 weeks. I think I came to a point in my life where Adderall is an actual problem for me and I'm very worried about my future education and mental health. First time I took an ADHD stimulant was in the end of 10th grade before my finals. My friend gave me a few opened concerta pills and IR ritalin. At that time I was very scared of taking it because I thought it would make me look "high" and feel paranoid just like weed. I did alot of research before taking, and people posting about anxiety as a side effect really got to my head.. I took it about 3-4 times 10mg doses each. At that time I was a very anxious person and I was really afraid to take more than 15mg ritalin. In 11th grade I got some 15mg adderall from another friend and took 10-15 mg on very rare occasions, like ACT and extremely hard projects (took it about 5-6 times in that whole year before may). In may of that year when I had exams, I started taking it more often for reviews and every day of my final exams (7 days). I still kept my doses at 10-20mg. My anxiety was still very much there and I was overthinking every little aspect of things.

Senior year is where all my problems started. I was EXTREMELY stressed from school and got into a very stressful and unfortunate relationship with a girl who pressured, blamed me, and demanded tons of attention like no one else. I was shy, not confident, and very inexperienced to break up with her for the sake of my education and my own life. In the beginning of senior year I started taking Adderall more often and upped my dose to 20-30mg. I overcame my anxiety almost completely and sort of got the control of my mind and emotions. I understood that the anxiety i used to get wasn't from adderall at all, it was from my extremely anxious and constantly worrying personality and thinking. Now when I think back to those times, I realize how good it feels to be worry free and actually have control of your mind and emotions. (with a few exceptions of course)

This whole school year was the worst, hardest, and most stressful year of my life. I was forced to take the hardest academic problem available out there (harder than AP) and had to take an extremely hard math class (Advanced calculus and discrete math, YES IN HIGH SCHOOL). In addition, I was basically taking all college level courses while most of my close friends from other schools never even had homework...
With all that stress and workload, I got used to adderall pretty quickly and it actually RELIEVED the stress and anxiety I had. Starting from about November or December, I was taking adderall on weekly basis and almost for every test thats even remotely challenging. After winter break in January and February, I continued taking Adderall even more often and upped my dose again to about 45mg on those days. Fast forward to April, I am taking up to 70-90mg Adderall (total in 1 day) for EVERY hard assignment and test, and even just to feel good. I tried to keep my use to 3 times a week max and tried to take as long as possible between doses. A lot of times I was actually looking forward to studying and getting that sweet rush, motivation, and euphoria. I had to start taking benzos for the comedown and as a sleeping aid from higher doses.

At this point I realized that I can't do any mental work on my own anymore. My motivation to put effort into studying and doing any uninteresting tasks is gone completely. This and next week I have my last exams and I took about 60mg the last 3 days and noticed how diminished the effects are. It seemed like I mostly felt the shitty physical stimulation from levo-amp and not the sweet mental clarity and motivation. My comedowns got worse and worse and the day after adderall I feel braindead and totally not functional. Almost every following day after an "adderall study day" I felt like I hate adderall and I never wanna take it again. The feeling of total mental sluggishness combined with dysphoria and comedown from the night before made adderall seem like the nastiest shit out there. But at that point I was forced to take it in order to graduate and not fail that hard program.

Right now I am very worried about my future in college and any possible permanent damage. I am planning to detox in summer and live a healthy lifestyle. Exercise, good sleep schedule, healthy food. I really want to go back to the way I was before. I was a great student with lots of motivation. Unfortunately a combination of all kinds of new problems and stress this year really threw me off

ANOTHER IMPORTANT INFO ABOUT ME: From the early years in elementary school I was one of those kids who just "get it" very easily and can pick up and learn any material without studying. I don't mean to brag but this is really who I was. Over the years my parents put me in the hardest programs available. I heard so many teachers tell the class "Start studying now", "Get a head start on it or it won't be good", "THIS IS NOT A TEST/PROJECT U CAN STUDY THE NIGHT BEFORE". I never ever followed that. I had a good enough memory and understanding to get an A on the hardest test with only 15 minuetes of looking over notes. For my ACT test, I studied with a book about 5-6 hours IN TOTAL over the summer and a week before and I got a 28, and 2nd time 30. The point of writing this right now is that I was never used to hard work and effort. I was always able to find the most efficient way to study and ace tests with minimal effort. I really miss those days because now I am the opposite of that... This whole year and my adderall use killed my motivation so succeed and try. I will try to detox over 3 months in summer as hard as I can, but I am still worried about PERMANENT damage because I was pretty young when I started taking stimulants.

Thank you very much for of you who read the whole thing! I know I wrote alot, but honestly I have no one else at the moment to share it with and ask for genuine advice. I would really really appreciate any type of advice, support, criticism, and opinions. My biggest concern right now is whether I have any unreversible damage to my brain and ability to learn things and finish work. Also I would appreciate if anyone can give me an estimate of how long it will take me to regain my previous learning abilities based on my use and plan to detox.

 

[g_dan1]

I forgot to mention another thing, but I feel like it's a separate issue that I will think and take care of in about a month. I started taking kratom in mid march, and from the start of arpil I've been taking it daily. These were my last 2 months of school and I couldn't risk failing a class because of withdrawals. Also (AT FIRST) Kratom sorta gave me motivation and i tried to substitute it for adderall. This of course didn't work because i only have sedating strains and I try to use it for comedowns instead of benzos now.

 

[g_dan1]

One more thing i forgot: I'm also worried about about the effect of stimulants on my body. I remember during my mid term exams when i was taking 70-90mg a day, after the 5th day in a row I would get chest pain tightening with some shortness of breath. This was kinda new and scary but any benzo provided a tremendous relief for that.

I also hate how adderall suppresses my appetite and speeds up metabolism. I don't have any extra fat and my metabolism is already very high. Not being able to eat and forcing food down my throat makes me very sick and uncomfortable :/ Whenever I tell someone about appetite suppressant effect of adderall most people say they'd love that, but its the opposite for me and I'm trying to gain weight [muscle ] and maintain healthy diet

 

[g_dan1]

Keif if you have some time to read this post i would really appreciate your advice and opinion. I find all your posts very helpul and i can see that you take time to give people genuine advice and help

 

[Anyx]

No will not gane a brain damage by that doses. One trick is to minimize oxidative stress ( cool body temperature, powerful antioxidans like Gluthation, an MAO - B inhibitor negates the neurotoxic effects.

Maybe , if not sure you got malnutrition. Drink every day 3 smothies of dark fruits and vegetables. The detox will hit you hard if your dopamine lvls are very low. So 95% of antidepressants will not help. An exeption is Tranylcypromine. It will boost your Dopamine,Norepinephrine,Serotonine,PEA very strongly. It would be a great option to counter the Adderall withdrawal symtoms. Also you have to know, Tranylcypromine as an MAOI is very neuroprotective. Augment with Agmatin which will help you to get faster the low tolerance. To upregulate your Dopamine2 receptors: If you got enough sleep start slowly exercise ( pumpin, jogging or just jump through the forests. Go under people. Aaah what you can help very well. TRY SEMAX. your Anhedonia will be past then without any risk of dependence.

greetings Anyx

 

[Keif' Richards]

For future reference, the TL/DR version of this might consist of "I'm afraid that I might be psychologically dependent upon stimulants, what will happen when and if I stop using them?". You're your own person, sure, but the issue of becoming dependent upon stimulants for the purposes of completing work is a common one. I also started using stimulants when I was in High School and continued to use them through college. It just so happened to work out that I graduated before anything truly terrible happened in terms of addiction.

I would routinely take 80mg Dextroamphetamine and settle in to write large papers for 18-24 hours at a time and then take Benzodiazepines to come down. It took a little while, but I slowly lost my ability to do anything that I wasn't keenly interested in without the aid of stimulants like Amphetamine. I had a really hard time focusing in school prior to my Amphetamine use, but using them as a crutch made things infinitely harder.

As far as severe consequences like brain damage are concerned, you really shouldn't have anything to worry about. It's a much more likely scenario, in my opinion, that you'll become psychologically dependent upon stimulants to complete boring and/or uninteresting tasks, which is a bitch, but is certainly surmountable.

 

[JBrandon]

To the OP, I would strongly consider finding a program that you can volunteer with and take a gap year before you start college.

The purpose of the volunteering is to be able to justify the year away from academics to any collegiate admissions committee.

During this year off don't touch a single stimulant for any reason whatsoever. Don't get into any relationships, don't commit to anything. Just exercise your ass off every day, eat as healthily as you can, and give yourself time off.

Permanent neurological impairment wouldn't even be on my radar if I was you. I've been in your shoes and pushed it even further and I don't feel that my intellectual capacity has been diminished.

What *is* crippling is the psychological dependency pointed out by Keif.

Right now, as I finish graduate school, I am 100% incapable of completing any form of presentation, essay, or project outside of classtime without massive quantities of amphetamine.

I've been through this cycle before and motivation, energy, and enjoyment of life do return. It just takes a very long time that you will not be able to afford in the middle of any academic program.

When you go to college, whether this fall or sometime in the future, you *must* be realistic about your capabilities.

I too never studied for more than an hour or two for a single thing in high school. In college, never more than a night-before cram session. I did not realize that work ethic and study skills are MORE crucial than "intelligence" (whatever that is) and consequently was totally unable to handle grad school without a raging drug dependency that ruined a marriage, almost cost my life, and nearly sabotaged the very career that I was abusing the drugs to obtain. In short, I did not realize that just because I can grasp the material, I was not prepared to actually do well in the program.

Good luck, hoping for the best for you.

 

[g_dan1]

To the OP, I would strongly consider finding a program that you can volunteer with and take a gap year before you start college.

The purpose of the volunteering is to be able to justify the year away from academics to any collegiate admissions committee.

During this year off don't touch a single stimulant for any reason whatsoever. Don't get into any relationships, don't commit to anything. Just exercise your ass off every day, eat as healthily as you can, and give yourself time off.

Permanent neurological impairment wouldn't even be on my radar if I was you. I've been in your shoes and pushed it even further and I don't feel that my intellectual capacity has been diminished.

What *is* crippling is the psychological dependency pointed out by Keif.

Right now, as I finish graduate school, I am 100% incapable of completing any form of presentation, essay, or project outside of classtime without massive quantities of amphetamine.

I've been through this cycle before and motivation, energy, and enjoyment of life do return. It just takes a very long time that you will not be able to afford in the middle of any academic program.

When you go to college, whether this fall or sometime in the future, you *must* be realistic about your capabilities.

I too never studied for more than an hour or two for a single thing in high school. In college, never more than a night-before cram session. I did not realize that work ethic and study skills are MORE crucial than "intelligence" (whatever that is) and consequently was totally unable to handle grad school without a raging drug dependency that ruined a marriage, almost cost my life, and nearly sabotaged the very career that I was abusing the drugs to obtain. In short, I did not realize that just because I can grasp the material, I was not prepared to actually do well in the program.

Good luck, hoping for the best for you.

Thanks alot for your suggestion! Unfortunately, taking a gap year is not an option for me. I was hoping that 3 months of summer before college would be enough to get my motivation and mental state back to normal.

I'm also gonna try to taper down kratom, but honestly I really enjoy the feeling it gives me. Maybe it would be much better to cut down and take it 3-4 times a week with regular tolerance breaks.

 

[Keif' Richards]

I agree wholeheartedly with JBrandon. I feel like we've been through some similar experiences. I've never been addictive per se, to Amphetamines, but the psychological dependency that I developed through college leads me to "crave" Amphetamines whenever I have to do anything boring or uninteresting to me is more or less, permanent. Like anything, it's probably going to get worse the more often you lean on them to complete your work.

The issue here, is that I'm not even a stimulant addict. I imagine things would be quite a bit more serious if I were the type of guy who just really liked stimulants for recreational purposes.

 

[d1nach]

The only think i accomplish on amphetamines is chewing anything i put in my mouth.