Update:
Hey guys long time no hear, I been through the depths of hell and am reporting back in now a few weeks later.
I am telling you all from the bottom of my heart, drug use wasn't fucking worth it. If anyone ever thinks of doing something.
I thought I hit rock bottom in the beginning of March but believe me when I say this now, with drugs it can get worse and worse and worse. Opiate addiction is a one way ticket if you don't get into substitution and I am telling you right now. You'll be functional for quite a while. You will be feeling like you can control it but you don't. What you don't realise is that you up the antics in a rapid manner. I for example was increasing my dosage so fast that even ex junkies were surprised. I was popping pills, then shooting up rectally. For people in my societal class it usually goes like this. You start slow, try to keep it down but do it more and more, find excuses. (I skipped that part rapidly because I had insane pain so I almost immediately got into daily use.). In the beginning you do lower potent opiates, you pop pills, then you go to other ROAs, harder stuff, in the end you'll be broke asf (I lost my job and I am down to literally fucking 100 dollars on my bank account) and then there is only one more thing to do to support this: IV use and H from the street. This is damnation. Thankfully I was stopped after about 2 months. I realised I can't keep going, waited for my appointment at the substitution clinic, took to long, had another two (!) trips to the psych ward ER, then I finally last monday was properly substituted by the doctors. Felt so fucking good to finally know that you get clean medication from the pharmacy and not some crap from some random internet sites.
I think if this wouldn't have happened I would have been gone now. This saved my life.
I am currently tapering very slowly but I was on such high dosages that it will sadly take a long while before I reach 0. I do gotta say this though, WD now are truly hell. I couldn't eat in days, my stomach is a constant clenched hurting knot, very poor sleep, and the worst of it is the emotional side: the pain and depression and sadness and everything I took this to begin with now slaps me in the face a thousand times and even worse.
I come to the realisation that the only way out of this drug hellhole is by religion and proper therapy. I do never want to relapse again it wasn't worth it.
Unfortunately I still use weed, even though I made a vow and prayed in church, told myself to never misuse a substance ever again. I threw everything out in the dumpster, guess who then creeped back at night crawling through trash like a fcking raccoon to get the Marijuhana back?
I am telling you, to a lot of people Weed is a soft drug so that might sound okay but to me it is one of the if not the heaviest drugs I did (maybe apart from PCP). It causes insane schizophrenic psychosis every single time even in low doses and the cravings for it are STRONGER (!!!) than opiates. On substitution I have some cravings for opioids but they are manageable and in check. But THC is a drug out of hell, I can't resist it, I am so alone and this gives me hallucinations of creatures and voices in my head that talk to me and give me company when I am crying in pain of being so alone. And the addict part tells me "oh it's fine at least you eat more than one slice of bread a day if you smoke weed"
If you ask me what is more psychadelic/deliriant LSD or THC I would definitely say THC for me. If you picked me one drug to under any circumstances not be seen by other people: definitely weed, LSD I could function in society, on weed I am non-human.
I'll be posting about this more a bit later. The reason weed affects me this way is 3 relatives on my father's side suffer from schizophrenia and a couple of other mental illnesses.
For now I can tell you, all of this wasn't worth it. It caused me more harm and more problems than good. I thought I hit rock bottom and lost everything but now I lost even more people during my drug induced antics, i am still in hell like weeks and months ago. This year is the darkest and worst of my life.
