Yeah same here man.. depressed too about getting screwed. My bike was stolen [again!] after it was in front of my building for less than a day and someone ripped me off for an SSD i thought i bought from him (on a respectable pc tweaker site). It's so fucked up that people can get away with this, I mean i obviously have his bank account # from the transaction but from what little i have already read about such matters the police / banks etc are fucking useless when it comes to things like this. The past 6 months have been mostly shit, I got the worst luck man - on important fronts too like the regularity and income of a paid job, socially i have few decent options that I know of (i am not really a hero to just go out there randomly and meet new friends, there at least needs to be a suitable place to hang out), and many more things i cant catch a break with, so much so that I lost the will to do a lot of meaningful stuff.
It's a real dick move of him to just steal your bitcoins, what a 'friend' 8)
I know what you mean with the frustration, I am normally the most peaceful guy ever and i keep a cool head but how long can you keep getting shit you don't deserve? If I see someone riding my bike I will drag em off it.
Yeah man I have been down lately, throughout the holidays life has been a drag. I am confused about a lot of things and not really getting anywhere and have so many ideas that end up fruitless. I spent half this year laying in bed heroin sick so at least that is not really in the picture anymore but I have serious back problems and chronic pain alone, that others cannot see and refuse to accommodate even in workplace settings is enough of a stressor. You can't lose your ego completely all the time. I am normally chill, it is very hard to offend me. But when a friend steals my bitcoins, and also lives with a very wealthy family I mean what the fuck is he asking me for lawyer fees to begin with. He wants a hit of coke. I don't even know how to send him money we live in different countries, and since then he has not spoken to me apart from expressing anger as an ego response. Not that I give a fuck, because what kind of friend does this kind of shit. With real friends, money is never an obstacle. Man, I'm cool with some stuff but I'm not getting involved in friend's legal troubles. That is not my responsibility and when someone starts taking their frustration out on me, when I am only trying to help that is when I can become explosive.
Rip em off your bike man that is bullshit. Your bike. I'd like to find the junkie scum who broke into my university house and stole my old Ibanez... I have guitars I like more now but I miss that one and ended up not playing anything but acoustic for a few years. They just walk into student houses when they go out partying in that area, and steal laptops and shit like that. Don't really get how people can do shit like that I mean, you may as well blow your head off if that is what you are doing with your life.
I am done speaking with this friend. This experience has led me to re-evaluate him as a person. I have realized that he hustles and manipulates me any chance he can get, and is a cocaine and methamphetamine addict who is still in denial. Since he was trying to help me get clean I never really noticed (he never really helped me, just yelled at me to get on subs which is not what worked for me... I have to cold turkey). Like... take a look at yourself man stealing from friends and shit, straight up hustler.
It sucks because I can't actually use my bike for transportation. It is a beautiful lugged steel retro type of bike that was quite expensive. I won't really let it out of my sight, so I end up not using it for transportation and more for biking adventures in the summer and autumn. It would be stolen in the blink of an eye. Bike theft is really popular these days, I guess.
I don't have issues being social, but I have problems building lasting friendships and relationships. Really it seems like so many people are just wearing masks as they walk through life. I have been there before... I would have lied to your face with a smile so I could get a hit. Best compliment I have received this year was my friends boyfriend... says 'dude is so chill, you don't realize you JUST met the guy'. That was sick to hear because I feel that I am anti-social as fuck. I have so few friends, never go out, I spend most of my time alone but I have a lot of 'friends' who I don't hang out with... they just give me free tea for instance and I always see them working there and have chill conversations every time, tip them with acid scotch taped to $5 bills for randomly getting free tea and it's such an inside joke we are giggling internally at this inside joke it's just great... like I told this dude I was in oxy's withdrawal the other day. Was like yeah man it's serious he's like oh shit I didn't know, I don't know much about that but you seem really cold. Gave me some extra tea and stuff, that is a friend even if we don't chill or have each other's phone number. I see his employee discounts and freebies on my receipts like that is just chill. Like almost every day, and every time I see this guy. So damn chill, we can sense each other's psychedelic nature if you know what I mean.
But then I get pissed off because I find women so immature a lot of the time, I had a relationship this summer and thought I was in love but ended up getting completely fucked over. It was 2 days before I was set to move into an empty room next to hers when she told me she cancelled my rental app and moved home 12 hours away without even talking to me about it. That is pretty fucked up for what I would say was a passionate thing I mean she invited me over every night to the extent that I was practically living there. Since I got clean I have a new job but I make fuck all and have two degree. I am working for tattoo money, piercings, and a handful of dates I have had with someone from work who is absolutely lovely. I have known her for a good couple months but without so much as a kiss although we talk about relationships and stuff all the time. I am learning to be more cautious with people you see, and she is like that too because she has been abused by ex's.
That is also fucked up because she is a beautiful blonde little creature with a heart of gold, vivid green eyes like what snakes are taking advantage of and manipulating this girl? She needs a protector aka a stoned tripper, I nearly stomped one of her ex's faces into the cement when I saw how he was treating her. Peaceful man... but I can only see so much trash before I snap. Ended up propositioning him to step outside as he was ruining my date with her and I had been chilling with her for like 15 hours. I knew in advance, he was too much of a pussy and would walk away leaving us alone and he did just that. She was really uncomfortable and this guy was just a straight up sociopath. You think he know you but I know you the most girl... lol. Knowing my luck, I will obsess over this lady into the new year (she is on vacation now, luckily, since I relapsed for a couple weeks and feel like shit now so it's hard to miss her until I get healthy)... then get fuck all out of it and she will get back with some piece of shit ex boyfriend.
Sometimes I can't take it anymore all this bullshit like how can I be so open and social and real with people and not get so much as a kiss since the summertime it drives me crazy but this girl... she is a very special one. I sense that she sees the potential between us to make a great team. Question is... can she even handle something real? I am what she wants but I'll have to wait and see if she can deal with that. I will likely end up heartbroken and she asked me out on our first date like fuck. I was done with that drama for a while and find myself more infatuated with someone than ever before.
The only person I really hang out with is my brother, chillest dude ever we are 10 years apart in age but best friends and equals. And a farmer friend who is free spirited enough to hand pounds of nice outdoor to a friend for fuck all but being lifelong friends. The dates with the girl I like are the times when I am happiest. She makes me forget everything, we are polar opposites but have a lot in common. Make a great team, planning on starting a little business together it will be really fun. I want sex though and it sucks to me if we end up remaining just friends. I am getting closer with my sister, we were inhaling pure rose oil on Christmas. She loved it, was wonderful I tried really hard to make her happy. I have eschewed most or all of my past drug abusing friends. I can deal with getting nothing in return, but man it's like everyone wants to take their personal shit out on me... I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore. I only have so much energy.
I lost the will really to use either of my university degrees or to work for anyone. I don't even bother applying for technical positions anymore that I could be paid a lot for. It's all a hustle, a stupid competition and a waste of my life. I want to start my own business that blooms from creative expression with friends or partners into something beautiful that can help and reach a lot of people. I'm always working hard now and broke dude everything builds up and every once in a while I snap and just nod the fuck out on oxy's. It sucks feeling so social, but having such a hard time finding meaningful connections with people.
If I have to walk alone I'm giving up
I can't stay here knowing love is not enough
Untimely ripped into this world
I was born again as a girl
Just throwing some metalcore lyrics in there haha I have a cognitive library of ones I can relate to... and Lil Peep...
Anyways, don't get too hung up on an SSD and a bike. That sucks it keeps happening in a cycle though and I am sure it is not just with bikes as well, but goes beyond that. I don't really hang out with people so when I started hanging out with my (I just wrote girlfriend erasing it, forgetting she's not... on our early dates, anyone at all would mistake us for a long term couple)... anyways, I started seeing how shitty people can be when they get drinking in social scenarios. That type of environment makes me real uncomfortable even if I am on acid with her, that just makes it even worse. But like day to day I will talk to anyone it is just when that ego bullshit comes out at night, I can't handle that shit makes me scream internally at spirits to wake the fuck up.
Another friend, and another cokehead... well this dude was binging on Mdma and cocaine for 3 days and never complains of crashes it's still catching up with him, he is younger but when he calls me up I know it's bad. I spend an entire day helping him recuperate every way I know how. We love psychedelics so I give him some 2c-c... he sees where my stash is. I go upstairs to make us some tea, later I realize that he most definitely stole a half-filled vial of dmt from me, my favourite psychedelic, while I was upstairs. Then I got bitched out for reminding him that he owed me $20 which was very generous, he really owed me a lot more but I like to be generous with friend. Haven't spoken to him since, never will again. He's like man we don't touch that shit (opiates... yeah right, for now he doesn't. Just wait until he gets bored of all the cocaine and his stupid ego won't let go... I'm lucky enough that I haven't had a friend die from drugs yet, but I sense it with this guy so he can fuck off out of my life especially after stealing my pure)
Best coping thing I did recently was dye my hair peony pink. It is ridiculous looking I stir up a lot of shit. My boss brought it up I'm like dude I work from home and practically in a video game. He's like when can you cut it off... ummmmm - never? Pretty sure some dude thought I was gay the other day, lol. Attracts a lot of attention, stirs up a lot of shit... just what I wanted. Felt like pissing people off but it's actually sick, best thing I ever did to my appearance really. I have always dyed my hair, it is black but never bleached it before to get something vivid and it had to be triple bleached and took like 6 hours. Loving it though, Lil Peep my fave musician these days who OD'd himself did a lot of random stuff with his hair.
