Pausing for a second.

[RR1989]

Tonight the day to day racing meth mind has slowed enough to remind myself of what i have and have not been doing for the last 4 years now...daily meth use...some binges of IV use and its taking it toll at 34 years old. I am reminded every check up my BP and resting HR are elevated etc. The combination of daily methadone rx and dehydration has lead to me having a bowel movement once every 2 weeks. Gut health and brain health basically just speeding up my death date. whether a stroke, heart attack or suicide. I don't want to do this so bad but its such a part of my daily life i am at the point where i am afraid of not having it. Afraid of actually laying down in a bed to sleep at night. I dont know why though? Am I afraid of missing sitting on the couch playing xbox or reminiscing through Facebook pictures of earlier days?

I live off army compensation..just enough to pay rent and the car and then broke..although my compulsion to spend while high gets worse every month and now i am behind on everything but rent ( not that dumb just yet)..i want to work, i want to make enough to go do things i used to enjoy.

ive looked into micro dosing and tried once or twice to get a baseline feel. waiting on a connect still...meanwhile the guy still has the usual.. meth and fent..

i feel dirty (because i am) I isolate and hate knocks on the door. i usually ignore and watch them leave on camera..At the same time i want to be social again. i live far away from my home state because of last relationship that ended in a bad way. so its just me and the cat that i was awarded custody over (and has probably kept me from blowing my brains out a handful of times)

i dont know why i am writing this. not asking for sympathy. im skeptical at those who claim long term sobriety off of a 4 year daily -use habit WITHOUT detox or rehab..been through enough to run one myself...This stuff messes with your brain makeup and synapses etc...so even if the rug is removed...the exhaustion and crippling depression will keep me in bed longer than the detox. This is the longest amount of time ive spent on reflecting on my addiction in a while. It;s like part of me is trying to get my full attention or push through the meth haze to give me a chance to stop. i dont know.
goodnight guys

 

[SuspiciousBiscuit]

i feel dirty (because i am) I isolate and hate knocks on the door. i usually ignore and watch them leave on camera..At the same time i want to be social again. i live far away from my home state because of last relationship that ended in a bad way. so its just me and the cat that i was awarded custody over (and has probably kept me from blowing my brains out a handful of times)

Yo did I write this? This is verbatim what I went through. About 5 years ago. Left a bad relationship, escaped to 3 states away with my cat and a backpack of clothes and my Xbox. Had to start all over. I isolated myself but longed for a connection. Finally met one person. She became my wife. Still haven’t made any friends.

I will admit that my ice use isn’t doing my any favors as I am using over 3 g’s a day at this point. Now I’m happily married. But my wife doesn’t know what I do. kept it a secret for years. One day I’ll be found out. And when that happens, I don’t know… maybe I’ll just end it all.

 

[gordonliddy]

Are you looking for change or are you looking for a break?