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Partner can't climax

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smithy584

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 10, 2013
Messages
3
So I'm dating this girl, known her a long time and dated for a while, I'm her first ever partner and she's my second sexual partner, and we recently had a discussion about orgasms. She broke to me that she has never been able to give herself an orgasm and never been able to reach when I've been pleasuring her. She's says she gets so close but just can't get there no matter how much she wants to.

However, due to this it is stressing her out extremely, she is getting very upset and starting to make herself feel a little bit poorly because of the worrying. She is scared that there is something wrong with her and I'm doing my very best to calm her down and reinforce her. I told her that reaching orgasm takes time and patience and she seems to try and rush to reach it a little bit and I know she is just creating her own mental barrier.

I care an absolute lot for this girl, and I don't necessarily want to make her orgasm in this respect, I just want to stop her worrying, either by getting her to achieve orgasm or by talking it out. Her worrying make me worry. Any tips?
 
Maybe she is trying to hard? Maybe that during her upbringing she was told that 'sex is dirty' and has the idea that pleasuring herself was/is wrong. If your her first sexual partner it may take a bit of time and practice for her to be able to find what works for her and to be able to completely trust you and let go during sex.

Maybe make a night where it's not just about sex but more being close and intimate with each other - bubble bath, long shower together, lots of kissing, cuddling, rubbing bodies, lots of foreplay or just stick to playing with each other or oral. Don't just dive in and not stop until she reaches orgasm but play a bit, stop, play a bit more, stop etc.

Have you tried using a vibrator on her? Try it on various parts of her body and she what she enjoys etc.
 
Bearlove said:
Maybe she is trying to hard? Maybe that during her upbringing she was told that 'sex is dirty' and has the idea that pleasuring herself was/is wrong. If your her first sexual partner it may take a bit of time and practice for her to be able to find what works for her and to be able to completely trust you and let go during sex.

Maybe make a night where it's not just about sex but more being close and intimate with each other - bubble bath, long shower together, lots of kissing, cuddling, rubbing bodies, lots of foreplay or just stick to playing with each other or oral. Don't just dive in and not stop until she reaches orgasm but play a bit, stop, play a bit more, stop etc.

Have you tried using a vibrator on her? Try it on various parts of her body and she what she enjoys etc.
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Of course, I try to tell her that she is trying too hard, and she agrees, she says she's impatient. She enjoys pleasuring herself, but just can't make herself orgasm. She claims she gets close and she really likes it, but my main worry is that she's getting upset over it, and of course I don't like that.

I'll mention about a vibrator and see what she says, but right now I'm trying to avoid the subject to stop her bursting in to tears again... Yeah, that's how much she is thinking in to it, she finds it embarrassing and upsetting.
 
Does she masturbate? The best way a woman can learn her own body and learn to relax and cum IMO is to masturbate on her own. That's what helped me.
 
How long have you been having sex?

Recommend the Hitachi to her... best vibrator there is around, seriously. (And trust me, I have experience with lots of them!)
 
llama112 said:
How long have you been having sex?

Recommend the Hitachi to her... best vibrator there is around, seriously. (And trust me, I have experience with lots of them!)
Click to expand...

I second this. Hitachis are awesome!!!!

Maybe you could buy her one as a present? I know I would appreciate that gift way more than flowers :)
 
I agree that she should learn to give herself an orgasm first probably...maybe if she is just using her hand, she should try something else. It is different for everyone...I can bring myself to climax in less than a minute with my hand, but I just can never get there using a vibrator.

Maybe also get her to read some erotic stories. Once she gets into the groove of climaxing, you can explore together during sex and some of the pressure will be off.

It is great that you care so much about her pleasure, I am sure you will be able to solve this problem together!
 
Try to focus more on being together and not on her achieving orgasm being the ultimate goal. It'll take time but it sounds like she needs to learn to relax and become more comfortable with her sexuality. Since you do feel strongly for her tell her that in and out of bed. But in bed hold her tightly and tell her how she makes you feel and what she means to you. Perhaps that will help her comfort level and self-esteem. You may have to really lengthen the amount of foreplay you do together as well. Here's some books I can recommend:

Lou Paget - How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure (especially beginning with chapter 4 'Awakening Her Erogenous Zones')
David Michaels - When a Man Makes Love to a Woman (especially Phase 2 'Building Her Desire')
Tom Leonardi - Secrets of Sensual Lovemaking [Dutton/Penguin Publishing 1995] (this is probably the best book of the three. The author really goes into detail on how to relax and ease the tension and enhance the comfort level of a woman. He has great advice on long enjoyable foreplay, I learned so much from this book, please seek it out)

Good luck.
 
I don't think buying her a vibrator is necessary, if anything it reinforces the idea she needs something else other than her own mind and fingers. Just reassure her she isn't broken and that the key to it is relaxing enough to just let the body/mind do it's job. Her anxiety about it is the barrier obviously, so talk about it and make her feel secure etc before even getting naked.. and take it slooow. Hate to use this analogy.. but taking a shit.. you don't force it, I mean you can force it after lots of struggling and tensing.. but it is far easier to just relax and let the muscles do the work themselves. Just trust your own body to do what thousands of years of evolution have allowed it to do!

My gf hadn't orgasmed properly for years before meeting me, had just come out of an abusive relationship, and been raped also. She was afraid she was broken. It took awhile to convince her she wasn't, but that's the process you have to go through.. she credits me for helping her orgasm again but all I did was allow her to relax and feel secure enough in herself to cum.

It's all in the mind. Get her focusing on what turns her on, in her mind, rather than focusing on worry/anxiety. Obviously she's made a habit out of it.. your job is to break that habit through reassurance etc.
 
-=SS=- said:
I don't think buying her a vibrator is necessary, if anything it reinforces the idea she needs something else other than her own mind and fingers.
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Disagreed. My fingers are useless lol. Vibrators are so much better!
 
Is it that she comes close to orgasm and can't or that she comes close and is afraid to let her body take over because of control issues or something? If it's the former, perseverance and variety of stimulation is all that it will take, if it's the latter she might try giving it a shot after a few drinks or something to lower her inhibitions. If a person can't get themselves off with full privacy there's little reason to expect another person will be able to do it for them, so don't hold it against yourself.

If she's never orgasmed before it probably feels to her like a cross between having to pee and having to sneeze. She might be afraid of what's going to happen (she might think she's going to pee everywhere, or scream in a way she finds embarrassing, or experience some other loss of bodily control). If so, tell her to masturbate in the tub while biting down on a rag. That way she can be assured that whatever she is worried might happen will be contained.
 
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Well I got this bright idea from a friend to get a pearl I'm plant so I let my friend put this plastic bead under the shin just behind the head of my penis so about a month later it wasn't big enough to make a different I thought so I my self put a glass marble just behind the first one it tool about 2weeks to heal and the girls I've been with since most are squirters now lol thay pop in and out hitting the clit and the G spot
 
I'm actually against the vibrator as a means for a first orgasm. I currently own a wahl, hitachi, and have gone through a few others so it's not like I'm against them in general. I just strongly feel that her first couple of orgasms should be from her fingers(preferable), your tongue, your cock or a combination of all three! I can't speak for every female, but my vibrators are a huge crutch. Even after spending most of my teenage years getting myself off, I now prefer the intense climax from my mechanical friends. I'm trying to ween myself off to no avail!
 
I have few girlfriends in past which had same problems, but patience from you, and what "Anthrogirl" told you about is what helped those chick to reach orgasm,and then to become very "hungry" :)
 
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