the_ketaman
Bluelighter
So ill start at the beginning.
I had been homeless for a year, had managed to stop using heroin for around 2 years but was using meth on a much more destructive level and when comparing the quantities of each drug that id use, the meth eneded up with a ridiculous hold over me.
So I was living in a share house with 2 other people, id somewhat managed to get my life looking fairly normal from the outside. Then one faitful Easter sunday, I went out to the country to pick up some meth. While out there I went on grindr and ended up meeting up with this man names Ray. We hit it off really quick. He was funny, carefree, a bit of a doofus, he was high too and it was his payday so we got more. Now heres the first red flag, he wanted me to shoot him up, and of course I did(at that time people were paying me in drugs to hit them as im very good at it) I didnt think anything of it at the time but we got high, got naked and saw his body was exactly what I am incredibally attracted to and he had an enormous penis. Im no size queen but I was excited for the both of us because he thought I was absolutely gorgeous and couldnt believe that a guy like me wanted him.
So we got high and i realised that his tolerance was MUCH lower than mine and that he would get absolutely carried away being really too high and behaving inappropriately but it was in a funny way at first. We went on a 4 day road trip on the first day to a property out in the bush with his friends adult son who was a meth addict too. The house was basically see through but everytime the son would go out Ray would have me sucking his cock or we'd be doing something naughty. The first time the door opened in the middle of it we werent sure if we were caught but we had a shower later and had the feeling we were being watched but we were on meth afterall.
Anyway we all get higher, son brings out the G, ray has 1.5 ml me and son have 2,5 ml and it rocks me. I was totally wasted on the verge of 'g;ing out. It felt good! but then son somes and stands in front of us with a raging hardon and we were not keen so we went to bed.
In bed he was like a fucking squirrel, here there and everywhere and he kept dutch ovening me(fart and hold my head under the covers) this is still day one. I was shocked but I was high and I was giving it back though through other means. Eventually we had sex all night and it was fun but not sensual. See he was very sheltered, his ex had internalised homophobia big time so Ray had vasic sex and I didnt find out til later that hed pretty much never had sex with the light on. This is a 58 yo man! I was 33(I like older men as a rule) anyway, we “wake up“, get ready to leave and head back. He comes to my house which ive lived at for a year but ive managed to keep my using a secret as before this I was homeless for quite awhile living i tents, a boarding house where I got severely beaten up and an attempted staabig on me. and 3 seperate boarding houses run for men but you must pass drug tests. I got kicked out of the first 2 for dirties and the 3rd time I snuck a guy into my room not realising they check the cameras every morning so I woke up to my belongings in a bag outside my door.
So finding this chilled house and maintaining normality all that time was an absolute blessing to me. But Ray just would not go home. And we were told that he cant move in, he knew this and still wouldnt leave. Eventually I was told I had a month to leave so after this we ended up in a few extremely lucky situations. My heroin dealer had a house he didnt live in coz he stayed at his ex;s so he could sell h while she was at work. We had this pretty huge 1 bedroom house to ourselves all the time for cheap, when we stopped paying rent we stayed at a fucking horrible motel that is overpriced, no wifi, no free to air TV inputs and everyone was on one drug or another, most on meth. In fact my upstairs neighbour was my first meth dealer in that city. Thats where we started getting silly. We#d rent out his ar fr meth and G and this guy is an idiot, we told him no driving on G and he broke that rule constantly but our need for meth outweighed thinking about consequences. I also didnt mention that when I met himn I told him id never supply him with heroin so dont other asking. Eventually he broke my walls down and hed have like 1/4 the amount id have and be almost OD'ing. And then came the withdrawals which hed obviously never experienced before. To his credit he is a warrior when it comes to withdrawing, never complained and often let me have the last bag to myself. But I was starting to feel like I was enabling him to a fairly toxic degree along with having to hit him. I told him multiple times he has to learn or im not doing it anymore coz it doesnt feel right shooting someone up that I love very much. He would just give a half-arsed, clearly not trying go at it then id just do it.
See the pattern here? He did not give a fuck about my personal boundaries and didnt understand the stress he was putting me through or he just didnt care. Our rule was with meth we go 50/50 but with h we go .1-2 of a ml and I have .5 of a ml depending on the gear. Now by this point I had a huge meth tolerance so the amount he was having became too much but then hed which he was fine and that he wasnt that high, when he was rapidly losing weight, becoming erratic and difficult to be around as he just would not shut up and things at the motel were falling apart. Eventually we got kicked out and moved into a transition house for a charity company that helps you find homes. And it was becoming abundantly clear that something was very, very wrong with Ray. He looked like an aids patient thats hw skinny he was, he was shitting blood and had no energy at all. I made him go to the hospital and he was diagnosed with crohns and hyperthyroidism. Finally we knew he wasnt on his death bed, but he wouldnt take the mess properly wo hed start, stop, get sick, then start again. Eventually he was hospitalised multiple times where I would travel far to see him every single day, twice we snuck me in to sleep in a tiny one person hospital bed so we could spoon all night. We were certainly ery much in love. I told him give it time and he did and I did fall so in love with this beautiful human.
Hed been abused horifically as a child, physically and psychologically. He was basically illiterate which I helped him change. And he couldnt look after himself if for some reason everyone he knew dosappeared, he loved to do washing and cleaning, but he was basically bedridden by this point. We both had medium heroin habits with ice maybe twice a week. Id often hide the ice from him coz it was killing him but hed always find out. When he was in hospital I cheated on him and again at another point. I wasnt mature enough to consider his feelings and I was a bit of a whore at that time. I blamed it on the xanax blackouts mixed with meth which essentially is true but I still did it, I still changed the relationship forever and I regret it so fucking much if I could go again I would never have done it as it was far from worth it. But I did tell him both times within 3 days. Around this time we found out benzos and him dont mix. I gave him 1mg and went for a skateboard and he locked me out of the house all night and I slept on the concrete, when we woke in the morning he let me in claiming he was deeply asleep but all of a sudden he turned and started belting me with a big plastic baton type thing. It was not him at all he is incredibly passive and he ended up getting arrested for assault which really fucked him up. But his family blamed me for calling the police and thats where those problems started.
One night he was so fucking high on meth I made him call his mother and tell her that hes got a problem and neds help. Guess what? the blame on me started rolling in, every single thing was my fault and they knew he'd been using speed before I was even fucking born in the 80's. He told me he was sticking up for me but now I doubt it. We recieved all kinds of verbal abuse from them when I only wanted him to get some help!
Anyway move forward, we are living with my mum, 2 months into that we both got on buvidal, still using a bit of everything but much less. I had tried to get Ray to come to recovery meetings with me and usually he declined citing fear of public speaking so id just go. Things were mostly good. We had a place to stay for as long as we needed, he had matured considerably and was now a sex god basically.
But after a year of living there his nephew comitted suicide and after going to his family funerals and being treated fucking terribly by his family I decided not to go. Well the next night I got a msg, clearly nt from him saying he would not be coming back. When I tried to msg back id been blocked. Now I have autism, I need to understand fully a situation. I had no idea what was going on and a week went by, hen two, then a month then eventually three months went by with me doing eerything I could to contact him and in serious distress because he was my soulmate by that point and he was gone, not talking to me and I just was ledt in limbo. Finally I wrote a letter to him and he called me, w saw each other for a week at a time a few times then he moved back in for three months.
Well, three months ago he did the same thing for the most stupid of reasons. And he knew how much i suffered when he did it the first time and promised not to yet here we are. It proved that he just didnt care. So of course ive been more than a mess but then this morning found him on grindr and angrily confronted him. He spoke to me with such carelessness toward my feelings, confirmed he had been fuckng other people(with the skills and self confidence I helped him aquire) and im almost 100% sure now that he would have cheated on me during our together time and not told me which is way worse than what I did. He also admitted to using me for drugs and a place to live. I was and am just beyond disbelief and hurt to my core.
Today I totally lost it. Ive injected almost 30x 40mg Ritalins, praying that one of them would kill me. Later on I had a shot d heroin and some benzos thank god but ive been out of my mind so unbelievably hurt, I feel betrayed, lied to , cheated, I feel hes a fraud, I dont know if he ever loved me now and im so confused and will never truly know the answer to any of this. Ive learned many, many lessons throughout this whole journey. The hardest thing is though that he taught me how to love and in many cases, really was the man and looked after me in such a beautiful way. And making love with him was magical in the end. And now I dont ever want to fall in love again and I am so attached and attracted to his body that I dont find anyone else attractive yet hes out fucking all these young guys and its kiling me, it actually will kill me soon. Tomorrow im getting 2 bottles of xanax, 2 g's of meth, 30ml G, and some heroin and had planned to commit suicide. That thought has hankfully left the building but my life just seems a series of really horrible things happening directly to me.
Anyway I told him im going to leave him alone, I wished him well and hoped he found someone who made him happy. And now I dont get cuddles and kisses, I sleep alone. I used to sleep cuddling the sloth toy he bought me but after finding all this out I want to burn all of his things. I probably will.
In any case, I think im going to get moderately high every day for as long as I can. I need a break from the hurting and I just need time to pass so I can be me again.
Anyway thats my story of meeting the most beautiful man that I thought walked this planet taking total advantage of me, using me and destroying my mental health. For people out there using meth with a loved one, just be careful. Lies come with the job.
Ill be ok soon, im really fucking angry though!
I had been homeless for a year, had managed to stop using heroin for around 2 years but was using meth on a much more destructive level and when comparing the quantities of each drug that id use, the meth eneded up with a ridiculous hold over me.
So I was living in a share house with 2 other people, id somewhat managed to get my life looking fairly normal from the outside. Then one faitful Easter sunday, I went out to the country to pick up some meth. While out there I went on grindr and ended up meeting up with this man names Ray. We hit it off really quick. He was funny, carefree, a bit of a doofus, he was high too and it was his payday so we got more. Now heres the first red flag, he wanted me to shoot him up, and of course I did(at that time people were paying me in drugs to hit them as im very good at it) I didnt think anything of it at the time but we got high, got naked and saw his body was exactly what I am incredibally attracted to and he had an enormous penis. Im no size queen but I was excited for the both of us because he thought I was absolutely gorgeous and couldnt believe that a guy like me wanted him.
So we got high and i realised that his tolerance was MUCH lower than mine and that he would get absolutely carried away being really too high and behaving inappropriately but it was in a funny way at first. We went on a 4 day road trip on the first day to a property out in the bush with his friends adult son who was a meth addict too. The house was basically see through but everytime the son would go out Ray would have me sucking his cock or we'd be doing something naughty. The first time the door opened in the middle of it we werent sure if we were caught but we had a shower later and had the feeling we were being watched but we were on meth afterall.
Anyway we all get higher, son brings out the G, ray has 1.5 ml me and son have 2,5 ml and it rocks me. I was totally wasted on the verge of 'g;ing out. It felt good! but then son somes and stands in front of us with a raging hardon and we were not keen so we went to bed.
In bed he was like a fucking squirrel, here there and everywhere and he kept dutch ovening me(fart and hold my head under the covers) this is still day one. I was shocked but I was high and I was giving it back though through other means. Eventually we had sex all night and it was fun but not sensual. See he was very sheltered, his ex had internalised homophobia big time so Ray had vasic sex and I didnt find out til later that hed pretty much never had sex with the light on. This is a 58 yo man! I was 33(I like older men as a rule) anyway, we “wake up“, get ready to leave and head back. He comes to my house which ive lived at for a year but ive managed to keep my using a secret as before this I was homeless for quite awhile living i tents, a boarding house where I got severely beaten up and an attempted staabig on me. and 3 seperate boarding houses run for men but you must pass drug tests. I got kicked out of the first 2 for dirties and the 3rd time I snuck a guy into my room not realising they check the cameras every morning so I woke up to my belongings in a bag outside my door.
So finding this chilled house and maintaining normality all that time was an absolute blessing to me. But Ray just would not go home. And we were told that he cant move in, he knew this and still wouldnt leave. Eventually I was told I had a month to leave so after this we ended up in a few extremely lucky situations. My heroin dealer had a house he didnt live in coz he stayed at his ex;s so he could sell h while she was at work. We had this pretty huge 1 bedroom house to ourselves all the time for cheap, when we stopped paying rent we stayed at a fucking horrible motel that is overpriced, no wifi, no free to air TV inputs and everyone was on one drug or another, most on meth. In fact my upstairs neighbour was my first meth dealer in that city. Thats where we started getting silly. We#d rent out his ar fr meth and G and this guy is an idiot, we told him no driving on G and he broke that rule constantly but our need for meth outweighed thinking about consequences. I also didnt mention that when I met himn I told him id never supply him with heroin so dont other asking. Eventually he broke my walls down and hed have like 1/4 the amount id have and be almost OD'ing. And then came the withdrawals which hed obviously never experienced before. To his credit he is a warrior when it comes to withdrawing, never complained and often let me have the last bag to myself. But I was starting to feel like I was enabling him to a fairly toxic degree along with having to hit him. I told him multiple times he has to learn or im not doing it anymore coz it doesnt feel right shooting someone up that I love very much. He would just give a half-arsed, clearly not trying go at it then id just do it.
See the pattern here? He did not give a fuck about my personal boundaries and didnt understand the stress he was putting me through or he just didnt care. Our rule was with meth we go 50/50 but with h we go .1-2 of a ml and I have .5 of a ml depending on the gear. Now by this point I had a huge meth tolerance so the amount he was having became too much but then hed which he was fine and that he wasnt that high, when he was rapidly losing weight, becoming erratic and difficult to be around as he just would not shut up and things at the motel were falling apart. Eventually we got kicked out and moved into a transition house for a charity company that helps you find homes. And it was becoming abundantly clear that something was very, very wrong with Ray. He looked like an aids patient thats hw skinny he was, he was shitting blood and had no energy at all. I made him go to the hospital and he was diagnosed with crohns and hyperthyroidism. Finally we knew he wasnt on his death bed, but he wouldnt take the mess properly wo hed start, stop, get sick, then start again. Eventually he was hospitalised multiple times where I would travel far to see him every single day, twice we snuck me in to sleep in a tiny one person hospital bed so we could spoon all night. We were certainly ery much in love. I told him give it time and he did and I did fall so in love with this beautiful human.
Hed been abused horifically as a child, physically and psychologically. He was basically illiterate which I helped him change. And he couldnt look after himself if for some reason everyone he knew dosappeared, he loved to do washing and cleaning, but he was basically bedridden by this point. We both had medium heroin habits with ice maybe twice a week. Id often hide the ice from him coz it was killing him but hed always find out. When he was in hospital I cheated on him and again at another point. I wasnt mature enough to consider his feelings and I was a bit of a whore at that time. I blamed it on the xanax blackouts mixed with meth which essentially is true but I still did it, I still changed the relationship forever and I regret it so fucking much if I could go again I would never have done it as it was far from worth it. But I did tell him both times within 3 days. Around this time we found out benzos and him dont mix. I gave him 1mg and went for a skateboard and he locked me out of the house all night and I slept on the concrete, when we woke in the morning he let me in claiming he was deeply asleep but all of a sudden he turned and started belting me with a big plastic baton type thing. It was not him at all he is incredibly passive and he ended up getting arrested for assault which really fucked him up. But his family blamed me for calling the police and thats where those problems started.
One night he was so fucking high on meth I made him call his mother and tell her that hes got a problem and neds help. Guess what? the blame on me started rolling in, every single thing was my fault and they knew he'd been using speed before I was even fucking born in the 80's. He told me he was sticking up for me but now I doubt it. We recieved all kinds of verbal abuse from them when I only wanted him to get some help!
Anyway move forward, we are living with my mum, 2 months into that we both got on buvidal, still using a bit of everything but much less. I had tried to get Ray to come to recovery meetings with me and usually he declined citing fear of public speaking so id just go. Things were mostly good. We had a place to stay for as long as we needed, he had matured considerably and was now a sex god basically.
But after a year of living there his nephew comitted suicide and after going to his family funerals and being treated fucking terribly by his family I decided not to go. Well the next night I got a msg, clearly nt from him saying he would not be coming back. When I tried to msg back id been blocked. Now I have autism, I need to understand fully a situation. I had no idea what was going on and a week went by, hen two, then a month then eventually three months went by with me doing eerything I could to contact him and in serious distress because he was my soulmate by that point and he was gone, not talking to me and I just was ledt in limbo. Finally I wrote a letter to him and he called me, w saw each other for a week at a time a few times then he moved back in for three months.
Well, three months ago he did the same thing for the most stupid of reasons. And he knew how much i suffered when he did it the first time and promised not to yet here we are. It proved that he just didnt care. So of course ive been more than a mess but then this morning found him on grindr and angrily confronted him. He spoke to me with such carelessness toward my feelings, confirmed he had been fuckng other people(with the skills and self confidence I helped him aquire) and im almost 100% sure now that he would have cheated on me during our together time and not told me which is way worse than what I did. He also admitted to using me for drugs and a place to live. I was and am just beyond disbelief and hurt to my core.
Today I totally lost it. Ive injected almost 30x 40mg Ritalins, praying that one of them would kill me. Later on I had a shot d heroin and some benzos thank god but ive been out of my mind so unbelievably hurt, I feel betrayed, lied to , cheated, I feel hes a fraud, I dont know if he ever loved me now and im so confused and will never truly know the answer to any of this. Ive learned many, many lessons throughout this whole journey. The hardest thing is though that he taught me how to love and in many cases, really was the man and looked after me in such a beautiful way. And making love with him was magical in the end. And now I dont ever want to fall in love again and I am so attached and attracted to his body that I dont find anyone else attractive yet hes out fucking all these young guys and its kiling me, it actually will kill me soon. Tomorrow im getting 2 bottles of xanax, 2 g's of meth, 30ml G, and some heroin and had planned to commit suicide. That thought has hankfully left the building but my life just seems a series of really horrible things happening directly to me.
Anyway I told him im going to leave him alone, I wished him well and hoped he found someone who made him happy. And now I dont get cuddles and kisses, I sleep alone. I used to sleep cuddling the sloth toy he bought me but after finding all this out I want to burn all of his things. I probably will.
In any case, I think im going to get moderately high every day for as long as I can. I need a break from the hurting and I just need time to pass so I can be me again.
Anyway thats my story of meeting the most beautiful man that I thought walked this planet taking total advantage of me, using me and destroying my mental health. For people out there using meth with a loved one, just be careful. Lies come with the job.
Ill be ok soon, im really fucking angry though!
