astral_logic_
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2020
- Messages
- 2
This is Cohesion!
I don't know if any of the same people are around-- thanks for being here after all these years, BL.
Here's the scenario:
I am going on an upcoming trip with my partner and our two daughters. We’ve been together for a year and a half. His is 15, mine is 11.
He always wants to travel solo when we take international trips. So, we buy separate flights and itineraries then meet in the destined city. On return, he typically stays longer than me, returning a week or more later. On these trips we are going to yoga festivals and visiting with all our friends.
During the last trip in October to his home country, we were going through a difficult moment. I was stressed/anxious/not eating because he was closing his heart to me, being very mean, and simultaneously flirting and paying attention to anyone except me. My emotional weakness likely set the conditions for him to avoid me and simultaneously grow closer to different women with his questionable intentions and mutual uncertainty about the future.
I think in all that, he made a potentially romantic emotional connection with a few different women there--- one in particular. He even brought her to his grandma’s house, and gave her one of my suitcases for her travel back home.
Our next trip is planned for July. I bought my and my daughter’s tickets. When I told him of my ticket purchase, he said, with pride and a smile, that he was going to stay a week or more longer than me. Also, could I bring his daughter back on the flight with me?
Should I bring her back, knowing he is opening a door to spend time with "friends" solo? I think I should do it without questioning him. By refusing to take his daughter home on the flight with us, he will either a) have to sacrifice his “alone time” from family to be with "friends", or b) send her on a flight alone and then resent me for it. Well, he simply wouldn't sacrifice his alone time, and she has been on international flights alone before.
Should I ask him directly if he made a romantic connection with this specific woman? Again, I can’t- because he’d get angry immediately, and I would never hear the end of it. He would say that my asking him was “jealous and delusional” and that I don’t trust him. He’d say that they were just friends. He’d constantly bring up me being “jealous” of him— he thinks I’m constantly jealous. Deep down I feel that asking him anything at all about her would do nothing to improve our current relationship.
I think that he's trying to speed up the end of our relationship. Knowing him, if I mention either of those things, he is likely to bring them up in the days and weeks before our flights out-- Whether he's doing it intentionally or not, it would break any potential positive momentum.
I want to keep the relationship for at least 2 more years- for family stability/growth. Personally, I rely on his support as I work through grad school. I also have a tendency to have dips in my mental health that historically has affected the functioning of my parenting and all-around well-being. Our family structure/home helps buffer my lows. There’s also social status that comes with being his partner - he's very attractive, a musician, and has a really cool successful career. This weighs heavily. I probably wouldn’t visit the yoga community anymore- I wouldn’t want to be there with him if we weren't together. I feel like his prospects are better than mine, going forward.
He definitely has lows too. He’s controlling and mean on most if not all days. He’s constantly supervising and criticizing me. It lowers my self-esteem. Often he’s wrong, and mean about it. Other times he’s exactly right, and I improve myself. Overall, he doesn’t say too many loving things anymore. Sometimes he treats me like one of the kids.
We have talked about buying an investment property together later this year. I want to stay friends if at all possible. It will be hard to let go of the resentment that he wanted me to stop going to school “because I don’t have to anymore” (due to his good salary). Now he wants me to get there fast- but a year later I’m almost where I left off. I lost momentum when he told me to take fewer classes and slow down.
Every day I feel deeply unhappy because I believe but don't have solid evidence that his heart is wandering. What's worse is that this woman made very close acquaintance with my daughter- my 11 year old loves her a lot.
How many more of these trips do I really want to go on? It looks like a lot of suffering ahead, the way he is so warm and sweet with other women and treats me so small. But I also want to go and to be seen, I want them to know that I exist. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle my emotions well- and everyone will see- if I don't completely "let him go" in my mind before our next trip.
The good reasons are:
What I get:
-His role in my daughter’s life
-Financial stability
-His (now my) community
-Respect from others when they find out I am his partner
-His capacity and ability to accomplish things that we share mutual interest in.
-His constant urging me to be/do better
Avoiding pain:
-Don’t want to break up the family structure
-Not confident that I can handle it as well as a single parent
-Not wanting him to find someone prettier, smarter, with greater ability than me (He would- and What would that say about me?)
-Don’t feel my prospects are going to be as good as his in the dating game, he has more to offer than me.
TL;DR
Partner is a good step dad in spite of his anger and control. Stability and relative peace for our daughters due to their histories. But he's not putting effort that nourishes me into our relationship, is mean, and maybe has someone in mind. Should I travel to the international locations where our community meets and "hold my place" and try not to see anything but them just "being friends"? If I maintain peace, I can keep the relationship going for a long time. He wouldn't leave me for her until my daughter is older (because of the social faux pas it would be in the community to walk out as a step dad without a "good reason"- if I'm keeping the peace, I get to stay).
I don't know if any of the same people are around-- thanks for being here after all these years, BL.
Here's the scenario:
I am going on an upcoming trip with my partner and our two daughters. We’ve been together for a year and a half. His is 15, mine is 11.
He always wants to travel solo when we take international trips. So, we buy separate flights and itineraries then meet in the destined city. On return, he typically stays longer than me, returning a week or more later. On these trips we are going to yoga festivals and visiting with all our friends.
During the last trip in October to his home country, we were going through a difficult moment. I was stressed/anxious/not eating because he was closing his heart to me, being very mean, and simultaneously flirting and paying attention to anyone except me. My emotional weakness likely set the conditions for him to avoid me and simultaneously grow closer to different women with his questionable intentions and mutual uncertainty about the future.
I think in all that, he made a potentially romantic emotional connection with a few different women there--- one in particular. He even brought her to his grandma’s house, and gave her one of my suitcases for her travel back home.
Our next trip is planned for July. I bought my and my daughter’s tickets. When I told him of my ticket purchase, he said, with pride and a smile, that he was going to stay a week or more longer than me. Also, could I bring his daughter back on the flight with me?
Should I bring her back, knowing he is opening a door to spend time with "friends" solo? I think I should do it without questioning him. By refusing to take his daughter home on the flight with us, he will either a) have to sacrifice his “alone time” from family to be with "friends", or b) send her on a flight alone and then resent me for it. Well, he simply wouldn't sacrifice his alone time, and she has been on international flights alone before.
Should I ask him directly if he made a romantic connection with this specific woman? Again, I can’t- because he’d get angry immediately, and I would never hear the end of it. He would say that my asking him was “jealous and delusional” and that I don’t trust him. He’d say that they were just friends. He’d constantly bring up me being “jealous” of him— he thinks I’m constantly jealous. Deep down I feel that asking him anything at all about her would do nothing to improve our current relationship.
I think that he's trying to speed up the end of our relationship. Knowing him, if I mention either of those things, he is likely to bring them up in the days and weeks before our flights out-- Whether he's doing it intentionally or not, it would break any potential positive momentum.
I want to keep the relationship for at least 2 more years- for family stability/growth. Personally, I rely on his support as I work through grad school. I also have a tendency to have dips in my mental health that historically has affected the functioning of my parenting and all-around well-being. Our family structure/home helps buffer my lows. There’s also social status that comes with being his partner - he's very attractive, a musician, and has a really cool successful career. This weighs heavily. I probably wouldn’t visit the yoga community anymore- I wouldn’t want to be there with him if we weren't together. I feel like his prospects are better than mine, going forward.
He definitely has lows too. He’s controlling and mean on most if not all days. He’s constantly supervising and criticizing me. It lowers my self-esteem. Often he’s wrong, and mean about it. Other times he’s exactly right, and I improve myself. Overall, he doesn’t say too many loving things anymore. Sometimes he treats me like one of the kids.
We have talked about buying an investment property together later this year. I want to stay friends if at all possible. It will be hard to let go of the resentment that he wanted me to stop going to school “because I don’t have to anymore” (due to his good salary). Now he wants me to get there fast- but a year later I’m almost where I left off. I lost momentum when he told me to take fewer classes and slow down.
Every day I feel deeply unhappy because I believe but don't have solid evidence that his heart is wandering. What's worse is that this woman made very close acquaintance with my daughter- my 11 year old loves her a lot.
How many more of these trips do I really want to go on? It looks like a lot of suffering ahead, the way he is so warm and sweet with other women and treats me so small. But I also want to go and to be seen, I want them to know that I exist. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle my emotions well- and everyone will see- if I don't completely "let him go" in my mind before our next trip.
The good reasons are:
What I get:
-His role in my daughter’s life
-Financial stability
-His (now my) community
-Respect from others when they find out I am his partner
-His capacity and ability to accomplish things that we share mutual interest in.
-His constant urging me to be/do better
Avoiding pain:
-Don’t want to break up the family structure
-Not confident that I can handle it as well as a single parent
-Not wanting him to find someone prettier, smarter, with greater ability than me (He would- and What would that say about me?)
-Don’t feel my prospects are going to be as good as his in the dating game, he has more to offer than me.
TL;DR
Partner is a good step dad in spite of his anger and control. Stability and relative peace for our daughters due to their histories. But he's not putting effort that nourishes me into our relationship, is mean, and maybe has someone in mind. Should I travel to the international locations where our community meets and "hold my place" and try not to see anything but them just "being friends"? If I maintain peace, I can keep the relationship going for a long time. He wouldn't leave me for her until my daughter is older (because of the social faux pas it would be in the community to walk out as a step dad without a "good reason"- if I'm keeping the peace, I get to stay).
