Misc Panic Attacks or Genuine Danger?

[Stringer_Bell]

Hi all,

Sorry for the long post. If you don't feel inclined to read all of it, you can just skip down to 'Question' below. The rest is just background.

In a nutshell and if you don't want to read the long post - I enjoy taking drugs a lot but sometimes I get terrible anxiety/fear when taking them, following a really bad experience with LSD many years ago. I'm trying to decide whether I'm better off trying to conquer the fear of drugs or just quit using them altogether. The main symptom I get is overwhelming fear that I'm going to die. It only happens occasionally but is still terrifying. However, thinking about it rationally, I'm pretty sure it's just anxiety, I don't think I am actually about to die given that the only symptom is tremendous fear, not any physical symptoms like chest pain, etc.

MANY YEARS AGO

- I'm in my thirties now. Between the ages of 16-18 I used LSD a LOT (probably weekly - stupid I know) and smoked marijuana pretty regularly.

- I had a terrible LSD experience the penultimate time I used it at age 18. Had a trip as normal then smoked weed to come down and sleep. I got some hellish bodily reaction and, I'm convinced, almost died. Ended up in A&E. At one point I KNEW I was about to die. The whole world went black, by this time I had woken my parents and the last thought I had was knowing the grief I would be causing them by dying. At that point all the fear went and all I felt was sorrow. But, I woke up. The next day I was totally fine.

- Unbelievably I took LSD again two weeks later. I had put the terrible reaction down to the combination of LSD + pot. However, bizarrely, I got the SAME reaction just taking LSD as I had two weeks prior. It was much less intense though. Still scary but nowhere near as scary as two weeks before. However, my life changed from this point. Starting the following day, I began experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, which I had never suffered from before. They have continued up to this day, although I have learned to cope with them over the years.

- After that final horrible LSD experience I didn't just quit using illicit drugs, I refused to touch ANY drug, including alcohol. My fear of drugs was so intense that during one stay in hospital for an emergency operation, I refused morphine even though I had basically been sliced open. I chose awful pain over being administered a strong opiate.

LAST FEW YEARS

- However, in the last few years, my fear of drugs diminished, out of necessity. I had to take anti-depressants becaus the depression got too bad to cope without them, I had to start taking benzos sometimes to quell the terrible anxiety, I ended up taking a mild stimulant (Cylert - in Japan) to get through the work days.

- As the fear subsided, I started to 'enjoy' drugs again. Only prescription drugs (mostly dexamfetamine and xanax) up until a few months ago, when I did a couple of lines of coke. For somebody who at one point was scared to take caffeine or alcohol, this was actually remarkable 'progress'.

PRESENT

- I've just come back from a major EDM festival in the US. Over the weekend I took MDMA (tested with Dancesafe's four reagent test kit) a couple of times and did a lot of cocaine on Saturday. Apart from the experience I detail below, I had a blast. I thought I had fallen in love after doing my first line of coke. But then fell out of love very quickly when the comedown hit hard just 20 mins later and the following lines I did were nowhere near as good. I kind of screwed up my first time MDMA experience by taking a 'test' dose of 40mg on Thursday night (to see if I would have a bad reaction). The test dose did very little. I took a proper dose of around 150mg in total the next day at the concert. It was quite a mellow experience, I think because the 'test' dose of 40 mg taken the day before had drained some of my serotonin without actually giving me much of a high. It was enjoyable but not powerful.

- On Saturday I did coke througout the day, but not that much, maybe 0.5g. A few hours after taking my last line of cocaine, driving on the way to the concert I had a MAJOR anxiety attack. The main symptom was an overwhelming certainty that my heart was about to stop beating. We were stuck in traffic and giving a ride to a couple of relative strangers. I also was carrying MDMA. If I could have gotten to the Emergency Room, I would have gone immediately. After about 30 mins it passed, just leaving me very shaken up. I took some Xanax, then we went into the festival and I was fine.

QUESTION


- Was the extreme anxiety I experienced all in my head? Or is it possible that I really was close to dying? I couldn't have been close to an actual overdose, I hadn't taken that much coke and I snorted the last line about 2 hours prior to the panic attack. If the coke was going to kill me I doubt it would do so hours after taking it.

- I really enjoy taking drugs occasionally. Obviously I hate the dreadful anxiety I sometimes get. I think my only real choices are to get over all the fear I have of drugs and take them without worrying or stop taking them altogether. There doesn't seem to be much point taking them if every time I do, I worry that I'm going to die. What would you do in these circumstances? Would you quit using drugs altogether or get over the fear of them somehow? I think I just want somebody to tell me that all the anxiety is in my head, I wasn't actually in any physical danger. I think if I really was dying the symptoms would be more physical (e.g. chest pain) and not just overwhelming fear.

- Rolling at the EDM festival was great (although less intense than it could have been had I rolled 'right'). It's something I want to do again, every few months. I'd hate to not be able to do it. I didn't get any bad experience with MDMA (except for anxiety on the come-up only because I was taking a drug I hadn't experienced before), only with the coke. Do you think I'm ok to roll again? I think I should take a proper MDMA dose at home, in a 'safe' environment, in a couple of months time. Taking it for the first time at a crazy, huge EDM festival was bound to be a bit scary.

Would be very grateful for any thoughts, particularly from those who have experienced anything vaguely similar. Thanks in advance.

 

[fukme]

You seem to have a consistent theme of anxiety and fear of death. After partying a while with coke and MDMA it's expected that your dopamine system is going to be a bit burnt, for harm reduction's sake I would recommend a break. I know most of us don't do breaks, but anxiety is going to be expected when you are partying as you are . No judgement intended. Maybe just try to mellow out with cannabis, and meditation. Eat well and stay hydrated.

I had one bad experience with LSD in or around 1996 ( back when there was still some acid around ) and I know from experience that the fear one feels during a bad trip is very much real and *not* in your head. If you are having consistent bad trips, then yes it would be prudent to discontinue tripping till you can get a handle on your anxiety. Both MDMA and LSD both have huge potential to induce a fear state. Be careful

 

[Joey24x18]

I have a very similar background as you. When I was 15-18 I smoked weed every single day of my life and loved it. I started taking psychedelics around 16. It started with dxm, which I've probably taken at least 200 times. Then research chemicals such as 2c-I, 4-aco-dmt, etc. That led to a terrible two year addiction to synthetic marijuana. I've done mushrooms probably 50 times, and I believe I've had real LSD on a few occasions. No way to be sure though.

We'll anyways, now days I stay relatively sober. The extent of my drug use is drinking 5-6 beers at party's and kava kava occasionally.

I cannot smoke weed unless Im drunk first or take a benzo. Something in my brain snapped, and anything remotely psychedelic, including weed, throws me into fight or flight mode where I legitimately believe I'm about to die. I tried to push through it, hoping I'd gain a tolerance and the negative effects would go away. But nope. I was addicted to phenibut for 9 months, and I was able to smoke massive amounts of high quality bud with no problems due to phenibut killing any anxiety present. But I'm 12 days clean off the phenibut and Ive yet to smoke since. I know if I we're to take one hit right now I'd be having a mental breakdown.

Honestly it's sad. I used to love smoking pot. All my friends still smoke every day, and I just don't even hang out with them anymore because trying to explain it all to them never works. They don't get how weed can make me feel the way it does.

So now I drink. Not a lot. Usually on the weekends when I go to party's. Occasionally I'll drink some kava, which really just mellows me out. About 6 months ago i attempted to trip on HBWR seeds, and about half way through my trip i went into a state of mind i can only describe as psychosis. I didnt think that just i was dying, but that the entire universe was coming to an end.

Im only 21. My theory is that Im going to take a 5-10 year break from everything except alcohol, then return in my 30s and see how weed and psychadelics effect me. I miss it. And I completely understand what you're going through. I've looked it up online and it seems it's not uncommon for stuff like this to happen.

 

[smackydowners]

you seem to suffer from quite severe anxiety. stimulants and psychedelics (or even alcohol/xanax due to the rebound anxiety when coming down) only seem to exacerbate anxiety. sounds like you need a long break from everything, maybe only using the xanax when you absolutely need it. exercise and meditating are your best bets for anxiety.

also, were you taking the coke/mdma whilst on antidepressants? this is really dodgy and could be what knocked you sideways

 

[Stringer_Bell]

I have a very similar background as you. When I was 15-18 I smoked weed every single day of my life and loved it. I started taking psychedelics around 16. It started with dxm, which I've probably taken at least 200 times. Then research chemicals such as 2c-I, 4-aco-dmt, etc. That led to a terrible two year addiction to synthetic marijuana. I've done mushrooms probably 50 times, and I believe I've had real LSD on a few occasions. No way to be sure though.

We'll anyways, now days I stay relatively sober. The extent of my drug use is drinking 5-6 beers at party's and kava kava occasionally.

I cannot smoke weed unless Im drunk first or take a benzo. Something in my brain snapped, and anything remotely psychedelic, including weed, throws me into fight or flight mode where I legitimately believe I'm about to die. I tried to push through it, hoping I'd gain a tolerance and the negative effects would go away. But nope. I was addicted to phenibut for 9 months, and I was able to smoke massive amounts of high quality bud with no problems due to phenibut killing any anxiety present. But I'm 12 days clean off the phenibut and Ive yet to smoke since. I know if I we're to take one hit right now I'd be having a mental breakdown.

Honestly it's sad. I used to love smoking pot. All my friends still smoke every day, and I just don't even hang out with them anymore because trying to explain it all to them never works. They don't get how weed can make me feel the way it does.

So now I drink. Not a lot. Usually on the weekends when I go to party's. Occasionally I'll drink some kava, which really just mellows me out. About 6 months ago i attempted to trip on HBWR seeds, and about half way through my trip i went into a state of mind i can only describe as psychosis. I didnt think that just i was dying, but that the entire universe was coming to an end.

Im only 21. My theory is that Im going to take a 5-10 year break from everything except alcohol, then return in my 30s and see how weed and psychadelics effect me. I miss it. And I completely understand what you're going through. I've looked it up online and it seems it's not uncommon for stuff like this to happen.

This post really resonated with me. I was actually a few years younger than you when I took my massive break from drugs (any drugs, even prescription). It's a real shame when you are somebody that enjoys doing them and you see your friends doing it like it's nothing, while knowing that if you do the same you'll have some crazy anxiety attack/breakdown. I took longer than a 10 year break and have now come back to using drugs but it will never be the same as before, now that the fear is there. I can enjoy dexamfetamine without any fear because I have taken it so many times, I know I'm ok with it. Maybe after doing Molly a few times I'll lose all fear too. I hope so because the experience I had on Friday was so nice but could have been incredible.

Smacky and Fukme. I probably made it sound like I'm doing drugs all the time. I should have been clearer - in the last year I have done illegal drugs a handful of times. I did a couple of lines of coke a few months ago. Then I did coke a few times and MDMA twice over the EDM festival weekend. That's it. I do take antidepressants but only tricyclics and lamictal. I had understood that only SSRIs/MAO's were a issue when taking MDMA.

I'm certainly not going to do any drugs for a couple of months. I've been sleeping constnatly since getting back from the US and had bad depression. The next couple of months is going to be all about exercise, healthy eating and looking after myself. But I'm sure I'll go to another festival again and it would be great to know I could roll without fear. I just don't know if it's going to be possible though.

 

[d1ahp]

A friend of mine begot panic attacks and depression after frequently using LSD.

I think it would be wise for you to abstain from LSD, mushrooms and Marijuana.

Stimulants like Cocaine can definitely give you an anxiety attack if it's something you're prone to. MDMA will generally feel amazing while you're rolling even if you have anxiety issues, but the next couple of days will be tough.

Doing MDMA on Friday and then doing Coke the next day definitely puts major strain on your brain. If anxiety is something that you struggle, doing what you did is basically asking for it.

Benzos are great for acute anxiety issues, but everyday use leads to rebound anxiety and dependance. The general consensus is that what ever anxiety you struggle with now, multiply it by 100 if you ever have to go through a Benzo withdrawal.

If you're doing MDMA, do it once every 2-3 months and don't do Coke the next day. Same thing for Cocaine, don't do MDMA right after it. Don't get strung out on Coke for days in a row and don't do it frequently.

For someone who has struggled with extreme anxiety issues. Opiates bring me great comfort, but when I'm out of opiates and I'm in the middle of a withdrawal, I curse the day I fell in love with them.

The best thing for someone with mental health issues is to abstain from illicit drugs altogether. Only drugs prescribed in therapeutic amounts, strictly following the directions given. Even then, for some it brings more harm than good in the long run.

If you're going to keep using drugs, try to follow some of general guidelines above. Others will chime in with more advice. However, in my opinion it's best that you avoid drug use altogether. Marijuana is praised by many, but it is rather detrimental for someone with anxiety issues.

 

[smackydowners]

A friend of mine begot panic attacks and depression after frequently using LSD.

I think it would be wise for you to abstain from LSD, mushrooms and Marijuana.

Stimulants like Cocaine can definitely give you an anxiety attack if it's something you're prone to. MDMA will generally feel amazing while you're rolling even if you have anxiety issues, but the next couple of days will be tough.

Doing MDMA on Friday and then doing Coke the next day definitely puts major strain on your brain. If anxiety is something that you struggle, doing what you did is basically asking for it.

Benzos are great for acute anxiety issues, but everyday use leads to rebound anxiety and dependance. The general consensus is that what ever anxiety you struggle with now, multiply it by 100 if you ever have to go through a Benzo withdrawal.

If you're doing MDMA, do it once every 2-3 months and don't do Coke the next day. Same thing for Cocaine, don't do MDMA right after it. Don't get strung out on Coke for days in a row and don't do it frequently.

For someone who has struggled with extreme anxiety issues. Opiates bring me great comfort, but when I'm out of opiates and I'm in the middle of a withdrawal, I curse the day I fell in love with them.

The best thing for someone with mental health issues is to abstain from illicit drugs altogether. Only drugs prescribed in therapeutic amounts, strictly following the directions given. Even then, for some it brings more harm than good in the long run.

If you're going to keep using drugs, try to follow some of general guidelines above. Others will chime in with more advice. However, in my opinion it's best that you avoid drug use altogether. Marijuana is praised by many, but it is rather detrimental for someone with anxiety issues.

^^this. but i certainly would not fuck with opiates cos they just fuck you back way harder in the long run. i know he isn't suggesting you do, but i'm just saying.
and yes, i meant ssri antidepressants are dodgy due to serotonin syndrome, sorry.
how much/often are you using xanax? if it's daily or close to daily, or even twice a week i'd seriously try to knock that on the head.
to answer your broader question - i really doubt you've ever been dying, but if it felt that way why repeat the process? maybe try some mdma in a few months and stay away from weed and lsd for a long time.
anyway, hope you can enjoy eventually, man.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

A friend of mine begot panic attacks and depression after frequently using LSD.

I think it would be wise for you to abstain from LSD, mushrooms and Marijuana.

Stimulants like Cocaine can definitely give you an anxiety attack if it's something you're prone to. MDMA will generally feel amazing while you're rolling even if you have anxiety issues, but the next couple of days will be tough.

Doing MDMA on Friday and then doing Coke the next day definitely puts major strain on your brain. If anxiety is something that you struggle, doing what you did is basically asking for it.

Benzos are great for acute anxiety issues, but everyday use leads to rebound anxiety and dependance. The general consensus is that what ever anxiety you struggle with now, multiply it by 100 if you ever have to go through a Benzo withdrawal.

If you're doing MDMA, do it once every 2-3 months and don't do Coke the next day. Same thing for Cocaine, don't do MDMA right after it. Don't get strung out on Coke for days in a row and don't do it frequently.

For someone who has struggled with extreme anxiety issues. Opiates bring me great comfort, but when I'm out of opiates and I'm in the middle of a withdrawal, I curse the day I fell in love with them.

The best thing for someone with mental health issues is to abstain from illicit drugs altogether. Only drugs prescribed in therapeutic amounts, strictly following the directions given. Even then, for some it brings more harm than good in the long run.

If you're going to keep using drugs, try to follow some of general guidelines above. Others will chime in with more advice. However, in my opinion it's best that you avoid drug use altogether. Marijuana is praised by many, but it is rather detrimental for someone with anxiety issues.

Thanks for the post and I totally agree, it's better for me and others with anxiety, depression, etc to abstain completely. Unfortunately I don't always do what I know I should. I think part of it is just because mental health disorders are so miserable that you sort of feel like you shouldn't have to miss out on what other people can do for fun too. But, yeah, drugs just make things worse. I'm definitely overall happier and healthier when living very clean but then after a few months of that boredom kicks in and I go looking for trouble again. I wonder if it will ever change.

Edit: Who am I kidding. I'm definitely going to do drugs again. But if something bad happens then I won't be able to whine to anybody, the damage will have been self inflicted. I've suffered for so long and so badly with mental health issues that I absolutely didn't deserve and I'm not going to deny myself some fun every once in a while, even though I know it's not good for me. It's stupid but I hope some people can relate to what I'm saying.

 

[d1ahp]

Thanks for the post and I totally agree, it's better for me and others with anxiety, depression, etc to abstain completely. Unfortunately I don't always do what I know I should. I think part of it is just because mental health disorders are so miserable that you sort of feel like you shouldn't have to miss out on what other people can do for fun too. But, yeah, drugs just make things worse. I'm definitely overall happier and healthier when living very clean but then after a few months of that boredom kicks in and I go looking for trouble again. I wonder if it will ever change.

I think it has the potential to change if that's your goal. But I completely understand where you're coming from, wanting to just feel fine.

If you want to keep doing drugs, I would space out the usage and not binge. I know that can be harder said than done. Binging on something like MDMA is very hard on your brain/body, especially if you throw Coke into the mix on top of it. Binging on Cocaine is hard on your brain/body as well, but in my personal experience it's less harmful than MDMA. However, these are not facts, just my opinions. As smackydowners pointed out, doing either of those drugs while taking an anti-depressant isn't a very good idea. It's a pretty bad idea, if you care about your safety at all. As I write this I'm getting reminded of the dreadful day that comes after a night of rolling, I'd be borderline suicidal 2-3 days after doing MDMA every time. Yet, in a week or two, I'm rolling again. I'm genuinely happy that I don't roll anymore.

I do hope that you completely cut out LSD/mushrooms from the list of drugs that you do. LSD use can have major mental issues as a consequence. Chances are, if you've never used LSD, you wouldn't struggle with anxiety today. Even though frequent use of psychedelics is known to bring about mental health issues, I'm still just purely speculating when it comes to your anxiety and the roots of it. Weed might seem harmless, but I believe it was a precursor to my anxiety issues. I used smoke ridiculous amounts of THC. Perhaps, people like you and I were predisposed for it, and substance (ab)use is what brought it out.

I realize that I completely missed your original question. I don't think you were actually dying, I think they were just major panic attacks as a result of substance abuse. I wouldn't take the panic attacks lightly. I definitely would try to avoid things that perpetuate the panic.

One of the ways that I became more able to control my panic attacks is by (1) acknowledging that I'm having a panic attack, (2) telling my self that I'm not going to run from it but face it while maintaining whatever it is that I'm doing at the moment, and (3) ride it out. Some of my panic attacks were too severe to apply those steps to at first, but as I kept practicing those steps I realized that with time I became much more resilient when it comes to just simply giving into the attack and freaking the fuck out.

Drugs, even the ones designed to help with anxiety, do not help your brain to adapt to the panic and override it. Following those steps does exactly that, eventually you condition your brain to disregard the anxiety. Some panic attacks I still give into in major ways and completely lose myself in them, these are far more infrequent these days. Most go by almost unnoticed because my brain has been conditioned to them. I realize that doing it that way might not be for everyone. I did find Klonopin and Lexapro to be instrumental in getting me to asses the situation and finding a way to fight what's going on. I used Klonopin for 3 months and Lexapro for 6.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

I think it has the potential to change if you that's your goal. But I completely understand where you're coming from, wanting to just feel fine.

If you want to keep doing drugs, I would space out the usage and not binge. I know that can be harder said than done. Binging on something like MDMA is very hard on your brain/body, especially if you throw Coke into the mix on top of it. Binging on Cocaine is hard on your brain/body as well, but in my personal experience it's less harmful than MDMA. However, these are not facts, just my opinions. As smackydowners pointed out, doing either of those drugs while taking an anti-depressant isn't a very good idea. It's a pretty bad idea, if you care about your safety at all. As I write this I'm getting reminded of the dreadful day that comes after a night of rolling, I'd be borderline suicidal 2-3 days after doing MDMA everytime. Yet, in a week or two, I'm rolling again. I'm genuinely happy that I don't roll anymore.

I do hope that you completely cut out LSD/mushrooms from the list of drugs that you do. LSD use can have major mental issues as a consequence. Chances are, if you've never used LSD, you wouldn't struggle with anxiety today. Even though frequent use of psychedelics is known to bring about mental health issues, I'm still just purely speculating when it comes to your anxiety. Weed might seem harmless, but I believe it was a precursor to my anxiety issues. I used smoke ridiculous amounts of THC. Perhaps, people like you and I were predisposed for it, and substance (ab)use is what brought it out.

I realize that I completely missed your original question. I don't think you were actually dying, I think they were just major panic attacks as a result of substance abuse. I wouldn't take the panic attacks lightly. I definitely would try to avoid things that perpetuate the panic.

One of the ways that I became more able to control my panic attacks is by (1) acknowledging that I'm having a panic attack, (2) telling my self that I'm not going to run from it but face it while maintaining whatever it is that I'm doing at the moment, and (3) riding it out. Some of my anxiety was too severe to apply those steps to at first, but as I kept practicing those steps I realized that with time I became much more resilient when it comes to just simply giving into the attack and freaking the fuck out.

Drugs, even the ones designed to help with anxiety, do not help your brain to adapt to the anxiety and override it. Following those steps does exactly that, eventually you condition your brain to disregard the anxiety. Some panic attacks I still give into in major ways and completely lose myself in them, these are far more infrequent these days. Most go by almost unnoticed because my brain has been conditioned to them.

Thank you for this very helpful post D1ahp.

During the worst period of panic attacks, I took 2 months off college and the only time I left my house was to go to the ER. I should stress that during this time I was using NO drugs, no alcohol, not smoking cigarettes or even drinking caffeine. I eventually managed to get over the panic attacks following the steps you outlined. I can cope with anxiety attacks now because I know I'm not going to die, panic attacks can't kill. The panic attack I had on Saturday was a bit different because I HAD been using coke, so in my mind I thought maybe I was in danger. I think you're right though, it was just anxiety. I'm pretty sure that if someone is genuinely dying, overwhelming fear is probably not even the main symptom, it's probably pain or nausea or something else. Fear = panic, by definition i think.

I would never touch LSD or marijuana again. I always wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't had that terrible acid experience. I don't think i would have suffered from panic attacks. I think maybe I still would have developed depression but maybe not. There is no doubt that that drug experience has had the single biggest impact on my life of any event. I could say it ruined my life but maybe it stopped me going down an even darker path, i don't know.

The depression post EDM festival has been overwhelming. But weirdly I think I cope with it better than people who don't suffer depression in their day to day life just because I've had so much experience in dealing with depression that it's almost 'normal' for me to feel suicidal. I've been there hundreds of times before and know it will go away. I can imagine for someone who has never suffered depression, after rolling for the first time they would be completely freaked out by what they were experiencing (like I was during my first, completely non drug related, depressive bout). I suppose that's one of the very few 'advantages' of suffering so much from anxiety, depression, etc. I'm so used to them that when they do come I can handle them better than most people. The panic attack after the cocaine use was a bit of an exception simply because it's the first panic attack I've experienced in over a decade which followed drug use and therefore, for all I knew at the time, maybe I was in danger.

As weird as this sounds I want to conquer fear of death to the point where, whether I feel like my heart is going to stop or the plane I'm on is going to crash, I can just lie back and accept it. I think the fear felt in panic attacks can, bizarrely, exceed the fear of the worst that can happen, i.e. the fear is worse than the fear of death, even though death is the absolute worst thing that can happen.

 

[d1ahp]

It's awesome to hear that I'm not the only one to use that technique. I can relate with a lot of what you're saying. When I first started having panic attacks, I didn't understand that they were just panic attacks and I genuinely thought I was going crazy.

The issue for someone who is already depressed can be that once you come down from rolling, you can descend far below your regular depressed base line. There's another forum section dedicated to MDMA and such. They have excellent guides for the precautions and safety tricks that you want to know and follow if rolling is something you enjoy and want to keep enjoying.

Mental health issues definitely throw a wrench into casual drug use. I'm honestly striving to soon be completely free of all mind altering substances regardless of whether I feel good or bad. I want to find my natural baseline and develop from there.

EDIT: I've never given it much thought, but I've been abusing drugs and alcohol since I was 14. Now that I'm married and have some of the more 'straight edge' type of friends I notice that in some ways I didn't develop as well as they did when it comes to dealing with issues of life.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

It's awesome to hear that I'm not the only one to use that technique. I can relate with a lot of what you're saying. When I first started having panic attacks, I didn't understand that they were just panic attacks and I genuinely thought I was going crazy.

The issue for someone who is already depressed can be that once you come down from rolling, you can descend far below your regular depressed base line. There's another forum section dedicated to MDMA and such. They have excellent guides for the precautions and safety tricks that you want to know and follow if rolling is something you enjoy and want to keep enjoying.

Mental health issues definitely throw a wrench into casual drug use. I'm honestly striving to soon be completely free of all mind altering substances regardless of whether I feel good or bad. I want to find my natural baseline and develop from there.

EDIT: I've never given it much thought, but I've been abusing drugs and alcohol since I was 14. Now that I'm married and have some of the more 'straight edge' type of friends I notice that in some ways I didn't develop as well as they did when it comes to dealing with issues of life.

I can relate to your last paragraph but I don't know if drug use is a cause or an effect (meaning an effect of our personality types - that we're maybe less well adjusted than our straight edge friends in the first place, and so self medicate with drugs).

If I do roll again (and I probably will) it won't be for a good while. I'd probably only ever do it at festivals which I don't plan on attending many of. I just like to know it's something I can choose to do in the future if I want to, something to look forward to beyond the mundane.

I will definitely check out the forum for safety tricks. Rolling definitely did pull me way below my normal depressed baseline (although I'm not 100% sure how much is attributable to the MDMA and how much to the coke). Mental health issues really are a curse. Even if I live 100% clean, exercise regularly, etc I'll never be free of them.

 

[JahSEEuS]

also, were you taking the coke/mdma whilst on antidepressants? this is really dodgy and could be what knocked you sideways

^^ This. I don't know what anti-depressant you're taking but I believe it's generally a good rule to be off of them for some time before ingesting MDMA.