Stringer_Bell
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2015
- Messages
- 196
Hi all,
Sorry for the long post. If you don't feel inclined to read all of it, you can just skip down to 'Question' below. The rest is just background.
In a nutshell and if you don't want to read the long post - I enjoy taking drugs a lot but sometimes I get terrible anxiety/fear when taking them, following a really bad experience with LSD many years ago. I'm trying to decide whether I'm better off trying to conquer the fear of drugs or just quit using them altogether. The main symptom I get is overwhelming fear that I'm going to die. It only happens occasionally but is still terrifying. However, thinking about it rationally, I'm pretty sure it's just anxiety, I don't think I am actually about to die given that the only symptom is tremendous fear, not any physical symptoms like chest pain, etc.
MANY YEARS AGO
- I'm in my thirties now. Between the ages of 16-18 I used LSD a LOT (probably weekly - stupid I know) and smoked marijuana pretty regularly.
- I had a terrible LSD experience the penultimate time I used it at age 18. Had a trip as normal then smoked weed to come down and sleep. I got some hellish bodily reaction and, I'm convinced, almost died. Ended up in A&E. At one point I KNEW I was about to die. The whole world went black, by this time I had woken my parents and the last thought I had was knowing the grief I would be causing them by dying. At that point all the fear went and all I felt was sorrow. But, I woke up. The next day I was totally fine.
- Unbelievably I took LSD again two weeks later. I had put the terrible reaction down to the combination of LSD + pot. However, bizarrely, I got the SAME reaction just taking LSD as I had two weeks prior. It was much less intense though. Still scary but nowhere near as scary as two weeks before. However, my life changed from this point. Starting the following day, I began experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, which I had never suffered from before. They have continued up to this day, although I have learned to cope with them over the years.
- After that final horrible LSD experience I didn't just quit using illicit drugs, I refused to touch ANY drug, including alcohol. My fear of drugs was so intense that during one stay in hospital for an emergency operation, I refused morphine even though I had basically been sliced open. I chose awful pain over being administered a strong opiate.
LAST FEW YEARS
- However, in the last few years, my fear of drugs diminished, out of necessity. I had to take anti-depressants becaus the depression got too bad to cope without them, I had to start taking benzos sometimes to quell the terrible anxiety, I ended up taking a mild stimulant (Cylert - in Japan) to get through the work days.
- As the fear subsided, I started to 'enjoy' drugs again. Only prescription drugs (mostly dexamfetamine and xanax) up until a few months ago, when I did a couple of lines of coke. For somebody who at one point was scared to take caffeine or alcohol, this was actually remarkable 'progress'.
PRESENT
- I've just come back from a major EDM festival in the US. Over the weekend I took MDMA (tested with Dancesafe's four reagent test kit) a couple of times and did a lot of cocaine on Saturday. Apart from the experience I detail below, I had a blast. I thought I had fallen in love after doing my first line of coke. But then fell out of love very quickly when the comedown hit hard just 20 mins later and the following lines I did were nowhere near as good. I kind of screwed up my first time MDMA experience by taking a 'test' dose of 40mg on Thursday night (to see if I would have a bad reaction). The test dose did very little. I took a proper dose of around 150mg in total the next day at the concert. It was quite a mellow experience, I think because the 'test' dose of 40 mg taken the day before had drained some of my serotonin without actually giving me much of a high. It was enjoyable but not powerful.
- On Saturday I did coke througout the day, but not that much, maybe 0.5g. A few hours after taking my last line of cocaine, driving on the way to the concert I had a MAJOR anxiety attack. The main symptom was an overwhelming certainty that my heart was about to stop beating. We were stuck in traffic and giving a ride to a couple of relative strangers. I also was carrying MDMA. If I could have gotten to the Emergency Room, I would have gone immediately. After about 30 mins it passed, just leaving me very shaken up. I took some Xanax, then we went into the festival and I was fine.
QUESTION
- Was the extreme anxiety I experienced all in my head? Or is it possible that I really was close to dying? I couldn't have been close to an actual overdose, I hadn't taken that much coke and I snorted the last line about 2 hours prior to the panic attack. If the coke was going to kill me I doubt it would do so hours after taking it.
- I really enjoy taking drugs occasionally. Obviously I hate the dreadful anxiety I sometimes get. I think my only real choices are to get over all the fear I have of drugs and take them without worrying or stop taking them altogether. There doesn't seem to be much point taking them if every time I do, I worry that I'm going to die. What would you do in these circumstances? Would you quit using drugs altogether or get over the fear of them somehow? I think I just want somebody to tell me that all the anxiety is in my head, I wasn't actually in any physical danger. I think if I really was dying the symptoms would be more physical (e.g. chest pain) and not just overwhelming fear.
- Rolling at the EDM festival was great (although less intense than it could have been had I rolled 'right'). It's something I want to do again, every few months. I'd hate to not be able to do it. I didn't get any bad experience with MDMA (except for anxiety on the come-up only because I was taking a drug I hadn't experienced before), only with the coke. Do you think I'm ok to roll again? I think I should take a proper MDMA dose at home, in a 'safe' environment, in a couple of months time. Taking it for the first time at a crazy, huge EDM festival was bound to be a bit scary.
Would be very grateful for any thoughts, particularly from those who have experienced anything vaguely similar. Thanks in advance.
Sorry for the long post. If you don't feel inclined to read all of it, you can just skip down to 'Question' below. The rest is just background.
In a nutshell and if you don't want to read the long post - I enjoy taking drugs a lot but sometimes I get terrible anxiety/fear when taking them, following a really bad experience with LSD many years ago. I'm trying to decide whether I'm better off trying to conquer the fear of drugs or just quit using them altogether. The main symptom I get is overwhelming fear that I'm going to die. It only happens occasionally but is still terrifying. However, thinking about it rationally, I'm pretty sure it's just anxiety, I don't think I am actually about to die given that the only symptom is tremendous fear, not any physical symptoms like chest pain, etc.
MANY YEARS AGO
- I'm in my thirties now. Between the ages of 16-18 I used LSD a LOT (probably weekly - stupid I know) and smoked marijuana pretty regularly.
- I had a terrible LSD experience the penultimate time I used it at age 18. Had a trip as normal then smoked weed to come down and sleep. I got some hellish bodily reaction and, I'm convinced, almost died. Ended up in A&E. At one point I KNEW I was about to die. The whole world went black, by this time I had woken my parents and the last thought I had was knowing the grief I would be causing them by dying. At that point all the fear went and all I felt was sorrow. But, I woke up. The next day I was totally fine.
- Unbelievably I took LSD again two weeks later. I had put the terrible reaction down to the combination of LSD + pot. However, bizarrely, I got the SAME reaction just taking LSD as I had two weeks prior. It was much less intense though. Still scary but nowhere near as scary as two weeks before. However, my life changed from this point. Starting the following day, I began experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, which I had never suffered from before. They have continued up to this day, although I have learned to cope with them over the years.
- After that final horrible LSD experience I didn't just quit using illicit drugs, I refused to touch ANY drug, including alcohol. My fear of drugs was so intense that during one stay in hospital for an emergency operation, I refused morphine even though I had basically been sliced open. I chose awful pain over being administered a strong opiate.
LAST FEW YEARS
- However, in the last few years, my fear of drugs diminished, out of necessity. I had to take anti-depressants becaus the depression got too bad to cope without them, I had to start taking benzos sometimes to quell the terrible anxiety, I ended up taking a mild stimulant (Cylert - in Japan) to get through the work days.
- As the fear subsided, I started to 'enjoy' drugs again. Only prescription drugs (mostly dexamfetamine and xanax) up until a few months ago, when I did a couple of lines of coke. For somebody who at one point was scared to take caffeine or alcohol, this was actually remarkable 'progress'.
PRESENT
- I've just come back from a major EDM festival in the US. Over the weekend I took MDMA (tested with Dancesafe's four reagent test kit) a couple of times and did a lot of cocaine on Saturday. Apart from the experience I detail below, I had a blast. I thought I had fallen in love after doing my first line of coke. But then fell out of love very quickly when the comedown hit hard just 20 mins later and the following lines I did were nowhere near as good. I kind of screwed up my first time MDMA experience by taking a 'test' dose of 40mg on Thursday night (to see if I would have a bad reaction). The test dose did very little. I took a proper dose of around 150mg in total the next day at the concert. It was quite a mellow experience, I think because the 'test' dose of 40 mg taken the day before had drained some of my serotonin without actually giving me much of a high. It was enjoyable but not powerful.
- On Saturday I did coke througout the day, but not that much, maybe 0.5g. A few hours after taking my last line of cocaine, driving on the way to the concert I had a MAJOR anxiety attack. The main symptom was an overwhelming certainty that my heart was about to stop beating. We were stuck in traffic and giving a ride to a couple of relative strangers. I also was carrying MDMA. If I could have gotten to the Emergency Room, I would have gone immediately. After about 30 mins it passed, just leaving me very shaken up. I took some Xanax, then we went into the festival and I was fine.
QUESTION
- Was the extreme anxiety I experienced all in my head? Or is it possible that I really was close to dying? I couldn't have been close to an actual overdose, I hadn't taken that much coke and I snorted the last line about 2 hours prior to the panic attack. If the coke was going to kill me I doubt it would do so hours after taking it.
- I really enjoy taking drugs occasionally. Obviously I hate the dreadful anxiety I sometimes get. I think my only real choices are to get over all the fear I have of drugs and take them without worrying or stop taking them altogether. There doesn't seem to be much point taking them if every time I do, I worry that I'm going to die. What would you do in these circumstances? Would you quit using drugs altogether or get over the fear of them somehow? I think I just want somebody to tell me that all the anxiety is in my head, I wasn't actually in any physical danger. I think if I really was dying the symptoms would be more physical (e.g. chest pain) and not just overwhelming fear.
- Rolling at the EDM festival was great (although less intense than it could have been had I rolled 'right'). It's something I want to do again, every few months. I'd hate to not be able to do it. I didn't get any bad experience with MDMA (except for anxiety on the come-up only because I was taking a drug I hadn't experienced before), only with the coke. Do you think I'm ok to roll again? I think I should take a proper MDMA dose at home, in a 'safe' environment, in a couple of months time. Taking it for the first time at a crazy, huge EDM festival was bound to be a bit scary.
Would be very grateful for any thoughts, particularly from those who have experienced anything vaguely similar. Thanks in advance.