Hi Sasha, I am doing very well. I am an addict in my prime, it really doesn't get better than this for an addict. I have a good month supply of dope, so my mind isn't on my next fix whatsoever. I get extremely consistent quality since I don't just grab teeny little bags from different people and haven't overdosed in 5 years, I am not out buying little bags of the stuff, and don't iv so I'm not worried about that as much. I have it good as a doper.
Presently, I am focussed on getting a job. Dope fiend in my prime. This morning I have to write some cover letters. I've been having brief conversations for 2 weeks with this girl at the health food store who is a graduate with a similar education, I couldn't really have a bigger crush on her, I know she's interested in me now but then what? Now the hard part. I am so clueless with that shit lol. I got a ticket to see my favourite band play in two weeks and visit some old engineering buddies. My physique is just great, I've been doing yoga a couple hours a day and honing my guitar skills. So, I've lost weight in the bad places and gained weight in the good places. I used to be really into working out so it sucks having this back pain and how my physique drastically improves when I use H. Really, everything in my life is perfect. My biggest problem to solve right now is I want to have a job going on by the time I run low from this nice lil slab of damn pure raw runs out so that I can keep it going and keep being happy like this. My BPD is treated by heroin. I hate doctors. I refuse to have them touch my body anymore, all they do is fuck it up worse than I do. They just don't give a fuck. I get pain meds that are so weak it is an insult for someone like me after years of treatment, I'm not going to support those "professionals" by buying street pills at insane prices which also come from them...
Thanks for the suggestions, I hadn't thought of them all. At the moment I am reading that thinking... what is wrong? But I know what's wrong, I am just at the highest of highs which won't last forever. It's really nice to see that you care. I can't have an open relationship with my doctor - nobody can around here - because everyone is walking on eggshells due to this crisis of opiates. It really upsets me I can't just tell my doctor I need a little more but he knows that I do. He told me I would get a tolerance and we'd raise the dose but that was before everything in the news about fentanyl hit. I'm on benzos for panic attacks but a low dose. I am definitely checking out kratom next time I'm sick. Absolute, but I need a good source because I think there was sand in mine... it made me really nauseated. Is that common with kratom? I have a sensitive stomach.
Today I'm really just focussed on getting some cover letters out to get my career going again, and maybe running into that beautiful super cute girl again it is not just her looks though I can't stop thinking about her. She is special for sure, both inside and out. I don't really see how things could get better, I'd like a career job and a girlfriend though : p ... so I have to be hard at work.
I can't' function without heroin and it's been that way for several years now so I just do the dope and get on with life. I hope you are not too sick today, that sucks you consistently run out early, but it's also probably good that your tolerance is kept in check. You're right though I have lots of positive memories from my vacation and I'm glad that I went. I hope you don't have too bad a week with withdrawal, and keep on the kratom if you do I think that really helps? I think that probably helps a lot because it is a mu opioid receptor agonist, just a weak one. Try to eat healthy and keep hydrated if you can because your body probably needs that right now, especially a good amount of protein. If I were you, I'd eat a lot of veggies, like carrots and celery and stuff, and fruits as well like pineapple if you can. It seems like you have the meds down and if you drink like double the amount of water you're used to and have lots of healthy stuff I bet you'll be feeling great. If you are not already doing that healthy living stuff, I mean if you can go to work you must have it together pretty well. Better than me. And it is good that you're able to sleep. So yeah... I feel wonderful for all the wrong reasons. haha yeah my wallet is very, very, extremely unhappy with me but I was sick of perpetually worrying about running out, hustling all that bullshit I just said fuck it I'm not worrying about this for a little while so that I can actually focus on my life. And here I am making so much progress, at least temporarily, while I have my fix.
I hope I run into her again today... sorry for bring this up (she's really that cute to me, and she is more than just that) - I don't know, weird how I can be so normal with this drug and such a wreck without. Hope you have a good one, thanks for caring about my well being. I really appreciate it because not many people care or even know. I think that, things will work out for me. So, I better start writing cover letters because when this runs out I am going to want more more more... and I'm functioning at my highest level too. I guess you can probably tell I am temporarily feeling better, trying to avoid that horrible down which breaks my spirit to the point I want to die. You'd never know it. Nobody would ever really guess with me, but I'm not kidding myself. It's a tough secret to keep hidden at this point. If I land another job in my field, I will absolutely be able to afford it so that's good at least, and for the meantime I'm just set. I'm trying to sniff 80mg a day, in four 20mg doses spread out 6 hours apart like any other medication. I just honestly can't get the painkillers that make my back pain go away because of what the stupid fucking media is doing when some teenager that was never educated about opiates in school goes and takes a couple 80's or starts off with fucking fentanyl and overdoses. Why not implement education and harm reduction programs about how dangerous this shit is into school that actually teach you, if you do this and take this dose, you will likely die - and that it isn't cool, it's for those suffering from inflictions like terminal cancer and chronic physical agony. Instead of drugs are bad... mmmmkay. I just think that it's my right to have a couple oxy 40's a day, extended release, the good old formula, with some 20mg ir oxy maybe 2 or 3 of those a day and I'd be set. I wouldn't be doing this. I get enough meds in one day, for a single dose that will relieve my pain, and they are so tamper-proofed, that I cannot take that dose without harming my liver, so I don't. And what's the big deal about wanting to be happy? It's not like I solely want drugs for the rest of my life and just zombie out on them and drop out of society, I still have goals and ambition or I wouldn't be happy.
Also, Sasha, if you'd like please PM me and I'll link you to my youtube channel. It's all about supplements and things you can take to mitigate oxycodone withdrawal symptoms. I'm sure you'd learn a thing or two. The first few videos are just of me so sick I can't really do anything but vent, but the last few my soul is shining recently clean and I am talking about various benzos, weed strains, vitamins, supplements (I am big on these), hydration, sleep, energy... just anything and everything to feel better while in acute withdrawal. So if you'd like, I can send you the link to those videos which I think might help. My problem is not getting through acute withdrawal. It's dealing with the proceeding extreme back pain and accompanying mental health issues like BPD which I think is related. I couldn't regulate my pain and then I started to become unable to regulate my emotions so well. Just trying to help even if I can't help myself so much : )
Thanks for caring! I know things aren't right, but at least I'm happy today.
