R
Restless Girl
Guest
Sorry if this is TMI, but I think it could help if I gave some background on me, and I really need some help trying to figure out what is going on.
I'm 24, female, 130 pounds, 5'7 and in pretty good shape, but I have ADD (apparently inattentive, not hyperactive but I wasn't diagnosed until college. I also have also had excoriation (skin picking) tendencies since I was very young. My ADD manifests itself in me being very sensation seeking. I am an extreme neophile, loving to try new things (like food), learning new things, and being unable to do a repetitive job. I had a huge sweet-tooth and a used to masturbate almost compulsively. I've always wanted to be normal because I think that would make me happier and better able to deal with my responsibilities, but I've also been pulled aside and called brilliantly creative by professors and teachers. I might have some borderline personality disorder and perhaps autistic tendencies. I was a child on the edge of having conduct disorder. In short though, I want to make it very clear that I am not someone trying to make the claim that I am "special" and trying to seek validation for that, more like I'm a girl who has always been unpleasantly on the edge of crazy because I almost certainly do have some kind of non-typical brain chemistry or wiring--but I don't know exactly what that is. I have struggled with fairly extreme depression in the past, but in the last couple of years after completing grad school, making a strong group of friends, and dabbling in meditation, I finally felt I was fully happy.
Before taking MDMA, I'd get buzzed after 1 beer, and practically drunk off of two beers, but at that point I'd typically find a bed and fall asleep if I'm not out in public. I was smoking a little weed almost every day for a few months since it became legal in California, just a couple of hits would be enough for me, and I think I had a normal enough reaction, though I guess I was a light-weight, and I think my tolerance was slowly building. I'd also been taking Adderall on and off again for the last couple of years, trying to keep my dose low and my tolerance low to avoid addiction and because I had some minor, but bad side-effects like nausea and increased carpal tunnel, and because frankly I don't think I could enjoy Adderall as a party drug whatsoever, and I only ever took it out of necessity. I've also done shrooms once, and after i got over the initial anxiety it gave me, I feel it was a mind-opening experience--though I felt nauseated the whole time and hung over as hell the next morning and none of my friends who did it with me may have felt such a strong reaction. I've also done acid, and I think my entire reaction to that was normal.
Now to my actual MDMA experience, my first (and definitely last experience) two months ago now. It sucked.
I had a quarter of an Adderall pill much earlier in the day, I had a beer, and I smoked a bit of weed. I was with my friends (male) and a girl who really annoys me, so I think maybe her presence contributed to my bad trip. I took a third of a Tesla pill (http://mixmag.net/read/warning-orange-tesla-pills-contain-very-high-mdma-content-news) and the first feeling I had was my ears getting warm. Everyone else was getting happy, but I just had hot ears. After a while, (maybe an hour, I don't remember clearly anymore) I felt mildly good, but it seemed to be that everyone else was doing a lot better, and the mild good feeling I felt quickly went away, so I took another third of a pill. I may have ended up taking another third of the pill later, so one whole pill. I was feeling cold then, though everyone assured me that the temperature was fine. All at once I felt hot and cold in waves with different parts of my body were hot and cold, and my heart was racing, and I had a vague hallucination or something for a second. I told my friends I needed to go to the hospital, and they got me to puke my guts out in the sink. Throwing up felt wonderful, because I had felt this weird sick to my stomach sticky seretonin feeling that it difficult to describe. Even after puking I asked to go to the hospital but my friends calmed me down and told me it was going to be alright, I just needed to go for a walk. I bundled up to the nines because I was cold again (after feeling too hot) and went on a walk with my friend. Finally, I felt some of the euphoria/love they say comes with MDMA, and my friend and I had a nice talk. We went back home, and I crashed.
The next day I felt hung-over as hell, but nothing terrible. I was happy. I still felt pretty loving actually. The day after that I felt fine enough and I took a quarter-dose of adderall. I still felt some flash-backs of the loving, but the next day I started to feel bad. I smoked and I got unbelievably paranoid and I was worried I was getting OCD. Then the next couple weeks when I had a big meal I'd get that sticky serotonin feeling in my stomach like a flashback to throwing up on MDMA and I'd want to throw up again, so I was worried I was losing my mind. I'd get weird shivers at night, heat-flashes, cold flashes, trembling, confusion, agitation, and insane nightmares to name a few of my symptoms. There were times I thought I needed to go to the emergency room. I had no appetite. Finally I went to the doctor two weeks later, told her what happened, and she ran some tests on me saying that physically, at least, I was fine. I didn't want to try and diagnose myself at that point because I have hypochondriac tendencies and I worried I give myself more symptoms just by knowing what was wrong, but the next week I went back and told her it might be serotonin syndrome and she agreed. She gave me xanax, as I asked for for my anxiety, and she said that I was basically going through something like withdrawal. She also told me to stop taking Adderall.
But now it has been 2 months. Could I possibly have 2 months of withdrawal? I think my symptoms are slowly getting better, but at this point it is hard to tell. I feel like a changed person half the time. I'm still restless, I have trouble sleeping, I have feel trembly sometimes, I have no appetite, no sweet tooth, no real desire to pick my skin anymore (not that I want this again! But it used to make me feel very good, now I suspect it hurts like it is supposed to), no real sex-drive, and less focus than before, circular OCD-like thoughts, with symptoms getting worse at night. I have had like two hours where i felt irrationally depressed in the past couple months, but generally I have not been remotely depressed--which I guess is the normal side-effect to MDMA, but my agitation/anxiety is in some ways more distressing than depression. What could be going on with me? Should I take serotonin enhancing supplements try to deplete my seretonin levels? When I drink now I get trembly, and when I smoke I get paranoid--I've been a sober-Sally. I have been taking multivitamins and doing Yoga.
TLDR:
Basically, I took MDMA two months ago, had a bad trip, and now I think my remaining symptoms still seem reminiscent of too much serotonin than too little (agitation, lack of an appetite), but everything I have read says that my serotonin should be depleted by now and I should be tired and depressed if anything, which I most certainly am not. How could this be?
I'm 24, female, 130 pounds, 5'7 and in pretty good shape, but I have ADD (apparently inattentive, not hyperactive but I wasn't diagnosed until college. I also have also had excoriation (skin picking) tendencies since I was very young. My ADD manifests itself in me being very sensation seeking. I am an extreme neophile, loving to try new things (like food), learning new things, and being unable to do a repetitive job. I had a huge sweet-tooth and a used to masturbate almost compulsively. I've always wanted to be normal because I think that would make me happier and better able to deal with my responsibilities, but I've also been pulled aside and called brilliantly creative by professors and teachers. I might have some borderline personality disorder and perhaps autistic tendencies. I was a child on the edge of having conduct disorder. In short though, I want to make it very clear that I am not someone trying to make the claim that I am "special" and trying to seek validation for that, more like I'm a girl who has always been unpleasantly on the edge of crazy because I almost certainly do have some kind of non-typical brain chemistry or wiring--but I don't know exactly what that is. I have struggled with fairly extreme depression in the past, but in the last couple of years after completing grad school, making a strong group of friends, and dabbling in meditation, I finally felt I was fully happy.
Before taking MDMA, I'd get buzzed after 1 beer, and practically drunk off of two beers, but at that point I'd typically find a bed and fall asleep if I'm not out in public. I was smoking a little weed almost every day for a few months since it became legal in California, just a couple of hits would be enough for me, and I think I had a normal enough reaction, though I guess I was a light-weight, and I think my tolerance was slowly building. I'd also been taking Adderall on and off again for the last couple of years, trying to keep my dose low and my tolerance low to avoid addiction and because I had some minor, but bad side-effects like nausea and increased carpal tunnel, and because frankly I don't think I could enjoy Adderall as a party drug whatsoever, and I only ever took it out of necessity. I've also done shrooms once, and after i got over the initial anxiety it gave me, I feel it was a mind-opening experience--though I felt nauseated the whole time and hung over as hell the next morning and none of my friends who did it with me may have felt such a strong reaction. I've also done acid, and I think my entire reaction to that was normal.
Now to my actual MDMA experience, my first (and definitely last experience) two months ago now. It sucked.
I had a quarter of an Adderall pill much earlier in the day, I had a beer, and I smoked a bit of weed. I was with my friends (male) and a girl who really annoys me, so I think maybe her presence contributed to my bad trip. I took a third of a Tesla pill (http://mixmag.net/read/warning-orange-tesla-pills-contain-very-high-mdma-content-news) and the first feeling I had was my ears getting warm. Everyone else was getting happy, but I just had hot ears. After a while, (maybe an hour, I don't remember clearly anymore) I felt mildly good, but it seemed to be that everyone else was doing a lot better, and the mild good feeling I felt quickly went away, so I took another third of a pill. I may have ended up taking another third of the pill later, so one whole pill. I was feeling cold then, though everyone assured me that the temperature was fine. All at once I felt hot and cold in waves with different parts of my body were hot and cold, and my heart was racing, and I had a vague hallucination or something for a second. I told my friends I needed to go to the hospital, and they got me to puke my guts out in the sink. Throwing up felt wonderful, because I had felt this weird sick to my stomach sticky seretonin feeling that it difficult to describe. Even after puking I asked to go to the hospital but my friends calmed me down and told me it was going to be alright, I just needed to go for a walk. I bundled up to the nines because I was cold again (after feeling too hot) and went on a walk with my friend. Finally, I felt some of the euphoria/love they say comes with MDMA, and my friend and I had a nice talk. We went back home, and I crashed.
The next day I felt hung-over as hell, but nothing terrible. I was happy. I still felt pretty loving actually. The day after that I felt fine enough and I took a quarter-dose of adderall. I still felt some flash-backs of the loving, but the next day I started to feel bad. I smoked and I got unbelievably paranoid and I was worried I was getting OCD. Then the next couple weeks when I had a big meal I'd get that sticky serotonin feeling in my stomach like a flashback to throwing up on MDMA and I'd want to throw up again, so I was worried I was losing my mind. I'd get weird shivers at night, heat-flashes, cold flashes, trembling, confusion, agitation, and insane nightmares to name a few of my symptoms. There were times I thought I needed to go to the emergency room. I had no appetite. Finally I went to the doctor two weeks later, told her what happened, and she ran some tests on me saying that physically, at least, I was fine. I didn't want to try and diagnose myself at that point because I have hypochondriac tendencies and I worried I give myself more symptoms just by knowing what was wrong, but the next week I went back and told her it might be serotonin syndrome and she agreed. She gave me xanax, as I asked for for my anxiety, and she said that I was basically going through something like withdrawal. She also told me to stop taking Adderall.
But now it has been 2 months. Could I possibly have 2 months of withdrawal? I think my symptoms are slowly getting better, but at this point it is hard to tell. I feel like a changed person half the time. I'm still restless, I have trouble sleeping, I have feel trembly sometimes, I have no appetite, no sweet tooth, no real desire to pick my skin anymore (not that I want this again! But it used to make me feel very good, now I suspect it hurts like it is supposed to), no real sex-drive, and less focus than before, circular OCD-like thoughts, with symptoms getting worse at night. I have had like two hours where i felt irrationally depressed in the past couple months, but generally I have not been remotely depressed--which I guess is the normal side-effect to MDMA, but my agitation/anxiety is in some ways more distressing than depression. What could be going on with me? Should I take serotonin enhancing supplements try to deplete my seretonin levels? When I drink now I get trembly, and when I smoke I get paranoid--I've been a sober-Sally. I have been taking multivitamins and doing Yoga.
TLDR:
Basically, I took MDMA two months ago, had a bad trip, and now I think my remaining symptoms still seem reminiscent of too much serotonin than too little (agitation, lack of an appetite), but everything I have read says that my serotonin should be depleted by now and I should be tired and depressed if anything, which I most certainly am not. How could this be?
