Scared Opiates give me vivid, night ruining, life changing night terrors. Why is this happening?

[OpiateKiller]

Lately I have been opening up more and more to this forum. A lot of people on here can relate to my struggles and it's nice to not be judged and to be understood. I try not to unload too much negativity, I try and give good helpful feedback and be nice to others. I don't like constantly talking of dark things, or promoting my problems. I believe this is a big reason AA type programs never really worked for me and I relapsed. I find it incredibly difficult to unload negative and self defeating thoughts to others. I feel a burden by creating negativity and most of the time I just tell people I'm good. Just a little side note / intro.

For some reason the last few years as I have been more frequently a daily dependent on Opiates, I have been randomly getting these absolute, vivid, horrific nightmares. Not like a typical, oh that was scary, you laugh and roll back over and go to sleep.

These nightmares are different. I wake up visibly shaken, I'm sweating, I have to turn the lights on, I'm in a full blown panic. They are so vivid and disturbing that it shakes me deep to my soul and usually remain awake for tat least 2 hours after they happen as I try and calm myself down.

I can first remember them happening when I was heavily addicted to a pure fentanyl addiction. This was about 3 years ago,. I came to chalk it up as my subconscious mind was telling me basically that I am near death, and it was warning me of it's fear for my life through these terrible dreams.

It's almost like opiates give me a guilty conscience, and part of me is living in fear for my life. The awake part is not, I don't really fear death. I have been through a lot of pain and while I have a desire to live and succeed and turn my life around, I do not fear it. The only reason I would fear my death is if there is a judgmental afterlife, which I feel I have not lived a life of enough service to others that I would go to hell for some of the things I have done to be honest. I don't really believe in religion, but I do believe in God.

I really wish I could break free from these or figure out why they are happening.

Tonight I just awoke to a very complicated night terror. Ultimately the TD;LR of this complex night terror was there was other people in my home and it was a messed up horror. I ended up almost killing someone for creeping on my sister. I found him in her room at night and I seriously hurt him, but it got more complex. I reached in his pocket and he had things of mine that were dangerous for my freedom. The police were on there way and he was smiling at me saying my days were numbered. There was more to it but I ended up getting arrested in the dream. I can't explain the rest honestly.

I do believe I have PTSD and wonder if this is part of these nightmares. I also wonder if recent benzo abuse has spiked my anxiety levels. I was using large quantities over the winter but haven't had any in about 2-3 weeks.

This year has been specifically challenging for me. This last relapse has been very hard on me. I used my excuse of being on suboxone to go on a horrible run this winter including stupid amounts of research chemicals, benzos, MDMA, heroin, cocaine and meth. I really tore myself up in recent months.

I am getting back to baseline and stabilizing on suboxone under I can switch to methadone. I just hate the fact I am living in fear in my mind. I can't explain why but it seems like I'm running away from myself - but obviously I can't succeed.

I don't know if I can quit suboxone again. The lethargy and the withdrawals are so long lasting I fear I can't make it with my mental weaknesses right now. I just want to go back and change the choices I've made but I can't.

I hope my life turns for the better soon. Between losing my job, the quarantine and self inflicted drug damage I really have had one of the worst years of my life. Just 3 months ago I had started a fresh success cycle. I ended up lying to a girl I had just met and been dating for a month, as I started texting my Ex again (the one I'm with now). I didn't really show emotion losing her, but I think by lying to her and losing her it really crushed my spirit. I didn't feel bad about it but I think deep down I was falling in love with her and sabotaged the relationship out of fear. Out of disappointing a girl I really had no business being with. A perfect soul, an angel. For the first month I gave her a glimpse of a real romance. I treated her the best I possibly could. I drove to her college to do her homework when she struggled, I bought her gifts, did everything I could to make her smile. Took her out to dinner, went to the mall with her. I always called and texted her motivation and positive things. She told me a few days before my ex texted me that she had never had a guy treat her like this in any of her relationships and she didn't know how to respond. I took pride in that I could be a great person and a compatible lover for someone. There rock. And then I destroyed everything we had going for us.

don't know why I typed all that and a lot of it is random information. Just wanted to vent and clear my mind before I try and go back to bed. A few times I have had a reoccurring nightmare the whole night, a specific nightmare carrying on 3 separate times I fell asleep. It was awful.

Hoping things look up. Ready for some changes and happiness to come back to me. I haven't been this sad or unmotivated for this long ever before in my life and it's a scary feeling.

Love all my BL family though and hope everyone is living life with happiness and love right now.

 

[thefirm]

till you don't quit the opioids, the dreams are gonna persist. I noticed that I have this issue too, even without opioids sometimes I get in those deep kind of frightening dreams but when I'm using I have them every night.

the worst part is how much those dreams tire you, instead of waking up fresher you wake up exhausted with a state that usually takes me 30-40 minutes to get out of.

don't worry man, you just got into a bump, if 3 months ago you were able to become succesfull you can do it again, if you become complacent you are only giving yourself an excuse to go even deeper in the habit.

good luck man, don't be hard on you, but still apply some self-discipline in the process, if you think of it, the quarantine gives you a nice chunk of time to resolve this, it's unfortunate that you lost your job but if you can survive on a minimum financialy right now, give quitting again a chance, so the excuses like " I can't go to work like this" or " I can't go outside like this" are irational. it's up to you to transform a sad situation in an opportunity.

 

[nznity]

Oh man, finally someone that speaks about this. I've noticed these kinda dreams happen when I'm either on a high dose of opiates and go to sleep or when I'm in acute wds. The wd dreams are fucking scary as hell though and like you said it has to do with guilt AND becoming self concious of all the shit we are doing bad. Whenever i get these dreams i get shocked for a while too. Just the price we have to pay for too much pleasure.

 

[ghostandthedarknes]

at about a month of daily heavy use and get fucked up dreams that leave me feeling Claustrophobic and like i can't breath. takes a couple hours to fall asleep again.

 

[chelle216]

So opioids actually interfere with deep sleep. Based on your post, I’d hazard a guess that you’re quite stressed? Couple that with recent benzo abuse, plus the lack of restorative sleep, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disasterous dreams.

Regarding your plan to get on methadone, (again, I 100% encourage!!) By the time you level out, which may take awhile, you’ll probably find that a lot of these life stressors diminish. Be forewarned though that methadone sleep may seem weird. From firsthand experience plus having seen the sleep habits of someone on methadone, it’s almost as though rest happens in undulating waves of something between a peaceful nod and actual sleep. Its not uncommon to wake several times a night in a sort of haze (and eat snacks, read the next half chapter in your book, or watch the YouTube video you fell asleep halfway through) only to fall back to sleep immediately upon closing your eyes. The strange part, there is no real fatigue the next morning.

That said, focus on getting you sorted out for right now. Worrying about the people around you is just going to lead to disappointment, and disappointment always lends to excuses.

 

[deficiT]

It's good you're opening up about it. I never really had too many problems with dreams, aside from bad sleep paralysis, but that sounds really difficult.

Especially after getting off a long run where you've drained a lot of dopamine, you can be extra raw and emotional for a while. I guess my most intense dreaming phases were right after I was hospitalized and in rehab.

Feel free to vent to me anytime man, my messages are always open. It's a lot of stuff on your mind and it can be difficult to sort through, but there are plenty here willing to help.

 

[deficiT]

And as a PS: definitely don't ever feel like your negative thoughts are a burden here. Because this is specifically where you should be if you need to talk about that kind of shit. But I know what you're saying, it is difficult to open up when you need to.