On being a rescuer

[PerdidaGeno]

I had it suggested i post here for better discussion. hopefully i picked the right sub forum.

So, it relates a lot to the drama triangle. I seek out opportunities to rescue people and many of my relationships IRL i find myself in a rescuing role.

One person said it’s judgemental which was a bit of a stab to the front that i haven’t processed yet.

i find the high i get from answering questions on an ADHD group on fb and in the latest tab of reddit to be somewhat similar to my real life activities.

in this role i easily develop resentment because i feel taken for granted and then seek to self soothe. i don’t have an active drug or alcohol addiction anymore but there’s more than one way to scratch that addict itch.

i’ve been working on mindfulness with regular body scans and getting in touch with my senses. making progress towards emotional regulation with this, otherwise my tendency is to experience rejection quite quickly and with an aggressive response if it’s with someone i feel comfortable being aggressive towards.

i’ve been told it’s working on increasing that gap between being triggered and responding that will help me significantly.

 

[thatmf]

You gotta focus on yourself and self-care/self-work. Otherwise you'll just burn out. There's a saying "You must fill your own cup before you can pour into others." And look it's good helping people but you have to consider yourself also.

Edit: I also think boundaries are super important.

 

[PerdidaGeno]

thank you for the response.

in group yesterday i got labeled as being codependent which someone on reddit labeled it also.

the Grow handbook mentions boundaries as a key part of moving away from such things.

my exaggerated importance on what i think others think of me is food for thought.

staying in contact with myself is right, filling my own cup and addressing my needs myself instead of looking externally

 

[snmfmy]

thank you for the response.

in group yesterday i got labeled as being codependent which someone on reddit labeled it also.

the Grow handbook mentions boundaries as a key part of moving away from such things.

my exaggerated importance on what i think others think of me is food for thought.

staying in contact with myself is right, filling my own cup and addressing my needs myself instead of looking externally

So you're a fixer?

You find people and help them through their rough patches?

Help them get over substance abuse other issues?

There's nothing wrong with that per se. The issue is if it becomes a pattern and you can't develop normal interpersonal relationships with someone who you don't want to rescue.

 

[PerdidaGeno]

So you're a fixer?

You find people and help them through their rough patches?

Help them get over substance abuse other issues?

There's nothing wrong with that per se. The issue is if it becomes a pattern and you can't develop normal interpersonal relationships with someone who you don't want to rescue.

yes somewhat a fixer
even physically speaking, i find i like to tinker with broken appliances and get a lot of enjoyment fixing them.

people i’m not as good at ‘fixing’ and can get impatient with their actions or in my view mistakes. i also find myself attracted to the hardest of people and things to fix and overwhelm myself with the responsibility i assume.

my social skills aren’t great. if i don’t find myself useful to someone i don’t often have a lot of success engaging with them. people occasionally adopt me and i follow them around. i followed someone into recovery to be honest.

 

[snmfmy]

yes somewhat a fixer
even physically speaking, i find i like to tinker with broken appliances and get a lot of enjoyment fixing them.

people i’m not as good at ‘fixing’ and can get impatient with their actions or in my view mistakes. i also find myself attracted to the hardest of people and things to fix and overwhelm myself with the responsibility i assume.

my social skills aren’t great. if i don’t find myself useful to someone i don’t often have a lot of success engaging with them. people occasionally adopt me and i follow them around. i followed someone into recovery to be honest.

I Don't know anything about you. However, from reading your posts and responses to some of the posts in this thread, it seems that you base your self-worth on the utility that you represent in other's lives and that is not a good thing.

You have to determine your self-worth based on just yourself and who you are not measured against someone else or what you can do for them.

 

[PerdidaGeno]

yeah i’m finding it tough. it is challenging to maintain the direction to be about other too, am i to turn dark so to speak i find myself wanting a huge amount from people.

i find it sometimes feel as though i am a narcissist with how i inflate my ego with the praise of others.

that feels somewhat freeing to see.

i have found an inner peace recently. it seems like it’s a comfort with what was once felt to be a void. instead of fear of the unknown in there i find calm and wholeness.

i also find i can place things that are in my head but i haven’t integrated well into it and this gives me some comfort.

i’m about to place myself in that space.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I'm still in the trenches.
Gotta rescue and hope one day we get rescued.
Could be worse. Blase but so true (for me).
Least I don't have to bare the weight of being selfish. It all comes at a cost. Draining at times..
maybe always. lol
Got me thinking now imma move on, yeah?
It's the weed....

 

[jasperkent]

You gotta focus on yourself and self-care/self-work. Otherwise you'll just burn out. There's a saying "You must fill your own cup before you can pour into others."

Absolutely true.

Another way of seeing this is to look at what the airlines tell you to do in case of an in-flight emergency ---If the oxygen masks drop, put on your own mask first. You won't be of any help to anyone if you lose consciousness.

This seems like common sense but it's easy to forget sometimes. When I worked at an animal shelter for four years, I didn't fully realize how much my lack of self-care was affecting me until it was too late. That job was very fulfilling but also extremely stressful. During my last year there, my drug use skyrocketed until I crashed&burned and ended up an emotional and physical wreck. They fired me (after paying for a stint in rehab that didn't take) and did me a huge favor by doing so. It took me another three years or so to get my shit together.

In my younger days I had a tendency to fall in love with damaged/hurting women and try to be their lover, soul-mate, best friend, guardian, and therapist. That last one is a mistake. Despite that, I've been in a couple of truly wonderful long-term relationships. But when it goes wrong, it goes very very wrong. I don't try to "fix" people anymore.

YMMV

 

[salamandala]

Body scanning is superb also box and triangle breathing have helped during intensely scary physical sensations until they passed so it must do something worthwhile

I feel my brain is damaged which makes impulse control shoddy at best won't even touch on the emotional storms but the crucial crux is finding space to prevent further damage I have given up the idea I can reverse it with neuronal pathway forging drugs

Meditation is the only practice I have been shown really to naturally heal brain damage and signs of progress usually take at least six months daily practice he said. I have seen jogging not to mention running promotes neurogenesis too but my body isn't up for that so meditation I must get back to for the life of me.

That must be nice to care about others at least you are being empathetic but taking care of yourself is probably the prerequisite

If I don't meditate my prayers will be psychotic but starting to see whatever I am praying to isn't so inclined to magically make me better quick or I fight what they may want that I blindly assume

With the inner blindness cured to an extent one should know thyself ideally and be able to forecast prevention of relapse (being awfully wordy bored and tired time to go do something other than the most dangerous drug I can get right now very similar to something someone with ADHD might take which on it is like the body scanning that can kill me the way I am so naive and self-centered too aware of myself terrible stuff Idk why I keep doing this yet to know)

But then it takes practice and body scanning is a great idea I may need to learn this might help me find relief outside a bottle

All over the place sorry to barge in your thread all dis-ordered in the mind not helping I am sipping a brew too strong like any is a good idea with the state of my frayed CNS scary heat sensations earlier chest or something is frayed wickedly bad

 

[thatmf]

Body scanning is superb also box and triangle breathing have helped during intensely scary physical sensations until they passed so it must do something worthwhile

I feel my brain is damaged which makes impulse control shoddy at best won't even touch on the emotional storms but the crucial crux is finding space to prevent further damage I have given up the idea I can reverse it with neuronal pathway forging drugs

Meditation is the only practice I have been shown really to naturally heal brain damage and signs of progress usually take at least six months daily practice he said. I have seen jogging not to mention running promotes neurogenesis too but my body isn't up for that so meditation I must get back to for the life of me.

That must be nice to care about others at least you are being empathetic but taking care of yourself is probably the prerequisite

If I don't meditate my prayers will be psychotic but starting to see whatever I am praying to isn't so inclined to magically make me better quick or I fight what they may want that I blindly assume

With the inner blindness cured to an extent one should know thyself ideally and be able to forecast prevention of relapse (being awfully wordy bored and tired time to go do something other than the most dangerous drug I can get right now very similar to something someone with ADHD might take which on it is like the body scanning that can kill me the way I am so naive and self-centered too aware of myself terrible stuff Idk why I keep doing this yet to know)

But then it takes practice and body scanning is a great idea I may need to learn this might help me find relief outside a bottle

All over the place sorry to barge in your thread all dis-ordered in the mind not helping I am sipping a brew too strong like any is a good idea with the state of my frayed CNS scary heat sensations earlier chest or something is frayed wickedly bad

That's epic. My memory is probably 80% of what it used to be. I'm joining a weekly meditation group next week. Any decent exercise that can release/create more "Brain-derived neurtrophic factor" should be helpful. No hard science or research I have to back it up.

I knew a guy who was a bit loco about meditation and yeah it can definitely heal some brain damage