ok so i'm going to try and get all the relevant info into this post as well as i can.
i'm a 24 year old female who started smoking cannabis when i was about 13 or 14. i have never taken a break longer than a few weeks. in retrospect i now know that it has done me more harm than good over the years. sure it helped my creativity in the beginning but over time it even hindered that, and i have felt severe depression and anxiety which only starts to go away even a little bit whenever i stop. but i can never seem to stop for long. and without it i still feel empty, like i need it, even though it just brings me back to a bad place when i start up again.
i know lots of people like to glorify weed and say it is harmless and non-addictive, but i really don't think it's quite so simple. it may be psychological addiction, yet there are some really bad physical withdrawals. and there are times i feel that i've ruined my life by letting that addiction take hold of me. but yeah, i won't get into that too deeply right now because i honestly don't wish to start a debate on that in particular, i know there are other threads about that.
anyway, i have also taken various other substances since i was a teenager, both for fun and for spiritual purposes. LSD was always one of my favourites. last october i went to visit a friend in another town, and we got a train up to a city 2 hours away to go to a psychedelic trance party. i took 2 tabs over the course of the night, two different types of acid, as well as a shitload of alcohol and some MDMA. (i'd like to note that i never used to mix LSD with any other substance apart from maybe weed, i always felt it dampened the effects, i never used to take it as a party drug because my first trip was a bad one, but over the years as i grew more comfortable with it, i became more and more frivolous and careless).
so the party died down, it became close to afternoon, the alcohol was wearing off and i was still tripping absolute balls. very strong. i felt ok, a little paranoia, but ok. then we got a lift into the city centre so we could get the train back to my friend's town.
it was on the train that i started to feel a panic attack coming on. i've had one once before, so perhaps the fear of it happening again is part of what brought it on, i don't know. my hands started to go numb and all that. i was able to keep calm ish, but it was still really intense. the guy sitting next to me was very openly looking at a porn magazine (and being a pretty firm feminist who supports women's choices yet still feels uncomfortable when exposed to patriarchal pornography and sexual objectification of women, this certainly did not help matters). i had to keep going into the toilet to hide, i would have rather sat in there in the stench, staring at my own fucked up reflection in the mirror facing the toilet than sit next to that spotty little creep and all the other overwhelming stimulus of the busy afternoon train.
by the last few stops i thought the journey would never end, but thankfully we got back to the small town my friend lives in. i thought i would feel ok when we got back to his flat. thought i'd be ok when i got some sleep. i couldn't sleep for over 12 hours. i couldn't get these weird ringing pounding noises out of my head. i was having really fucked up and gory closed eye visuals. horrible thoughts. basically i thought i experienced Hell, and the devil as well as god all at once. i cannot explain it much more than that because i suppose i've blocked some of it out, also it may go beyond verbal explanation.
anyway. the point of all this is that afterwards, i could not smoke weed without being brought back to a very similar mind state. i had to quit for the first time ever. i did some reading online which was equally comforting and paranoia-inducing. i thought i had caused some form of psychosis, i thought i was going schizophrenic. i had trouble sleeping for weeks, kept twitching myself awake whenever i drifted off etc.
i was also suffering some really bad intrusive thoughts. for example, i couldn't get the thought out of my mind that i may not be real. that everything i was sensing and experiencing may have been a lie. that no one else was real. however this was only after reading this as a possible symptom of schizophrenia, so i maybe just brought that on myself by doing so. i would also get thoughts of harming myself and others, of going crazy in public, basically if you type intrusive thoughts into wikipedia i got pretty much all of the ones listed. i was absolutely terrified that i was going apeshit crazy.
but... after a while i started smoking weed again. i couldn't smoke as much as i did before (and still cannot) but i was okay with it for a while. i went for a few weeks toking, then a few days stopping. i would get the intrusive thoughts again any time i stopped.
after doing a bit of reading i have come to discover that it may not have been the LSD that caused the intrusive thoughts, but actually just the withdrawal from cannabis. a lot of chronic tokers apparently get very similar things, and there is still no clear understanding if it is a direct cause of the cannabis, or if perhaps the cannabis just helps symptoms of people who naturally have more of a desposition to OCD (i think i;ve always been a little bit OCD since childhood).
in april my friend put on a small festival. on the sunday afternoon i was dancing in the barn, felt very happy and serene. was thinking about how lovely all the people around me were and how great my life was, how grateful i was for everything in it and how silly i'd been to feel so anxious so much in the past.
then, i smoked a pipe of weed. i picked up a flyer that was on the ground in front of me, for a party in another town. it showed an image of a dj in a pyramid at the top. for some reason, as soon as i saw this, i suddenly started to think it looked evil. i started to wonder, what if everything around me, everything in psychedelic culture, the music, the drugs, the parties, everything that i thought was good and wonderful, what if it was actually all rooted in evil? what if it was just a huge trick and deception by the devil, so that he could steal my soul? i thought about how these parties, drugs etc are supposed to make people happy, yet i had felt so much pain and fear from them, and i was not happy right now. i felt like maybe i was in hell, that hell was just a repetitive dance that would never end.
now, i have never really been a relgious person. my grandparents took me to a presbyterian church until i was 7 when i consciously told them i did not want to go anymore. they never forced me after that. i remember feeling like i hated god for some reason as a child, but i don;t think i ever really stopped believing in him. i have verged on atheism over the years, having many atheist friends, but always remained agnostic at heart. especially after that LSD trip, it seemed to instill some sort of belief back into me. but i still never really beleived in the idea of the christian god, i hate christian dogma and i think so much evil has been done in christ's name.
so you can imagine how upset and disturbed i was by suddenly having these thoughts.
i suddenly felt paranoid and anxious and my happiness was gone. i had to go and lie down away from everyone and try to sleep. which i couldn't, i kept twitching awake (again, like after the LSD).
after the weed wore off i felt a bit better but still uneasy and upset. i told a few people what i experienced and they tried to reassure me.
anyway, i stayed off the weed for 5 days after that. but then i got access to some Black Rose, which was purple and truth be told, absolutely lovely. caused me no anxiety at all, but of course the really good stuff never lasts in this country and i went back onto shitty "orange bud".
well, i wasn't back on it every single day but still on it. then last weekend i ended up taking some ecstacy at a party and having a really horrible comedown. then, a friend of mine told me he had been watching a documentary online called Age of Deceit: Fallen Angels and the New World Order.
i really don't know whether i am glad i watched it or wish i never did.
you can find it on youtube and a few other sites online, if interested, but if you're in any way mentally unstable or paranoid i wouldn't recommend it, and maybe you shouldn't read any further, iduno.
basically, to sum it up, it says, albeit from a strongly christian standpoint, that UFOs, alien abductions, tales of "ancient aliens", the illuminati, the NWO, esotericism, mystery schools, the New Age movement, certain forms of spirituality, psychedelic drugs, all of it, are actually just one huge lie perpetuated by Satan. UFOs and aliens are actually demons, the new age movements and esotericism are actually lies trying to get people to reject the idea of God, to reject the idea that Christ is our saviour... to make us believe that WE are god, so that we will reject him even further so that they can prepare us more easily for a one-world government and one-world religion. it really freaked me out, after having those thoughts myself, and then little things seeming to connect with it... but then that's perhaps just me making connections were there are merely coincidences.
now, i used to be kind of into conspiracy theories, but i stopped reading into them because there was so much conflicting info and it was overwhelming. i have never been that susceptible to mad paranoias and ideas, have always thought myself quite rational and capable of critical thinking... i believe there is probably some truth in them but also probably a hell of a lot of misinformation. that's why i stopped reading into them... but for some reason i always find myself coming back to it, i don't know if it's my mind reaching out to find something or if it;s just the way my path is going....
all i know is that i've never felt this terrified by them before. to watch that documentary, which i am aware could be rooted in a chirstian agenda, after the thoughts i had been having anyway... makes me think about it in a whole new way, and it's not one which is comfortable.
i've loved experimenting with drugs for years, but in the past few years i have felt it has only destroyed me, and damaged my spirit if spirit exists. i do sometimes feel like drugs are glorified in ways they shouldn't be, that people take them carelessly, and that they CAN fuck people up. i obviously would never take away someone's right to take drugs if they wish, but sometimes i feel wary of all this flowery language that is used to make them seem like the be all and end all solution to spiritual problems and i know from experience that they ARE dangerous, even though i do not agree with the demonisation of them either.
so..... what is the point of my post... ahhh. basically i want to get some opinions from anyone who may have experienced things similar to what i have. i would like to hope that i am not just going crazy from taking too many drugs like a few people have suggested. my great uncle was diagnosed schizophrenic so i know that i apparently have a higher chance of it... but i do not really experience any of the other symptoms of schizophrenia that i have read.
i want to hope that i have just been falling into some paranoid mindstates because i have been careless about what i've put into my body and set and setting etc etc. but there's part of me that feels like whether i like it or not i have had some sort of religious experience, i have experienced something true... that something is there, trying to tell me something, to be wary, to not fall into this world of hedonism and mindless drug abuse that i see so many of my peers falling into under the guise of spiritual liberation and self-love.
i don't know that much about esoteric knowledge etc either, but when i look into it, it does seem to be rooted in something strange... so much of it seems wrapped in a dogma and strange religious belief that is not christian but is definitely something else... like the aquarian society saying that they believe in the coming of a "new world teacher/leader". a few of my friends have recently been getting into this stuff, like mystery schools, the order of thelema... and while it says it is not literally luciferian, i cannot help but be suspicious that there is something dark behind it. also i worry because my mum is sending my younger sister to Rudolf Steiner school. i had heard they were a bit "new agey" and i thought of this the other day, wondered if it was somehow tied in at all, brushed it off and said ah nah, they are probably just a bunch of hippies. well then i actually googled rudolf steiner, and saw that he is closely tied into esotericism, mystery schools, teachings that lucifer is light, etc. it all seemed like a very weird coincidence.....
sorry that this post is so long. i just wanted to try and get everything in here. i don't want to seem like a rambling insane freak. even though i do feel like one at times. i'm afraid of what this all means, if it means anything. i have never been on any kind of medication for my depression and i am mostly against it, but part of me wants to try it as some sort of last resort... i'm afraid that i'm going to have to give up everything in my life that i enjoy, making music, hanging out with certain folk, making art, because if there's any truth to this, then it's all frickin evil lol...
i am just trying to find truth and maybe it's not the best time as THC leaves my body and i feel alienated, distanced from all my friends as i cannot even be around them because they all smoke. any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated. maybe i am just going a bit crazy...
i'm a 24 year old female who started smoking cannabis when i was about 13 or 14. i have never taken a break longer than a few weeks. in retrospect i now know that it has done me more harm than good over the years. sure it helped my creativity in the beginning but over time it even hindered that, and i have felt severe depression and anxiety which only starts to go away even a little bit whenever i stop. but i can never seem to stop for long. and without it i still feel empty, like i need it, even though it just brings me back to a bad place when i start up again.
i know lots of people like to glorify weed and say it is harmless and non-addictive, but i really don't think it's quite so simple. it may be psychological addiction, yet there are some really bad physical withdrawals. and there are times i feel that i've ruined my life by letting that addiction take hold of me. but yeah, i won't get into that too deeply right now because i honestly don't wish to start a debate on that in particular, i know there are other threads about that.
anyway, i have also taken various other substances since i was a teenager, both for fun and for spiritual purposes. LSD was always one of my favourites. last october i went to visit a friend in another town, and we got a train up to a city 2 hours away to go to a psychedelic trance party. i took 2 tabs over the course of the night, two different types of acid, as well as a shitload of alcohol and some MDMA. (i'd like to note that i never used to mix LSD with any other substance apart from maybe weed, i always felt it dampened the effects, i never used to take it as a party drug because my first trip was a bad one, but over the years as i grew more comfortable with it, i became more and more frivolous and careless).
so the party died down, it became close to afternoon, the alcohol was wearing off and i was still tripping absolute balls. very strong. i felt ok, a little paranoia, but ok. then we got a lift into the city centre so we could get the train back to my friend's town.
it was on the train that i started to feel a panic attack coming on. i've had one once before, so perhaps the fear of it happening again is part of what brought it on, i don't know. my hands started to go numb and all that. i was able to keep calm ish, but it was still really intense. the guy sitting next to me was very openly looking at a porn magazine (and being a pretty firm feminist who supports women's choices yet still feels uncomfortable when exposed to patriarchal pornography and sexual objectification of women, this certainly did not help matters). i had to keep going into the toilet to hide, i would have rather sat in there in the stench, staring at my own fucked up reflection in the mirror facing the toilet than sit next to that spotty little creep and all the other overwhelming stimulus of the busy afternoon train.
by the last few stops i thought the journey would never end, but thankfully we got back to the small town my friend lives in. i thought i would feel ok when we got back to his flat. thought i'd be ok when i got some sleep. i couldn't sleep for over 12 hours. i couldn't get these weird ringing pounding noises out of my head. i was having really fucked up and gory closed eye visuals. horrible thoughts. basically i thought i experienced Hell, and the devil as well as god all at once. i cannot explain it much more than that because i suppose i've blocked some of it out, also it may go beyond verbal explanation.
anyway. the point of all this is that afterwards, i could not smoke weed without being brought back to a very similar mind state. i had to quit for the first time ever. i did some reading online which was equally comforting and paranoia-inducing. i thought i had caused some form of psychosis, i thought i was going schizophrenic. i had trouble sleeping for weeks, kept twitching myself awake whenever i drifted off etc.
i was also suffering some really bad intrusive thoughts. for example, i couldn't get the thought out of my mind that i may not be real. that everything i was sensing and experiencing may have been a lie. that no one else was real. however this was only after reading this as a possible symptom of schizophrenia, so i maybe just brought that on myself by doing so. i would also get thoughts of harming myself and others, of going crazy in public, basically if you type intrusive thoughts into wikipedia i got pretty much all of the ones listed. i was absolutely terrified that i was going apeshit crazy.
but... after a while i started smoking weed again. i couldn't smoke as much as i did before (and still cannot) but i was okay with it for a while. i went for a few weeks toking, then a few days stopping. i would get the intrusive thoughts again any time i stopped.
after doing a bit of reading i have come to discover that it may not have been the LSD that caused the intrusive thoughts, but actually just the withdrawal from cannabis. a lot of chronic tokers apparently get very similar things, and there is still no clear understanding if it is a direct cause of the cannabis, or if perhaps the cannabis just helps symptoms of people who naturally have more of a desposition to OCD (i think i;ve always been a little bit OCD since childhood).
in april my friend put on a small festival. on the sunday afternoon i was dancing in the barn, felt very happy and serene. was thinking about how lovely all the people around me were and how great my life was, how grateful i was for everything in it and how silly i'd been to feel so anxious so much in the past.
then, i smoked a pipe of weed. i picked up a flyer that was on the ground in front of me, for a party in another town. it showed an image of a dj in a pyramid at the top. for some reason, as soon as i saw this, i suddenly started to think it looked evil. i started to wonder, what if everything around me, everything in psychedelic culture, the music, the drugs, the parties, everything that i thought was good and wonderful, what if it was actually all rooted in evil? what if it was just a huge trick and deception by the devil, so that he could steal my soul? i thought about how these parties, drugs etc are supposed to make people happy, yet i had felt so much pain and fear from them, and i was not happy right now. i felt like maybe i was in hell, that hell was just a repetitive dance that would never end.
now, i have never really been a relgious person. my grandparents took me to a presbyterian church until i was 7 when i consciously told them i did not want to go anymore. they never forced me after that. i remember feeling like i hated god for some reason as a child, but i don;t think i ever really stopped believing in him. i have verged on atheism over the years, having many atheist friends, but always remained agnostic at heart. especially after that LSD trip, it seemed to instill some sort of belief back into me. but i still never really beleived in the idea of the christian god, i hate christian dogma and i think so much evil has been done in christ's name.
so you can imagine how upset and disturbed i was by suddenly having these thoughts.
i suddenly felt paranoid and anxious and my happiness was gone. i had to go and lie down away from everyone and try to sleep. which i couldn't, i kept twitching awake (again, like after the LSD).
after the weed wore off i felt a bit better but still uneasy and upset. i told a few people what i experienced and they tried to reassure me.
anyway, i stayed off the weed for 5 days after that. but then i got access to some Black Rose, which was purple and truth be told, absolutely lovely. caused me no anxiety at all, but of course the really good stuff never lasts in this country and i went back onto shitty "orange bud".
well, i wasn't back on it every single day but still on it. then last weekend i ended up taking some ecstacy at a party and having a really horrible comedown. then, a friend of mine told me he had been watching a documentary online called Age of Deceit: Fallen Angels and the New World Order.
i really don't know whether i am glad i watched it or wish i never did.
you can find it on youtube and a few other sites online, if interested, but if you're in any way mentally unstable or paranoid i wouldn't recommend it, and maybe you shouldn't read any further, iduno.
basically, to sum it up, it says, albeit from a strongly christian standpoint, that UFOs, alien abductions, tales of "ancient aliens", the illuminati, the NWO, esotericism, mystery schools, the New Age movement, certain forms of spirituality, psychedelic drugs, all of it, are actually just one huge lie perpetuated by Satan. UFOs and aliens are actually demons, the new age movements and esotericism are actually lies trying to get people to reject the idea of God, to reject the idea that Christ is our saviour... to make us believe that WE are god, so that we will reject him even further so that they can prepare us more easily for a one-world government and one-world religion. it really freaked me out, after having those thoughts myself, and then little things seeming to connect with it... but then that's perhaps just me making connections were there are merely coincidences.
now, i used to be kind of into conspiracy theories, but i stopped reading into them because there was so much conflicting info and it was overwhelming. i have never been that susceptible to mad paranoias and ideas, have always thought myself quite rational and capable of critical thinking... i believe there is probably some truth in them but also probably a hell of a lot of misinformation. that's why i stopped reading into them... but for some reason i always find myself coming back to it, i don't know if it's my mind reaching out to find something or if it;s just the way my path is going....
all i know is that i've never felt this terrified by them before. to watch that documentary, which i am aware could be rooted in a chirstian agenda, after the thoughts i had been having anyway... makes me think about it in a whole new way, and it's not one which is comfortable.
i've loved experimenting with drugs for years, but in the past few years i have felt it has only destroyed me, and damaged my spirit if spirit exists. i do sometimes feel like drugs are glorified in ways they shouldn't be, that people take them carelessly, and that they CAN fuck people up. i obviously would never take away someone's right to take drugs if they wish, but sometimes i feel wary of all this flowery language that is used to make them seem like the be all and end all solution to spiritual problems and i know from experience that they ARE dangerous, even though i do not agree with the demonisation of them either.
so..... what is the point of my post... ahhh. basically i want to get some opinions from anyone who may have experienced things similar to what i have. i would like to hope that i am not just going crazy from taking too many drugs like a few people have suggested. my great uncle was diagnosed schizophrenic so i know that i apparently have a higher chance of it... but i do not really experience any of the other symptoms of schizophrenia that i have read.
i want to hope that i have just been falling into some paranoid mindstates because i have been careless about what i've put into my body and set and setting etc etc. but there's part of me that feels like whether i like it or not i have had some sort of religious experience, i have experienced something true... that something is there, trying to tell me something, to be wary, to not fall into this world of hedonism and mindless drug abuse that i see so many of my peers falling into under the guise of spiritual liberation and self-love.
i don't know that much about esoteric knowledge etc either, but when i look into it, it does seem to be rooted in something strange... so much of it seems wrapped in a dogma and strange religious belief that is not christian but is definitely something else... like the aquarian society saying that they believe in the coming of a "new world teacher/leader". a few of my friends have recently been getting into this stuff, like mystery schools, the order of thelema... and while it says it is not literally luciferian, i cannot help but be suspicious that there is something dark behind it. also i worry because my mum is sending my younger sister to Rudolf Steiner school. i had heard they were a bit "new agey" and i thought of this the other day, wondered if it was somehow tied in at all, brushed it off and said ah nah, they are probably just a bunch of hippies. well then i actually googled rudolf steiner, and saw that he is closely tied into esotericism, mystery schools, teachings that lucifer is light, etc. it all seemed like a very weird coincidence.....
sorry that this post is so long. i just wanted to try and get everything in here. i don't want to seem like a rambling insane freak. even though i do feel like one at times. i'm afraid of what this all means, if it means anything. i have never been on any kind of medication for my depression and i am mostly against it, but part of me wants to try it as some sort of last resort... i'm afraid that i'm going to have to give up everything in my life that i enjoy, making music, hanging out with certain folk, making art, because if there's any truth to this, then it's all frickin evil lol...
i am just trying to find truth and maybe it's not the best time as THC leaves my body and i feel alienated, distanced from all my friends as i cannot even be around them because they all smoke. any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated. maybe i am just going a bit crazy...
Last edited:
