Mental Health Obsessive compulsive disorder rant

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

Hey yall so to begin ive had ocd since atleast second or third grade (i can remember that far back its possible i had it younger).

Most people dont know what real ocd is. Its having to complete rituals in order to "prevent" things from happening but its never able to be satisfied atleast for me. Its being obsessive about things and having obsessive thoughts. Its about having intrusive thoughts.

Its not about being clean and orderly although it can be like that sometimes just not in the way most people think.

Like as a kid id have to win a game or else id go to hell. Id call it making bets with the devil. I would always sing parodys about how i believe in god ad how i dont want to go to hell. Id have to tap something a million times or else id "get a heart attack" or my dad would 'get in a car crash".

I say things i dont mean in my head alot. Like i say "fuck you god i hate you i dont like you" in my head for no reason. Like i think about the worst possible things and dont mean it.

These days i dont have to complete rituals about getting heart attacks or cancer or getting really fat but i do have to complete rituals in order for my crush to like me. Or i say in my head "if it skips to loading and goes straight to eighteen percent my crush likes me".

Ive had ocd since third grade at least. I havent been diagnosed with ocd until i was 17. I take 60 mg of prozac to help with the ocd. I also take it for depression and anxiety. Part of the reasons i did a lot of things was because of my ocd.

Like i always had running away and attempting suicide and doing heroin on my mind. I was obsessed with wanting to do it until i did it.

Before i knew what ocd was my sister thought i had teretz because of the tapping and hair pulling and etc.

Its mostly under control now. Used to be so much worse. But i hope god dont get mad at me when i say hurtful things to him. I cant help it. And most people dont understand.

 

[Eligiu]

Hey yall so to begin ive had ocd since atleast second or third grade (i can remember that far back its possible i had it younger).

Most people dont know what real ocd is. Its having to complete rituals in order to "prevent" things from happening but its never able to be satisfied atleast for me. Its being obsessive about things and having obsessive thoughts. Its about having intrusive thoughts.

Its not about being clean and orderly although it can be like that sometimes just not in the way most people think.

Like as a kid id have to win a game or else id go to hell. Id call it making bets with the devil. I would always sing parodys about how i believe in god ad how i dont want to go to hell. Id have to tap something a million times or else id "get a heart attack" or my dad would 'get in a car crash".

I say things i dont mean in my head alot. Like i say "fuck you god i hate you i dont like you" in my head for no reason. Like i think about the worst possible things and dont mean it.

These days i dont have to complete rituals about getting heart attacks or cancer or getting really fat but i do have to complete rituals in order for my crush to like me. Or i say in my head "if it skips to loading and goes straight to eighteen percent my crush likes me".

Ive had ocd since third grade at least. I havent been diagnosed with ocd until i was 17. I take 60 mg of prozac to help with the ocd. I also take it for depression and anxiety. Part of the reasons i did a lot of things was because of my ocd.

Like i always had running away and attempting suicide and doing heroin on my mind. I was obsessed with wanting to do it until i did it.

Before i knew what ocd was my sister thought i had teretz because of the tapping and hair pulling and etc.

Its mostly under control now. Used to be so much worse. But i hope god dont get mad at me when i say hurtful things to him. I cant help it. And most people dont understand.

OCD is hell. I have OCD traits from autism (which is extremely common) and tics as well (also common) but I'd never go so far as to say I understand what full OCD is like, because I can only imagine what it is based off my personal experiences.

For me my OCD traits come up in several ways. The biggest is with self harm. When I cut, I have to cut in groups of 5 and I have to cut at least 5 times to stop cutting. This means if I accidentally cut 6 I have to continue to 10. To 11, I have to continue to 15 and so on. It often means that when I cut, I cut until my entire arm is covered as I also have to cut until it 'feels right' and only then can I stop. Also when I burn myself I have to heat the blade with a lighter for either 30 or 60 seconds then press it against my skin for the same amount of time I heated it for and I cannot remove it until that time elapses. The result of this is 3rd degree burns more often than not, which take months to heal.

Another thing is people touching or moving things. If someone runs their hand over a surface I have to rub it back in the opposite direction until it feels right. If they move something in my apartment I have to spend time moving it around again until it feels right.

With my stove, when I use it I have to say to myself 'i have turned the stove off' when I switch it off, or I get intrusive thoughts and worry endlessly about causing a fire even though it's not possible with my type of stove top.

I too have bad intrusive thoughts. I've only shared them with select people in my life and truthfully I'm too ashamed of them to describe them here as they're incredibly stigmatised because they're sexual and violent. They're utterly repulsive to me and it has driven me to consider suicide on numerous occasions. Sharing them with others helped as they reassured me that the fact that I was and am so disgusted by the thoughts is absolute proof that they don't represent my nature at all. Some of my friends also told me that they too get some level of intrusive thoughts which made me feel less alone and disgusting and bad because of it.

My sympathy for people who suffer from real OCD such as yourself rather than people who think they have it because they like being tidy and neat or normal amounts of clean, comes from people I know with horrific OCD.

One of my close friends has had to quit multiple jobs because of how significant her rituals were and is now applying for disability benefits as a result. She simply cannot work because of how much time is taken up by her rituals that she must perform.

I also do disability support work and my most high needs client has the worst case of OCD I have ever witnessed. Unfortunately he also has an intellectual disability, so he is unable to undergo any psychotherapy to ease or treat the condition and is limited to Prozac, like yourself. His rituals are completely life consuming. He also has autism, like me. We actually have the same level of autism (level 3) but it is his OCD which limits his life completely. I receive government funding like him to help with autism and my disabilities but to put it into perspective, I get $150,000 a year where he gets $600,000. That is the extent to which he is impacted by this illness. I cannot phsyically touch anything in his house because he will need to spend 5-10 minutes moving it back to exactly where it needs to be. He has to flick light switches repeatedly, spin and turn exactly the right amount of times, close drawers and cupboards over and over, and lift and drop things to the exact number. It's crushing to see a young person suffer this much with no relief because he cannot do any treatment. He is only 26, a year younger than me, but will live with this forever.

I really hope you are able to access some kind of treatment which helps you and I hope you know that some people truly understand (as much as is possible) what you have to deal with everyday.

 

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

OCD is hell. I have OCD traits from autism (which is extremely common) and tics as well (also common) but I'd never go so far as to say I understand what full OCD is like, because I can only imagine what it is based off my personal experiences.

For me my OCD traits come up in several ways. The biggest is with self harm. When I cut, I have to cut in groups of 5 and I have to cut at least 5 times to stop cutting. This means if I accidentally cut 6 I have to continue to 10. To 11, I have to continue to 15 and so on. It often means that when I cut, I cut until my entire arm is covered as I also have to cut until it 'feels right' and only then can I stop. Also when I burn myself I have to heat the blade with a lighter for either 30 or 60 seconds then press it against my skin for the same amount of time I heated it for and I cannot remove it until that time elapses. The result of this is 3rd degree burns more often than not, which take months to heal.

Another thing is people touching or moving things. If someone runs their hand over a surface I have to rub it back in the opposite direction until it feels right. If they move something in my apartment I have to spend time moving it around again until it feels right.

With my stove, when I use it I have to say to myself 'i have turned the stove off' when I switch it off, or I get intrusive thoughts and worry endlessly about causing a fire even though it's not possible with my type of stove top.

I too have bad intrusive thoughts. I've only shared them with select people in my life and truthfully I'm too ashamed of them to describe them here as they're incredibly stigmatised because they're sexual and violent. They're utterly repulsive to me and it has driven me to consider suicide on numerous occasions. Sharing them with others helped as they reassured me that the fact that I was and am so disgusted by the thoughts is absolute proof that they don't represent my nature at all. Some of my friends also told me that they too get some level of intrusive thoughts which made me feel less alone and disgusting and bad because of it.

My sympathy for people who suffer from real OCD such as yourself rather than people who think they have it because they like being tidy and neat or normal amounts of clean, comes from people I know with horrific OCD.

One of my close friends has had to quit multiple jobs because of how significant her rituals were and is now applying for disability benefits as a result. She simply cannot work because of how much time is taken up by her rituals that she must perform.

I also do disability support work and my most high needs client has the worst case of OCD I have ever witnessed. Unfortunately he also has an intellectual disability, so he is unable to undergo any psychotherapy to ease or treat the condition and is limited to Prozac, like yourself. His rituals are completely life consuming. He also has autism, like me. We actually have the same level of autism (level 3) but it is his OCD which limits his life completely. I receive government funding like him to help with autism and my disabilities but to put it into perspective, I get $150,000 a year where he gets $600,000. That is the extent to which he is impacted by this illness. I cannot phsyically touch anything in his house because he will need to spend 5-10 minutes moving it back to exactly where it needs to be. He has to flick light switches repeatedly, spin and turn exactly the right amount of times, close drawers and cupboards over and over, and lift and drop things to the exact number. It's crushing to see a young person suffer this much with no relief because he cannot do any treatment. He is only 26, a year younger than me, but will live with this forever.

I really hope you are able to access some kind of treatment which helps you and I hope you know that some people truly understand (as much as is possible) what you have to deal with everyday.

Thank you for your reply and i understand you and i know you understand me. Yeah sometimes when i have to do something a certain amount of times ill have to do more than just that amount especially if i accidently do too many of it rather than the certain amount.

I can imagine what it must be like for your client although my ocd is mostly under control now because of the prozac.

Again thank you for your reply it was really appreciated. It does help to know some people understand.

 

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

OCD is hell. I have OCD traits from autism (which is extremely common) and tics as well (also common) but I'd never go so far as to say I understand what full OCD is like, because I can only imagine what it is based off my personal experiences.

For me my OCD traits come up in several ways. The biggest is with self harm. When I cut, I have to cut in groups of 5 and I have to cut at least 5 times to stop cutting. This means if I accidentally cut 6 I have to continue to 10. To 11, I have to continue to 15 and so on. It often means that when I cut, I cut until my entire arm is covered as I also have to cut until it 'feels right' and only then can I stop. Also when I burn myself I have to heat the blade with a lighter for either 30 or 60 seconds then press it against my skin for the same amount of time I heated it for and I cannot remove it until that time elapses. The result of this is 3rd degree burns more often than not, which take months to heal.

Another thing is people touching or moving things. If someone runs their hand over a surface I have to rub it back in the opposite direction until it feels right. If they move something in my apartment I have to spend time moving it around again until it feels right.

With my stove, when I use it I have to say to myself 'i have turned the stove off' when I switch it off, or I get intrusive thoughts and worry endlessly about causing a fire even though it's not possible with my type of stove top.

I too have bad intrusive thoughts. I've only shared them with select people in my life and truthfully I'm too ashamed of them to describe them here as they're incredibly stigmatised because they're sexual and violent. They're utterly repulsive to me and it has driven me to consider suicide on numerous occasions. Sharing them with others helped as they reassured me that the fact that I was and am so disgusted by the thoughts is absolute proof that they don't represent my nature at all. Some of my friends also told me that they too get some level of intrusive thoughts which made me feel less alone and disgusting and bad because of it.

My sympathy for people who suffer from real OCD such as yourself rather than people who think they have it because they like being tidy and neat or normal amounts of clean, comes from people I know with horrific OCD.

One of my close friends has had to quit multiple jobs because of how significant her rituals were and is now applying for disability benefits as a result. She simply cannot work because of how much time is taken up by her rituals that she must perform.

I also do disability support work and my most high needs client has the worst case of OCD I have ever witnessed. Unfortunately he also has an intellectual disability, so he is unable to undergo any psychotherapy to ease or treat the condition and is limited to Prozac, like yourself. His rituals are completely life consuming. He also has autism, like me. We actually have the same level of autism (level 3) but it is his OCD which limits his life completely. I receive government funding like him to help with autism and my disabilities but to put it into perspective, I get $150,000 a year where he gets $600,000. That is the extent to which he is impacted by this illness. I cannot phsyically touch anything in his house because he will need to spend 5-10 minutes moving it back to exactly where it needs to be. He has to flick light switches repeatedly, spin and turn exactly the right amount of times, close drawers and cupboards over and over, and lift and drop things to the exact number. It's crushing to see a young person suffer this much with no relief because he cannot do any treatment. He is only 26, a year younger than me, but will live with this forever.

I really hope you are able to access some kind of treatment which helps you and I hope you know that some people truly understand (as much as is possible) what you have to deal with everyday.

Also, i have bad intrusive thoughts too a lot of times they are sexual and violent so i understand

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thank you @Sksjdjeisnfkeishz and @Eligiu for sharing your experiences with us. I can only imagine what true OCD is like and how disruptive it is to your life. I have mild OCD that arises when my anxiety flares up, or when I'm very stressed, or when I feel a lack of control over my life. I will start to obsessively and compulsively repeat certain actions and behaviours as a means to maintain some control over something, if that makes sense. I can control it now for the most part though, now that I'm aware of it. When I was younger it would take up a fair bit of my time if I was bad.

 

[Eligiu]

Thank you @Sksjdjeisnfkeishz and @Eligiu for sharing your experiences with us. I can only imagine what true OCD is like and how disruptive it is to your life. I have mild OCD that arises when my anxiety flares up, or when I'm very stressed, or when I feel a lack of control over my life. I will start to obsessively and compulsively repeat certain actions and behaviours as a means to maintain some control over something, if that makes sense. I can control it now for the most part though, now that I'm aware of it. When I was younger it would take up a fair bit of my time if I was bad.

Yeah, I can control some things to an extent like the touching and moving things if I can manage to get through the urge. The self harm I've not found a way around as of yet unfortunately and the intrusive thoughts remain strong.

The tics are a massive hassle as well. Not strictly OCD related but like Tourette's is another disorder people will say they have with zero understanding of how it actually impacts people who live with it. 'Oh I speak impulsively sometimes' yeah cool, I've had tics since I was 5 years old and they legit make me look pretty spastic when I do them (one is shrugging one shoulder, another is moving my back a certain way, another is scrunching my nose up, and one is blinking hard and rapidly). And I get new ones. The blinking one only developed this year. They're all far worse when I'm stressed and I just have to repeatedly do them.

I'm glad I finally got an Autism diagnosis and found out that the OCD behaviour and the tics were just part of that and not seperate issues, but it's been a massive hassle getting any treatment for either as no one works with autistic adults (apparently autism goes away once you turn 18 lol) so I'm currently looking for places to help with the OCD and tics.

I can't take Prozac for OCD due to bipolar disorder, so that's out. I just try to avoid anything that triggers it. It's nice knowing people here even just sort of understand.

 

[Kellsee]

This is gonna be hard to explain. When I was younger I use to find myself all of the sudden challenged and obligated to do very random things. If I didn't I was scared something bad was gonna happen to my mom. I'd try to tell myself how silly it was. Because sometimes it was things that really interfered with whatever I was currently doing. Like I could be walking with a group of people and all the sudden a specific spot in the pavement that we had passed by 10 mins ago would come to my mind. It's like I'd be ordered to have to touch it......or something bad would happen to my mom. Id have to make up excuses to others for why I had to go back. This almost became dibilitating for me. But as I got older it kinda stopped. I know this sounds crazy lol. Maybe it is. Idk lol

 

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

This is gonna be hard to explain. When I was younger I use to find myself all of the sudden challenged and obligated to do very random things. If I didn't I was scared something bad was gonna happen to my mom. I'd try to tell myself how silly it was. Because sometimes it was things that really interfered with whatever I was currently doing. Like I could be walking with a group of people and all the sudden a specific spot in the pavement that we had passed by 10 mins ago would come to my mind. It's like I'd be ordered to have to touch it......or something bad would happen to my mom. Id have to make up excuses to others for why I had to go back. This almost became dibilitating for me. But as I got older it kinda stopped. I know this sounds crazy lol. Maybe it is. Idk lol

Its not crazy it sounds like ocd to me. Im glad you grew out of it. I never did although the meds help me these days

 

[Kellsee]

Its not crazy it sounds like ocd to me. Im glad you grew out of it. I never did although the meds help me these days

I am sorta compulsive about everything lol. Do you ruminate a lot?

 

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

Do you mean think obsessvely or think deeply? I do both although not so much obsessively anymore. I would think deeply about how words are just sounds we make with our tounges and how we put so much meaning into everything we created. I would think about what if we see different colors and think we all see the same colors (like the sky looks green to you but you always known green as blue). I think deeply these days too although not very often.

I used to obsessively think about doing drugs, attempting suicide, running away, and about the experiences i had when people treated me wrong.

I used to journal a lot on topics of life. It was typically negative though. I was really good at it too i actually have an old journal i wrote in when i had ubdiagnosed ocd and didnt know i had it. I can share it sometime if you like. I thought about sharing it in the past but apart of me didnt want anyone stealing my ideas. The journal should most definetly have a trigger warning i must say

 

[JTemperance]

For whatever reason, fluvoxamine [Luvox] seems to be considered the "OCD SSRI" by some psychiatrists (often augmented by risperidone, cast in the role of "OCD AAP.") However – it's a powerful CYP inhibitor, meaning any "recreational" drug users should be especially cautious & think long and hard before taking anything else on top of it.

FWIW, my only hospitalization due to "substance abuse" happened during the period when I was taking the maximum dose of Luvox (300mg, IIRC) and combining it with a whole slew of drugs metabolized by CYP enzymes – e.g. codeine, tramadol, loperamide, clonazepam, alprazolam, tizanidine, & carisoprodol, to name a few – almost daily.

I can't say the Luvox was the decisive factor with any certainty, given the general polydrug recklessness on display. But for better or worse, I was pretty accustomed to that regimen and had never ended up so disoriented. (Even so, if my neighbors had just let me wander the halls until I discovered my door again, I'd have slept it off & been fine.)

 

[G_Chem]

I’ve always wondered if I have mild OCD. For instance I too have phrases I’ll repeat in my head over and over. Or actions that I’ll think about..

The biggest being any time I feel even a little embarrassed about something I’ll either say in my head or imagine myself shooting cocaine. (I’ll say the phrase “big blast of cocaine” over and over again.). Strange thing is I did this even before began shooting cocaine… It’s like my exit strategy or something but it won’t go away and will often repeat over and over again depending on the severity of the embarrassment.

I also have to do things either an even number of times or divisible by 5’s. I can’t turn a volume to 27 without it driving me crazy.

I’ve got other ones but these are the few that come to mind right this second. I just chalk it up to me being a weirdo as it hasn’t gotten in the way of life yet.

-GC

 

[Eligiu]

I’ve always wondered if I have mild OCD. For instance I too have phrases I’ll repeat in my head over and over. Or actions that I’ll think about..

The biggest being any time I feel even a little embarrassed about something I’ll either say in my head or imagine myself shooting cocaine. (I’ll say the phrase “big blast of cocaine” over and over again.). Strange thing is I did this even before began shooting cocaine… It’s like my exit strategy or something but it won’t go away and will often repeat over and over again depending on the severity of the embarrassment.

I also have to do things either an even number of times or divisible by 5’s. I can’t turn a volume to 27 without it driving me crazy.

I’ve got other ones but these are the few that come to mind right this second. I just chalk it up to me being a weirdo as it hasn’t gotten in the way of life yet.

-GC

You'd be shocked how common the even number/multiples of 5 or divisible thing is.

Basically the biggest indicator of whether you have any kind of OCD is whether or not it's impacting your life to a significant extent. I would class my case as mild, given I only have traits, yet it still results in 3rd degree burns from self harm as I *have* to complete the ritual, missed opportunities from delays spent rearranging shit that has been moved to the extent I don't allow anyone to touch anything in my apartment, and my entire teenage years wanting to kill myself due to intrusive thoughts.

And that I would consider mild on the scale of what I've witnessed and see from people who have actual OCD. So if it hasn't really effected you, it's probably just quirks.