Lost Not sure where to go from here

[S.J.B.]

The feeling I have is like falling off the edge of a cliff in slow motion. There are handholds I can grab onto, so I will occasionally, but without much effort as I know that they won't hold out for very long and I'm going to keep falling.

Everything feels abstract now. I can't take any potential path in life seriously. I have a Good Education and a Successful Career. I spent such a large proportion of my life building that and it feels like it was for nothing. The only thing I want to spend my money on is drugs, but even that handhold I don't really believe in. I spent most of my life motivated by love and the idea that I could have a partnership and a family like my parents have. But the evidence so far suggests that I'm not built to be with another person. I've never been happy in a relationship, even though I've spent most of my adult life within them.

When I was younger I was always motivated by something to work towards. I don't feel that way about anything now.

My only friends are people who I do drugs with. I've lost any other friends I've had over the years. Not that I was ever terribly close with any of them anyway. I've only been very close with my girlfriends, and they got sick of me and my calculator-head eventually. My relationships ended because of how I am, not because of anything I did.

I've been in a state that at least resembles dysthymia for the last two-and-a-half years or so, during most of which I was in a relationship, but it hasn't improved now that I've been single for half a year. It's independent of active drug use as I was mostly abstinent during that time, and for a good four years prior.

I've been taking stupid risks lately, unnecessary ones. It makes me feel something. The drugs do too, but it's very fleeting.

I've tried both exercise and therapy but neither of them changed anything. I've considered SSRIs but the idea of being on any drug every day scares me, and it would be sad to lose the strong emotional response I get from my unadulterated joys (novels, video games, dreams). Sometimes I even fantasize about daily opioid use, but I'm not at that point of recklessness. I've considered doing social physical activities like mountain climbing or something but I don't really want to do that, so I would be spending my time play-acting.

What do you do when you feel like there are no good options, that whatever way you go you would just be going through the motions? I would love to hear from someone who has been through something similar, and what they did to attenuate it.

 

[CFC]

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this mate. It sucks for sure

This may be a stupid question, but you mention former partners disliking your Aspie-isms/calculator-head. And so I'm wondering whether you've actually dated a female ASD before? It can make a huge difference to the quality of your relationship, since they're much less likely to take issue with your personality traits - indeed, will likely prefer them over those of normies.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Today I also bumped "SOAD - AERIALS" .. gave me my trust back.. you know, one of my post was also saying some about CH, captain heroin..... and you know, he OD is edgy to die like this but like if u wasnt there u can't know if it was on purpose or not.. his parents knew him better than us or so we think.. one of things i saw in him is same as me as accepting that time takes us to sleep just to wake us again. uffff

 

[Shady's Fox]

i see this too a bit here, tho "strong emotional response that still there for" generic distractions.. means you're still in the yellow mark, which is good. Stay strong as simple as word says

 

[S.J.B.]

This may be a stupid question, but you mention former partners disliking your Aspie-isms/calculator-head. And so I'm wondering whether you've actually dated a female ASD before? It can make a huge difference to the quality of your relationship, since they're much less likely to take issue with your personality traits - indeed, will likely prefer them over those of normies.

No, I've only been with very forward, social women. I have considered this (not strictly women who have/identify as ASD but at least shy and bookish) but I wouldn't even know where to start, my relationships have been with women who were my friends for a long time and became interested in me and made it clearly known. I've tried dating apps and been the initiator and that's gotten me as far as some one-night things and at most a few dates but never more than that.

 

[neversickanymore]

What do you want to do?

 

[Mysterie]

do you have a job s.j.b.? where you work with other people?

 

[CFC]

No, I've only been with very forward, social women. I have considered this (not strictly women who have/identify as ASD but at least shy and bookish) but I wouldn't even know where to start, my relationships have been with women who were my friends for a long time and became interested in me and made it clearly known. I've tried dating apps and been the initiator and that's gotten me as far as some one-night things and at most a few dates but never more than that.

Oh that must have been quite draining mate, I do feel for you, particularly if you've come to expect all relationships to be like the ones you built with such incompatible women. It's no surprise you feel the way you do

Unfortunately, this does seem to happen to a lot of guys with ASD, since forward women who make it fairly obvious they're interested are obviously easier to interpret without fucking up/faux pas/rejection. And often women (superficially, at least) like the strong/silent types, until they actually get to understand it's not an act and that you'll always be a little emotionally unavailable/detached. And, equally, it can be a challenge for the ASD guy to recognize compatibility/incompatibility issues and so accurately gauge the likely appropriateness of dating such a person.

All you can do is keep trying. Whether that be using apps or going out and doing things you enjoy (or don't, but just for the sake of mixing) and hopefully stumbling into women who seem more compatible. Which may be more effective than looking for them explicitly on an app since I'd say most ASD/neurodiverse women don't have a diagnosis and probably don't even realise how they are, given that it manifests differently and they often learn to mimic social behavior more smoothly.

Most neurodiverse folks do ultimately seem to get it together at some point though (hence assortative mating theories), and that does stand true for myself, everyone in my family (all ASD, ADHD, ASPD), and all the many neurodiverse friends in my orbit.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

The feeling I have is like falling off the edge of a cliff in slow motion. There are handholds I can grab onto, so I will occasionally, but without much effort as I know that they won't hold out for very long and I'm going to keep falling.

I see a lot of this and feel it.
In its simplest form for me for my nderstanding is that illusions are crumbling around us daily and we know this subconciously I would imagine.
Human has lived the lies for so long now that this is all we have (or so we believe). We must find sronger footing, hand-holds, ideals and treat each other in loving action to make it past the veil that has been woven.
What you say is deep imo. It is at the least telling me that what I see through their smokescreen is founded... there really is no one to actually offer a saving hand but ourselves.
If we will do this is another story but we do possess the creative power to stop the fall and live a life that is not a lie.
There will be resitance if we tear down the walls of separation and mass deception.
Not sure where to go from here as yet but seed is planted.

 

[S.J.B.]

What do you want to do?

I wish I could answer that!

do you have a job s.j.b.? where you work with other people?

Yeah, I do. I enjoy my social interactions at work, but they are pretty surface-level. Most people there are a lot older than me and have kids.

Oh that must have been quite draining mate, I do feel for you, particularly if you've come to expect all relationships to be like the ones you built with such incompatible women. It's no surprise you feel the way you do

Unfortunately, this does seem to happen to a lot of guys with ASD, since forward women who make it fairly obvious they're interested are obviously easier to interpret without fucking up/faux pas/rejection. And often women (superficially, at least) like the strong/silent types, until they actually get to understand it's not an act and that you'll always be a little emotionally unavailable/detached. And, equally, it can be a challenge for the ASD guy to recognize compatibility/incompatibility issues and so accurately gauge the likely appropriateness of dating such a person.

All you can do is keep trying. Whether that be using apps or going out and doing things you enjoy (or don't, but just for the sake of mixing) and hopefully stumbling into women who seem more compatible. Which may be more effective than looking for them explicitly on an app since I'd say most ASD/neurodiverse women don't have a diagnosis and probably don't even realise how they are, given that it manifests differently and they often learn to mimic social behavior more smoothly.

Most neurodiverse folks do ultimately seem to get it together at some point though (hence assortative mating theories), and that does stand true for myself, everyone in my family (all ASD, ADHD, ASPD), and all the many neurodiverse friends in my orbit.

To be clear, I don't consider myself to have ASD, although I certainly have some of the personality traits associated with it. But regardless of subjective categorizations, I think your suggestions are pertinent and I appreciate them. One of the hardest things for me is not being a pessimist and pre-supposing failure. My last girlfriend was on my case for that a lot, where I would presume something wasn't going to work out at the earliest resistance.

 

[Pawaini]

The feeling I have is like falling off the edge of a cliff in slow motion. There are handholds I can grab onto, so I will occasionally, but without much effort as I know that they won't hold out for very long and I'm going to keep falling.

Everything feels abstract now. I can't take any potential path in life seriously. I have a Good Education and a Successful Career. I spent such a large proportion of my life building that and it feels like it was for nothing. The only thing I want to spend my money on is drugs, but even that handhold I don't really believe in. I spent most of my life motivated by love and the idea that I could have a partnership and a family like my parents have. But the evidence so far suggests that I'm not built to be with another person. I've never been happy in a relationship, even though I've spent most of my adult life within them.

When I was younger I was always motivated by something to work towards. I don't feel that way about anything now.

My only friends are people who I do drugs with. I've lost any other friends I've had over the years. Not that I was ever terribly close with any of them anyway. I've only been very close with my girlfriends, and they got sick of me and my calculator-head eventually. My relationships ended because of how I am, not because of anything I did.

I've been in a state that at least resembles dysthymia for the last two-and-a-half years or so, during most of which I was in a relationship, but it hasn't improved now that I've been single for half a year. It's independent of active drug use as I was mostly abstinent during that time, and for a good four years prior.

I've been taking stupid risks lately, unnecessary ones. It makes me feel something. The drugs do too, but it's very fleeting.

I've tried both exercise and therapy but neither of them changed anything. I've considered SSRIs but the idea of being on any drug every day scares me, and it would be sad to lose the strong emotional response I get from my unadulterated joys (novels, video games, dreams). Sometimes I even fantasize about daily opioid use, but I'm not at that point of recklessness. I've considered doing social physical activities like mountain climbing or something but I don't really want to do that, so I would be spending my time play-acting.

What do you do when you feel like there are no good options, that whatever way you go you would just be going through the motions? I would love to hear from someone who has been through something similar, and what they did to attenuate it.

Hello, i can relate precisely when you mention your parents relationship,

In my case, the post idealization and realization, from radically detach my self from that specific foundation, impacted the way how, and how often escalated a self destructive cycle.

I also experienced as you do, undoing motivation potentiality from everything.

Depersonalization appears to minimize delusions but only adds more misery.

Unbearable infinite despair void lead me to reformulate existence into beliefs, like hedonism and nihilism, after attempt rationalization.

Introducing false self into philosophy, apart me from my only unwanted reality.

For a while existencial reads as educates the rejoice of life regrow.

Not knowing about my mental disorder, and how unable to regularte emotions I am,
after a personal failure, everything goes down spiral and keeps going to present

As you describing the feels, I suggest you to ask your psychiatrist if borderline personality disorder could be a possible cause of your delusional void.

I decided to prolong my false self agony, abusing drugs,

I’m unable to reformulate or terminate a life time of personal overrated preconceptions based on my own idealized version of society expectations and beliefs.

I feel exactly as you, falling, for moments I can stop and just float. Then falling again and speeds.

What helping me right now with delusional emotions and emptiness?

1. Share my story. Writing is a way to cope with isolation despair and identify, accept and move on, from traumatic situations.

2- Acceptance, Detaching my reality from fantasizing, idealization over general or specific misconception and expectation.

The next it’s from my cognitive therapist and it helped me. I used to suffer exaggerated anguish from others tradegies.

2- Modulte Emotions. identify the source. It’s mine or other.

If it’s from other, let people solve their own problems. Don’t give your opinion or offer to solve it, if people is not asking it’s because they dont. want or need your help.

If is yours, ask what if you can do to solve it. If you can’t look or ask for help.

Stop making yours others lives.