Hi, ive been spiralling for a bit now. Ive been cutting myself which its been years since i did that. Drinking way more alcohol, generally feeling helpless, like i have nothing to live for. Like im working but its not distracting me enough. I believe i am not ever gonna find love qith a special someone. Its been a few years since. I literally have no friends. Ive got noone to talk to to offer me comfort, affection etc.
So why? Why am i still here. Who cares.
How do i stop self sabotaging, my inner critic is fuking my mind up.
You know, some people do care. Even when on paper, and in retrospect, in mortal cognitive ways it seems like we shouldn’t.
For some, appearing to care is more for artificial CV brownie points. The world is quite uncaring on the whole, but not entirely.
I know life’s hardships. I’m 41 now, I couldn’t even consider or attempt romance of any sort, since 2005 due to abnormal crazy allergies, respiratory symptoms, permanent infections with no immunity, plus true chronic fatigue prevents me from any sort of ordinary life, basic friendships.
I used to fend new wanna be friends off, no joke, I felt like a Fox at times, every hound wanting a piece.
I feel most of my past friends have been a true letdown as well, through the years of such an intense, enduring life.
I haven’t the energy to make or keep new friendships, though I’m still very good and purely natural with, and well liked by people, so in a sense I’m friends with everyone I know.
I won’t downplay loneliness. But one thing, long term physical suffering and having no possible way to live any regular normal life no matter what I do, all I yearn for is beyond survival, comfort, enough energy, simple space to inhabit, and easier, more restful living, with the emphasis on a degree of comfort again.
Seems so hard to achieve, let alone maintain. Possibility too, would be nice.
For example, it’s not natural that I live with my mum out of requirement, at 41, despite her being a driving anxiety force for my very substantial anxiety condition.
I see no possible, or worthwhile way I could say, catch a train to nearby London for a day out.
Or spend a night away from home, somewhere, somehow, with all the absurd complications allergies and immune disorder bring.
Just examples. I’ve discovered a beautiful thing through the prolonged hardship and suffering.
Beyond the physical, I’m really so free. Pain has helped me realise that. I honestly feel, in the long run, it will be worth it.
I say, keep digging. There’s always some more space to move into. It takes time sometimes, and often pain.
But they say don’t give up for good reason.
I am sorry for you feeling so lonely. We can have all the people around us in the world though and still feel equally lonely, I believe.
I hope you find loose, easy non serious simple engagement on this forum to help with a little distraction, not just catching your attention, but taking your mind off things, by hearing others. It does happen.
There’s a few nerds around like everywhere, I’ve got zero issues personally with a single member here.
There’s a lot of clever people, and also a lot of caring people too.
So do stick around I say, even just to drop in and say hi anywhere.
That’s what I do basically…..then they all start demanding….Evidence! Lol.
I wish you strength. It is hard, i know.
