New to dating someone with a child

[Lucy20]

@Lucy20 you seem serious about this guy, which is great. However, I just wanted to add the viewpoint that his kid isn’t just for summer, this kid is forever.

Right now it’s just the summer, but that could change for any number of reasons. If you stay with this guy, then you will end up being a caregiver/role model for his son, possibly year round.

I’m all about a kid having as many positive role models as possible, just tbc. I guess it’s just a question of how you feel about being committed to both of them.

Keep a place to go to for a breather; the kid does sound like a handful.

I have to admit that as much as i love him i am also questioning if its something i could do and be happy for it. Taking on a well behaved child is alot. One with issues is hard.
The kid needs stability and right now the mother isn't giving that so the father has to. I couldn't love a man who didn't want the best for his child. He is almost as new to this as me so he is still learning
We have talked about boundaries, common respect and behavior and my boyfriend is trying, but he is not being 100% committed to it. He says he wants to slowly start discipline (take away games/time out) because of the situation and he is scared of his son thinking he is mean. It has to be consistent through but i don't really have much say
I want this to work but it is hard because i don't know my place yet. I won't discipline the kid unless im told to. I don't want to overstep.
Confusing situation thats for sure

 

[Jabberwocky]

For my point of view, it's a top form of cuckery to raise someone elses child. I can't give you anyways critique for your decisions and if you're happy, it's fine. What comes to the child, tell your man to man the fuck up. Boys need strong male figures in their life and if your man is such a whimp and lets the kid do what he wants, it wont end well. Teach the kid conservative manners. The kid needs to respect the father, to look up to him, to see him as the hero of his life. I have no children, so i can't teach you much, but i can atleast tell what i think.

 

[Lucy20]

For my point of view, it's a top form of cuckery to raise someone elses child. I can't give you anyways critique for your decisions and if you're happy, it's fine. What comes to the child, tell your man to man the fuck up. Boys need strong male figures in their life and if your man is such a whimp and lets the kid do what he wants, it wont end well. Teach the kid conservative manners. The kid needs to respect the father, to look up to him, to see him as the hero of his life. I have no children, so i can't teach you much, but i can atleast tell whrat i think.

Thats how i was raised, very conservatively and my boyfriend was raised by hippies . While i don't agree with violence, some punishment is needes.
My boyfriend is taking the easy way out and it is hard because i disagree with that
By now i have talked extensively with him about punishment and i just bluntly told him that if he doesn't stay consistent we will be visiting his son in jail.
His response, "well at least he's not a brat " wtf?? Lol yes he is

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Thats how i was raised, very conservatively and my boyfriend was raised by hippies . While i don't agree with violence, some punishment is needes.
My boyfriend is taking the easy way out and it is hard because i disagree with that
By now i have talked extensively with him about punishment and i just bluntly told him that if he doesn't stay consistent we will be visiting his son in jail.
His response, "well at least he's not a brat " wtf?? Lol yes he is

He's not a brat? Actually, he's worst. He's spitting on strangers and even that will pale in comparison to what he will be doing soon. Your boyfriend's attitude about the situation would be a major turn off for me. I know you have to deal with the son for summer, but I wouldn't even put myself through a day of that torture, let alone a season. Your only hope is that this kid doesn't end up spending even more time with you guys in the near future.

 

[Lucy20]

He's not a brat? Actually, he's worst. He's spitting on strangers and even that will pale in comparison to what he will be doing soon. Your boyfriend's attitude about the situation would be a major turn off for me. I know you have to deal with the son for summer, but I wouldn't even put myself through a day of that torture, let alone a season. Your only hope is that this kid doesn't end up spending even more time with you guys in the near future.

Brat was to kind a word. I can see why my boyfriend feels bad and his upbringing doesn't help. I love this guy more than anything but this situation is putting it through the test.
I kinda eluded to him this morning that i couldn't handle being around a kid unless he starts getting consistent with punishment.
He said he would do more and agrees with me that it needs to be done and now he knows i may not stick around if this continues.
I hated eluding to that but its the truth and if he loves me and his child the way he claims he will start.
Wait and see i guess

 

[Iceman1216]

Lucy, Hows it going with Dad and the brat?? Boys are tough they learn from fear, should very rarely be physical. I spanked my son 3xs in 22 years {I think it bothered me long term much more then him Lol} But we have had long conversations about what worked and what did not in his childhood!!
All is Well

 

[Derschieber]

Step parenting is extremely difficult.
Most step-parents in hind-sight report that they would not choose to do it again with what they know now.
There are some books written on the subject. I strongly recommend that you BOTH get hold of one and read it together.
You will not regret it.

 

[yepyepwoah]

So this lil' shit is only around for the summer, then you're free? Just grin and bear it. It'll be over soon. This is why I do not want anyone with kids. I chose not to have kids for a reason and I'm damn sure not putting up with someone else's brat.

He really should've been disciplined with a belt on his ass by his parents, but he's getting older and it will be too late.hings will only get worst with him, he's completely out of control. They've created a monster.

My only memories of being hit with a belt make me think less of my parents. I see them as weak and not deserving of respect for hitting a defenseless child. Strange they stopped when I was big enough to hit back.

Anyone have any positve memories of being hit as a kid? Anyone think it made them a better person?

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

My only memories of being hit with a belt make me think less of my parents. I see them as weak and not deserving of respect for hitting a defenseless child. Strange they stopped when I was big enough to hit back.

Anyone have any positve memories of being hit as a kid? Anyone think it made them a better person?

I'm sorry for your experience.

I'm well aware many people are against it and really there's no point of explaining myself further. Discipline is necessary though.

 

[Lucy20]

Lucy, Hows it going with Dad and the brat?? Boys are tough they learn from fear, should very rarely be physical. I spanked my son 3xs in 22 years {I think it bothered me long term much more then him Lol} But we have had long conversations about what worked and what did not in his childhood!!
All is Well

Things are slowly improving, slowly. I had to basically give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Teach the kid some respect or i couldn't handle being around. I hated to but it worked and it was true.
He has taken away the computer for lying to me yesterday.
My boyfriend is overcoming the guilt and i think he finally gets that discipline is for the betterment of his child life.
Thank you everyone for your suggestions, i really do appreciate them all.
The kid is smart and deep down has some compassion and it breaks my heart to see neglect so im glad of the outcome because with my anxiety and depression and newly sober , if things didn't change i would have to walk away.
There should be a test before you can have a child

 

[Lucy20]

I'm sorry for your experience.

I'm well aware many people are against it and really there's no point of explaining myself further. Discipline is necessary though.

I was spanked as a kid and it gave me a healthy fear of my parents. I knew of i did wrong i got a smack. It sure was a deterrent. Some parents go overboard but i don't think a couple slaps is going to ruin a child.
But what do i know , i turned out a junkie with no kids lol

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

I was spanked as a kid and it gave me a healthy fear of my parents. I knew of i did wrong i got a smack. It sure was a deterrent. Some parents go overboard but i don't think a couple slaps is going to ruin a child.
But what do i know , i turned out a junkie with no kids lol

Yeah obviously I don't mean beat them until they're bloody and raw. Like you said, a few spankings won't ruin anyone and it will teach respect.

I turned out a mess too, but my brain was already screwed.

 

[cduggles]

Things are slowly improving, slowly. I had to basically give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Teach the kid some respect or i couldn't handle being around. I hated to but it worked and it was true.
He has taken away the computer for lying to me yesterday.
My boyfriend is overcoming the guilt and i think he finally gets that discipline is for the betterment of his child life.
Thank you everyone for your suggestions, i really do appreciate them all.
The kid is smart and deep down has some compassion and it breaks my heart to see neglect so im glad of the outcome because with my anxiety and depression and newly sober , if things didn't change i would have to walk away.
There should be a test before you can have a child

Great to know things are going better. ?

 

[nuttynutskin]

I turned out a mess too, but my brain was already screwed.

That's not exactly great evidence for your argument. Spanking a few times in the kid's life is one thing but using a belt is overboard. If you have to hit your kid with a belt you've already failed at parenting.

 

[Lucy20]

That's not exactly great evidence for your argument. Spanking a few times in the kid's life is one thing but using a belt is overboard. If you have to hit your kid with a belt you've already failed at parenting.

I agree with you there. I got a couple slaps on my hand and that scared me enough. Taking a belt to a child is abusive imo.

With this kid, taking away his computer time is far more devastating then violence. We don't know what he sees with his mother because he won't talk about his mother at all (wich breaks my heart because you can tell he has been neglected and probably hit alot)

Im teaching him how to hold a fork properly ffs. It's sad. I am happy my boyfriend finally woke up but in a few weeks he goes back to Germany with his mother and everything we taught him will be undone

Hopefully getting consistent discipline and getting taught how to be a good person during the summer sticks with him. He will know though that there are boundaries and soon he may wonder why his mother dont give a f

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

^ It seems like things are going in the right direction with the kid in your home so that's wonderful! I'm also hoping that what you teach him sticks with him. Things are looking up at least.

That's not exactly great evidence for your argument. Spanking a few times in the kid's life is one thing but using a belt is overboard. If you have to hit your kid with a belt you've already failed at parenting.

Great evidence of what? I really didn't get spanked as a kid because I was a perfect angel. ? lol

My illnesses progressed as I got older just because...
It wasn't due to being spanked or anything like that.

 

[nuttynutskin]

^ It seems like things are going in the right direction with the kid in your home so that's wonderful! I'm also hoping that what you teach him sticks with him. Things are looking up at least.



Great evidence of what? I really didn't get spanked as a kid because I was a perfect angel. ? lol

My illnesses progressed as I got older just because...
It wasn't due to being spanked or anything like that.

Sorry I think I mixed 2 posts up. I still stand by what I said tho.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Sorry I think I mixed 2 posts up. I still stand by what I said tho.

I hear ya'. In this case, @Lucy20 knows taking the computer away is punishment enough for him so that's wise.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I think the number one thing for a kid is CONSISTENCY in parenting, and it sounds like this kid has had none unfortunately.

 

[Benzorider]

IF I was to spit on strangers when i was a kid i would get a billiard cue smacked on my back... What a punk.

Seems to me there should be some consequense put in to action. No toys, not PlayStation or whatever if he is too disturbing.

Play good cop, bad cop hahaaha. ?