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Molly_Girl

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
13
Hi all,

I've been reading Bluelight for quite some time and finally decided to join. I am pretty overwhelmed at the moment and will try to be brief rather than blabber on forever.

In a nutshell, here is my story- I was a heroin addict for 5 years and got clean when I was 22. Stayed clean for over 3 years, built my life back up, live on my own, employed, go to school, reasonably happy, etc. In the beginning of the summer I started experimenting going out and discovered that I really loved the rave scene, especially because I missed out on "partying" and having fun when I was younger when most people get into it. I enjoyed myself totally sober for a little while and then started meeting and talking to people who did MDMA.

I kind of knew what it was, but I never really gave MDMA much thought. I always thought I was an opiate purist and wasn't interested in any other kind of high. When I was hanging out with someone who had ecstasy and asked me if I wanted to try some, I didn't really give it a second thought thinking "how harmful can this little pill be".

Well, I'm sure I am preaching to the choir, but it was the best drug experience I have ever had, and was completely unexpected. All I could think was why did I choose to numb myself for so many years when I could've been doing this? I loved it immediately... the problem is, a little too much.

My "addict" way of thinking was unleashed and I did it 3 days in a row, with no sleep. By the third day it was nothing but the negative side effects. But I couldn't stop replaying that first second when the surge hit and kept trying to recreate it.

Anyway, since then (July) I've been doing it about once a week, spending lots of money on stuff that mostly sucks. Two Saturdays ago at a rave I met someone who had "molly" and I gave it a try and oh boy, I experienced everything I read on here about what MDMA should feel like.

Since I met that guy 2 weeks ago, I have been doing it 2-3 times a week. I've discovered taking ambien or klonopin to get to sleep to avoid the come down but the next day the depression is so bad that it is borderline suicidal. I keep trying to not be an addict... I keep trying to monitor my dose, only do it on weekends, not let it interfere with school and work, but I can't control it. Knowing that it is a terrible idea (based on what I've read here) to even roll more than once a month does not stop me. Even though I know the come downs are only going to get worse and I already need a much higher dose to roll for a shorter amount of time, I know that I am not done. I am much too in love with the moment it hits, the moment the floor starts to move, the moment the lights become amazing, the moment I become more emotionally open with people than I've ever been in my life.

I have 3 more caps and am trying to wait until tomorrow to do them because I rolled last night. We'll see how that works out.

Another side note, I have been on Wellbutrin for depression for 3 years. I don't take it when I roll. Also, I have an autoimmune condition that I am sure this is not helping. I know very well how to take care of myself physically and I have not been doing it lately.

I guess that is all. It's already nice to know that I'm not alone. Thanks for listening.
 
Molly_Girl said:
I am much too in love with the moment it hits, the moment the floor starts to move, the moment the lights become amazing, the moment I become more emotionally open with people than I've ever been in my life.
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the "good" thing about mdma in this sense is that if you overdo it, you will lose the magic. there are a lot of people who overdo it when they discover mdma (once a week or even more often), but most of them stop altogether after around a year. it will not hit you in the way it does not, the lights will not become amazing and the emotionally opening effects will be next to none. you will still feel some effects (mainly altered perception and confusion) and of course the side effects, but the true mdma high and the euphoria that comes with it will not be possible anymore, even if you increase your dose to obscene amounts.

i don't know, apparently knowing the health risks don't help you to use it respsonsibly, but maybe the thought of losing the ability to roll forever (or at least for many years) could be an incentive to use it more sparingly?
 
Hi,
Welcome to BL.

I'm a few weeks off Heroin, used to roll a lot and have an autoimmune disorder… I know the depression from the drug. It can be debilitating. I relate.
True what Black says, and for me I couldn't keep increasing tolerance using all arounders like straight uppers/downers…

Thank you for sharing… :)
 
Molly_Girl said:
I am much too in love with the moment it hits, the moment the floor starts to move, the moment the lights become amazing, the moment I become more emotionally open with people than I've ever been in my life
Click to expand...

This is the reason that you should be doing the exact opposite. If you dont abuse it, you could enjoy this feeling for the rest of your life. But you will screw it up, and most likely screw yourself up, just like the majority of people on here.

I dont get it. i love MDMA just as much as you and everyone else. Its magical. Which is why i DON'T abuse it. Because then the magic is gone and im just chasing a high ill never get again. Now wheres the fun in that?
 
My incentive not to overuse MDMA is knowing the HELL it's causing inside my brain and the long term, irreparable damage that is occurring, not to mention the whole suicidal thing, that sucks and isn't worth it. I went through a bout with MDMA myself, using once a week for a while, sometimes a couple rolls in a week, and doing things like rolling all day. Pretty sure I can still feel the damage to this day, I've never felt the same after that. Bad bad bad......
 
You're using way too much. MDMA will only work well if your brain has good serotonin reserve levels. You keep doing it as much as you do and soon you'll have no serotonin to release.... Let's not forget risky binding action that when overused leads to twitches.
 
Molly_Girl, you seem to be well aware of the drawbacks of abuse and the benefits of moderation, and to be having a problem with addiction, not with lack of knowledge. I encourage you to hold off on taking any more MDMA for as long as you can. You've broken an addiction before so you can do it again. You might also want to check out BL's The Dark Side forum for more help and support.
 
You're going to be in a world of hell if u keep going, like others have said all those good effects of mdma will completely fade away with more use and most likely you will end up getting back on heroin to ease the horribly bad mental effects of the mdma long term comedown (many of my friends went through this same process and it hurts to see)
 
Thank you all so so much for your honest feedback.

lostsoul.On.E said:
This is the reason that you should be doing the exact opposite. If you dont abuse it, you could enjoy this feeling for the rest of your life. But you will screw it up, and most likely screw yourself up, just like the majority of people on here.

I dont get it. i love MDMA just as much as you and everyone else. Its magical. Which is why i DON'T abuse it. Because then the magic is gone and im just chasing a high ill never get again. Now wheres the fun in that?
Click to expand...

i suppose this and certain things others have said similarly that the issue here with me is really addict sucks. I wish I could roll once a month and have that be it but something in my brain keeps telling me that I need more, that I want to feel that way all the time.

I started comparing drugs and rationalized that trying e couldn't possibly bring me to any sort of bottom, especially not the ones I'm used to.

I feel like I am rambling and I am because needless to say and despite all the support and factual information, I used it. The rest of what I had. If I did not have this tolerance the amount I took tonight would have me wrecked but it was just barely mild.Went downtown (yeah, nyc is cool like that) and just sat with all of the stragglers in the part seeking some sort of human connection. Of course, the first person who seems relatively chill and normal, found out within 5 minutes of talking that he has 11 years in a 12 step fellowship. Layed my guts out to him, we got on the same train to go uptown together, and by the time I got off of the train (2 hrs after dose) I was just done for and knew I needed to be home. If I didn't have a stupid drug addicted brain, I would've been able to save what I had for the weekend and have one great night. I just want to be high all the time.

I hope some of this is making sense. I also took 2 ambien about 15 mins ago and shit is starting to spin and fade out.

I am so thankful there is a place like this online that I can come to. You are all awesome (and that isn't just the residual MDMA wearing off) :)
 
Molly_Girl said:
Thank you all so so much for your honest feedback.



i suppose this and certain things others have said similarly that the issue here with me is really addict sucks. I wish I could roll once a month and have that be it but something in my brain keeps telling me that I need more, that I want to feel that way all the time.

I started comparing drugs and rationalized that trying e couldn't possibly bring me to any sort of bottom, especially not the ones I'm used to.

I feel like I am rambling and I am because needless to say and despite all the support and factual information, I used it. The rest of what I had. If I did not have this tolerance the amount I took tonight would have me wrecked but it was just barely mild.Went downtown (yeah, nyc is cool like that) and just sat with all of the stragglers in the part seeking some sort of human connection. Of course, the first person who seems relatively chill and normal, found out within 5 minutes of talking that he has 11 years in a 12 step fellowship. Layed my guts out to him, we got on the same train to go uptown together, and by the time I got off of the train (2 hrs after dose) I was just done for and knew I needed to be home. If I didn't have a stupid drug addicted brain, I would've been able to save what I had for the weekend and have one great night. I just want to be high all the time.

I hope some of this is making sense. I also took 2 ambien about 15 mins ago and shit is starting to spin and fade out.

I am so thankful there is a place like this online that I can come to. You are all awesome (and that isn't just the residual MDMA wearing off) :)
Click to expand...


Hey i understand wat you are saying even though i personally have never been addicted to drugs. I have tried alot of addictive things but im just not the type of person that gets addicted easily i guess. I know mdma makes you feel amazing and you want to feel that way all the time but the truth is after a while mdma wont do nothing for you but damage your serotonin receptors and alot of other shit. So many people come on this forum and cry for help because they have fucked themselves up from abusing mdma, some instances lasting years. you should probably stay away from drugs because it seems you cant conrol yourself. I know its easier said than done but like others said you;ve done it once you can do it again. Everyone is here to help you whether moral support or knowledge and so am i.
 
People can become addicted to chocolate and coffee... It's all about self control and moderation
 
Wooooo ms lady I would slow your roll, I didn't see anything about a test kit witch is a big red flag in my book. mdma abuse leads down an ugly road best avoided by moderation, taking random chemicals all the time will hurt your brain.
 
Molly Girl, I know what you mean by the desire to feel like that all the time. I quit my 2 year addiction in February. I started out doing the once a month thing, but it slowly became more and more. In the end I was taking so much each week, I probably should have died. It's crazy to think about now. I miss it terribly sometimes, but it got easier after about a month of being out of my life. Keep up the good work, and stay away from it for a while. If you feel this way after only a month (I did too, so no judgment here) but you will be playing with fire for a long time to come. my mom said it ends by quitting, death, or jail. i chose option 1. plus... My bank account is very mad at me lol
 
I completely understand where you're coming from as a fairly new MDMA user. I mean in all seriousness, everyone knows that rolling is so much better then been sober but it's physically impossible to enjoy it as much when it's abused, I suffer from mass depression disorder and I'd love to show you how much it's fucked my head from abusing MD. I rolled at least once a week for about 5 months straight, I haven't rolled in 5 weeks and it makes me more excited for my next roll, it doesn't make me crave it more but it's something to look forward to. I know it's hard to break addictions or getting out of a habit before it's too late but you've got to think realistically man. Sure, you can go out and get so fucked up but it needs to be regulated, for your own health but to a lot of people most importantly; so you can have a better time. But anyway, good luck man, I'd like to hear updates on how you're going. Pm me or something man?
 
Thanks for all the support guys. I am still struggling and using despite what I know the consequences are. But I know I can't do this for much longer.
 
Molly girl - the sad thing about addiction is, and I think you know this already, you can't be a part time addict. That is you can't enjoy something in moderation, you're either full throttle or Abstinence.

In afraid to say it but you need to hear it, you can't do Molly anymore.

It's a dangerous drug that can kill you. It's neurotoxicity and will seriously fuck you over if you abuse it (which you're and you know it).

You have switched from one addiction to another.

Would you go back to doing heroin? Would you believe you could do it once a month? Would you out yourself in that situation? NO.

So don't do it to yourself with MDMA.

Be strong, you've already beaten one addiction AND recognised you had an addictive personality AND also you have recognised you have a problem with MDMA. There is more to life than this.

I'm pregnant and have not touched any drug since I found out. Sure there's been times I've reminisced about rolling and thought to myself I can't wait to have that first time rolling when I'm able to safely do so. But since my sobriety I've realised there is SO much more to life than getting high.
 
There is so much more to life. So, so much more. It is very sad how using destroys your (I'll speak for myself) ability to enjoy these other things. I am unfortunately still in that place. Everything else seems dull in comparison. Coming from where I come from, it is a painful place to be in to do what I'm doing and have there be no more room for denial. I'm really happy to hear your story. Gives me a tiny glimmer of hope.

The other thing is, after buying a test kit I discovered that I haven't even been using mdma. What I've been using is DOB or DOI. Probably frying my brain cells.
 
You'll lose all the magic if you do it much more than just at weekends, it'll just be like maintaining a speed addiction. You'll get a tolerance, dependence, need ever increasing amounts & never really get high. I used to know people who needed two pills to get out of bed, back when they were strong & cheap (circa 2000), they were boring people & they never really got high from it. If you do it every weekend for more than a few weeks then the midweek depression will get worse & can turn to paranoia. It weakens your immune system too, so that's another thing to think about with your health condition.

Moderation is the only way to do MDMA properly, you'll never get that magic you're looking for again if you don't take breaks from it.

A healthy diet & a little outdoor exercise (and of course, not taking too much) does wonders for the negative side effects. You need to let your brain & body recover to feel the magic again.

Are you sure it was DOB? The reports on that sound very different to MDMA, it's a long lasting (18+ hour) psychedelic.
 
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