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Neversick November - Getting/Staying Clean Thread

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new day

Hello all... I am trying desperately to quit oxys... Wednesday was the end of my run I used 150 to 180mg daily and tried to taper back. My use has been up and down for the last few months. I managed to go 20 days in September before caving in. For the last several weeks I go 2 to 4 days then bang Up 60 to 90mg then start the insanity again. I made it through Thanksgiving without using through yesterday. I failed again. Today is day one. Kinda I scrounged up 2mg of sub this morning to take the edge off but even doing that I feel like a failure. Im exhosted by the chase. I HOPE that some how today will be the end of this nightmare and the begining of something new. Im all familiar with the pending suffering but im willing to surrender. Someone please pray for me. Im new here but thank you in advance.

J.
 
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Day 84 for me and I feel like getting high. Idk this shit is hard and I have a lot of reservations about smoking a little weed or tripping acid. I absolutely don't want to go back to the needle an I know if I I back to shooting dope that everything will fall apart again. I feel like the only reason I'm sober now is so that I don't have to go to jail and be homeless again. I feel like once I get out of my halfway house an live on my own I will start doing recreational substances again that won't show up on a UA or will get out of my system quickly. I guess the question is can I really only use drugs in moderation? I know that using the needle in moderation and all opiates and meth is out of the question but I have never tried or wanted to use drugs tha are more manageable I guess in moderation. This is the fist time in my drug using career that I have actually gave sobriety a chance. It sucks because I know that I can be successful in school and work if I just stick to weed and some psychedelics an maybe a drink here and thre, but will these drugs lead me back to opiates and to the needle again??

Being sober isn't that bad but I feel I just have some anhedonia lingering around from PAWS.. Fucking sucks. Don't get me wrong I have had some good times in sobreity, but i have been abusing my gabapentin a couple times a weeks which is definitely seeking mood alteration. I love my friends but I also love drugs that let me be outgoing and the life of the party so to speak. I'm stuck in the middle , I know that for the next couple months I am not getting high but the reservations are killing me. Just for today I suppose.

Life is so confusing, so many things I don't understand. I don't know what I want I constantly go bac and forth between sobreity and drugs. Idk it would be nice to hear if you guy also have reservations for the future and if u are struggling in sobreity and how you get through. Am I delusional and crazy for having these thoughts? I have spoken to people about this and some say they think they can only use weed or alcohol in moderation (these were heroin/meth addicts) and some say they absolutely cannot use ANYTHING again.
 
I understand everyone's struggles - starting wds from a very long heroin battle - 7 years - snorting but everyday just to feel normal- cant remember last time I felt high - scared to death of the withdrawal ~don't know if I can do this
 
J and AnneB, Welcome to Blue Light=D you guys can definitely do this.. If I can so can you and I hope to see you sticking around Blue Light and figuring out a plan that will allow you guys to live a peaceful and happy life<3
 
103 days.

Feeling a bit better today. Dancing really helped. Seeing folks extremely inebriated is a great deterrent also. Was a little concerned about my girlfriend who was lugging around a half gallon of whiskey in a duffle bag, and still ready to rage at 5 in the morning. She is a grown woman though and has to figure things out her own way.

I resonate with the "emptiness" inside and that need to fill it with something external. Intentionally going towards healthier ways of coping that create more joy is vital. Still figuring things out myself.
 
"Keep going, Spacker. You may use a few times before you finally stop but what counts is that you're trying n that's all any of us can do is keep trying. I, myself don't count days without opiates because I'm on suboxone n so I feel I'm kind of cheating but I need it to get through the Christmas period n so I can work through my issues."

Thanks for the words of support, Evey. Sobriety is always a lonely and unacknowledged gig for me, so it's nice to get some encouragement. Thank you.

Good luck with jumping off the junk -- for all and any of you trying. Quitting opies makes quitting meth absolutely look like a pansy's job, I can't even imagine the pain you're all in.

2 days sober. Or a day and a half, or something?
 
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