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Needing some insight

C

CatEyez13

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 9, 2014
Messages
5
I am in need of insight on a few different issues. Short history. My fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years but have been friends for over 7. We are very close and have a wonderful relationship. We rarely argue about any thing, we spend time together but are aware that we have to have our own time, and we are very honest with one another. As far as relationships are we have a great one and work to keep it that way.

1. The need to be abused during sex. I have this overwhelming issue and it has put a damper on MY side of the sex life. I love to be abused during sex. I want him to hurt me, say horrible nasty things to me, smack me around, etc. When he doesn't I do not get turned on as much and I do enjoy "vanilla" sex but for me the ultimate turn on and pleasure is for him to hurt me. Therein lies a problem because it turns him on to do those things but he is afraid he will get carried away and hurt me really bad so he will not do it often. For me this is an issue because I want it like that ALL the time, it is what I need to be sexually fulfilled.

2. Threesomes: We have an understanding because both of us have extremely high sex drives that once in a while we will engage in a threesome. Recently we engaged in a threesome on two separate occasions with his ex-wife. Which I know people find it odd but I trust them both and he has no romantic interest in her anymore and vice versa. The issue with the threesomes is the fact I want to do them more often with other people him being included of course. But he does not want this to be an all the time thing. After the first time he seemed very distant for a few days afterwards. I talked to him about it and he said he was just frustrated and it was left at that.

3. Erectile Dysfunction: The first six months to a year was amazing, we were having sex 4 times or more a day and he had no problems keeping an erection. Now its like he will be hard for a little while after we start having sex then he goes soft. The only thing that has changed is the fact that he is not eating Pistachios like he was. Which they are linked in helping blood flow and keeping erections. This is bothersome to me although this may be the reason but it makes me feel like he's not into me like he was. We discussed him talking to the doctor about Viagra but he cannot take it because it causes him heart palpitations.

These are just a few things that I am having issues with and would like some insight from others on to see if anyone else has experienced any of these issues and how to approach them.


 
So, the whole abuse roleplay thing, huge turnoff for me. I used to have this FWB and we fucked like crazy, great sex, but she liked to be choked....and I mean really choked. She liked me to cut off her air supply. I hated this, I don't like doing it. Unfortunately, I know a lot of women actually do like this kind of stuff to a degree and I fear that maybe I am too "vanilla" sometimes. My favorite is hot, slow, deep, passionate, and honestly sometimes my lady will ask for it harder, faster, etc., and I can oblige but I don't very often. I don't think this is as important to my lady though, however it seems to be extremely important to you, so you should definitely discuss it with him. I would want her to tell me.

Threesomes, it sounds like you're way into it and he isn't. I could see him feeling weird or off in the days after, which actually probably means he is just really into you and doesn't want other women. What part of the threesomes do you like most? Is it mostly about you getting to play with another woman's body? Or do you enjoy watching him have sex with another woman? Depending on which it is, you could communicate this to him and perhaps he'd be happier about fulfilling that desire of yours. Perhaps maybe his ex-wife isn't the best choice of partner. Maybe a stranger, or a friend.

ED - I hate to say it but having sex too often will result in this. I remember in my early 20's, me and my girl would bang like rabbits, and although I was plenty horny, and even would be hard to begin with, I would lose it halfway through. It's the worst for the girl though, she will often blame herself.
 
1. You should also consider that maybe he is reluctant to do this because it conflicts with his desire to love and protect you. My ex wanted to be hit in the face and that kind of stuff.. wasn't going to happen. A little light choking is as far as I will go. I'd rather keep the impulse to harm and hurt separate from my desire to love and make love.. it's not something I'd ever want to get confused about. Not to say your desires are unhealthy.. but I'd consider why you need to be abused to feel that turned on.

2. Ex-wife? Wow.. I don't think that's a good idea. And threesomes change the dynamic. If he's really into you again he's likely to feel conflicted if there's another person in the equation.

3. Maybe he's just drained/burned out. Sex is a huge energy expenditure. Four times a day is not going to last forever, physically or mentally. He might have become accustomed to the sex with you now and desensitized too from the physical frequency. Try refraining from sex and masturbation for a week and see what affect that has.. at the very least you'll get a mind blowing orgasm from it.
 
I love being choked even to the point I pass out which he says it kind of scares him how much I like it. He and I have discussed these things in depth. For me I would describe it just as an alcoholic or cutter, it releases the emotional pain and stress from my life. Before him I was a very nasty angry person. Spent 16 years in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man I couldn't trust. But with my fiance I trust him completely. He just tells me that it scares him because he is afraid it will make him enjoy it more then that will fade away and he will have to move on to darker things in order to be turned on. He doesn't want to go in that direction because he's afraid he will end up hurting me. The problem for me is that I want him to hurt me not like seriously but it's like an addiction I need the pain to be satisfied. It makes me think that there is something seriously wrong with me because I need the pain to feel pleasure. I am afraid my dark desires are feeding into his and I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring him into doing something he's afraid of pursuing.

As far as the threesome thing. He has always had threesomes in the majority of his relationships and usually his ex wife was involved in them over the years. The part of the threesome that I enjoy the most is being touched by more than one person. It is like a sensory overload. So many different feelings at once. As far as being into another woman, it's ok and exciting but it would not be something I would do as an individual. I'm attracted to women I like kissing them caressing them but other than that I wouldn't do it on my own. I love watching him please another woman his expression his actions. Throughout the entire encounter even when he was engaged in acts with her he was constantly reaching over touching me, looking at me as if he was reassuring me that yes he was doing stuff with her but he loves me he didn't want me to feel left out. We had discussed threesomes long before we actually had one. He tells me that it is not that he doesn't want to just be with me or that he wants to cheat he says its the fact that he enjoys getting women off and he wants to share that with me because he likes to watch me enjoy myself and be pleasured. When it comes to his ex wife he's always had threesomes and stuff with her from the time they were married and long after they were divorced. We are planning on finding another man to have a threesome with as well. We have discussed these matters in great lengths what is allowed and what is not.

As far as the ED he has this problem quite often even if we haven't had sex or he hasn't masturbated in a while. I think a lot of it may be in his head. As far as us discussing these things, we do in great depths to know and keep ourselves informed of how each of us are feeling. We both believe that suppressing our thoughts and feelings will hurt our relationship a lot more than being honest with one another so we always try to be completely honest and open. There really isn't a whole lot we don't talk about. I am a brutally honest person and so is he.
 
I know he loves me and wants to protect me. He enjoys doing the things I do he's just afraid that it will progress to the point he will physically hurt me badly. I love to be smacked in the face, my hair pulled so hard I will have a stiff neck the next day, choked to the point of blacking out, etc. We do make love, he is soft and tender and I love it but I love being hurt even more. Its like a release for me. That's the problem I am having the most is if my dark desires to be abused is a problem. To me it seems to be a bit of a problem for him because he's afraid it will get out of control because he enjoys doing it and does not want to go to that level.

When it comes to his ex wife that was more for me than it was him. Before it even happened he said that he had no desire to have sex with her but since I wanted her to be part of it he would do it. I trust her, she has no feelings for him. I watched them together and I have not one ounce of jealousy because I know he loves me and she is just a pawn in the equation. He has been having threesomes the majority of his adult life and most of the time even after they were divorced he has had them with her and his partner at the time. I have known this about him for 8 years and as he has told me from the beginning I know him I know he has an extremely high sex drive and likes to engage in these activities and until recently I had never had a threesome and have always wanted to try it to see if I like it. I enjoy it a lot, the physical contact is amazing. Which I really wonder if this bothers him that I want to do it more often. He said before that he just wanted to do it a few times a year and he would be good. I however would like to do it a lot more often. I think that bothers him because maybe it makes him feel like he's not enough, which is not the case. I love him and I enjoy just being with him. I could be with no one else but him the rest of my life but knowing we are both into these kinds of things works out because if that spark is starting to fade away we just add another person and its back. It really does make us closer, trust each other deeper, and it makes me want him even more. During the times it has happened, even when he is engaged in activities with the other person he reaches over and touches me or looks at me as if he's trying to give me comfort that he loves me and isn't leaving me out. He has told me that maybe its something we will do for a while and he might decide he doesn't want to do it anymore. He said he has no desire to have sex with another and if he does he wants me to be involved and share the experience with him which I enjoy that. I like watching him please someone.

As far as being burnt out, he has an overly high sex drive to begin with and I understand that it does take a lot of energy. We have tried refraining from sex and masturbation for long periods of time but the ED is still an issue. I think a lot of it is in his head for the most part but then again he is diabetic so I know that is an issue for him also. I really don't have a lot of an issue with this problem except for the fact it's a problem for him. I know it upsets him and makes him feel inadequate. But for me I really could care less if he could never get it up again. I enjoy sex immensely with him but if it came down to it and he could not have intercourse anymore I would be ok with that. Intercourse for me is overrated for the most part. I enjoy everything foreplay, caressing, etc more than I do actual intercourse. I don't know I love him more deeply and intensely than I have ever loved any man. I trust him completely. I believe that there isn't anything that we as a couple can't work through and compromise on as long as we stay open and honest with one another. He knows this I reassure him every day we are together.
 
To OP:

You left out important info.

shooting in the dark, but your fiance is passive/aggressive. his flacidity is telling you what you didn't hear from his words-namely, that he is very resistant to causing you pain.

our arousal climate is usually pretty fixed by the age of 18. If you were married for 16 years, then abuse of some sort has been sonething you have sought. trauma distorts personality temporarily. Either your desire for erotic asphyxiation is sudden and from deep trauma, or its not a stress reliver stemming from your ex husbands abuse.

ever ask yourself why your husbands ex wife has played a prominant thread in your fiances sexual desires?
 
Ooops. can't seem to edit. in the last paragraph, i meant why your fiances ex looms so large in his sexual antics. lol!
 
sex wise the angry sex is fine

threesome with ex wife= not so clever

erectile dysfunction can be psychological as well as physical
 
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