Need some perspective "

[pandas]

I'm an alcoholic and lapsed last night. I had five rum and cokes at home, alone. I know why...stress. I am sole caretaker of my stepdad who is in terminal Stage IV pancreatic cancer. Bio parents deceased. Brother severe heroin addict...no clue where he is...hopefully alive.

Anyway, I'm done with my "lapse"...having a Diet Coke and took OTC painkiller for hangover prevention. I know the above isn't justification for my lapse...I do think it's good that I know my trigger. I'm not an AA person but see my therapist on Thursday. At the height of my addiction, anytime was a good time for drinking. I no longer feel that way although I do have cravings.

Basically I have a lot clean time under my belt, I am trying to see this as a lapse. I feel like it's not a relapse....I am cool but I just fucked up last night. I have my head back on task,etc. Alcohol has been my only addiction and my living environment is "clean" and supportive.

I want to ask my stepdad if we can get the alcohol out of the house...he used to drink but can't stomach it anymore due to cancer. (Having no alcohol in my environment has helped me stay clean. I recently moved back to his house to be his caretaker until he, well, dies. .

That said, I don't want to stress him out by telling him I drank.

Any suggestions? I have no physical dependency so detox is not needed nor do I feel like I need rehab. Plus, he's been so good to me and he needs me. There is no one else to help him.

Thanks for any input. I think I got a handle on this....I just feel guilty. I have OCD and I tend to ruminate.

pandas

 

[pandas]

delete........

 

[deadendgame]

Hey panda. Listen, alcohol is not good for you, although that is not really what you want to hear. The reason why it is cheap is because it is a shit drug. You can get it anywhere, even down the street from your local 711, so that is why no one can stop you because alcohol is not a controlled substance and you can literally get it from anywhere at anytime. That being said, it does matter how much and how long you drink. These factors determine how bad your cirrhosis is if you eventually get it. Let me also tell you something, that alcohol withdrawal is not fun either. There is a strategy that drug users use to cut down or quit a substance. That is, they take less and less of the substance each day until they eventually don't take it at all. If you are strong enough, I would go cold turkey. It is hard, but it will yield the biggest results. Now, you see why alcohol is a horrible drug. For that small buzz, you are paying a very high price for it. That is why alcohol is the worst drug in my opinion. I usually don't tell people this because people seem to love alcohol, but I really want to help you. Just don't do it. Keep it out of reach!

 

[Felonious Monk]

^not really sure what that's about but you're past that point... plus only 1 night, you're fine. just don't let yourself get into the "relapse mentality"

You're strong enough to not drink again.

You should get the alcohol out of the house though. If that's been part of your sobriety it's essential that the temptation is removed. You don't even need to tell your stepdad--just tell him you didn't have any alcohol in your house and since he doesn't drink you'd feel more comfortable if there wasn't any alcohol here now (I assume he knows you don't drink anymore).

Don't feel bad or like you're imposing. You're there to help, and to be able to help you need to feel comfortable and be emotionally available.

If you want to be honest with him that might even be a good idea, it'll just build a closer bond and if he had any reservations about throwing out the booze I would hope that would overcome it.

 

[herbavore]

^great post. I agree, Pandas. Don't waste any more time or mental energy on feeling bad about it. It was a temptation and you reverted to something that felt like help in the past. It makes sense so nothing to be ashamed of. The point is that you set about changing this behavior because it did not work and you still have that knowledge within you. When you talk to your therapist maybe you could brainstorm some ideas for when you are feeling particularly stressed.

I know how stressful it can be caring for someone with cancer. My husband has a rare form of lymphoma but strangely his symptoms come and resolve (with the upping of his dose of prednisone). I can't imagine how much more stressful it would be if they never resolved. If you have the resources, try to reward yourself with a massage or some other really nurturing body work.

I don't think it will stress your stepfather to just ask to remove the alcohol--I don't even think you need to say anything about the drinking unless it feels right during the conversation. Sometimes I do better when I expose my weak moments to others and sometimes it serves me better to keep them to myself and carry on. Your call on this one.

You are doing a very honorable thing by taking care of your step dad as he ends his life. It's a pretty powerful time IME. People sometimes let a lot of unnecessary layers fall away when their death is staring them in the face. Being emotionally open during the process is a state of grace I have not experienced any other way in life. Balancing the stress so that you can be present will benefit not only your stepdad but you as well.