Hello guys,
I am going to ask for some controversial advice.
Before I do so, I would like to say that I do not want, or appreciate, any advice telling me to change my mind.
After a few decades I have realised that there is only one option for me.
I want to find out what pills I can acquire and use to end my life in the most painless way possible. I have a severe alcohol habit which makes me sick if I don't drink. Family and friends have deserted me, I cannot hold down a job and need a way out.
My life has been a complete mess, I'm done with it.
I am willing to fly around the world to find a pharmacy that can sell me something like methaqualone which I can knock back with some booze to make sure of things.
I have been through all kinds of counselling, please please please do not post asking me to reconsider.
I am in a similar situation. I am also "autistic/aspergers" (although I hate the label b/c it only serves to make excuses and take away responsibility for my actions). I have a very high IQ but have always been socially awkward and never had a lot of friends. Of the few good friends I have, they have told me that their other friends think they're weird for hanging out with me.
When I was 16, I discovered weed and realized that it made me a lot more self-conscious (in a good way) and more conscious of how others were feeling. I needed weed in order to socialize properly. The weed helped a lot, but it also led me to make friends with people who did harder drugs.
When I started smoking weed, my idiot dad freaked out, took me out of school, and sent me to treatment by force (I was under 18. I knew that the weed wasn't bad for me and that my dad was overreacting. At 19, I thought the same thing when my dad freaked out about my heroin use (only this time I was very, very wrong).
I ended up getting with a nice girl who is from my mom's home town overseas. This was about a year before I became a junkie. I married that girl and was with her for 10 years. She meant everything to me. But she was not the type to do drugs, and so she slowly started to resent me more and more for being a junkie and not working/going to school.
As I have discussed in anothet thread, I ended up getting her a US immigrant visa only to literally drive her out of the country within 3 months due to my drug use and violence.
She is now back home in her country, at 28, living with her parents (who think I'm crazy), and has spoken to me just once in 4 months.
It's as if I got drunk and ran over my own child with a pickup truck. There's no "getting over it." Even with Xanax and alcohol every day, I still suffer 24/7, not to mention the guilt and shame over what I did to her and her family.
Part of me wants to fix myself so that I can get her back, but part of me thinks it's pointless to try and just wants to die. The part that wants to die seems to be winning, since I don't get out of bed except to go to my psychiatrist appointments.
I am not in the US right now. If I was, I would have probably OD'ed on purpose by now. I did attempt suicide back in March, but since I can't get H where I am, I just took a bunch of benzos and alcohol and tried to hang myself, but it didn't work.
After getting sent to, and escaping from, the looney bin (this is in a 3rd world country), I decided I would try and improve myself. It doesn't seem to be working too well, though.
I wish there was a simple, painless way to die, just for when I decide I don't want to try anymore.