NEED HELP! My Dad is going into a major depression

[Rantanplan]

Hello there,
I would like to ask, what I can do, because my Dad (stepfather) is running into a major depression.
But before you will say the next logical thing - he refuses to go to a doctor.

Background:
He used to drink a lot of beer in his life (but not at work and mostly at the weekend). He is tall and always a friendly person. Even when he was heavily drunk, he never got angry. Okay, two times it happend in 15 years, when he raises his voice and was very harsch - but that was all. So at no time his family, or his job, or whatever had a bad time with him.

In the last half year he began to drink less and less. Sure he had his time when he was drunk, but not so often anymore. So his wife (my mom) is still often drunk, when he is not. And in the last months he began to seem like really depressed.
Today I was there for Sunday eating and I realized again, that something is wrong with him. I ask him twice (when my Mom was not there), but he refused to speak about his situation.
And when he drove me back to my home, I told him again that I know, that he is running into a major depression and I offered my help. The only thing he said is, that it has nothing to do with my Mom (and me).
And while I am writing this I remembered that he told some months ago, that he lost his faith in humanity.


So I wrote this, that you have a some kind of picture of the situation.
What I know is (and what is clear), from the chemical brain side, that he lacks of serotonin. So what can I do?

I know that a doctor would be a good choice, but he refuses always to go to a doctor (even if he is injured, he is going always to late to doctor). So this is not an option.
To give a mind a rest, some kind of drugs is may be a way to go. He used to drink in the past, but he realized that it is not good for him and his healthiness, plus he is getting older (towards 60) so drinking is more exhausting than in younger days (this is what he said).

I used to smoke with him three times and he had some fun, but he was not really comfortable with it. At that time he said, a beer is better than a joint.
What kind of drug could he use to get a little rest of his depression? In the past I often talked to him about drugs, so this is not a unknown area to him.
I know is not good to give an advice in that situation over the internet, but anyway you could be possibly there and because of that, you can may be give an advice.

 

[aihfl]

The problem with recreational drugs is there is always a price to pay when it wears off and you end up feeling worse than before you took it. I know you say he won't see a doctor, but IME he really needs to see a doctor and get prescribed an antidepressant(s). Otherwise I'd say weed, but you said he's not into it.

 

[Rantanplan]

The problem with recreational drugs is there is always a price to pay when it wears off and you end up feeling worse than before you took it. I know you say he won't see a doctor, but IME he really needs to see a doctor and get prescribed an antidepressant(s). Otherwise I'd say weed, but you said he's not into it.

I know that this is a two side sword. But not every recreational drug works that way. Also many antidepressant are really bad and are fucking your brain in a long term.

 

[Xorkoth]

Honestly, in my experience, except in cases when there is a chemical imbalance in the brain (which generally happens young up to early/mid adulthood, not at age 60), depression is simply a symptom that your lifestyle is not working. Probably something in his life is making him unhappy. The best thing he could do is try to figure out what that is. Is he closed off to talk therapy like he is to doctors? I think a therapist is the first defense here. Sometimes people just need to get to the root of an issue, and make some sort of change that allows them to feel happy again. Honestly from your brief description it sounds like he's made some good decisions, such as not drinking because he realized it's bad for him. It sounds like there could be an external reason.

If other options are tried first to no avail, antidepressants can help some people. But honestly they can be really fucked up drugs too. I think too often they're prescribed willy-nilly... as I said I think of cases of depression are the result of life circumstances that can be changed, abd going on powerful mood/mind altering drugs like antidepressants can be the wrong answer. Keep in mind as I say this that in some cases what I said is not true. One of my best and oldest friends started to get severely depressed out of nowhere when he was 15. He's 35 now and he's been mostly really depressed since. He has a great family life, no drug problems, he's just depressed because he's imbalanced. But for him it's been a lifelong battle. He's a good candidate for trying psychiatric medications. On the other hand, I was depressed enough to want to die for years, but in my case it was situational. Once I figured that out and changed my situation, I became the happy person I always was before.

I hope there is a good solution, sounds like you're lucky to have each other.

 

[Mafioso]

30 minutes of aerobic exercise accompanied with proper nutrition can help stimulate and build neurotransmitters. I will always suggest exercise and nutrition as part of the fix because it will always help and can't cause any harm. It may not solve the problem, but if he is living a sedentary lifestyle and eating fast food as his main staple, it will improve his situation by quite a bit.

Apart from antidepressants, taking a drug in attempts to solve or fix a mood disorder is really a bad idea. Recreational drugs may offer initial stimulation but every high is accompanied by a low. Over time as tolerance builds, the individual takes more drugs for less stimulation and at some point is taking drugs to avoid the withdrawals rather than to feel good.

As far as what you can do for your dad, or anyone else who is experiencing depression, is about what you are doing. Show continuous love and support through his difficult time. He will likely appreciate it even if he does not show it. I am eternally grateful for those who have helped me through my difficult times even though it is hard for me to express my gratitude with words. Just knowing that someone is there and ready to help in the dark times offers a source of hope. Gentle encouragement will probably help as well.

Beyond that, there isn't really much anyone else can do. He must face and deal with his problems ultimately, whether it is a bad relationship or just a hopeless worldview. Things like group therapy would probably be beneficial, but ultimately it is his choice to participate or not in those types of things. There are steps he can take to get better or avoid falling into a deep depression, but he must take the steps himself.

 

[Rantanplan]

Hello Xorkoth,
all I can say that he said "he lost his faith in humanity", also he said it has nothing to do with my Mom (but tbh. I think this is one of the roots of his depression). Addionally his Mom (age 82) had a broken disc, so he is in sorrow about her too and his job is super stressy. Plus other things happend, that makes him sad. He also is an half atheist. He believes in something that is bigger, he called it nature. So in the end he has no real belief. Believing in God is strongest "weapon" against all bad things...

About doctor - he is very introverted and barely talks about his feelings. Mostly with my mother, but he has partially given up because she is not listening properly. He can really only talk to me (in the sense that someone really listens to him too). Nevertheless, he keeps a certain distance.That's why it's pretty difficult. I might have thought of certain plants (Sant Jones Word, Mulungu, etc.), but they would only help after a few weeks and besides, he would not take such things regularly.

So I thought of giving him maybe a low-dose 3-MeO-PCE (of course in consultation with him). And maybe Kratom.

 

[herbavore]

I wish that your Dad could confide in someone. It sounds like he is holding it all inside trying to be strong. I do not think he necessarily needs to turn to a drug right now. Maybe he needs to be clearheaded to sort out his emotions. One thing that is difficult in older age is coming to term with the fact that we have to carry a certain amount of pain. It is an acceptance that eventually turns around and brings peace but it does not come easily.

I can really empathize with your Dad. I feel pretty depressed about humanity, too. Maybe he and I are close to the same age so I will tell you something I have noticed (in the U.S. at least): lots of older people feel despair at what is going on. This was not true for me (or for the many friends I am observing) five years ago. There is a lot going on in the world and things are boiling over everywhere. Just the mass migrations of desperate people has a way of causing despair no matter what you may think about it politically. If your father considers nature the source of his spirituality (I also empathize with him on that count) then his despair is not unfounded. Nature is under attack everywhere and it can make one feel quite helpless.

Your Dad is very lucky to have such a loving son or daughter. Keep talking to him. Are you worried about suicide? If so, it would be good to talk to him about that. Suicidal people have a tendency to convince themselves that their loved ones will be better off without them (which of course is not true). Also people tiptoe around suicide and it actually helps to know it can be talked about with dignity and respect. We all feel discouraged and sometimes it goes bone deep. When that happens, a person is very vulnerable but having your concern and care daily will do a lot to alleviate that.

How are you doing? This must be very stressful for you.

 

[psy997]

But before you will say the next logical thing - he refuses to go to a doctor.

This is about the last step for me, actually. Doctors help with physical conditions, not emotional and spiritual ones.

In the last half year he began to drink less and less... And in the last months he began to seem like really depressed... he refused to speak about his situation... The only thing he said is, that it has nothing to do with my Mom (and me)... I remembered that he told some months ago, that he lost his faith in humanity.

I'm curious why he has began drinking less and less, and how that connects to having lost faith in humanity. Also interested in why he's lost faith.

What I know is (and what is clear), from the chemical brain side, that he lacks of serotonin. So what can I do?

This is in no way clear, at all. Depression isn't caused by a lack of serotonin, except for in outlier cases. Depression leads to a lack of serotonin. Even if you somehow knew for a fact he had "low serotonin", it's more complex than that, and, it's most likely a result of his thoughts and emotions. Not the other way around.

To give a mind a rest, some kind of drugs is may be a way to go... What kind of drug could he use to get a little rest of his depression? In the past I often talked to him about drugs, so this is not a unknown area to him.
I know is not good to give an advice in that situation over the internet, but anyway you could be possibly there and because of that, you can may be give an advice.

My advice, and I am 100% confident in where I stand, is that drugs are in no way the solution here. Drugs of either recreational or medicinal use are going to do nothing but cover up the core issue here, which is that he has for one reason or another, lost faith in humanity. And from my intuition, to some degree or another decided there is nothing left for him to excite and fulfill him. This of course does not mean he does not love you or your mother, he is simply an individual as well as you, and in need of meaning to carry on, no matter how much love he's surrounded with.

Your father needs to find a capable and understanding therapist that he feels comfortable sharing with. It sounds like he's lost some core belief that has driven him to carry on and enjoy life, and needs to either reclaim that, or find something else to re instill his faith in life and humanity.


That being said, I applaud your reaching out and the love and care you must have to care enough to find a solution. My recommendation is to research a more holistic approach to depression and emotions, taking into account the magnificent capability that is the human body and mind, and it's ability to give feedback when something is not quite right in one's life.

 

[herbavore]

^ that was a great response, psy.

 

[Rantanplan]

Thank you for you answers, I can not go in detail atm, but I want to give you an update:

I want to inform you, that I have spoken with my Mom yesterday. For some reason she points the topic to my Dad. She told that he has spoken to her, why he is sad atm. - he said to her it is job related.
The interesting point is, that this happend days after I spoke to him. So it was good for some reason to speak to him. But honestly I think my Mom plays also a role in his sadness and he just made a move forward to point the attention away. Also because he is in that job for over 30 years (so he has seen everything), so overall I have still not an exact picture what makes him sad. And in my opinion it is not hard to speak over job related problems. So why he did not told me that? Sure there is only one person who can answer this question .

But anyway, he spoke to my Mom (his wife) and this a good start over all. In the next days he will visit his Mom, who is living in another country for 10 or more days. This will be a good place to distract him for the "sadness" here.

 

[Mafioso]

If there is something in the dynamics of his relationship with your mom that is linked to his sadness then there may be a chance that he feels guilty for his sadness or wants to avoid conflict. He may be worried talking about it will cause problems or make things worse. Also, he may feel like he is complaining by voicing his negative emotions. A lot of people internalize problems or frustrations caused by external forces, things like politics at work. I personally don't like talking about things that are bugging me because I feel like I should be doing something about it rather than talking about it, feeling like talking about it is just complaining. BUt like you said, there is only one person who can truly answer this.

The truth is, he may not even know exactly what is making him sad. It could be a lot of things adding up, a combination of external and internal forces. things like stress at work and a feeling of rising despair and a lack of motivation. In all likelihood, it isn't just one thing that is leading him into depression, chances are it is number of things.