I was prescribed Vyvanse in December: two 20mgs spaced apart or a 30mg. At first, it was a miracle drug. I'm recovering from a severe chronic illness and could barely get out of bed. The energy Vyvanse gave me let me get a job, exercise, and basically gave me my life back. But as time wore on, I realized that it wiped my mind blank. Before it, my mind was blank from exhaustion. But now, the meds were causing it. I can't make jokes, I can't think abstractly, I feel disassociated, my memory is piss poor and I can't think. I haven't watched TV in months and I can barely read a sentence on it. I'm very rarely motivated to do anything. Really the only thing it helps me with is exercising and executive functioning skills for completing concrete tasks. I really hate what it does to me, but I can barely get out of bed without it, and it's not an option to stop taking it.
Before getting sick, I had a brain that worked at a mile a minute. I could do anything I wanted with it. I was funny, creative, and intelligent and I took it for granted. I can access it on rare occasions, almost always at night, even if I took the meds earlier that day. I suddenly have all of my thoughts back, and I'm excited and motivated. But it's always gone the next morning. On days when I don't take the meds I physically feel like shit, but I have weird manic chills and feel excited about what I'm doing, but that's only if I have the energy to do something, which i usually don't. Alcohol is the only thing that makes me feel normal, but obviously I can't depend on that. Weed helps a bit, but I don't have access to it often. I don't know how I can live being this blank person; I can recognize that everything I come up with is trash in comparison to what I could do before, but I can't produce anything better. I feel like I don't even exist.
On Monday I asked my doctor if I could try out Adderall XR, as I had read that for some people it was less zombie-like and made you motivated. Today I took it (20mg) and it gave me the same exact problems. Extremely forgetful, anti-social, no motivation blank. And it gave me much much less energy than Vyvanse does; I just want to lie down. It's much more subtle; I just feel calm. I can form thoughts more easily and focus more than with Vyvanse, but i still don't feel like I can work on complex things. I don't feel particularly tired, but it didn't give me the boost I needed. I feel disconnected from the world around me and legitimately can't speak; I'm trailing off and mumbling. With both meds, it's like it shoves down any sort of thought I try to form and steals my emotions.
I'm going back to college for the first time in 2 years on Friday, and I'm terrified that the Vyvanse won't get me through it. I need it to get out of bed, but I don't know if I can absorb information in class. I got an A in an online Japanese course over the summer, but it took me a long-ass time to finish the course work every week. I'm taking a creative writing class this semester and my creative mind is garbage on meds. Socializing is incredibly important for me to succeed with (I've been isolated for years bc of my illness), but I can't think of anything to say and can't make jokes. I'm just a boring stupid robot who listens and nods.
My question is, is there any drug on planet earth that will give me energy but won't wipe my mind blank? I constantly get "talk to your doctor" and I will, and I have, but I want to know what the options are and what experiences other people have had. I just want to feel like I'm not a boring useless piece of garbage. Thank you.
Before getting sick, I had a brain that worked at a mile a minute. I could do anything I wanted with it. I was funny, creative, and intelligent and I took it for granted. I can access it on rare occasions, almost always at night, even if I took the meds earlier that day. I suddenly have all of my thoughts back, and I'm excited and motivated. But it's always gone the next morning. On days when I don't take the meds I physically feel like shit, but I have weird manic chills and feel excited about what I'm doing, but that's only if I have the energy to do something, which i usually don't. Alcohol is the only thing that makes me feel normal, but obviously I can't depend on that. Weed helps a bit, but I don't have access to it often. I don't know how I can live being this blank person; I can recognize that everything I come up with is trash in comparison to what I could do before, but I can't produce anything better. I feel like I don't even exist.
On Monday I asked my doctor if I could try out Adderall XR, as I had read that for some people it was less zombie-like and made you motivated. Today I took it (20mg) and it gave me the same exact problems. Extremely forgetful, anti-social, no motivation blank. And it gave me much much less energy than Vyvanse does; I just want to lie down. It's much more subtle; I just feel calm. I can form thoughts more easily and focus more than with Vyvanse, but i still don't feel like I can work on complex things. I don't feel particularly tired, but it didn't give me the boost I needed. I feel disconnected from the world around me and legitimately can't speak; I'm trailing off and mumbling. With both meds, it's like it shoves down any sort of thought I try to form and steals my emotions.
I'm going back to college for the first time in 2 years on Friday, and I'm terrified that the Vyvanse won't get me through it. I need it to get out of bed, but I don't know if I can absorb information in class. I got an A in an online Japanese course over the summer, but it took me a long-ass time to finish the course work every week. I'm taking a creative writing class this semester and my creative mind is garbage on meds. Socializing is incredibly important for me to succeed with (I've been isolated for years bc of my illness), but I can't think of anything to say and can't make jokes. I'm just a boring stupid robot who listens and nods.
My question is, is there any drug on planet earth that will give me energy but won't wipe my mind blank? I constantly get "talk to your doctor" and I will, and I have, but I want to know what the options are and what experiences other people have had. I just want to feel like I'm not a boring useless piece of garbage. Thank you.
