NEED ADVICE. 17 years old. RECOVERING DRUG ADDICT. SUICIDAL AF.

[passthatshit]

I suppose I must be bi-polar. My mania has subsided. I am now stuck in a massive depression. I deal with apathy & suicidal thoughts daily. I want to use but I know the potential consequences. I got sober cold turkey. My anxiety has made it's way back into my life. I don't see any reasons to live.
I hate my fucking life. I hate existing in general. I wish that I could feel grateful for my own successes but i'm not. & I still don't feel like I belong on Earth.
I constantly go back & forth between wanting to kill myself & wanting to self actualize. I'm sick of it. Made plans to see a therapist but I know they will not give me xanax, rather some other bullshit that may or may not work. My anxiety is unbearable. Ruining my life. Thus, I have cravings for heroin. Massively.
I also don't give a shit about my future. I have planned to kill myself my entire life. I'm filled with apathy & self doubt. My thoughts are demeaning.
I am never comfortable. I just want solace from my own vexation. I can't deal with anxiety on my own. I have been my own therapist for too long.
DO not want to make a stupid decision. I'm sad as fuck too. My entire life has been a miserable thing. I'm getting tired of all the bullshit.
I feel like own would have to be a masochist in order to continue living.
What's the point? & Why should I?
My only goal in my life is writing a anti political manifesto & writing some philosophy. But I am wondering if the world is really worth my words or if I should just say fuck it, and kill myself soon.
How do I convince myself to stay sober & unhappy?

 

[Moreaux]

Early recovery is miserable and difficult. It does get so much better. There are alternatives to benzos that will help manage anxiety - Indural (propranolol) stops the physiological response and lowers levels. Also look into Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help you better manage your bipolar diagnosis. I do not have bipolar, but I suffer from OCD, anxiety, and depression so on some levels I can relate and have much experience dealing with mental health issues. I know the meds are not pleasant, but bipolar is not really a condition that can go unmedicated often. With the right meds you will not feel nearly as poorly, and may even feel good. I work with several individuals who have bipolar and while finding the right medication was tough, once they found it they truly began living. They stopped recreational drug use and now have careers and families. It was a lot of hard work to get there, but the payoff is so worth it. What you are feeling now is temporary so please don't end it. There are so many possibilities I think you should consider giving therapy another try. Kudos on your sobriety! One thing, once you get the bipolar manageable staying sober is much easier. If you're really concerned about relapsing consider getting on naltrexone to reduce your cravings. The only reason why I have been sober for three years is because of long term naltrexone- I saved my life.

Please don't give up, a lot of these feelings will level out as you have more time in sobriety. All of these feelings are temporary, so stick around for the better ones.

 

[johnnypotsmoker198]

You're 17 years old so the best thing to do is consult your parents. Its important they are aware of the situation, how you feel and make sure you are open with them about your thoughts.

Your major hurdle to overcome will be those disregarding you as a "cry for attention".

If you are truly feeling suicidal thoughts, the best solution is to see a doctor and opt for continued therapy. Perhaps, even take a 1 week break from life and spend some time in a local mental facility to spend time with others who are experiencing the same thing you are.

 

[morphine-dreams]

All I can tell you is, don't do it. I felt like the world was caving in on me at that age, when I reality, I could not cope with ang stress due to immaturity and a shitty family life. I'm 21 now, and have so many more problems on paper, but I AM happy. Life can be extremely stressful and it's very hard to cope at a young age. Find a support system, it will get better. You don't want benzos. They work at first, then stop, and then put you through hell. I'm there right now. Exercise, sleep, healthy food, and a supportive social circle goes much farther than you'd think. You haven't even had the chance to live independently yet (I assume). Wait it out and find a hobby, things will improve.

 

[Phase0)))]

Hey bud. Just to let you know, I'm 22 years old and I was full blown addicted at your age. I know exactly what you're describing. It's fucking hell to feel like this while knowing there is something you can just buy that will make you instantly feel better. But we both know that using dope will not make anything better. It will make things worse. When people use to tell me that I would get so fucking pissed. Like why are they trying to push my buttons by even mentioning dope? But........but it was true. And it took me awhile to understand that.

You're posting on here and reaching out for help. For some reason you are still here. There is a tiny part of you that still wants to live. In fact, I am almost sure the amount is more than just tiny. Now you sound quite a bit like me. Therefore I'm assuming you dislike positive affirmations too. Therefore instead of telling you everything is gonna be okay, I'll just say that not everything has gone wrong. Don't ask yourself in desperation what you have left but notice how much more you have to lose. And that sucks too. But it's true. When I told my therapists I had suicidal feelings sometimes, a couple of them said "But think of your family! What if you're up in Heaven looking down on your miserable family?!". Like wtf, that's not fucking fair.

You didn't mention if you're on any medications so are you? If not I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist to get stabilized. And I got clean when I was 20 for 2 1/2 years. It was MISERABLE at first. But after the first 3 months when I got out of treatment, I started to think differently than with my addict mind. I have horrible social anxiety which causes me to also shake and sweat profusely in public and I could not talk to anyone at all. Now that was before I got clean. When I got clean, that's when I learned how to actually function. I learned how to hold a conversation, I learned how to maintain a job, I learned how to actually go to college and succeed and I learned how to save my money. But it took a lot of work. Agonizing work. And yes it does seem masochistic to continue an existence that is perceived as hopeless and unlikely to change for the better.

But that's what makes us beautiful. The reason it seems so agonizing is because you did not learn how to cope properly and you turned to drugs instead. A life without these drugs seems unbearable to use because it reminds of why we started using drugs in the first place! I'm not sure if you can actually teach an old dog a new trick but I do know that a human being can change their personality, mindset and destiny. You can change the world you live in. You just have to put work into it. It's hard but it's so fucking worth it.

Also I wanted to say that I relapsed about 3 weeks ago on Heroin. I had 2 1/2 years clean man. And let me tell you, there was nothing fun about it at all. I have lost a lot in just 3 weeks. And the worst part is that I'm fucking crushed when I look back on those 2 1/2 years and how they were the best years I've had so far. It's not worth it. No matter how bad you feel.

So try to see a psychiatrist! Try to get on some meds. Keep a journal! I have filled up so many notebooks with just random writings, short stories, song lyrics, etc. Do something intellectually stimulating like that. Try to get some sort of support group outside of the internet! Nihilism and extreme pessimism are not fun ideologies to live by bubba. Having a group of people that you can open up to and get vulnerable with face-to-face is a huuuuuuuuge tool. (Plus they're free unlike a therapist!) And lastly, just try to wait. Distract yourself any way you can. Anything to kill as much time as possible while keeping your mind off of these things. You will see the power time truly has if you just wait a little. Much love brother.

 

[passthatshit]

I appreciate all the replies.. you all have good points. Thank you. Henceforth, I will be giving myself some more time to get my life together. Hopefully I can move out soon. That should be nice. I'm scared that If I have a will to live, somehow- I will then miss out on life. So I'm not sure how to balance that one. But if I can live an adventurous lifestyle, while being secure & stable, not to end up as a subserveient lifeless half-wit I will do it. Thank you so much ♡♡

 

[GalaxyNinja66]

Maybe get a hobby? Most stories I've heard where someone is in that situation do NOT end well. Stay alive and look for meaning, if not for yourself then for everyone around you who DO care.