ispy1234
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2015
- Messages
- 2
Greetings to everyone on Bluelight, this is ispy1234. I am approaching, on May 13th, 2023, several big milestones and am quite proud of myself. But it's been a bumpy road, and there are some hard truths (not all of them pleasant) that I need to get off my chest for the sake of my recovery and life advancement.
The amazing: No weed for nearly three years! No opiates (Oxycodone, Oxymorphone, Hydromorphone, and Codeine) for 2,634 days! Working as a Behavior technician with ASD clients full-time after contract work only twice a week for a year and a half. The work is amazing and super-fulfilling. I have direct experience with both mental illness and autism, and giving back both to support myself and help others is the high that nothing else can beat. I have an amazing car and laptop and am saving up for a full-size content creation and gaming tower.
In a wonderful relationship with an amazing girlfriend and her equally incredible friends. All are not drug addicts and are super loving and helpful to all. They inspire me daily to continue my journey towards a better life.
The great: After seven years of work, trials, and tribulations, Recovery Despite Rehab is published .
The good: Work out pretty regularly, every other day with intensive cardiovascular activity and some lifting. If I miss a day or a few days, I quickly resume even if I'm super depressed. It's now something addictive that I feel I need to do as often as possible again, which I forgot when I was smoking marijuana every day.
The bad: I have sponsored lots of people having completed the 12-Steps and every single one of them relapsed, some of them heavily. This was super heartbreaking and disillusioning, because most of them told me it wasn't my fault but I cannot help feeling guilty, like I didn't give the message properly. This doesn't surprise me as I find AA gravely dogmatic and often contradictory, I simply cannot bring myself to agree with a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous beliefs, despite years of attempting to do so. I do not subscribe to the concept of personal powerlessness, but there are days 12-Step ideologies are helpful to my recovery and other days where they have been very harmful.
The ugly: I am pathologically addicted to vaporized nicotine and am, in fact, vaping as I type this right now. Every attempt to quit has failed miserably. I feel totally insane without it and use constantly. I'm such a nicotine addict that I feel like I couldn't even bear to listen to an NA meeting, let alone work with an NA sponsor without vaping as I did the work. It is the one drug I have lied about despite better habits (no weed or opiates) several times when backed against a wall about it. And even when I tell the truth about vaping, this seldom stops my habit. I vape first thing in the morning, all day long, and in bed before I go to sleep. I have a time locked safe, filled with several years supply of it that I ensure no one knows the location of except myself. It really is this bad. No other drug could ever be more addictive, I know because I was a true junkie and did everything under the sun except cocaine, simply because I wasn't offered it enough times to finally say yes and complete my drug fiend masters degree program.
The only thing that appears to assist in a cold-turkey detox is Kratom, which I have used intermittently. I have not found Kratom habit-forming in any way, but I remain highly cautious given my history and previous massive Oxymorphone affinity.
I moved out of the graduate house of my sober living about five months ago. Because I was living in Santa Barbara despite having my vehicle I could not routinely drive 80 miles to look at apartments and make the best selection. Even worse was that my lease abruptly expired so I had to move out of the sober living no matter what. I briefly lived in Tarzana with a crazy neurotic woman who refused to let anyone else but her cook any food and refused to allow any guests to stay over( naturally this included my girlfriend).
The situation was a living nightmare and I quickly went insane without being able to cook my own meals because I had set myself up in the graduate house sober regularly working out and eating healthy cooked meals as my regular mindset. This disappeared and eating poor quality food began making me lose energy. All the plumbing and appliances in this woman's house constantly broke down, and whether everything was working or not, she constantly wanted money from me whether or not it was deserved. The toilet overflowed with just a single piece of toilet paper and attempting to plunge it flooded the kitchen. Another chunk out of my savings followed.
Sadly during this time, I drank Alcohol again a handful of times. No hard liquor, just a ton of beer. It never became a daily habit again but semi-monthly binges were a regular without being able to invite friends over or cook my own food eventually. I currently have 28 days Alcohol free, and zero desire to pick it up ever again because, even when I enjoyed my drinking with this horrible environment, I loathed myself so much for doing it that enjoyment of drinking was fundamentally next to impossible. I am now moved out of this environment with an awesome roommate in an awesome location 9 minutes from my girlfriend. I can cook my own food again and have guests, making life far more pleasant in general despite my current struggles. The drinking has stopped, but its just under a month of abstinence.
I have over drafted my bank account, although I have several means of making income. My depression has made it very hard to manage my spending like I once did. My publisher of my book (Balboa Press) basically ripped off and conned my family and I out of thousands of dollars that was in my savings. I had over twenty thousand, now its still a cushion but its horrible to look at compared to just six months ago. I have an incredible bank and investor, the fault is entirely mine and I will rectify this.
I need to lose about 200 to 150 pounds because I am on a thin line between overweight and obese. I eat emotionally to control my urges and to feel better. Working out only makes me hungry to binge eat more. Overeaters A did little to nothing to stop this. This is my story, and this is where I'm at. Looking forward to my three years Cannabis free milestone, but honestly I am all fucked up inside, feeling a massive blow of fatalism and spiraling hopelessness creeping into every corner of my soul, like life just doesn't give one fuck about me even when things go right, so why even bother? It's not like I was ever important, I'm just another addict and I don't know how to see myself differently right now. I'm not suicidal, but I care profoundly little for living or life in general right now.
The amazing: No weed for nearly three years! No opiates (Oxycodone, Oxymorphone, Hydromorphone, and Codeine) for 2,634 days! Working as a Behavior technician with ASD clients full-time after contract work only twice a week for a year and a half. The work is amazing and super-fulfilling. I have direct experience with both mental illness and autism, and giving back both to support myself and help others is the high that nothing else can beat. I have an amazing car and laptop and am saving up for a full-size content creation and gaming tower.
In a wonderful relationship with an amazing girlfriend and her equally incredible friends. All are not drug addicts and are super loving and helpful to all. They inspire me daily to continue my journey towards a better life.
The great: After seven years of work, trials, and tribulations, Recovery Despite Rehab is published .
The good: Work out pretty regularly, every other day with intensive cardiovascular activity and some lifting. If I miss a day or a few days, I quickly resume even if I'm super depressed. It's now something addictive that I feel I need to do as often as possible again, which I forgot when I was smoking marijuana every day.
The bad: I have sponsored lots of people having completed the 12-Steps and every single one of them relapsed, some of them heavily. This was super heartbreaking and disillusioning, because most of them told me it wasn't my fault but I cannot help feeling guilty, like I didn't give the message properly. This doesn't surprise me as I find AA gravely dogmatic and often contradictory, I simply cannot bring myself to agree with a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous beliefs, despite years of attempting to do so. I do not subscribe to the concept of personal powerlessness, but there are days 12-Step ideologies are helpful to my recovery and other days where they have been very harmful.
The ugly: I am pathologically addicted to vaporized nicotine and am, in fact, vaping as I type this right now. Every attempt to quit has failed miserably. I feel totally insane without it and use constantly. I'm such a nicotine addict that I feel like I couldn't even bear to listen to an NA meeting, let alone work with an NA sponsor without vaping as I did the work. It is the one drug I have lied about despite better habits (no weed or opiates) several times when backed against a wall about it. And even when I tell the truth about vaping, this seldom stops my habit. I vape first thing in the morning, all day long, and in bed before I go to sleep. I have a time locked safe, filled with several years supply of it that I ensure no one knows the location of except myself. It really is this bad. No other drug could ever be more addictive, I know because I was a true junkie and did everything under the sun except cocaine, simply because I wasn't offered it enough times to finally say yes and complete my drug fiend masters degree program.
The only thing that appears to assist in a cold-turkey detox is Kratom, which I have used intermittently. I have not found Kratom habit-forming in any way, but I remain highly cautious given my history and previous massive Oxymorphone affinity.
I moved out of the graduate house of my sober living about five months ago. Because I was living in Santa Barbara despite having my vehicle I could not routinely drive 80 miles to look at apartments and make the best selection. Even worse was that my lease abruptly expired so I had to move out of the sober living no matter what. I briefly lived in Tarzana with a crazy neurotic woman who refused to let anyone else but her cook any food and refused to allow any guests to stay over( naturally this included my girlfriend).
The situation was a living nightmare and I quickly went insane without being able to cook my own meals because I had set myself up in the graduate house sober regularly working out and eating healthy cooked meals as my regular mindset. This disappeared and eating poor quality food began making me lose energy. All the plumbing and appliances in this woman's house constantly broke down, and whether everything was working or not, she constantly wanted money from me whether or not it was deserved. The toilet overflowed with just a single piece of toilet paper and attempting to plunge it flooded the kitchen. Another chunk out of my savings followed.
Sadly during this time, I drank Alcohol again a handful of times. No hard liquor, just a ton of beer. It never became a daily habit again but semi-monthly binges were a regular without being able to invite friends over or cook my own food eventually. I currently have 28 days Alcohol free, and zero desire to pick it up ever again because, even when I enjoyed my drinking with this horrible environment, I loathed myself so much for doing it that enjoyment of drinking was fundamentally next to impossible. I am now moved out of this environment with an awesome roommate in an awesome location 9 minutes from my girlfriend. I can cook my own food again and have guests, making life far more pleasant in general despite my current struggles. The drinking has stopped, but its just under a month of abstinence.
I have over drafted my bank account, although I have several means of making income. My depression has made it very hard to manage my spending like I once did. My publisher of my book (Balboa Press) basically ripped off and conned my family and I out of thousands of dollars that was in my savings. I had over twenty thousand, now its still a cushion but its horrible to look at compared to just six months ago. I have an incredible bank and investor, the fault is entirely mine and I will rectify this.
I need to lose about 200 to 150 pounds because I am on a thin line between overweight and obese. I eat emotionally to control my urges and to feel better. Working out only makes me hungry to binge eat more. Overeaters A did little to nothing to stop this. This is my story, and this is where I'm at. Looking forward to my three years Cannabis free milestone, but honestly I am all fucked up inside, feeling a massive blow of fatalism and spiraling hopelessness creeping into every corner of my soul, like life just doesn't give one fuck about me even when things go right, so why even bother? It's not like I was ever important, I'm just another addict and I don't know how to see myself differently right now. I'm not suicidal, but I care profoundly little for living or life in general right now.
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