My Wife had an Affair....

[Pudsi]

I don't really know where to start. I am 48 years old and my wife is 43. We have been married for 18 years and have 4 gorgeous healthy children. We have had pressures in our Marriage which started 6 or 7 years ago when my Wife's parents moved in with us in a newly built extension. I was against the idea but relented as it made my wife and kids very happy. I have always worked very hard to support my family (my wife hasn't worked for 16 years due to having children) and I was always proud of what we had achieved. Anyway, 2 weeks ago I found out that my wife has been having an Affair for 6 months with a guy about 10 years younger than me. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I found out that she met this guy in a Club whilst out with friends and she used to go out with him over 20 years ago (before her and I met). They caught up on chatter and exchanged numbers but this led to meeting and having sex about once every two weeks for six months. As if that wasn't bad enough I forced my wife to tell me what they did and OMG she did things with him that she has never done with me, things she said that she didn't like or even want to try and it hurts so much. They did 4 specific acts that we had never tried and she wasn't interested in trying. I can't get the picture of her and him naked together out of my head. She says she did it because she was unhappy which hurts even more because I was the one having to cope with unhappiness before just to keep my wife and kids happy.

I feel totally lost and the gut wrenching jealousy is slowly killing me. My wife was THE LAST person I would ever think would cheat but I have to be honest and say that I did suspect something was going on for a few months but I never challenged her about it because she had been unwell and obviously as I love her I didn't want to upset her - especially if I was wrong. But the shock of knowing the truth, and hoping I had been wrong, was awful.

I don't really know what i am doing here, or what i want people to say. Maybe this has happened to someone here and they can tell me what they did? Thanks.

 

[belligerent drunk]

I'm nowhere near the same position in terms of age or seriousness of relationship (not a parent and not married for >10 years), so excuse me if my input is not what you're looking for. However, I think the first thing I would do is try to find out what she feels about it all after the fact. Does she feel remorse and regret? Does she feel uneasy about the whole ordeal herself or has she rationalized it to herself to the point where she think it's okay? The reason I'm thinking in this direction is, at least to me it would be important to know how she views your relationship/marriage. If she had felt unhappy about something and didn't go to you for help, that might be a signal. Obviously she's not stupid and knows that you have children together and what kind of impact that would have on them.

I have discussed this topic with my significant other and we both came to the conclusion that the odd sex with somebody else is not the epitome of a disaster. Again, this is just us, but for us the emotional connection is the most important, and sex often lacks that. I admit, it messes with my head to think that my lady would be having sex with another man, especially doing things she'd never done with me. But then again it's the nature of us humans to want to copulate. I believe marriage is a lot more than that and if she is willing to admit that it was a major mistake and that she should have been by your side in times of dark, then you should do your best to let it go. I know it's easier said than done, but what else can you do? Divorce? What about the children? Judging by your post, you love your wife, and sometimes such love requires forgiving the unforgivable.

It is a good sign that she confessed even the last details of what had happened. Do more research, and try to stay strong. You love your wife, and people make mistakes. If she feels the same way about you, then it's just one of those obstacles couples face throughout their marriage.

 

[ghostandthedarknes]

cheating once could be seen as a mistake. meeting every two weeks for six months, different story. I would leave.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you and is having an affair.

I would look for the best divorce lawyer you can find, and afford, and talk to a counselor or someone about this. Good luck.

 

[rainbowland]

you say that you were unhappy prior to this..Im sure it was obvious to your wife, that lacked your attention. Im def not saying it is right and i would get a divorce too.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Do you still love your wife? This is a really hard one to answer, but l don't think an affair makes a divorce necessary. I don't know maybe l am weird but l would almost expect some sort of infidelity in an almost twenty year marriage and l don't think it's worth throwing your whole life away.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

cheating once could be seen as a mistake. meeting every two weeks for six months, different story. I would leave.

Seconded. ^

A 6-month affair... ugh... >.<

But you said that you were unhappy prior to this and she was unhappy. Why were you unhappy? There are reasons to cheating, doesn't make it right... but it might help you to heal to really uncover the reasons. Why was she so unhappy? Why were you? Is there any way you guys can solve those problems and get to the underlying issues?

Maybe couples therapy would help. Once a week and is covered by insurance..

 

[Pale Rider]

Right here goes, it's very rare i'd ever say I know how you feel as it's not something my profession allows me to do. Something very similar happened to me two years ago (feel free to read my first blog). It's painful and it'll hurt for a long while, the pain and anger for me comes and goes but there is life on the other side and now i'm very happy. What was painful for me was how i found out, i found the emails and bottled it up reading them every now and then almost punishing myself, meanwhile my wife had told all our friends what she was up to you know "i want to tell you something but don't tell anyone", crazy i know, my point is that things did get better for me and continue to do so, i do have my bad days but i just remind myself how far i've come. Try to stay strong Pudsi, go with what your heart is telling you, take care and stay safe my friend...

 

[Erikmen]

cheating once could be seen as a mistake. meeting every two weeks for six months, different story. I would leave.

I'm truly sorry to hear that. You must be devastated, to say the least.

I have almost the same age as you, children, etc. Have worked my ass off for ages. So I'll be totally honest - you've got to respect yourself in a moment like that. It's not about patience or forgiveness. Atm it's simply about respect.

After all you've agreed to live with her family - which is already really quite hard - was a faithful husband for 18 years.
And out of the blue you find out your wife is having an affair with routine sex after having spent a lifetime with you, kids and family?!
I'd find a way to leave the house and give myself sometime to think about my next move as thoughts will be all related to anger and you don't want to be the 'bad guy' right now.

The immediate thoughts I can imagine must be all related to end this. Or about leaving as there's no way around this at this moment, IMO.

If you really love her and want to fix it later, go to a therapist and solve your emotional issues until you anger is gone. Otherwise this will poison your already damaged relationship.

Wish you all best right now!!

 

[Airmid]

So Sorry. What a mess. I agree with Erikmen however by your leaving what's to be said to the children?..You haven't said how old they are, there are four a couple I'm guessing must be of an age where they'll be 'picking up' the tension, bloody hell the atmosphere in the house must be awful. It's advantageous in some respects that the children have the diversion of the Grandparents (do they know yet?) but in another way their presence gave your wife the opportunity, freedom and boredom to behave in the way that she has. If you leave (which I agree some space is needed) the Grandparents will suss out there's a major problem , well how do you think they'll react to their own daughters betrayal of everyone. There's going to be so much anger felt by literaly everyone and even your wife will probably find a reason to be angry too. I think you should see the best divorce lawyer you can find and see a therapist asap as mentioned above just to keep them behind you in case you do need them. In theory it should be her that leaves the house not you. Someone once said to me all married people have affairs and I argued well firstly they do not and why get married if it's treated in such a flexible way. I hope things work out, I really do, I'm going to shut up now because this is so complicated and sad and there are no straightforward answers.

Wishing you and your children all the best

 

[Erikmen]

^^Of course!! Nicely put.

Please, do explain and be with the kids. I'm so sorry if that was not so obvious. I have children and I trust me they are precious, worth and the last to suffer. First to care. I believe this is already inside all Father's heart by nature.

What I should have said was -- considering all natural obligations from a parent, resolve the issue with the kids so you get to see them at least half of the time but do leave the place/house you are living at. The ambient is probably toxic.

They will immediately understand something is wrong so be extra careful in that task and do not forget your in-laws will probably not be there for you as they are going to be for their daughter. Suggest you look for a Counsellor, have a clever and perhaps not so clarifying conversation (only the strict necessary to be said at this moment) and move on.

You can't contaminate your children with all these feelings you are having and a decision to stay out of the house 'could not' be as hard for them to understand at this first stage. Take them to a diner. And don't mention anything that could harm your wife's as a Mother for them. The important thing to be said is that your children has nothing to do with that. Be discreet. It's hard moment so I'd prepare myself. I know you will.

In regards to who gets to stay in the house I believe you need to be feeling better to solve this technically. It's complicated, I just try to picture the entire situation and see how awkward it would be for both of you to share the same house now that everything is opened. You need to feel neutral and safe, quiet and in good state of mind so you can decide so many things while you are still feeling 'devastated'. Do you have a friend or family that you can share this with?

Wishing you the very best!!

 

[dopemaster]

Iinfidelity is a relationship deal breaker for me.

The way I see it is she did that to herself and not you and well she was not who she thought she was, fuck it she might be who she thought she was.

I would just move on and end things amicably as possible. i take the high road when people turn shitty.

I am sure it hurts, I was married. There was an affair of the heart, but I had lost interest in being with her. We are still friends. We slept together a few times after it was over but that was just sex. I would not have sex with her now as it would ruin our friendship and I also had lost interest in her because she let herself go.

Anyways so a decade later my ex wife is still one of my closest friends. As far as relationships where someone strayed, I saw it coming a mile away and well I moved on but I suppose it is easier for some people.

I won't get married again until I know for sure it is what I want and would have to be someone truly wonderful because I am willing to put alot into a relationship if it is reciprocated so my sex and dating life goes from very casual to compatable to some degree for a period of time.

Life is short, don't dwell. Fuck regrets, you can't change things. Fuck shame, just be better. Fuck wanting someone who don't want you.

 

[nygiants1313]

Better finding out now then never continuousky neing mafe a fool of by your (not offense) cowardky wife who cant just end the relationship with you and then go do her thing. Yet she sneaks around like a coward lying and blah blah blah. She blatantky distespected you like no other.

Dont be a coward like your wife *cough cough* ex.

Tell your kids the truth. Be a man and walk. Things will NEVER be the same ull never look at her the same. Its over. Walk away with your head held high you didnt nothing wrong.

And im sorry if im sounding to harsh im sure your in serious pain and its not easy to just do what im saying so easily. But hey, the kids are grown and we borh know what needs to be done. Rip that bandaid my friend and go enjoy your later years with your kids and new women who will respect you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

So this guy was 13 and your wife was 23 when they first met? WTF.

Your wife has some issues no doubt

Well now it's your turn to cheat on her back. Adult services in the local papers is a great place to start.

 

[belligerent drunk]

The other guy is 10 years younger than the poster, who is 48 now, so he was 18 at the time him and the poster's wife met. 13 and 23 would have been interesting, though. I have been with a woman 10 years older than me, but I was over 18 when it started, haha.

 

[supers0nic_high]

As hard as it may be and with the kids etc it could be very difficult. But the extent of her cheating is not good, if I was you I would pack my bags and GTFO, I think thats the best route for you, you cant really forget about it and go back to normal, its just a dead end.

 

[Foreigner]

Betrayal is the worst of all ways you can wound another person. Being in a marriage means cooperation, vulnerability, love, commitment, and special understanding. Cheating once is one thing, a 6 month affair behind your back with someone who she used to be involved with is a plan. She knew what she was doing.

I've been in your shoes, not your exact shoes but I know betrayal very well. It's a stab to the gut. The anger and the jealousy can become all consuming, and it's not because you are a flawed person but because it's just such a shock to the system that you don't really know how to process it. I also know what it's like to find out that they are doing things with the other person that they'd never do with you. Try not to let that part get to you too much. Affairs are really heated and lusty, and it can make people act in more uninhibited ways.

I would just leave. I know people are saying "what about the children"... my dad cheated on my mom and they stayed together "for the kids", and it was a nightmare. Luckily I was older and could move out. Do you know what it's like for children to be raised by parents who have resentment between them? It's destructive. If your wife doesn't love you anymore, or the marriage is just for convenience, your kids are going to feel that even if it's not directly communicated.

It will mean radically reconfiguring your life but honestly you will be better off. 6 months is a long time to be having an affair. I mean at least she came clean, so there's that... she must have felt some guilt or at least felt it was time to tell you. But is she telling you because she wants to pursue the other guy, or because it's over and she wants to clean the slate? If you never found out, would the affair keep going on and on? Probably. IMO your wife is pretty stupid, she has way more to lose here, having not worked for 16 years, and being the one at fault for the marriage ending. Maybe she can go be with that other guy *shrug*

You can talk to her and try to sort it out. To me actions speak louder than words. Her level of deceit is pretty high on the deception scale.

 

[ed.ston]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm just a random guy on the Internet so take my opinion with a grain of salt my friend.

We're men. We don't get over shit like this. We don't shrug it off and say it never happened. If you do, you'll lose all respect from wife, family, friends and everything else that matters to you now. It will never go back to what it was before. You can hide in a dream or man up, take your kids and find a woman that deserves you.

It's never too late and if you'll have to explain yourself years later, you had good reason.

 

[Erikmen]

^ It's never too late to do the right thing. Be yourself, accept and deal with your emotions. Take care of your kids.

It's not only men, women can say they forgive but they I believe they never forget IMO.
Aside than talking about this over and over again everytime issue is brought up in every discussion you'll have.

Don't beat yourself up. These sort of thing happens everyday to everyone. No immune to this.
You'll be okay!

 

[llama112]

cheating once could be seen as a mistake. meeting every two weeks for six months, different story. I would leave.

It wasn't just a one-time thing. It went on way too long.

I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you and is having an affair.

I would look for the best divorce lawyer you can find, and afford, and talk to a counselor or someone about this. Good luck.

Get yourself a good lawyer. Often times, it's much more difficult for the male, especially if you are looking for custody of your kids.

As hard as it may be and with the kids etc it could be very difficult. But the extent of her cheating is not good, if I was you I would pack my bags and GTFO, I think thats the best route for you, you cant really forget about it and go back to normal, its just a dead end.

It's always more difficult with kids.

But will you ever feel the same way about her? Knowing she did such things behind your back? Knowing that she lied to you?
How old are the kids?
As much as it sucks for kids growing up without their parents together, it's better than growing up with parents in a loveless relationship. As long as you can keep it civil then that's much better.