My story - where to start? (Complex)

[Rhianium]

Hey, some background: I'm a 32 year old trans woman living in Europe. Nominally, I have my shit together; I'm married, have a succesful biomedical r&d company, background in biomedical science.

But..

I started doing drugs when I was 17. Mostly lsd, speed; I was anorexic for a while, speed helped there. I took speed all through college, easily passing my classes, using it as a hack for anything; confidence, tiredness, mood, whatever.. just take the next line and you'll be fine, until tomorrow, which never comes as long as you're high. I stayed awake for 5 days at a time... Well, tomorrow is officially here.

Around 2016 I couldn't sustain it anymore, so I transitioned (haha) to ketamine. Ketamine would numb everything. By this time I had enough money and social clout to use as much as I wanted. I worked up a huge addiction telling myself I used it as an antidepressant. I mixed it with cocaine or 3-mmc in the weekends. At this time I opened a (legit) lab and made 3mmc by the kilograms and sold it. I spent my time in a half-delirium most of the time, bullying other people to run my business for me and making 7 figures. I neglected my life in every way. I didn't move, I didn't cook for myself, I paid people to do everything.

My health deteriorated, in 2018 I got a few seizures. I went on diazepam (20mg) which I used daily until this year February. In the meantime I also had a few phenibut addictions in between. I would wake up with splitting headaches and tinnitus and k cramps. My wife would be sobbing on the floor screaming she didn't want me to die. I didn't care, but I didn't want to leave her.

So, for the sake of her I decided to get everything together. It has become a monomaniacal obsession to restore myself. For her. I dropped diazepam to 4mg a day, I don't use ketamine more than once a month. I have used heroin a bit to take the worst moments of benzo withdrawal but never was addicted to it.

I'm at a point where I'm sober most of the time. I cook for myself, I meditate 30 minutes a day. I don't have severe medical issues except gout, and I have an addiction counselor but... I feel like a wreck. I feel *old*. My energy levels are abysmal, I have rare good days but those are exceptions. I barely want to get out of bed when I have a bad day. I hate being sober. I would sell my very soul to feel like I did on speed when I was 18 for all eternity.

I feel stupid. I don't feel invincible anymore, and I feel extremely nostalgic and just wish I could go back in time. Stupid songs from when I was young make me cry. Hell, thinking about MSN messenger makes me cry. All promises I had for my future as a kid have failed. I never learned to live without drugs. I don't fucking know, I don't want to be human (I never did, I'm a transhumanist). What should I do?

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Hey. Welcome to Bluelight.

I'm not trans and I don't live in Europe and i have never had money but one thing I do know is I felt WAY better when i was on drugs then when I wasn't. You have had to deal with a lot of emotional and stressful issues in your life so it's no wonder you did substances to not only make you feel better but to get you through the daily grind.

You feel old because it's your body saying hey....you kind of abused me for a long time. It's gonna take me awhile to get back to homeostasis ". And naturally through your drug use you tickled many different receptors and now those receptors are mad at you because you don't tickle them anymore. Kind of like when we eat steak for a long time and then we have to eat chicken legs. What a let down, right?

I didn't particularly like being sober either. Every thing was a chore and a challenge. Didn't feel like doing jack shit like i did when i was high. Screw the laundry, screw the dishes, screw the vacuuming. Stuff i didn't mind doing high I hated doing sober. Coming up on 3 years clean and i still have to force myself to do these simple things daily. It's not being lazy and it's not like I don't want to keep a clean place it's just like damn I used to do this stuff and it was kind of enjoyable and now i could care less. I still do it because i make myself do it but it sure isn't enjoyable. It's a damn chore.

What should you do? Well ask yourself this question. Do i like myself and my life more with or without the drugs. If your answer is you like your life more WITH the drugs there you have it. If you like your life and yourself more OFF the drugs well then you are like me. I like myself and my life better being off but boy oh boy do i miss it.

 

[CFC]

My energy levels are abysmal, I have rare good days but those are exceptions. I barely want to get out of bed when I have a bad day. I hate being sober. I would sell my very soul to feel like I did on speed when I was 18 for all eternity.

I feel stupid. I don't feel invincible anymore, and I feel extremely nostalgic and just wish I could go back in time. Stupid songs from when I was young make me cry. Hell, thinking about MSN messenger makes me cry. All promises I had for my future as a kid have failed. I never learned to live without drugs. I don't fucking know, I don't want to be human (I never did, I'm a transhumanist). What should I do?

Sorry to hear how times have been, and how things are now

Are you able to exercise at all? With exercise you can bring energy levels back to your youthful highs. Even people in their 80s can get energy back up with a good exercise and strengthening programme. So have faith that it most definitely would be possible for someone in their early 30s.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

What should I do?

Keep doing what you are doing and focus on that which is valuable to you that is not plastic - that would be humans, nature, animals etc... whatever is taking care of you, vice versa and/or both.
I cannot tell anyone what is best for them personally but have an idea what may may be best for the global village.

I don't feel invincible anymore, and I feel extremely nostalgic and just wish I could go back in time.

I said something to my psychologist (dont want meds) in the way of: " I used to be like superhuman - could do anything at any time and get it done. Now I feel like a worthless piece of shit that is just taking up space (excuse the language) " She found this "profound" for some reason.
After reading a title she mentioned (book) the body keeps the score I read an account of another subject of observation who says basically the same but differently. A war veteran. Think they call him "Tom". (I had to put the book down after reading and reminded of the field doing research on shocking animals for various reasons and being triggered by it).
I find her helpful, sincere in her intent(s) and insightful for her age. She is basically (in my opinion) bringing me out of the past into the present to be able to cope with my issues in the now and (hopefully) whatever the future may hold.
I think it's working as I actually smiled for the first time after a month of talking to her when I left her office last. Not the plastic "bye" smile but one I felt in my gut. Like the smile of a charge of possession of marijuana being thrown out by the judge I was before (decades ago) when I knew by the letter of the law I was guilty but the spirit of it all was out of context. A freedom from a burden that had been holding me hostage for quite a many months. That kinda smile of relief, ya know.
And also welcome to bluelight nice to have ya.

I felt WAY better when i was on drugs then when I wasn't.

Ditto and love your post. It's fire imo.

 

[Eligiu]

Hey, some background: I'm a 32 year old trans woman living in Europe. Nominally, I have my shit together; I'm married, have a succesful biomedical r&d company, background in biomedical science.

But..

I started doing drugs when I was 17. Mostly lsd, speed; I was anorexic for a while, speed helped there. I took speed all through college, easily passing my classes, using it as a hack for anything; confidence, tiredness, mood, whatever.. just take the next line and you'll be fine, until tomorrow, which never comes as long as you're high. I stayed awake for 5 days at a time... Well, tomorrow is officially here.

Around 2016 I couldn't sustain it anymore, so I transitioned (haha) to ketamine. Ketamine would numb everything. By this time I had enough money and social clout to use as much as I wanted. I worked up a huge addiction telling myself I used it as an antidepressant. I mixed it with cocaine or 3-mmc in the weekends. At this time I opened a (legit) lab and made 3mmc by the kilograms and sold it. I spent my time in a half-delirium most of the time, bullying other people to run my business for me and making 7 figures. I neglected my life in every way. I didn't move, I didn't cook for myself, I paid people to do everything.

My health deteriorated, in 2018 I got a few seizures. I went on diazepam (20mg) which I used daily until this year February. In the meantime I also had a few phenibut addictions in between. I would wake up with splitting headaches and tinnitus and k cramps. My wife would be sobbing on the floor screaming she didn't want me to die. I didn't care, but I didn't want to leave her.

So, for the sake of her I decided to get everything together. It has become a monomaniacal obsession to restore myself. For her. I dropped diazepam to 4mg a day, I don't use ketamine more than once a month. I have used heroin a bit to take the worst moments of benzo withdrawal but never was addicted to it.

I'm at a point where I'm sober most of the time. I cook for myself, I meditate 30 minutes a day. I don't have severe medical issues except gout, and I have an addiction counselor but... I feel like a wreck. I feel *old*. My energy levels are abysmal, I have rare good days but those are exceptions. I barely want to get out of bed when I have a bad day. I hate being sober. I would sell my very soul to feel like I did on speed when I was 18 for all eternity.

I feel stupid. I don't feel invincible anymore, and I feel extremely nostalgic and just wish I could go back in time. Stupid songs from when I was young make me cry. Hell, thinking about MSN messenger makes me cry. All promises I had for my future as a kid have failed. I never learned to live without drugs. I don't fucking know, I don't want to be human (I never did, I'm a transhumanist). What should I do?

Hi, welcome to the forum fellow trans person (I am a trans man, medically transitioned many moons ago). Hope that introduction of me as a trans person here stays safe. Please do let me or some of the other staff, yeah I was really just thinking maybe we could try to fuck in the shower

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Are you using medicines to change your endocrine system? If so that will probably go a long way towards explaining lethargy and emotional disturbance.

 

[Eligiu]

Are you using medicines to change your endocrine system? If so that will probably go a long way towards explaining lethargy and emotional disturbance.

Most trans people do that, yes.

However, many (if not the majority) find that their general mood, anxiety, depression, etc improves out of sight when taking HRT.

I am aware from seeing your post directed at me when I wrote about a support worker who sexually harassed me (and it would be sexual harassment too if they asked someone who was not trans similar questions) with you absurdly making the claim that it was within his scope to know 'if I stopped taking hormones would my boobs grow back' or really even the most blatantly obvious, him asking me any questions about my genitals. At my support work agency, that's a fireable offense, a d aggravated.

His offence was also aggravated as I have a developmental disability and am a state registered vulnerable person.

The single time a support worker needs any details about their clients genitals is if they are undertaking personal care. Mine do not. And amazingly, none of my previous workers nor none of the ones since have asked questions such as him.

Estrogen causes mood swings, everyone knows this.

But I am perfectly sure that another cis person understands the effects of HRT on trans people and our transition process moreso than ourselves. Because why would we be the experts of our own body? No, that's simply unreasonable.

The correct terms for the sentence that you meant to ask this person was 'have you begun your process of medically transitioning with the use of HRT?'

I do not understand why it is relevant for you to write about HRT 'changing' the endocrine system as though that is something ominous. We don't take the same doses as sea people do, no where near.

What you are doing right now, is known as the 'trans broken arm syndrome' where each and every time a transgender person reports some kind of medical issue, people zone in on hormones as the cause of the problem. Perhaps it's an effort to get them to stop their hormones. I've not figured it out.

This happened to me once when I admitted myself to the ED because I went off my bipolar meds for 2 weeks and had been doing a lot of meth. My chart did say I am trans, and for some reason the nurse felt the need to write notes on my scar placements from 2 years prior.

Then, she went and informed the entire ward of doctors and nurses that there was a freak in room 204. What happened then? A parade of doctors and nurses who were not even treating me telling me things about my transition, ironically after they have all needed to ask me stuff to clarify their understanding. The absolute cream of the crop of trans broken arming it were

1. 'Have you considered that your transition is the cause of your mental health issues and if you detransition you will get better?'

2. 'I think the reason you feel a bit depressed at the moment is your dysphoria, and because we are a public hospital you need to be discharged based on the assessment I've made'

'Uh, sorry doctor. I'm not depressed. I'm in mixed episode, because I went off valproate and lamotragine. I need Seroquel to help me sleep. I am hearing things. I know what is wrong with me'

2. 'It is my professional opinion that you dysphoria is causing these issues. You don't have any drugs or methods to self harm at home do you?'

'no (yes)'

3. Then there was the time where ultrasound technician spent the full 45 min on looking for my ovaries and fallopian tubes when I went in there for what was veeeeery clearly appendicitis. She wrapped up, without having even looked at my appendix. Was saying I'd be sent home with some pain relief. I told her to check my appendix and she Huff's and goes 'ugh okay' only to see it fit to burst.

I nearly got sent home due to the every present trans broken arm syndrome.

There could be any number of things which could cause lethargy and mood swings, but because she's a trans woman you go straight for the HRT.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I dont remember you saying anything about them saying the quote you have put there, in fact you definitely didn’t. On the basis of what you posted they didn’t sexually harrass you either. I don’t see what that has to do with this thread though, I think it’s probably sensible to keep it on topic rather than making it about your irrelevant experience?

I was making a really basic point that some of the symptoms described might be a side effect of drugs that change the endocrine system because they didn’t mention them and as you say are often used by trans people. As someone who has taken drugs to change my endocrine system myself I know that similar side effects were part of my experience.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Nice that you’ve assumed I’m cis without knowing anything about me

 

[Eligiu]

I dont remember you saying anything about them saying the quote you have put there, in fact you definitely didn’t. On the basis of what you posted they didn’t sexually harrass you either. I don’t see what that has to do with this thread though, I think it’s probably sensible to keep it on topic rather than making it about your irrelevant experience?

I was making a really basic point that some of the symptoms described might be a side effect of drugs that change the endocrine system because they didn’t mention them and as you say are often used by trans people. As someone who has taken drugs to change my endocrine system myself I know that similar side effects were part of my experience.

The post is still up there, it hasn't been deleted - and the quotes are both the same. And yes, it was agreed to be sexual harassment by the NDIS, the government body which funds me to pay for support workers.

I am curious though. How is asking about people's genitals when you don't actually know them at all, or worse are their paid support worker and therefore hold a position of power over them not sexual harassment? What is your definition of sexual harassment?

I bring this up because it very clearly illustrates your views toward trans people. A trans person with a developmental disability and serious mental health issues who cannot live independently is asked questions about his genitals by someone who is not entitled to that knowledge (someone said trans person were about to sleep with, would be). If you walked up to any person on the street, and just randomly opened your conversation with them about their junk own do you think it would go down?

And again - I am a support worker, myself. What he did is inappropriate and it shows that he is not a fit and proper person to have a check that allows him to work with vulnerable people.

The issue is, so many parts of society share your opinion. Trans people are more than used to having to accept sexual harassment because for some reason, it is not only acceptable for society at large to talk about our junk, it is also something that people want to do and for some reason, find really interesting.

You said it isn't sexual harassment - why is it not? Again, I am a support worker. All of my clients are cis. If I asked any of them a question about their genitals it would be not only a fireable offense, but aggravated for one of them due to him being a minor, and aggravated on a further charge due to all three suffering from autism. Maybe it's just because I take my job seriously that I consider asking disabled people about their genitals (in the absence of needing to provide personal care) very, very weird and invasive.

I am not the only person who thought this was sexual harassment. Around 100 other NDIS participants were horrified to know what occured. Most not trans. A single outlier there, much like yourself. His contracting company, also said what he did was sexual harassment.

I do really want to know what your definition of sexual harassment is now.

Your comment got deleted from the other post because you used the fact that I am trans as a springboard for your speech about some trans woman in the UK doing some shit I've never known nor seen.

This far, that has been my singular interaction with you, and I can't say we are off to a fresh start.

Even if you have used HRT (unless it isn't HRT and you're using it for a different reason, which is what I do expect) then you could have provided something useful with your comment, like what the lower and higher test ranges are, what forms of HRT provide a lower side effect profile, whether taking them at morning or at night can help.

But no, you just went 'you taking hormones?' (paraphrased) and you said 'that will probably go a long way in explaining the symptoms you are having' as though trans women everywhere just suffer from unending fatigue (most do not, as depression improves). Like the statement that this is the thing that will 'probably go a long way?'

Trans people should all take the advice of those who do not agree that a paid support worker who has been charged with the care of a vulnerable adult and who asks them about their genitals and Yada Yada and then actually says it's relevant to their job as a worker? How tho? I actually don't know what genitals any of my clients have ever have, but one cause he has zero sense of modesty. Do you know why? Cause uh.... It isn't my business to know.

 

[Eligiu]

Nice that you’ve assumed I’m cis without knowing anything about me

*Sigh* A very original joke. A true twist on the old 'how dare you assume my gender' joke.

It is always the same two jokes though.

 

[Rhianium]

Yeah I expected that... I know what's endocrinological. Whole different plane of experience.

 

[Eligiu]

Get over yourself.

I suggested that the symptoms they are suffering may be a result of fucking with their endocrine system because I suffered similar symptoms as a result of fucking with my endocrine system. Nothing more.

As the OP has themselves suggested - they were aware that someone would say what you did.

Had you not had the posting history you did, the comment may have been valid and informative. However, trans people have regular (sometimes up to monthly, I am generally every 12 weeks) testing for basically our entire endocrine system. So for the most part, issues there are picked up very quickly.

Like, for example post hysterectomy my specialist wanted me to have a test immediately post surgery, and then one a week prior to seeing her to ensure that my estrogen levels hadn't dropped to a degree which *would* cause me to have fatigue.

We know our bodies. And they actually function very differently from cis bodies. This is why we see specialists in trans health because we need to stay on top of our hormones for the sake of our health.

When people like the OP have the issues she stated, the *first* thing her treating physician for her hormones would have done would have been to immediately order a full blood work-up.

The fact that she has come here for answers means that the answer was not there.

Additionally, trans people don't 'fuck' or 'mess' with our endocrine system. We are given treatment in order to achieve the results we want, under strict medical supervision. Saying we 'fuck' with it carries the implication that we are doing it in a way that is unapproved, unhealthy, or otherwise invalid.

 

[Eligiu]

Yeah I expected that... I know what's endocrinological. Whole different plane of experience.

Have you had any of the underlying issues of your drug use investigated? Not all trans people self medicate due to dysphoria. You may genuinely have some kind of mental health issue which causes fatigue.

I got diagnosed with Narcolepsy, well into my transition and after stopping regular meth use. After being medicated I noticed a massive change.

Things like sleep disorders, chronic fatigue, and that sort of thing are worth investing if you have hugely low energy levels.

Are you still suffering from an ED? How is your diet? A diet low in nutrients will definitely lead to fatigue. Maybe testing your iron levels may be in order?

 

[Eligiu]

Get over yourself

There is nothing to get over. I have said what I wanted to say on the matter.

TDS/MH have some of the strictest rules in the forum. This means even the most subtle forms of discrimination and bigotry will be addressed.

If you had not made your previous comment in all its glory I would simply have tried to inform you on why this comment was not awesome. But you did. And you didn't delete it, an admin did - for breaking forum rules.

You haven't broken any rules, yet. But this is now the second time you have come into a trans person's thread, and posted something which the majority of people who hold offensive views about trans people think.

1) Trans people being asked about their genitals is never sexual harassment.

2) Trans person asks about advice for health problem? Must be their transition process. + Saying that she was 'messing' around with her endocrine system. I'd argue she's fixing it, but that's just me.

I can't report your comment for not breaking the rules, and if someone is conducive to having an explanation I prefer that to having them get a warning.

But i can tell when someone is coming in good faith, and making 'you assumed my identity' jokes really is a giveaway that you did not have purely good intentions here.

You can always express any of these feelings in The Lounge where rules on this are far less strictly enforced.

In here? I'll either report it or address it every time until you learn.

I hope you have a good night.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

You know... I was asked for a hug from my mental health case manager after our interview a couple months ago.
To be honest, I felt a little uncomfortable and was taken aback a bit at the same time although I have no issues with hugs or other contact. Maybe it was the context of the situation as I am used to reading or otherwise understanding that this type of contact between mental health professionals and "patients" was frowned upon in the field: Is this actually true I wonder or misinformation?
I didnt necesarilly feel it was a sexual "thing" but my instincts kinda kicked in and although I consented to the hug I did not feel a true or genuine "feel" of what a hug usually is to me. It seemed contrived or kind of a "coldish" or distant hug on my part. Just felt strange to me but being open and transparent to the field of mental health is new to me altogether so maybe I am just reacting to what I hear and read... IDK.
What do ya'll think of this business of hugs in a professional environment?
I am not trying to get anyone in trouble and god forbid this is read and used against her as this is not my intent at all. I just still think about it occasionally and wonder if I am overthinking the ordeal.
I do like her as she shoots from the hip and is candid and I trust she has my best interests at heart... I should not even post this but kinda want others input, thoughts and experience on the matter as I do with any other subject matter.
@Eligiu what is your take on this please?

 

[Nurse Ratched]

You know... I was asked for a hug from my mental health case manager after our interview a couple months ago.
To be honest, I felt a little uncomfortable and was taken aback a bit at the same time although I have no issues with hugs or other contact. Maybe it was the context of the situation as I am used to reading or otherwise understanding that this type of contact between mental health professionals and "patients" was frowned upon in the field: Is this actually true I wonder or misinformation?
I didnt necesarilly feel it was a sexual "thing" but my instincts kinda kicked in and although I consented to the hug I did not feel a true or genuine "feel" of what a hug usually is to me. It seemed contrived or kind of a "coldish" or distant hug on my part. Just felt strange to me but being open and transparent to the field of mental health is new to me altogether so maybe I am just reacting to what I hear and read... IDK.
What do ya'll think of this business of hugs in a professional environment?
I am not trying to get anyone in trouble and god forbid this is read and used against her as this is not my intent at all. I just still think about it occasionally and wonder if I am overthinking the ordeal.
I do like her as she shoots from the hip and is candid and I trust she has my best interests at heart... I should not even post this but kinda want others input, thoughts and experience on the matter as I do with any other subject matter.
@Eligiu what is your take on this please?

Hugging to me is pretty personal. Like what you do with your family and loved ones and really good friends. A big hug to greet them and a big hug when you are leaving. If a therapist or another " worker " wanted to hug me I would find it very uncomfortable. I would probably do it as I would feel awkward and wouldn't want to hurt their feelings but I wouldn't like it. Wrapping your arms around somebody and hugging them tight is pretty intimate and even though people have good intentions wanting to hug us I still don't think it's appropriate. Maybe after 6 months of therapy or something when we get really close but it sounds like yours hugged you way too soon. Kind of fake and kind of weird actually. I mean shaking hands is a far better greeting than a hug with someone you barely know. To me anyway.

But I have known " hug happy" people before. They are very bubbly and always want to hug people....even strangers. I want to know someone for awhile before I start hugging them. I don't have anything against " huggers " I would rather just shake your hand or give you a fist pump. Merry Christmas sixxie.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

Wrapping your arms around somebody and hugging them tight is pretty intimate and even though people have good intentions wanting to hug us I still don't think it's appropriate.

Thanks for the input your post seems like something I would write and/or feel.
This was not my psycologist (who never even hinted at contact other than a fist bump on my way out of her office) and I hold her as a dear column of support and sincere.
This was from my case manager who I have only seen once and afterward talked to on the phone one other time.
And I agree that some are huggers and I dont have issues with this but the context just threw me off.
Thanks for the input.