My sex life and girlfriend's anxiety

[griffey_bonds49]

Hello,

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have talked about getting married one day. Thus, we are obviously in a serious relationship. The sex could be better though. In the past 3 months we have only had sex a few times, probably 4 or 5 times. I am in my mid-twenties and do have a very active and high sex drive. My girlfriend however gets anxiety anytime we lay down to do the dirty. Sometimes she can get right into it and we have great sex, other times she gets anxious and short of breath and just can't get into it. We try lube in these situations and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. She knows I love sex and then I think she thinks she needs to satisfy me and get even more anxious about having to force it. I think the anxiety happens 3 out of 4 times when we try and have sex.

I can't lie sometimes I feel rejected most of the time in our sex life. There are other times where her libido just does not match mine and I'll approach her about sex and she won't be in the mood or whatever and I feel rejected then too. She almost never approaches me for sex, she'll never jump my bones. I am always nearly 100% of the time initiating sex. It makes me feel somewhat unwanted that she never approaches me about it or tells me "I wanna fuck you" or anything like that. I suppose that is just her personality. I get worried because this is a girl I am thinking of popping the question to a few years from now...I often times feel like our sex life is that of an old married couple who had 3 kids and just aren't romantic anymore. This scares me because if our sex life is like that now? God only knows how it'll be down the line. I don't want to end up resenting her down the line in our marriage either. I am in my mid-twenties, I wanna fuck like a rabbit right now! I feel like that's part of what youth is about. I'll also try to switch it up and try and have sex with her in the living room or the kitchen etc.....she never wants to have sex anywhere but the bed.

As I continue to write this post I should say that when we do have sex, it is passionate, loving fantastic sex. Which is why it makes it even harder for me to understand why we can't be gettin' it on more often! It also makes it harder for me to understand why she doesn't want it more. I've thought about going to see a therapist with her about her anxiety, she often will say we cannot afford it though, which is true.

Bottom line is I care about this woman. I love her. I know relationships are about more than sex and we seemingly have EVERYTHING else compatibility wise but sex. I'm young so I'm probably somewhat naive but I want better sex, I consider myself a very very patient man but after 3 years of basically a pretty bland sex life, its getting harder and harder for me to understand why its like this. I can't imagine losing her over something like this....and I would never cheat. I'll break up with her before I cheat on her, she doesn't deserve to be cheated on....she is wonderful.

I dunno, I've never posted on this site before I'd just thought I'd get some opinions on what to do or how to talk to her or anything really. I'm just kinda venting I guess, I've never posted on a forum about this before....so if you've read this far thanks for reading.

1 luv.

 

[lola]

DON'T MARRY HER.

I am a woman. I've been in relationships with men who wanted more sex than me (what I thought was lower libido turned out to be just not fancying him anymore; I'm one of the most sexually active people I know). I've also been with a man who wanted less sex than me. Both were like a cancer eating away at the relationship. I agree with Dan Savage when he says he wishes people could see sexual incompatibility as the major issue it inevitably becomes over time.

I will add that, yes, sounds like she has a psychological problem re sex, maybe some unprocessed trauma; but it doesn't sound like she's willing to work on it (and p.s. it should be her therapy not couple counselling, and it should be something she wants to do because she wants to get her anxiety disorder under control and enjoy her sexuality and her ability to be a fully sexual person). If she's so in denial she won't take responsibility for this - well there's NOTHING you can do to improve things. You can't force insight. People always tell the guy "get her flowers, do the dishes, take her out blah blah blah". Doesn't work, she either wants you in a sexual way or doesn't. She either is willing to put in the work to be in a sexual relationship or she isn't. And since putting in the work means dealing with some discomfort, the fact that you don't want to make her feel uncomfortable just allows this cycle to continue.

So if she's in denial now, when you're in your 20s and yes you are meant to fuck like rabbits, well of course then where there are kids and ill parents and diseases and mortgages and other pressures it WON'T get better. In fact I'm willing to bet a substantial amount of money it'll get worse... But then she'll have all the socially acceptable excuses to avoid sex without having to sort herself out, and if you put pressure or cheat you'll be the bad guy.

Sorry for the rant. Look, you know what the issue is. You need to ask yourself:

1. Can you live without sex or with very little sex for the rest of your life (because, let's face it, this is more or less where you're heading)?
2. If not, are you willing to issue an ultimatum for her to get therapy for her sexual and other anxiety issues before you even consider marriage?
3. If not, how do you see yourself sustaining another 60 years without either going crazy, losing all your self-esteem as a sexual being or having an affair?
4. Finally, if all else fails and she simply won't budge and you don't want to lose all the good stuff you have together, you can suggest an open relationship? This allows you to have your physical needs met elsewhere with her consent and knowledge. I mean... if sex isn't an important enough issue for her to worry about, what difference does it make if you get this unimportant need met outside the relationship?

Look, I don't mean to be harsh. She's clearly young and perhaps doesn't know herself well enough. But you need to really think about this because you might be committing yourself to a lifetime of unfulfilment and regret. Just sayin'. Sorry I can't be more helpful, hugs x

 

[Lysis]

I can't be as eloquent as lola. I've been in relationships where I hated the sex, and all it made me do is not want to have it. I'm more picky in that I need a connection with someone, but being stuck with someone who doesn't turn you on sucks really badly.

Something to consider is if she doesn't like the sex. That's the only reason I think maybe both of you could do therapy...maybe she could tell you if there is something she doesn't like? I could totally see her pushing you away, but still being "comfortable" with you. That's where I was at. I hated the sex, but I was comfortable. I hate to say it but I was so happy to get out of that relationship. Of course, there were other things that were wrong too (we were total opposites) but I am very happy to find someone I am sexually compatible with.

I hate telling someone to break it off. I try not to on this forum, but like lola said, it will get worse. If she is willing to try, then that's promising, but I can tell you that for me when I hated the sex, I just wanted to avoid it and didn't want to try. I thought there was something wrong with me until I found someone compatible.