Mental Health My parents are driving me to suicide.

[cj]

First they want to make me quit methadone. Now they think one 800mg gabapentin pill fucks me up. I am sure they will be going after my kolonopin prescription next. What they don't realize is that they are slowly but surely pushing me towards suicide. I am 28 yet they make me give them my medication so "I don't abuse them". They control what jobs I am allowed to apply for which in reality means I am not allowed to apply for any jobs. I have no car and no way to make friends because we live in the middle of nowhere. They also took my cell phone away and we have no home phone so I have no way to contact old friends the outside world. I am seriously considering killing myself. I have 60 linsinopril pills, I am thinking of mixing those with as many Tylenol as I can find. I think that will do it. Frankly I don't want to live anymore.

I've been to the phych ward they have no fucking answers. They will also rip me off methadone at my current dose of 150mg because this is fucking Alabama and methadone is considered the same as heroin. I fucking hate my parents deep down inside. They're selfish relationship bickering allowed me to be molested everyday after school for 5 fucking years. And now they tell me I need to just get over it, you can't live in the past, blah blah blah, well I am fucking crippled and my only escape is the sleep that these shitty drugs provide.

I am over it I am over the fighting I'm over trying to explain myself to people in my real life who will never understand.
There's only one way out I've known it for a long time but I just haven't wanted to admit it. I haven't used heroin in 2 years and I am still miserable. I just feel trapped and I feel like it's time. I wasn't sure I wanted to wanted to do this when I started writing this I wasn't sure I wanted to do this I was hoping some other way would jump into my mind. But the relief is slowly washing over me. I don't have to deal with these fuckers anymore. And that's a goddamn miracle.

I've met some really beautiful people on this site who have tried really hard to help me and I can't thank them enough. They have made my time on this world a little more bearable. I probably shouldn't even be posting this because if I pussy out everyone will think I'm a fucking drama queen. Maybe I am a drama queen. But I am a drama queen that is hurting really fucking bad right now. I hope I find the strength to go through with this. I know most people who are serious don't write pleas for help like this so I guess I am just a little drama queen bitch who can't handle real life. Oh well I guess that's how the cracker crumbles so now I got to rewrite my dreams.

 

[xstayfadedx]

I love you. Please don't do anything my friend. Everything always works out in the end. Sit down. Try to breathe for a moment. A lot is happening at once.

 

[cj]

Well fuck me. I took all the lisinopril I had which ended up being 20 20mg pills instead of the 60 I thought.. I could only find 3 grams of Tylenol which I didn't even fucking bother with like who needs an upset stomach. I then googled and found out linsinopril is basically impossible to die from. Wonderful the universe fucking hates me. It was a good dry run in that it proved to myself that I can kill myself with pills. I just need to get the right ones.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Dude chill for real. You've been through a lot and didn't make it this far to go out this way.

 

[cj]

I'm just so fucking tired of it all. I literally have no way out except death. I'm always being accused of something. Like today I accidentally knocked the salt shack off the counter. So I must be fucked up right? Fucking assholes. But when they lie or fuck up its perfectly ok.i swear to god I have reached the fucking breaking point. It's getting kinda hard to type cause I'm seeing doubles. Sorry for the drama this thread will electable cUse but you know I am a peace of shit drama queen. Always have been always will be. I'm sure I'll regret posting this in the morning. this

 

[xstayfadedx]

Hope you're okay

 

[cj]

I'm fine physically. Thanks for the concern. Apperantly lisinopril has a fucking ridiculously good safety profile. All I got was slight double vision and cotton mouth. I feel emotionally worse today then I did yesterday. I dunno what I'm going to do tbh. Like if I go to the hospital I know that I will be looking at a massive methedrine kick followed by some bullshit rehab I don't need. Followed by a relapse on heroin. So I'm not going to the hospitL nor am I telling anyone Irl about what's going on.

 

[cj]

Now the car breaks down so no clinic today fml

 

[spacejunk]

oh man
i can really relate to your situation, cj.
my parents are really fucking sheltered and conservative, and when i started experimenting with ("soft") drugs as a teenager, they flipped the fuck out and basically restricted me from socialising, managing my own finances, having any freedom. if anything, it made my drug and mental health issues far worse.
i was very, very suicidal at the time. i felt like there was no escape.

i have had some really hard times since then - heartbreak, grief, loneliness, despair - but i've never felt as capable of doing something so extremely drastic since those days.
life has been mighty rough at times, but i've never felt lower than that.
so i totally understand.

but man - you are still a young guy, as much as you may not feel like it - and what you really need to do to get through this is, is to do what a good friend said to me when i was 19 - get out while you still can.

it sucks to hear they're restricting what jobs you can apply for - that doesn't seem to make much sense - but honestly, i've been through some orrible shit with my family over drugs - really nasty abusiveshit that my father said to me because i smoked pot (!) and he just didn't get it. said i was a bad person and whatnot.

but you're not a bad guy either - you have an enormous amount of compassion, warmth and intelligence, and i think if you get past this sense of being trapped, being hated and totally isolated, you'll see that there is a lot in this world to live for.
i mean, i hope so.
there is good life to be had on the other side of this sort of thing - trust me, you can get past it.
my relationship with my parents is better these days, but they still tend to think the worst of me sometimes - but i moved sa long way away, so their judgement can't really hurt me so much any more.

it might sound simplistic, but you need to find a way to get away from them.'
take a shitty job somewhere, and reassert your autonomy over your own life.
it win't be easy, but it wil be better than this. this is not a situation you should take your life over.

if you ever want to talk or vent, please don't hesitate to PM me. i do get what you're going through - i remember my old man accusing me of being high when i was absolutely sober, and it was really really upsetting.
i remember thinking "if i'm going to be accused of being stoned when i'm not, i may as well get stoned".
it was so counterproductive on his part - and what your folks are trying to do is going to fuck up your recovery, as you know.
for your own sake, you need to find a way out, man.
i really suffered from low self esteem and shit when i was younger, but i managed to do it - and i know that somehow, you can too.

for your own sake - you need to escape. it's not worth throwing away all your hard work, only to get abuse because they don't understand. bloody hard situation to be in, but you can do this.

 

[cj]

Man getting accused of being high when I'm sober happens all the time. It makes me think fuck you I'll go get high for real. Them restricting me and trying to stop me from getting high just makes me want to get high as a fuck you to them. In fact 90 percent of me wanting to use comes from me not wanting to let them win. I feel like if I get sober then they win and I will be damned if that is going to happen. I know your right I need to get the fuck away from them but being homeless and withdrawing from 150mg of methadone in Birmingham Alabama seems like a bad plan. In fact being a rapid metabolizer of methadone it's been like 27 hours since my last dose and I already feel like shit. Plus since my mom has my gabapentin and kolonopin at work to dole out to me when I met her there after the clinic I'll soon be in benzo and gabpentin withdrawal to top it all off. What a wonderful fucking life.

 

[spacejunk]

dude, that's scary.
is there anyone you know with wheels that can help you out? is a taxi/uber any sort of possibility?

do they know that they're jeopardising you health, and your life with these restrictions?
i mean, can you tell them what this is doing to you?

 

[cj]

I'd written a long response to you space junk but it just got lost somehow. I know I need to get away from them. But reality wise there is no way. I'm on 150mg of methadone which costs 17 dollars a day. I have no car no friends So I would be totally homeless.kicking a huge habit on the street with a recently diagnosed kidney problem that will turn into kidney failure without good nutrition and hydration. Neither of which I'm likely to get on the street not that I really give a shit if I die honestly I just don't want to die in opiate withdrawals. Ok I guess my post didn't get lost my bad. I have a shit load of anti depressants but dying of serotonin syndrome doesn't sound pretty but frankly I'm reaching the point where this is past a cry for help kinda thing. I legit wanna die. I have lots of doxepin. Lots venaxalfine the ones that look like Xanax footballs. And some other one. Anyway I know they are all Ssri Snri type drugs.

Far as like an uber I live 55 miles from Birmingham which is the nearest place with any kind of resources to speak of. Plus my grandmother is dying so I'll just be told to shut up and stop being the burden everyone knows I already am. I have no ones number because my parents took my phone and I don't have Facebook. Plus I don't really have any friends I could call as I've been socially isolated for quite awhile now all in the name of recovery. My family thinks recovery is me sitting at home all day doing nothing thus nothing bad can possibly happen.

These pills are staring at me telling me to eat them. I'm reading about secrets in syndrome now. It sounds painful but it sounds pretty foil proof because by the time anyone figured out what was wrong it would be far too late to pump my stomach and there are only supportive measures after that.

I'm gonna think about it for awhile. Thanks for the kindness spacejunk

 

[spacejunk]

please man, i know this may sound kind of empty and tokenistic - but you're going through an awful lot right now, and what you are considring is not the answer.

one of my oldest friends attempted suicide a number of times by overdosing on his medication.
he ended up in comas several times, spent days on ventilators, and gave himself some serious neurological scarring.
he's a smart guy, well educated, but he developed a lot more problems from the brain injuries his overdoses caused him.
now he lives with an ABI (acquired brain injury) from the suicide attempts, and though he has completed university degree and postgraduate studies, he battles more than ever with his psychological and physical health.
he looks like an old man, but he's only in his early 30s.

look, i don't have any easy answers for you, but i know you and your family are going through an awful lot at the moment.
it sounds like your parents' restraints on you have created something of a false dichotomy in your mind, in regards to getting clean meaning that they "win".
i'm definitely not suggesting you go and live on the streets, god no.
but is there any work you can see yourself doing, to enable you to find a place of your own, or move into some kind of shared accommodation with other people?
i lived on my own for a long time, and now share a house with three other people. it's good because it's definitely a lot more affordable, and though we were all strangers when i moved in, we are now all friends.
i tell you this just because it helped me move from the little isolated town i grew up in, to a much bigger and more interesting city.
i think there are times in a lot of people's lives where we can't see any hope for the future - but you really never know how much life can improve for you, even in a pretty short space of time.
hell, i look back to where i was at 2 or 3 years ago, and i thought i was going to be stuck in the rut i was in forever.
stay strong mate
i know it's much easier said than done - but you're a great guy with a lot to offer the world. you do a lot of great work on bluelight, and that's just a small fraction of what you are capable of once you can get out of this situation.
it might not feel possible, but you can get through this. it might sound stupid, but i definitely believe that it's true.

 

[cj]

The pills I have are not foil proof deadly enough. And I am not risking another failed suicide attempt too many of those in my past. I'm gonna wait a day or two and see how I feel. If I don't feel any different I'm going to find a more fail proof method to do this with. Or I may just sell my xbox one and hop a bus to a different city and figure the methadone issue out when I get there. I just want to get away from everyone I have ever known all this family drama I am sick of dealing with. They are holding me back in so many ways.

 

[spacejunk]

i realised a while ago that my life was going to hell if i stayed where i was, and that my best chance of overcoming the unhappiness i felt was to get the fuck out of there.
i never made too many plans, but i'm really glad i did it.
obviously you're in a much harder position, but i really hope you do find some kind of escape plan.
life is for living, and you're not getting an opportunity to do that now. i don't want to encourage you to do anything reckless, but i do encourage you to pursue any option other than suicide.
i'm only ~5 years older than you, but when i look back on where i was at 5 years ago, i don't think i ever would have expected to be where i am now back then.
things can turn around pretty fast, especially when you are driven by something as intense as this.

even when we are contemplating suicide, i think there is a certain survival instinct that can kick in. i'm of the opinion that when you're feeling so backed into a corner that you're seriously considering ending it, that's the time to make drastic changes - because it's those times that you really don't have much to lose.

take care cj

 

[cj]

i realised a while ago that my life was going to hell if i stayed where i was, and that my best chance of overcoming the unhappiness i felt was to get the fuck out of there.
i never made too many plans, but i'm really glad i did it.
obviously you're in a much harder position, but i really hope you do find some kind of escape plan.
life is for living, and you're not getting an opportunity to do that now. i don't want to encourage you to do anything reckless, but i do encourage you to pursue any option other than suicide.
i'm only ~5 years older than you, but when i look back on where i was at 5 years ago, i don't think i ever would have expected to be where i am now back then.
things can turn around pretty fast, especially when you are driven by something as intense as this.

even when we are contemplating suicide, i think there is a certain survival instinct that can kick in. i'm of the opinion that when you're feeling so backed into a corner that you're seriously considering ending it, that's the time to make drastic changes - because it's those times that you really don't have much to lose.

take care cj

True words man true words. My grandmother will be dead in the next few days I'm going to see if I get any inheritance. Maybe that will be my salvation but I'm sure she will just give it to my mom. I managed to get enough of my own kpin and gabapentin to be sedated tonight. It's bad when your 28 and have to steal your own fucking prescription. I got court for this bullshit mideminor on the 12th I'm gonna see what happens with that if I end up on probation I'm just going to catch a bus to Seattle with a bottle of loperamide and hope for the best when I get there. I know Alabama isn't going to extradite me from there and I here there are done clinics that don't charge that much or are even free to homeless people. Plus I want a little adventure in my life. Sure I've lived the drugged out dream of shooting heroin doing acid rcs k ect but I always ended up back at my parents house afterwards. I want to see what it's like to really have to survive on my own. I want to lose my naïveté

 

[G.R.S.H.]

Wow CJ- I hope that you find a solution that will work, death won't be it. They win then too! How much more restricted could you be then dead?

Lots of states have methadone clinics, check them all out and see which state you would like to try first. Maybe you go on a tour of the country's states that offer free or cheap methadone clinics... that sounds like freedom to me! You are old enough to make your own decisions, getting away from your parents seems like it might solve your wish to stop living. Use the internet to plan, take your time doing it! While you plan you can always laugh at your parents (at least in your head) because you know that their actions are going to let you create the best get-a-way vacation one could ever have! Plan it, you have some very specific needs health wise, make sure that you have a way to fill them. Always keep in mind that you have a plan brewing, and you will be successful.

I wish that you didn't have to go through all of this with your parents. Sometimes parents suck! I've been out of my parent's house for many, many years; I still can't visit for more than a couple of days though. But those couple of days are nice, and I even miss them when I leave! Make a plan that will keep you safe and healthy, but get away from the people who make you want to die!! Your not a drama queen, your an adult that doesn't want to be treated like he is 10 anymore!

 

[cj]

I'm not innocent in all this I did some bad shit too mu family in my addiction. I really feel like there's no way to repair our relationships while I am still under there roof. So I'm going to start working toward leaving with every resource I can manage. I need to sell my xbox 1 for a decent price. I feel like that will get me a bus ticket to at least Denver. From there maybe I can get involved with the cannabis game or something. I realize I'm going to be living rough and in shelters and I'm ok with that. At least its independence. I don't really have a major problem with drugs long as I can stay on methadone if I can't then we'll odds are its gonna end with me dead or end prison. So it is.

 

[Jabberwocky]

If you do move out sooner than later, perhaps you can work with your clinic to get organized with other clinics in cities you'll be passing through/end up? Do you know anyone out west who could help you or, if not with a couch with ideas about local resources?

 

[PerpetualAnhedonic]

cj- This is just so damn crazy....because I am and have been actually going through EXACTLY this....even the meds part (except kratom in place of 'done). The benzos are long gone though....my family already ruined that (went directly to my doc and ruined that relationship, told him I was drug abuser), and of course, got tossed off all the meds I was prescribed, and was too embarrassed to even go back there for anything after that....so I'm stuck with shitty Gabapentin from a different prescriber (very high dosage). Though I'm a bit surprised mine haven't gone after that yet....luckily, it's non-scheduled....but even then, they have, in the past, looked up non-scheduled drugs before, and of course, on net, there's always that "(enter drug name here) high", ya know....


Even fucking antidepressants have concerned them because of this. Currently prescribed an SSRI, gaba and they haven't pounced yet....they don't know I'm also dosing kratom daily....or that I smoke weed nightly.....or that I smoke crystal here and there.....especially when they're riding my ass or doing something exactly like what you're saying when you're just like "well I'll show them", or I don't want them to win, or when they're constantly falsely accusing me of being high, so I'm just like "well, fuck it, if they already think it....fuck you, might as well do it for real!"....it really is fucking crazy, the similarities between you and I and our situations....


It's funny, mine actually tried that shit with me too when I was prescribed scheduled meds, held onto them for same reason yours are, and I had same problems....except I didn't have car. They doled them out to me on their time, even though I needed them when I needed them (some were PRN)....so I had to do like you and "break in" their room to get them myself and as you say "steal my own script"...


I've been feeling very suicidal myself....though I've been very slowly trying to work down from it. It got to the point where it was literally all I could think about.....it was inescapable.....I guess I still think quite fondly of death, and still, the thought comforts me....I still think about it pretty frequently....but it's not 24/7 like it was....during that time though....I was definitely very sick and did some.....pretty......I guess colorful things to myself in that regard....


I've actually been homeless before.....I had somewhat of a mental break where I became more suicidal than I ever had before and was drinking myself to death....was involuntarily hospitalized.....got the news that I had lost my residence while in hospital.....lucked out after a couple days of drinking heavily enough to sleep in my car, someone from my apartment complex opened their door to me.....stayed there about a month or so.....


Sometime while living there- probably less than a week after leaving hospital- I drove to a nearby state on a whim....ended up getting arrested and robbed by the police, thrown in jail....and lost my car.
Got out the pen soon enough, went back to apt and stayed there until management found out and had me removed because it got around that I had been in psych ward and it scared people....so....I had no other options.....family wouldn't take me in....I guess probably for a "tough love" lesson.....


But funny thing is, that backfired.... I didn't do jack shit to improve myself or my life because I was too goddamn depressed and the situation didn't help a bit....and.....that's when I started using crystal meth....which I had never done before....but where I live, use is rampant.....including in the homeless community.....it's incredibly cheap and available here.....but many people had it and were quite liberal with sharing....so I started using daily just to cope...


Now.....I am living with them again and had CT'd the crystal and did good about it for several months, despite the constant harassment and false accusations and bullshit. But I eventually started getting back into it a tiny bit here and there....and there have been multiple times I've done it just as a "fuck you" to them.....they're driving me up the fucking wall, I'm seriously so fucking fed up with them, and of my life. I can never get it figured out, and I honestly see no hope in the world....it's in the shitter, and the way I see it, no going back....especially with the dark, evil nature of humans....but that's another discussion.


I'm fucking 25 and I have a curfew....even earlier than the legal curfew for minors (12- mine is 11!)! And this applies to jobs too....so I can't work or apply for jobs that are later shifts than my fucking curfew.....so they control that too. This is fucking ridiculous, they've constantly been on my ass to get a job, they've continuously put me down and verbally abused me, even talk shit behind my back, about many things, but especially my mental health, my lack of a job and being a fucking loser.....they acted like they wanted me to get work so bad, but suddenly when there is something, they completely shut that opportunity down and restrict me on my job search.....which not only makes it much less likely I can get anything, but also discourages me from even trying.


Point is, I feel your misery, suffering, etc....seems we've been to many of the same places (in experiences)...


Hhhhh.....cj.....I know I'm supposed to tell you don't kill yourself, etc.....but that's difficult for me to do when I'd feel kinda hypocritical.....and I doubt I could be taken too seriously. But what I will tell you, based off my somewhat decent knowledge of pharmacology, medicine, and pharmaceuticals.....you DO NOT want to try it with what you're talking about.....serotonin syndrome is absolute hell (in addition to the absolute hell you're/we're already in), and will most likely not kill you.....you realize these pharmaceutical companies and the health field have intentionally made most of these newer AD's basically impossible to fatally OD on, with people like you and I in mind, right? Almost no matter how many you ingest.....you'll just end up in hospital in very uncomfortable setting and horrible experiences (which also includes withdrawal from your done and whatever else...).....I guarantee it will be one of the worst experiences you'll have, and far from deadly....so please listen to me on this at least.
Although I don't feel I'm really in the position to instruct you not to kill yourself, I will say that I hope you don't....it's not often I find someone with the same experiences as I.....and like you, I'm sick and fucking tired of trying to explain myself to people that don't and can't understand or relate at all.....plus, far as I can tell, seems like you got heart, and things to offer. I've been trying many damn hardest to stick around and try moving forward no matter how fucking difficult it is and even though I'm not totally sure why anymore.....
But hope you'll do the same and try to hold on..

-PA