My paranoia and strongest deterrent

[joeleeca]

I've struggled with suicidal and irrational thoughts a few times while high on meth and it was very dangerous. At the time it wasn't scary but in hindsight they were some of the scariest moments of my life. Doing drugs and staying up too late sometimes causes an elevated state of paranoia that is even more scarier. I woke up one time thinking my wife of 27 years was trying to kill me. I thought her bother and everybody else that was in the house was out to kill me. I was so scared that I got away as far as i could. Now that is the craziest thinking I've ever had. Although the feelings were very strong they were absolutely delusional. My wife and her family are some of the most loving and harmless people I know and they wouldn't hurt anyone. For me to think she or anyone else was going to kill me was dangerous and just an unrealistic manifestation of some villains from movies, tv shows, and news episodes that I had seen before. Thank God no one got hurt or injured. On another occasion, my paranoia was about my dealer that got busted during the time I quit for a while. It made me very paranoid to think that he might think that I ratted him out even though i didn't. Then I thought about anyone else that might have gotten busted after an encounter with me and then got really paranoid that they might think that i ratted them out.... if they get busted right after your visit, what are they going to think? They might think you ratted them out. The fear of possibly being labeled a rat has been the strongest deterrent and I haven't touched that shit since then.

What's been your strongest deterrent?

 

[Beenbetter]

Losing everything. Family, wife, business, it WILL happen.
Some of us never learn until it’s too late even when the writing is on the wall.

Get out while you can.
nuff said

 

[herbavore]

Strangely, fear is not usually a very good deterrent. I'm really glad it is for you, though. I think one of the ugliest sides of addiction is how people can be immune to their own rationality. You are looking at this rationally: "I took a substance that made me so delusional that I thought my loved ones were out to kill me. I need to stay away from that substance."

I live a lot in my emotions and they too can be useful guides but there is nothing like the rational part of your brain to save you from impulse and delusion. I undervalued my rational brain until I saw its usefulness in combating anxiety. It's good to strengthen that part of yourself whenever you can. Good for you for doing that.