OpiateKiller
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2019
- Messages
- 2,364
Well guys I don’t even know where to begin honestly. So let’s start here...
Mentally - fairly exhausted. Not nearly as serene or motivated as last year. Beat down, defeated in a sense.
Emotionally - kind of numb / dead to my emotions. The methadone, alcohol and heroin I’ve been using to hold me over till my methadone refills have really blanked my emotional state. Not sad but not happy, kind of just existing at the moment.
Physically - in the worst shape I’ve been in in quite a while. Worst track marks I’ve ever had, haven’t been to the gym in a few weeks. Out of breathe fairly easily. Still somewhat strong but it’s fading in the wrong direction for sure.
Spiritually - my spirit is pretty dead. From the drugs numbing any real connection to such phenomenons, to my defeated choices. Repeated mistakes. I haven’t felt a real connection to God or the Earth in probably 4 years. I used to pray and feel connected to karma, energy, God. But since these things have long disappeared.
—-
I have not completely given up faith, I just wrapped up my job for the year. Got a nice bonus and a huge appreciation from my boss. We worked hard and did good work all season. Only missed 2 days in 6 months which is pretty good due to my substance abuse levels and frequency.
Tomorrow I go and see my methadone counselor and I tell her I want to start to taper off of methadone immediately. I’m not sure if she’ll try to convince me otherwise but it’s what I need to do. I think methadone is a great tool and has saved many lives, but for my personality and current place in life I need off of it. I want to travel, I miss my crazed sex drive and I miss being opiate free. Being on such a strong drug every day kind of gives my brain permission to abuse other drugs and not really care about my life or health. I need to get off a ASAP.
I will keep y’all posted - I plan on dropping 10 mg a week from 120 to 0 by February 1st. I know it won’t be a fun winter and there will be some sleepless nights and depressed / fatigue filled days but I need to do this. The only way I’m going to fix my mental + emotional + spiritual well-being is to sober up.
I really want to find my soul mate and focus on love. Love has taken me away from drugs better than anything else, besides maybe the gym. I want to date and find a girl who makes me happy. I had found her and I lost her faster than I had gained her. Life is too short to be living in this low state of consciousness when I know I’m capable of such greater things.
Sorry for the rant, God Bless and hope everyone is safe.
Mentally - fairly exhausted. Not nearly as serene or motivated as last year. Beat down, defeated in a sense.
Emotionally - kind of numb / dead to my emotions. The methadone, alcohol and heroin I’ve been using to hold me over till my methadone refills have really blanked my emotional state. Not sad but not happy, kind of just existing at the moment.
Physically - in the worst shape I’ve been in in quite a while. Worst track marks I’ve ever had, haven’t been to the gym in a few weeks. Out of breathe fairly easily. Still somewhat strong but it’s fading in the wrong direction for sure.
Spiritually - my spirit is pretty dead. From the drugs numbing any real connection to such phenomenons, to my defeated choices. Repeated mistakes. I haven’t felt a real connection to God or the Earth in probably 4 years. I used to pray and feel connected to karma, energy, God. But since these things have long disappeared.
—-
I have not completely given up faith, I just wrapped up my job for the year. Got a nice bonus and a huge appreciation from my boss. We worked hard and did good work all season. Only missed 2 days in 6 months which is pretty good due to my substance abuse levels and frequency.
Tomorrow I go and see my methadone counselor and I tell her I want to start to taper off of methadone immediately. I’m not sure if she’ll try to convince me otherwise but it’s what I need to do. I think methadone is a great tool and has saved many lives, but for my personality and current place in life I need off of it. I want to travel, I miss my crazed sex drive and I miss being opiate free. Being on such a strong drug every day kind of gives my brain permission to abuse other drugs and not really care about my life or health. I need to get off a ASAP.
I will keep y’all posted - I plan on dropping 10 mg a week from 120 to 0 by February 1st. I know it won’t be a fun winter and there will be some sleepless nights and depressed / fatigue filled days but I need to do this. The only way I’m going to fix my mental + emotional + spiritual well-being is to sober up.
I really want to find my soul mate and focus on love. Love has taken me away from drugs better than anything else, besides maybe the gym. I want to date and find a girl who makes me happy. I had found her and I lost her faster than I had gained her. Life is too short to be living in this low state of consciousness when I know I’m capable of such greater things.
Sorry for the rant, God Bless and hope everyone is safe.
