• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Mental Health My life feels like it’s falling apart, one piece at a time

ghostfreak

ghostfreak

Moderator: DC, F&TV, S&G
Staff member
Joined
Feb 24, 2009
Messages
3,441
So basically my wife had a missed miscarriage about what 2-3 weeks ago and I’m putting on a brave face but I just can’t hold it in any longer.

I know abusing pills is a dangerous method to cope and I’m trying my best not to (Diazepam, Alp, Pregabalin) but it’s like it’s there at the back of my head eating me away (sounds like from a song lol).

My wife is coping well, sometimes breaks down out of someone tells us they’re expecting you can see or both tears well up.

Anyway just wanted to get that off my chest.
 
ghostfreak said:
So basically my wife had a missed miscarriage about what 2-3 weeks ago and I’m putting on a brave face but I just can’t hold it in any longer.

I know abusing pills is a dangerous method to cope and I’m trying my best not to (Diazepam, Alp, Pregabalin) but it’s like it’s there at the back of my head eating me away (sounds like from a song lol).

My wife is coping well, sometimes breaks down out of someone tells us they’re expecting you can see or both tears well up.

Anyway just wanted to get that off my chest.
Click to expand...
I am really sorry to hear that man :( Were/Are you guys actively trying for a baby? The grief of a miscarriage is very real, even for the father, so please allow yourself to feel it.

You're absolutely right though, pills are really not a good way to try and cope.....firstly, you need to be sober and present in order to support your wife through this. She may appear to be coping and she may be putting on a brave face but underneath she might be really hurting. Secondly, as I said above, you need to let yourself go through the grief process and feel it properly. Numbing it with pills only stalls the grief process and you get stuck in it.

Keep us updated with how you're going okay? We're here for you mate <3
 
Sorry to hear that brother i feel for you and your wife I know this is said a lot but this is the truth time won't make it go away you will never forget but you learn to cope .You have to be strong for your wife let her know you there for her . Try to keep busy it will get better keep your head up
 
Yeah tying for our second, hit us like a ten ton hammer. Yeah been out and about everyday but it just sticks with you like web. You can’t escape it.
 
Last edited:
ghostfreak said:
Yeah tying for our second, hit us like a tennis ton hammer. Yeah been out and about everyday but it just sticks with you like web. You can’t escape it.
Click to expand...
If im being honest with you it will always be there i lost my brother when young sometimes i be doing something and the emotions pop up . But you learn to cope with it and get on with life the hurt you learn to control so it does not overwhelm you time s a great healer
 
Lot of benzo you took man.Don't judge you-you got your own pain and troubles forsure.Notice that you at least don't use opies,which is great.....i up my benzo dose two fold-before two months on 10mg valium-now on 20,sometimes 25mgs daily....You know we say:"God gives,God takes"Be beside your wife bro,she needs you.wish you well
 
Hey,

Thanks for confiding in us! We hope to do you right.

Do you think that your benzo use is enhancing your life or detracting from it? I try to not take my benzo if possible, and definitely not every day, but it is definitely tempting.

Does your wife do drugs? Sounds like she's really hurting at this sensitive time.

Do you meditate, exercise in earnest, interact regularly wit a pet, or journal? Those might be helpful activities. Let us know how we can help, and thanks again for posting.
 
Yeah about the Benzo use, I’ve stopped now so just on my prescription meds. Had quite a few left and I know it’s bad to self medicate but here we are.

I do over 5k steps a day, work just over 40 hours a day and use Daylio to track my moods. We all go out walks together and talk about it not it just hurts so bad.

My wife doesn’t do drugs but I’m always there for her and if she needs a day when I’m off I take off with my 3 year old.

I know it’s always going to be there I just need to cope better with it.
 
ghostfreak said:
I know it’s bad to self medicate but here we are.
Click to expand...
It's not that it's necessarily BAD to self-medicate, it's such a natural reaction because it's so much easier than facing the pain. It's just that usually self-medicating = numbing, which means you're not allowing yourself to process things properly, which significantly elongates the grieving process. So it just doesn't do you any favours in the long run, even though it's easier at the time.
ghostfreak said:
We all go out walks together and talk about it not it just hurts so bad.
Click to expand...
That is excellent that you talk about it. It is SO important for the healing process to talk about it together <3
ghostfreak said:
I know it’s always going to be there I just need to cope better with it.
Click to expand...
I kinda resent this statement. You don't need to cope better. You're coping how you're coping. Some days will be okay, some days will be hard, some days will be really shitty. Then one day, the days will begin to feel not-so-bad as before. That's how grief rolls. And you're allowed to not be coping sometimes. Sometimes you might be hurting so much that you feel overwhelmed and can't face the day, and that is a normal part of grieving. The important thing is that you let yourself feel it, let it hurt, let it take over you, then when you feel ready, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep on going.
 
n3ophy7e said:
That is excellent that you talk about it. It is SO important for the healing process to talk about it together <3
Click to expand...
You know I read this post yesterday and was affected pretty much all day by it. First off Ghostfreak you seem really kind. And that will take you farther in this world than anything else. The job I have right now is because the other 3 guys were dicks and I am kind. So they moved me over and got rid of them some years back.

I would say yes keeping an eye on the drug intake is important, but more important is being present at times and listening to your wife. And she should listen to you, but I am married so I know how that is. It is not easy and then throw in something as heartbreaking as this. So I say for now take your drugs but do not increase, find a balance. And keep taking walks with your wife and let her know you are present. That silly saying is the truth, 80% of life is just showing up, But we see examples all day of people that are not present and do not "show up". So the walks and talks are key. However what is also key is you taking time for yourself to heal alone. Nature walks, look at birds until insights come and you feel a little better (for 5 minutes but that is the way it works). You need your own healing. And trust your wife will also come out of this as you take care of yourself.

You know this is why when I drive I can not get road rage. The other day someone was going slow on the highway. People were passing her and giving her the finger. When I passed her I noticed she was crying. You never know what people are going through so it pays to be kind all the time.

When you look out at what people go through, I realize why Joseph Campbell called life a Hero's Journey. It is hard, painful and the fun/happy times so to be less as i age. The only good thing about this is it is temporary. I know why we die. I would lose my mind if we lived to 500 years old. But something is built up within us and we grow and I believe that is what we take with us. There is that little bit of light and hope that we are just passing through this for now.

Keep yourself well Ghostfreak. I am touched by the thoughtful responses. And while the drug thing needs to be kept in check, for now being present seems most important and by your post it seems you and your wife are very mature and will come out the other side. (until the next crisis but that is life). It does get tiring. Life can beat you down. It is amazing that we do rebound and find hope.
 
ghostfreak said:
I know abusing pills is a dangerous method to cope and I’m trying my best not to
Click to expand...
It is a hard row to hoe replacing our coping mechanisms. No doubt about that. We have been dosing for years/decades and to not seek help from our default means of coping is like a leopard changing its spots. Possible but not probable.
I am deeply sorry that you two are going through this. Not gonna say I know what yall going through as I never even came close to having a child. There really is nothing to say....
All I can do is extend my deepest sypathies and hopes that we all find the strength to live through the hell that can be our lives. And that we grow stronger as we overcome and move on to the next hell.
Always, friend. My best.
One
 
Last edited:
There is no such thing as coping better or worse. How you cope is how you cope.

I coped with my trauma, and still do, for over 15 years using substances. Around a decade of self harm too. They are *unhealthy* and *detrimental* coping mechanisms to living your best life, but if they're the only ones you've got who is anyone else to judge? I had no other coping mechanisms as a child and teenager, I simply fell into what was available and easy to find.

My trauma group gave out a handout which said something like this:

'our coping mechanisms simply kept us alive when we otherwise wouldn't have made it through. Whether they're still of benefit or not to your life currently is up to you to decide.'

I fully stand by my belief that drugs kept me alive for a significant portion of my life. Now they do more harm than good. But that's me.

For you, whatever way you are currently coping with this is a perfectly fine way to cope if it's the only way you can. I encourage you to look for something less harmful for yourself but who am I to talk? I simply say that out of concern for you. But it is your coping mechanism, not anybody else's.

And if, by chance, you were not raised to be able to activate healthy, non destructive coping mechanisms at the drop of a hat like some people are, I don't think anyone here will look down on you for turning to substances in the slightest.

Please don't pile additional guilt and shame on yourself on top of what you're already feeling. You don't deserve to feel worse.
 
I just came across this post ...sorry for your loss and your wifes loss.Its not easy to cope everyone deals with grief in their own way....no written rule book just plain survival day to day till you heal a bit.It will get better over time...i have been down that road a long long time ago.Divorced from (ex wife ) now....but seperated way back then 2000 km away.Then one day out of the blue the phone rings and its the ex telling me my youngest daughter had drowned in the backyard swimmimg pool.Suddenly life just comes to a grinding halt....Sara was 18 months old...Well it took a couple of years to get my head around it and slowly pick up the pieces to be able to move forwards.Guess what Im trying to say there is light at the end of the tunnel ...and as time goes on it shines brighter...but from time to time you always will remember. .
 
AussieJoe said:
I just came across this post ...sorry for your loss and your wifes loss.Its not easy to cope everyone deals with grief in their own way....no written rule book just plain survival day to day till you heal a bit.It will get better over time...i have been down that road a long long time ago.Divorced from (ex wife ) now....but seperated way back then 2000 km away.Then one day out of the blue the phone rings and its the ex telling me my youngest daughter had drowned in the backyard swimmimg pool.Suddenly life just comes to a grinding halt....Sara was 18 months old...Well it took a couple of years to get my head around it and slowly pick up the pieces to be able to move forwards.Guess what Im trying to say there is light at the end of the tunnel ...and as time goes on it shines brighter...but from time to time you always will remember. .
Click to expand...
Oh my god, mate I am so sad to read that. I cannot even imagine the loss you've endured. Wise words though, from someone who has lived it first-hand. Thank you <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
How are you doing? How's your partner coping? You guys have been in my thoughts <3
Click to expand...
Have just been keeping myself busy with work but it’s hard not to think about when a lot of the full time staff members have kids and we start talking about them.

My wife is doing a lot better than I am to be honest, at least I’m off until Sat so planning some quality time with the wee one as it’ll just be me and her those days.

Thanks for thinking of us ❤️
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top