Hello Bluelight community,
For some time now I have wanted to share my story but have put it off due to fear of what other people may think. But I am now sharing it. I have had some amazing experiences, but plenty of frightening experiences also, some of which I still haven't gotten over. I've suffered from severe psychosis during my time as well as serious physical complications. I have taken most recreational drugs over my time and have had mixed experiences. I feel like it is important to not disregard the good times, as if they didn't exist, people like myself wouldn't have taken drugs. I also feel it is important for the bad experiences to be shared not to scare people off, but to allow them to be educated on what could happen if they're not sensible. I will now get on to my story. I will not to make the story too long, as I doubt anyone will read the whole thread anyway.
My first encounter with drugs was with Cannabis, which I think is very common - Weed is quite the gateway drug and was certainly mine. I had just turned 15 and had recently started smoking cigarettes. I was talking to a friend who smoked over Facebook and decided to meet him for a spliff. I was nervous but excited at the same time. We met in a park and stayed under the trees. He started to roll the spliff and funnily enough I was just getting excited and not scared, though the nerves were still there. After he'd finished rolling the joint he started smoking it and I watched him eagerly awaiting my turn to smoke. Sure enough it was my turn and I smoked the rest of the joint. I didn't really feel much - perhaps a little more mellow but I certainly wasn't feeling off my face and was quite disappointed. Later that day I met up with another friend, and I remember walking through some trees with him and him hitting his head on a branch and I began to laugh uncontrollably. This is when I realised I must have been stoned, albeit I didn't feel it much.
As the months went by I started to smoke it more and more. At one point, I'd smoke a joint before school and sneak off at lunch time for a joint. This eventually lead to me smoking every single day. Sure enough my grades started to drop and I failed most of my exams at the end of school. This caused friction between me and my mother which lead me to move in with my dad.
BUT THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.
My dad has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse. It is hardly surprising that things got worse once I moved in with him. He not only did drugs with me, but encouraged me to drugs. Though I'd say we more encouraged eachother, since I certainly had to quarrels taking drugs with him. We did everything under the sun together, Weed, MDMA, LSD, Speed, Cocaine, Ketamine, Heroin and a few RC's including Methylone, Mephedrone and 2CB. We also used benzos such as Nitrazepam and Diazepam. We had access to all these drugs and not only did we use them, but we sold them to a few other drug users that he knew. I'd take so much drugs on a daily basis that after a few days, being sober was a new high for a short period of time, then the drug cycle began again. Drugs became my obsession, I'd hang around drug forums and talk about drugs, and discussing best ROA's, combos and much more. Not only did I use all these drugs, I also used them in combos, such as candyflipping, kittyflipping and speed balling. This was all fun, but it came at a price eventually.
Over the course of 6 months I had been to hospital around 5 or 6 times for stimulant psychosis. My delusions were things such as the police coming to arrest me and police helicopters flying around my house to spy on my activity. I also convinced myself there was a gang of people coming after me with guns and machetes, I'd hear voices of people conversing with eachother plotting to kill me. This was scary to the the least, but after being injected with a mix of Diazepam and an anti psychotic I always got better, so there was no reason for long term hospitalisation. But eventually this was no longer the case. I had been on a 3 day binge, and taken a lot of drugs over the course of the binge, including MDMA on the first day, followed by Cocaine for day 2 and eventually after running out of Coke I began taking speed and in vast amounts, far more than the needed dose for recreational use. At first, I felt nothing but a presence outside of my door... I saw there was no one there but I could just feel a presence. I'd look, then put my headphones back on, look then put them back on... Then after a little time I heard voices coming from the front of my house, them saying 'We can break in through the front window, he won't hear us'. I began to run around the house checking every window to make sure these people couldn't come in, but the voice just got worse... saying 'he has seen us lets get in through the back way'.. I eventually phoned the police and told them people were breaking in to my house and soon enough they came and it was evident i was just psychotic. They contacted an ambulance and I was off to hospital. But in the hospital I was still psychotic, thinking the nurses weren't really nurses but people sent to poison me to kill me. I was completely and utterly psychotic and I couldn't even speak as the voices got so loud I could only focus on them. I eventually got sectioned and sent to a mental unit for 4 weeks. It was from there, at the age of just 17 that the social workers told me I was unfit to live with my dad and I had to be taken in to care.
During my time in care, I was sent to the hospital for another episode of psychosis, only this time I had taken no drugs. Clearly all of the drugs had an impact on my mental health that was long term.
I spent two years in care, and was clean throughout the whole period. I was then released from care and started to live at my mum again aged 19. I was in a job, working 40 hours a week. It was a dead end job and I'd often get depressed working there, thinking 'is this what my life is worth?'. My mum went away on holiday and during that time I acquired Cocaine and proceeded to have a 3 day binge. As usual, this led to me becoming psychotic and phoning one of her friends who when he came around, it was evident to him that I had taken drugs and he phoned another one of my mums friends who then took me to hospital. My heart rate was 180BPM which is insanely high, though this is hardly surprising considering the amount of Cocaine I had been ingesting. My mum then phoned me to say I had to go back with my dad once again, and I packed my stuff and set off.
But guess what happened? Yes you guessed it, I started taking drugs there again with my dad. This went on for a month, during which time I suffered psychosis again. I got rushed to hospital whilst psychotic. I spent a full day in the hospital before being released. Not long after this, a hostel located within my mums area contacted me and said they had a space available for me and I said I'd take it.
This was when she contacted me again after so long. The girl I wanted to meet for so long, after conversing with her over the internet for a long period of time. We had liked each other but she was too shy to meet me so we didn't talk for six months. But god was on my side here, the second it was looking like everything would be fine, a semi stable place to live and moving closer to her area. We met 10 days after I moved in to the hostel. Goodness knows what she saw in me, I had tidied myself up a bit with a new haircut and clothes, but I was still a worthless druggie. Everything was fine for around a month before I decided to acquire some Heroin and go off to the bathroom and taking it in secret. After few hours of taking it I started to puke my guts up, as that is a very common side effect of Heroin. I told her I must have had a bad stomach and left it at that. It wasn't until the next day I admitted to her over text that I had actually in fact taken Heroin. She told me she started crying, and I felt guilty. But not long after this I went on a 2 day binge of speed and on the 3rd day she came around to my room and noticed i was on drugs. This was now the second time I had lied to her, and she told me once more then we are breaking up.
A couple months after I had acquired some LSD and whilst she was having a bath, I took it. I do not know for the life of me that I thought I'd be able to get away with tripping whilst trying to act sober. Sure as shit she founds out and I ended up having a bad trip as I was not in the right setting. She looked after me whilst I was scared from tripping badly. After a few hours when the trip started to turn in to a good one and I had gotten over the initial fear she left and called me disgusting. She came back about half an hour later and sine I was still tripping, I began to play with my lighter and laugh at how cool it looked. This did not go down well with her. The trip then lasted all night, I must have been tripping for 12 hours or so but when the morning finally came and I was stone cold sober I felt so guilty. She didn't break up with me but made me attend an NA meeting.
After the bad trip something changed in me, I was paranoid 24/7 and struggled to sleep most nights. Due to me lying in the past, she assumed I was still taking drugs and it caused aggro in our relationship. We eventually moved in to our own flat and yet again I acquired drugs, Cocaine again. I convinced her to take it with me by promising her this would be the last time I took it. We were having a good time, until she took a line that was by far too big that I made for her. She started panicking and I just left her as I didn't want to phone an ambulance as I thought this wasn't needed.
After that night she has suffered random panic attacks and severe anxiety and as always, I get paranoid very easily. I am now on Olanzapine and get quite a few episodes of being delusional. My life has not been the same after taking all of these drugs. Drugs can be good for those who use them sensibly, but a lot of people don't and are addicts, and the problem is you don't know if you are until its too late. I am not pro drugs anymore, and I believe that if you do insist on taking drugs, to use proper harm reduction techniques. Let my story be a lesson to those who are reckless with their behaviour. Always be sensible with your drug use, or you might end up like me. I used to always think true happiness is brought on by drugs, but true despair can just as easily be brought on by them. I have tried to condense this story down as much as I can, so not every detail is there. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably be dead by now, she is my saviour and my whole life and is the reason I am over a year clean and going strong. As I have said, I have tried t condense this down so its not overly long to read.
Hope you are inspired
For some time now I have wanted to share my story but have put it off due to fear of what other people may think. But I am now sharing it. I have had some amazing experiences, but plenty of frightening experiences also, some of which I still haven't gotten over. I've suffered from severe psychosis during my time as well as serious physical complications. I have taken most recreational drugs over my time and have had mixed experiences. I feel like it is important to not disregard the good times, as if they didn't exist, people like myself wouldn't have taken drugs. I also feel it is important for the bad experiences to be shared not to scare people off, but to allow them to be educated on what could happen if they're not sensible. I will now get on to my story. I will not to make the story too long, as I doubt anyone will read the whole thread anyway.
My first encounter with drugs was with Cannabis, which I think is very common - Weed is quite the gateway drug and was certainly mine. I had just turned 15 and had recently started smoking cigarettes. I was talking to a friend who smoked over Facebook and decided to meet him for a spliff. I was nervous but excited at the same time. We met in a park and stayed under the trees. He started to roll the spliff and funnily enough I was just getting excited and not scared, though the nerves were still there. After he'd finished rolling the joint he started smoking it and I watched him eagerly awaiting my turn to smoke. Sure enough it was my turn and I smoked the rest of the joint. I didn't really feel much - perhaps a little more mellow but I certainly wasn't feeling off my face and was quite disappointed. Later that day I met up with another friend, and I remember walking through some trees with him and him hitting his head on a branch and I began to laugh uncontrollably. This is when I realised I must have been stoned, albeit I didn't feel it much.
As the months went by I started to smoke it more and more. At one point, I'd smoke a joint before school and sneak off at lunch time for a joint. This eventually lead to me smoking every single day. Sure enough my grades started to drop and I failed most of my exams at the end of school. This caused friction between me and my mother which lead me to move in with my dad.
BUT THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.
My dad has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse. It is hardly surprising that things got worse once I moved in with him. He not only did drugs with me, but encouraged me to drugs. Though I'd say we more encouraged eachother, since I certainly had to quarrels taking drugs with him. We did everything under the sun together, Weed, MDMA, LSD, Speed, Cocaine, Ketamine, Heroin and a few RC's including Methylone, Mephedrone and 2CB. We also used benzos such as Nitrazepam and Diazepam. We had access to all these drugs and not only did we use them, but we sold them to a few other drug users that he knew. I'd take so much drugs on a daily basis that after a few days, being sober was a new high for a short period of time, then the drug cycle began again. Drugs became my obsession, I'd hang around drug forums and talk about drugs, and discussing best ROA's, combos and much more. Not only did I use all these drugs, I also used them in combos, such as candyflipping, kittyflipping and speed balling. This was all fun, but it came at a price eventually.
Over the course of 6 months I had been to hospital around 5 or 6 times for stimulant psychosis. My delusions were things such as the police coming to arrest me and police helicopters flying around my house to spy on my activity. I also convinced myself there was a gang of people coming after me with guns and machetes, I'd hear voices of people conversing with eachother plotting to kill me. This was scary to the the least, but after being injected with a mix of Diazepam and an anti psychotic I always got better, so there was no reason for long term hospitalisation. But eventually this was no longer the case. I had been on a 3 day binge, and taken a lot of drugs over the course of the binge, including MDMA on the first day, followed by Cocaine for day 2 and eventually after running out of Coke I began taking speed and in vast amounts, far more than the needed dose for recreational use. At first, I felt nothing but a presence outside of my door... I saw there was no one there but I could just feel a presence. I'd look, then put my headphones back on, look then put them back on... Then after a little time I heard voices coming from the front of my house, them saying 'We can break in through the front window, he won't hear us'. I began to run around the house checking every window to make sure these people couldn't come in, but the voice just got worse... saying 'he has seen us lets get in through the back way'.. I eventually phoned the police and told them people were breaking in to my house and soon enough they came and it was evident i was just psychotic. They contacted an ambulance and I was off to hospital. But in the hospital I was still psychotic, thinking the nurses weren't really nurses but people sent to poison me to kill me. I was completely and utterly psychotic and I couldn't even speak as the voices got so loud I could only focus on them. I eventually got sectioned and sent to a mental unit for 4 weeks. It was from there, at the age of just 17 that the social workers told me I was unfit to live with my dad and I had to be taken in to care.
During my time in care, I was sent to the hospital for another episode of psychosis, only this time I had taken no drugs. Clearly all of the drugs had an impact on my mental health that was long term.
I spent two years in care, and was clean throughout the whole period. I was then released from care and started to live at my mum again aged 19. I was in a job, working 40 hours a week. It was a dead end job and I'd often get depressed working there, thinking 'is this what my life is worth?'. My mum went away on holiday and during that time I acquired Cocaine and proceeded to have a 3 day binge. As usual, this led to me becoming psychotic and phoning one of her friends who when he came around, it was evident to him that I had taken drugs and he phoned another one of my mums friends who then took me to hospital. My heart rate was 180BPM which is insanely high, though this is hardly surprising considering the amount of Cocaine I had been ingesting. My mum then phoned me to say I had to go back with my dad once again, and I packed my stuff and set off.
But guess what happened? Yes you guessed it, I started taking drugs there again with my dad. This went on for a month, during which time I suffered psychosis again. I got rushed to hospital whilst psychotic. I spent a full day in the hospital before being released. Not long after this, a hostel located within my mums area contacted me and said they had a space available for me and I said I'd take it.
This was when she contacted me again after so long. The girl I wanted to meet for so long, after conversing with her over the internet for a long period of time. We had liked each other but she was too shy to meet me so we didn't talk for six months. But god was on my side here, the second it was looking like everything would be fine, a semi stable place to live and moving closer to her area. We met 10 days after I moved in to the hostel. Goodness knows what she saw in me, I had tidied myself up a bit with a new haircut and clothes, but I was still a worthless druggie. Everything was fine for around a month before I decided to acquire some Heroin and go off to the bathroom and taking it in secret. After few hours of taking it I started to puke my guts up, as that is a very common side effect of Heroin. I told her I must have had a bad stomach and left it at that. It wasn't until the next day I admitted to her over text that I had actually in fact taken Heroin. She told me she started crying, and I felt guilty. But not long after this I went on a 2 day binge of speed and on the 3rd day she came around to my room and noticed i was on drugs. This was now the second time I had lied to her, and she told me once more then we are breaking up.
A couple months after I had acquired some LSD and whilst she was having a bath, I took it. I do not know for the life of me that I thought I'd be able to get away with tripping whilst trying to act sober. Sure as shit she founds out and I ended up having a bad trip as I was not in the right setting. She looked after me whilst I was scared from tripping badly. After a few hours when the trip started to turn in to a good one and I had gotten over the initial fear she left and called me disgusting. She came back about half an hour later and sine I was still tripping, I began to play with my lighter and laugh at how cool it looked. This did not go down well with her. The trip then lasted all night, I must have been tripping for 12 hours or so but when the morning finally came and I was stone cold sober I felt so guilty. She didn't break up with me but made me attend an NA meeting.
After the bad trip something changed in me, I was paranoid 24/7 and struggled to sleep most nights. Due to me lying in the past, she assumed I was still taking drugs and it caused aggro in our relationship. We eventually moved in to our own flat and yet again I acquired drugs, Cocaine again. I convinced her to take it with me by promising her this would be the last time I took it. We were having a good time, until she took a line that was by far too big that I made for her. She started panicking and I just left her as I didn't want to phone an ambulance as I thought this wasn't needed.
After that night she has suffered random panic attacks and severe anxiety and as always, I get paranoid very easily. I am now on Olanzapine and get quite a few episodes of being delusional. My life has not been the same after taking all of these drugs. Drugs can be good for those who use them sensibly, but a lot of people don't and are addicts, and the problem is you don't know if you are until its too late. I am not pro drugs anymore, and I believe that if you do insist on taking drugs, to use proper harm reduction techniques. Let my story be a lesson to those who are reckless with their behaviour. Always be sensible with your drug use, or you might end up like me. I used to always think true happiness is brought on by drugs, but true despair can just as easily be brought on by them. I have tried to condense this story down as much as I can, so not every detail is there. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably be dead by now, she is my saviour and my whole life and is the reason I am over a year clean and going strong. As I have said, I have tried t condense this down so its not overly long to read.
Hope you are inspired
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