As I was laying in bed last night with Ritalin wearing off and thinking, I had a moment of clarity and understood the TRUTH about my life.
Why am I being punished? Do I deserve such an unhappy life? It is obvious, but the purpose it serves and why I deserve it became clear.
What I did was wrong, I admit and take the blame for all.
Now finally I understood why I was given a second chance after my death. I now know I will always suffer in this life without love. It is debatable whether I killed it or it would have withered anyway. Love is not enough and it always dies (except The Love of God)
Our love died the day I brought hard drugs into our home and any flittering hope was bashed the day I was betrayed in the only way that matters to a MAN.
Since my wife is clearly not well (borderline crazy and blames arguments and self harm on me) and we have two children, I deserve this punishment and this is what I deserve. I must now function to lift her up and do everything in my power for the children as well and protect them. I finally I understand clearly why I must get clean and stay clean, it is not only because of the suffering it causes to my family, which I used to dismiss subconsciously as this being only my wife's opinion),
* I must be clean so as to best serve my punishment and responsibility *
However when I do get clean, I don't except for things to fix themselves. This love is gone forever sadly I must admit. I will always be suffering till death and I deserve it. Before I was always rationalizing my drug use because since even when I was clean at some lengths of time, but things still got really really bad regardless. It was already too late I just didn't realize that my condemnation has started shortly before. No, that is not true, I was given many second chances and all of them I wasted. Trying to rationalize that I should have kept on using anyway since it wont get better, was flawed.
It wont get better, now it truly is too late, our love is dead, but it is my responsibility for my wife and children, and the punishment is for the choices I made. And this is why God saved me to serve my punishment and dutifully fulfill my responsibility. There will never be love between us ever. But I must bear this cross. And maybe just maybe I will be forgiven and find heaven after life. p.s. there is always hope.
Please pray for us
Why am I being punished? Do I deserve such an unhappy life? It is obvious, but the purpose it serves and why I deserve it became clear.
What I did was wrong, I admit and take the blame for all.
Now finally I understood why I was given a second chance after my death. I now know I will always suffer in this life without love. It is debatable whether I killed it or it would have withered anyway. Love is not enough and it always dies (except The Love of God)
Our love died the day I brought hard drugs into our home and any flittering hope was bashed the day I was betrayed in the only way that matters to a MAN.
Since my wife is clearly not well (borderline crazy and blames arguments and self harm on me) and we have two children, I deserve this punishment and this is what I deserve. I must now function to lift her up and do everything in my power for the children as well and protect them. I finally I understand clearly why I must get clean and stay clean, it is not only because of the suffering it causes to my family, which I used to dismiss subconsciously as this being only my wife's opinion),
* I must be clean so as to best serve my punishment and responsibility *
However when I do get clean, I don't except for things to fix themselves. This love is gone forever sadly I must admit. I will always be suffering till death and I deserve it. Before I was always rationalizing my drug use because since even when I was clean at some lengths of time, but things still got really really bad regardless. It was already too late I just didn't realize that my condemnation has started shortly before. No, that is not true, I was given many second chances and all of them I wasted. Trying to rationalize that I should have kept on using anyway since it wont get better, was flawed.
It wont get better, now it truly is too late, our love is dead, but it is my responsibility for my wife and children, and the punishment is for the choices I made. And this is why God saved me to serve my punishment and dutifully fulfill my responsibility. There will never be love between us ever. But I must bear this cross. And maybe just maybe I will be forgiven and find heaven after life. p.s. there is always hope.
Please pray for us
