Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[yubacity]

urgh can totally get not wanting to apply for a job somewhere you used to shoplift, even if its not the same shop, you don't know what info they share between shops in the local area.

what other interviews do you have? just try and come across like you actively want the job and know what it is, scrub up well, etc. i really hope you get something. must be super scary. definitely good you're clean now or it could be horrendous- you'd easily end up homeless.

@yubacity you finally going to rehab?!? i really hope so, and that it helps.

why on earth were they asking for citric in a butchers?

i'm not sober- i did quite well in august and early september. then shit. and i've been purging. but its caught up with me now and my stomach has had me bedridden most of the past 3 days. moving house soon. just need to get the final bits sorted and work out when to move the cats.

How you doing m, ate we use citric acid to make panner it curdles the milk they sell groceries for Indian Pakistani cooking.

I'm finally going to do it my friend this is not a life I say this a lot but I'm not going to let this thing beat me

Your purging, not good chin-up can I ask what feeling you get that makes you purge not being nosey but want to know why i told you how much years of doing it fucked me up don't go the same way. All it takes is a breathe in while doing it to get aspiration pneumonia and that is horrible you don't want that

 

[Jabberwocky]

fair enough re the paneer but still.

when are you going in? if you pm me the name you're under i'll send you a card. i loved getting post in rehab.

i don't intend to go the same way re purging. being so ill the past few days has been a wake up call. though i still purged saturday and twice yesterday. when i'm in my own place i will have control over my food which will help a lot. i don't wanna carry on, it makes me feel like crap and its gross.

 

[Jabberwocky]

rio where are you!

and @yubacity are you in rehab and please tell me you're in rehab.

 

[yubacity]

rio where are you!

and @yubacity are you in rehab and please tell me you're in rehab.

Not yet mate but of the gear stable on 300 mg of pregabalin got it low as i can go without jumping so will need medical detox. Was just getting myself sorted of that this is my last rattle mate apart from the fucking pregabs. How are you doing on the purging have you got that under control i on been on here a little last few days when in detox cant do it so dont know how you've been. Want to go back to the states when had detox but im still under investigation by the cunts might just fuck them off. In this detox, my fucking hair has gone white at the front a big patch of it . Might skip the personal shit in rehab don't really want to go there hope they ok with it

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Not yet mate but of the gear stable on 300 mg of pregabalin got it low as i can go without jumping so will need medical detox. Was just getting myself sorted of that this is my last rattle mate apart from the fucking pregabs. How are you doing on the purging have you got that under control i on been on here a little last few days when in detox cant do it so dont know how you've been. Want to go back to the states when had detox but im still under investigation by the cunts might just fuck them off. In this detox, my fucking hair has gone white at the front a big patch of it . Might skip the personal shit in rehab don't really want to go there hope they ok with it

How are you yuba?? At the rehab I went to they would give you time but eventually you had to share some personal stories. You might feel differently about it when you are actually there?? Are you in detox now??

@chinup really sorry to hear about your ED. How are things other than that?

I will make a more detailed post tomorrow when I am at a computer instead of my phone, but the main parts are that I am 7 days clean (only on 2mg subutex), I had a lapse for a few days, spent more money I don't have and have managed to pull it back. I have been going up and down feeling depressed then OK but my motivation to stay clean is really high now. I am throwing myself into a jobsearch and want nothing more than to hit that part of sobriety where I feel grateful to not be on drugs and things feel easy again. It will take time but I am trying, again!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey guys. I hope you're well.

Eight days in today. Thought I would try and give a proper update now that I'm in front of a keyboard again. God, I missed having a PC/laptop - typing it out on the phone is such a hassle in comparison! So I'm 8 days in now. I had a lapse for just under a week before that, and that lapse ended just under 3 weeks clean but is wasn't a good three weeks - I actually feel like I'm already doing better than I was then, I think because I got drunk a few times over those 3 weeks and I think that was actually really fucking with my mental progress. This time it's been nothing but the subutex and I feel a lot better for it. I am still having the usual ups and downs, but they aren't too intense and I feel strong & motivated to get through this.

One thing that's giving me hope is that I really know what it's like to be doing well in sobriety now. I had 10 days short of 3 months before, and though that doesn't sound like a long time by the end of those 3 months everything in my life - my personality, my outlook, how I spent my days, who I was spending time with - had changed so much from the beginning of the sobriety attempt. I had sunk so low before that with the bender from January - April, and it was invigorating and reassuring to seem to break through to something resembling happiness.

However, I fucked it up, again, with a relationship. I started seeing a girl (I'm actually still seeing her but we're in a FWB situation now) and, as is normal for me in early sobriety, I fell for her fucking hard. So when that didn't go to plan it was easy to justify throwing everything away for a hit to make me feel better, and ever since that stupid fucking decision I made back in August I have yet to get anywhere near where I was just a week before that. What gives me confidence though is that I know what my mistake was - I was nowhere near ready for a relationship. I thought I was on a trampoline, when really I was on a tightrope, and I should not have jumped off so readily. I won't be making that mistake again - I am seeing the same girl semi-regularly, but after whats happened we both have some emotional boundaries in place and are keeping it casual, which I think is way healthier for me at the moment.

I am eight days in and I do feel good about that and I am making steps in the right direction. I have a job interview on Friday and am sending off applications everyday, I am spending more time with the right people, I am meditating every day and getting back into running and I am just trying to piece my life back together. It may be too little to save my flat - I may end up being evicted before I get the money together, but you know what? I have thought about it and I know I will be OK. I won't be literally on the streets - I may be sofa surfing for a little while, but if I stay clean then I know it won't be long til I'm in a new place that I'm just as happy in. I know that it's in my power to fix my life.

@yubacity @chinup - sorry I fell off the face of the earth. Going to be hanging around again now, and I really hope you guys are doing a little better than me at least!

 

[yubacity]

Hey guys. I hope you're well.

Eight days in today. Thought I would try and give a proper update now that I'm in front of a keyboard again. God, I missed having a PC/laptop - typing it out on the phone is such a hassle in comparison! So I'm 8 days in now. I had a lapse for just under a week before that, and that lapse ended just under 3 weeks clean but is wasn't a good three weeks - I actually feel like I'm already doing better than I was then, I think because I got drunk a few times over those 3 weeks and I think that was actually really fucking with my mental progress. This time it's been nothing but the subutex and I feel a lot better for it. I am still having the usual ups and downs, but they aren't too intense and I feel strong & motivated to get through this.

One thing that's giving me hope is that I really know what it's like to be doing well in sobriety now. I had 10 days short of 3 months before, and though that doesn't sound like a long time by the end of those 3 months everything in my life - my personality, my outlook, how I spent my days, who I was spending time with - had changed so much from the beginning of the sobriety attempt. I had sunk so low before that with the bender from January - April, and it was invigorating and reassuring to seem to break through to something resembling happiness.

However, I fucked it up, again, with a relationship. I started seeing a girl (I'm actually still seeing her but we're in a FWB situation now) and, as is normal for me in early sobriety, I fell for her fucking hard. So when that didn't go to plan it was easy to justify throwing everything away for a hit to make me feel better, and ever since that stupid fucking decision I made back in August I have yet to get anywhere near where I was just a week before that. What gives me confidence though is that I know what my mistake was - I was nowhere near ready for a relationship. I thought I was on a trampoline, when really I was on a tightrope, and I should not have jumped off so readily. I won't be making that mistake again - I am seeing the same girl semi-regularly, but after whats happened we both have some emotional boundaries in place and are keeping it casual, which I think is way healthier for me at the moment.

I am eight days in and I do feel good about that and I am making steps in the right direction. I have a job interview on Friday and am sending off applications everyday, I am spending more time with the right people, I am meditating every day and getting back into running and I am just trying to piece my life back together. It may be too little to save my flat - I may end up being evicted before I get the money together, but you know what? I have thought about it and I know I will be OK. I won't be literally on the streets - I may be sofa surfing for a little while, but if I stay clean then I know it won't be long til I'm in a new place that I'm just as happy in. I know that it's in my power to fix my life.

@yubacity @chinup - sorry I fell off the face of the earth. Going to be hanging around again now, and I really hope you guys are doing a little better than me at least!

Youn dont want a bird at the moment like you said you will just find an excuse just knock one out bruv i fancied something differant today but just knocked one out in the shower and that was that. Getting bored of being with wife only for so long now really want a bit of coke and crack sex get down and dirty but i really don't want to hurt my wife

 

[Jabberwocky]

rio!! glad to see you back. i'm absolutely exhausted cos moving my cats has been a stress so not had decent sleep since last week. will reply tomorrow.

yuba! get in rehab right now!!

 

[Jabberwocky]

alright rio- got time to make a bit more of a reply. i'm still fucking exhausted, not sure i'm not getting ill tbh i'm sat freezing under a duvet with a jumper and a hoodie on and the heating on.

would agree with yuba to have a break from the girl. you're really vulnerable right now. you might fall for her again. just wait a couple of weeks before seeing her again. i always find if i don't start becoming attracted to someone i'm sleeping with on a deeper level i lose interest in them sexually. so it either ends naturally or develops into a relationship. its not as easy as just saying you won't 'let it happen, we don't have that much control.

can you contact CAB about your flat? they might be able to help. i think you def have extenuating circumstances!!

its good you feel optimistic but it sounds like you genuinely do have a lot on your plate, its not ideal for early recovery, so get as much help as you can. even if you feel uncomfortable, people like your mum and brother would prefer to help you now than see you relapse again. like just helping you with any admin that might help re your flat, or taking you to job interviews. are you doing your SMART meetings again?

just don't do this alone man. you don't need to and you will have better chances of getting into long term abstinence if you don't ask too much of yourself. staying clean of hard drugs and weathering the storm of emotions using them causes when you stop is enough. let alone having to fight for your flat, get a job, keep up a relationship (no matter how casual).

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Youn dont want a bird at the moment like you said you will just find an excuse just knock one out bruv i fancied something differant today but just knocked one out in the shower and that was that. Getting bored of being with wife only for so long now really want a bit of coke and crack sex get down and dirty but i really don't want to hurt my wife

I really ought to stay away from her, I know, but the problem is is that we get on so well and the sex is amazing, but I have found myself with feelings for her creeping back in. If it weren't for her fucking ex boyfriend still being in the picture then I'm sure we would be great together, but because part of her is still pining for that asshole she can't commit to anything. I can't turn her down and don't want to deny myself since it's one of the only ways I can really have fun sober at the moment, so I'm just trying my best to stop feelings from creeping back in.

How are you at the moment yuba? Are you using??

alright rio- got time to make a bit more of a reply. i'm still fucking exhausted, not sure i'm not getting ill tbh i'm sat freezing under a duvet with a jumper and a hoodie on and the heating on.

would agree with yuba to have a break from the girl. you're really vulnerable right now. you might fall for her again. just wait a couple of weeks before seeing her again. i always find if i don't start becoming attracted to someone i'm sleeping with on a deeper level i lose interest in them sexually. so it either ends naturally or develops into a relationship. its not as easy as just saying you won't 'let it happen, we don't have that much control.

can you contact CAB about your flat? they might be able to help. i think you def have extenuating circumstances!!

its good you feel optimistic but it sounds like you genuinely do have a lot on your plate, its not ideal for early recovery, so get as much help as you can. even if you feel uncomfortable, people like your mum and brother would prefer to help you now than see you relapse again. like just helping you with any admin that might help re your flat, or taking you to job interviews. are you doing your SMART meetings again?

just don't do this alone man. you don't need to and you will have better chances of getting into long term abstinence if you don't ask too much of yourself. staying clean of hard drugs and weathering the storm of emotions using them causes when you stop is enough. let alone having to fight for your flat, get a job, keep up a relationship (no matter how casual).

You're probably right about the girl. She also doesn't seem like the type to casually sleep around and has told me that she finds it really hard to separate sex & emotions and I guess part of me is hoping that if we keep up the friends with benefits situation then it will naturally develop into something more and that's not too healthy, but I just can't bring myself to cut her out of my life. I am spending time with some other friends, but I really genuinely connect with her and spending time with her is making early sobriety so much easier, you know?? You are totally right that it's harder than just saying "I won't let it happen" - what I meant is is that when I get thoughts about wishing she was my girlfriend or whatever then I remind myself of the situation we are actually in and that it's temporary to try not to get too attached to her, and so far this time around I am way less obsessive about it than I was when we were actually dating.

Contacting CAB is a great idea! I hadn't actually considered that. My mum has been a huge help, as have my friends, and I am trying to avoid the trap of isolation. I have found in the past 11 days of sobriety that I have felt way better than I did the last time I got clean when I did just under 3 weeks, and I think one of the main reasons is just because I'm not isolating this time like I was then.

When you put it like that, it does seem like I'm dealing with a lot! However, one good thing is that I was offered a job yesterday and took it. It's just a job at Pizza Hut, but at least I'll have some money coming in and it's one less thing to worry about. I hope I can get my wages before they apply to repossess my flat, but even in that scenario I will survive - now that I have a job it doesn't feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice about to fall into disaster!

How have you been? Have you moved house?


So today I'm pretty happy. I have a job, I hit double day digits of sobriety yesterday, and the positive changes are starting to have some effect. Like you said tho @chinup I know there's a storm ahead that I will have to weather, but I am remembering more and more what it was like to have over 2 months clean - that was when something really seemed to click before and I was less of an emotional mess, so I know that even though I am having dramatic ups and downs at the moment, there is stability on the other side of the chaos, I just have to get through to it.

 

[yubacity]

I really ought to stay away from her, I know, but the problem is is that we get on so well and the sex is amazing, but I have found myself with feelings for her creeping back in. If it weren't for her fucking ex boyfriend still being in the picture then I'm sure we would be great together, but because part of her is still pining for that asshole she can't commit to anything. I can't turn her down and don't want to deny myself since it's one of the only ways I can really have fun sober at the moment, so I'm just trying my best to stop feelings from creeping back in.

How are you at the moment yuba? Are you using??



You're probably right about the girl. She also doesn't seem like the type to casually sleep around and has told me that she finds it really hard to separate sex & emotions and I guess part of me is hoping that if we keep up the friends with benefits situation then it will naturally develop into something more and that's not too healthy, but I just can't bring myself to cut her out of my life. I am spending time with some other friends, but I really genuinely connect with her and spending time with her is making early sobriety so much easier, you know?? You are totally right that it's harder than just saying "I won't let it happen" - what I meant is is that when I get thoughts about wishing she was my girlfriend or whatever then I remind myself of the situation we are actually in and that it's temporary to try not to get too attached to her, and so far this time around I am way less obsessive about it than I was when we were actually dating.

Contacting CAB is a great idea! I hadn't actually considered that. My mum has been a huge help, as have my friends, and I am trying to avoid the trap of isolation. I have found in the past 11 days of sobriety that I have felt way better than I did the last time I got clean when I did just under 3 weeks, and I think one of the main reasons is just because I'm not isolating this time like I was then.

When you put it like that, it does seem like I'm dealing with a lot! However, one good thing is that I was offered a job yesterday and took it. It's just a job at Pizza Hut, but at least I'll have some money coming in and it's one less thing to worry about. I hope I can get my wages before they apply to repossess my flat, but even in that scenario I will survive - now that I have a job it doesn't feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice about to fall into disaster!

How have you been? Have you moved house?


So today I'm pretty happy. I have a job, I hit double day digits of sobriety yesterday, and the positive changes are starting to have some effect. Like you said tho @chinup I know there's a storm ahead that I will have to weather, but I am remembering more and more what it was like to have over 2 months clean - that was when something really seemed to click before and I was less of an emotional mess, so I know that even though I am having dramatic ups and downs at the moment, there is stability on the other side of the chaos, I just have to get through to it.

Listen bruv if the sex is amazing and you like her it's all ok but you are in recovery this thing blows up there is only one way you be consoling yourself and it won't be crying on your mom's shoulder. Friends with benefits only work with certain people I could have friends with benefits because I have a wife i love so wont develop those feelings of love you loved
this girl so those feelings will come back they have by the way you write

Dont let it worry you just keep being clean your 1st thing why you letting him be in the picture let him know first then if still there step up bruv fuck that stupid prick is he fucking her also if not he wants to

 

[yubacity]

Sorry bruv wrong advice dont punch him that get you in shit dont let feelings get in the way you can do that good luck

Im good bruv im using but using in a way that still keeps me not addicted ill miss 2 days between heroin but im spending the 2 day inbetween just tyhinking of the day i can use today is using day i woke up at 5 am to smoke some gear .

 

[yubacity]

Don't give the ex a beating i should not advised that just drive him crazy by letting him know how good the sex is and by doing your bit with her pleasing a women should come before pleasing your own needs do that she will fuck him of

 

[yubacity]

Listen bruv I'm a bit fucked right now so not telling you the truth i just want my brother to enjoy being with a women but you already letting your feelings creep in. The truth is i think you going to fuck up you don't let me help you risk your flat you got a job that's great but how many things do you want to juggle at this stage of your recovery. You ain't out the woods you still in them this will blow up in your face how much emotions you got invested in this girl a girl you loved in the past those things that you loved about her still there you will be back in love she not from our world won't understand how vulnerable you are or have the patience fuck you off and you back putting shit in your veins . Dont have to much going on keep your job the paycheak make you feel good but bruv im only saying this because i have geniuine love for you . You dont take my money but take my advice this relationship not the best idea

 

[yubacity]

Thanks rio now i got a 20 something in mind nice pert tits great fanny to munch on and just wants to snort coke and fuck those were the days . Listen bruv have one last sexual encounter with this girl the next day just tell her its to early for you . BE truthful are you in love with her

 

[Jabberwocky]

well done for getting a job!!! i don't think it matters what it is, as long as it isn't hell- like if it turns out your team or manager are shitty that will put your recovery in danger but if you're working with good people then even if the customers are arseholes its much easier. anyway in the short term you need the money and it must be a relief to know you'll have some coming in, if you don't like it once you're in and have your finances sorted you can start putting feelers out for other positions.

i couldn't ever work in a restaurant. i did one shift waiting on, 5 hours, and just being around the smell of food that long made me so ill. like i couldn't even keep down orange juice by the end of the night. hopefully you have a stronger/less picky stomach than me.

well done for not isolating. its so much easier when you're not stuck in your own head the whole time. its so easier to completely lose perspective and your grip on reality. having decent people around is so important.

are you doing meetings or anything?

i'm ok. i have moved house. moved in last weekend. getting the cats settled has been hard, and the baby cat has barely let us have a full nights sleep all week cos he's been so stressed. despite me getting all the cat calming shit i could in the local pet shop- honestly spent like 50 quid on different plug in things, drops, and supposedly calming treats.

had managed not to purge in my new house until last night. i'd eaten something very rich and creamy and just as i'd started feeling like it was very uncomfortable to have that in my stomach, my boyf announced he was going out to the shop. i was already gearing up to try and do it with him in the house. urgh anyway then i continued eating leftovers and did it again but hid it as an alcohol induced puke. had intended not to drink in this house at all and have already. only managed 2 nights off this week, though not been drinking super excessively except last night.

@yubacity - you know what i'm gonna say, why aren't you in rehab yet!?!?!?!?

 

[yubacity]

well done for getting a job!!! i don't think it matters what it is, as long as it isn't hell- like if it turns out your team or manager are shitty that will put your recovery in danger but if you're working with good people then even if the customers are arseholes its much easier. anyway in the short term you need the money and it must be a relief to know you'll have some coming in, if you don't like it once you're in and have your finances sorted you can start putting feelers out for other positions.

i couldn't ever work in a restaurant. i did one shift waiting on, 5 hours, and just being around the smell of food that long made me so ill. like i couldn't even keep down orange juice by the end of the night. hopefully you have a stronger/less picky stomach than me.

well done for not isolating. its so much easier when you're not stuck in your own head the whole time. its so easier to completely lose perspective and your grip on reality. having decent people around is so important.

are you doing meetings or anything?

i'm ok. i have moved house. moved in last weekend. getting the cats settled has been hard, and the baby cat has barely let us have a full nights sleep all week cos he's been so stressed. despite me getting all the cat calming shit i could in the local pet shop- honestly spent like 50 quid on different plug in things, drops, and supposedly calming treats.

had managed not to purge in my new house until last night. i'd eaten something very rich and creamy and just as i'd started feeling like it was very uncomfortable to have that in my stomach, my boyf announced he was going out to the shop. i was already gearing up to try and do it with him in the house. urgh anyway then i continued eating leftovers and did it again but hid it as an alcohol induced puke. had intended not to drink in this house at all and have already. only managed 2 nights off this week, though not been drinking super excessively except last night.

@yubacity - you know what i'm gonna say, why aren't you in rehab yet!?!?!?!?

How you doing mate how is your new home I should not laugh at your planned purge but been there so many times I started purging myself. Even planning meals like lasagna because the richness just makes me uncomfortable and you have no choice but to purge .

The more you plan in your head not to drink in your new place the more it will fuck with your head just go with the flow. I be truthful rehab is what I need but want to do it without having to discuss my past. He is dead now I should respect him for bringing me into this world making me a man hard work self-respect and above all respect for others no matter what class. I don't want to concentrate on the bad he treated our lorry drivers like family I never starved as a kid got clothes cars trucks great grandad and father in law he just a bit of a cunt to us boys. Sometimes the Punjabi way the best way hide your true feelings put on a brave face and be truthful only to yourself when alone . At the moment I can discuss my feelings here with words but once I break that taboo of doing it in person where will it stop.

 

[yubacity]

Rio my brother have you got a passport can you travel to the states i mean you not banned from entering the US

 

[yubacity]

How you doing brother how is the job and your bird

 

[Jabberwocky]

i been wondering the same- bit worried we've not heard anything.

both rio and yuba, get in rehab!! now!

yuba- they won't make you talk about anything you don't want to. they'll prod you but they aren't gonna force you. so stop using that as an excuse not to go. plus they may be able to help you resolve some of your feelings, cos even though the past won't change, your feelings about it can.