My boy got a DUII

[lolis my thesis]

So he was doing 70 past the police station; got locked up for the night. Got issued what's called a diversion; he had a year, but he failed going to meetings, doing community service, or passing drug tests. He now has a warrant; I assume, as failing diversion means conviction to felony DUI. He needs to spend a couple nights in the pen; when he gets caught. He never even told his mom; even though she must know he hasn't been driving for a year, thank goodness for everyone else's sake as well as his own. He told me he was dating one of his mom's Costco coworkers at the time(haha); and had his mom's xanax on him and cocaine too. Luckily for him my state just decriminalized personal use amounts of any drugs.

He already went thru three years of therapy for being caught with a speck of weed as a freshman in highschool. Now he does not even smoke weed; but he never said a word to his therapist. She told me that in confidence when she realized I was her dad one day at the skatepark. Your son didn't talk much; but I knew that. Years of therapy he did not want as punishment for the prison pipeline we call high school.

I feel for the poor guy; he cant even bring himself to open his email; as it certainly contains bad news. He was kinda screwed by a public defender that was sick on the day of his Zoom court appearance; the substitute defender was not familiar with his case; when the judge asked him, what have you to say for yourself, my son said, um nothing?
No dressing up for a court appearance, nobody to vouch for his employer or work history, or anything to help his cause. He is a kind and empathetic young man. I would hire him a lawyer if I thought he wanted me to.
I also want him to go to rehab so as to get some sober time and some meetings under his belt. But as it sits he is my alcoholic/addicted 21 year old room mate who I love dearly; but don't exactly know if I can help get him out of his jam.
Just waiting for the night he doesn't come home because he is in jail. I only worry about that outcome as I also know he will be kicking kratom, nicotine, alcohol all at the same time.
I wish I could pre-emt that outcome for the kid; mostly because I care about his welfare more than anyone else; and he is a very kind young man, kid.

 

[somnilicious]

He could get lucky and they could possibly reinstate his probation/diversion. Happened to me and I was able to complete w/o a DUI on my record.

 

[S.J.B.]

My younger brother got two, and it brought a lot of stress to my parents. He was lucky; they replaced the second one with a lesser charge due to the inability of the courts to keep up with cases once Covid hit. Otherwise, if he was found guilty, he would have gotten a mandatory minimum of a month of prison.

I got in much more serious trouble, but it happened early and didn't reoccur, so my parents are less stressed about me (perhaps undeservedly).

Hopefully your son gets the point and doesn't repeat the same thing that caused him so much of a hassle.

 

[lonelyDude]

So he was doing 70 past the police station; got locked up for the night. Got issued what's called a diversion; he had a year, but he failed going to meetings, doing community service, or passing drug tests. He now has a warrant; I assume, as failing diversion means conviction to felony DUI. He needs to spend a couple nights in the pen; when he gets caught. He never even told his mom; even though she must know he hasn't been driving for a year, thank goodness for everyone else's sake as well as his own. He told me he was dating one of his mom's Costco coworkers at the time(haha); and had his mom's xanax on him and cocaine too. Luckily for him my state just decriminalized personal use amounts of any drugs.

He already went thru three years of therapy for being caught with a speck of weed as a freshman in highschool. Now he does not even smoke weed; but he never said a word to his therapist. She told me that in confidence when she realized I was her dad one day at the skatepark. Your son didn't talk much; but I knew that. Years of therapy he did not want as punishment for the prison pipeline we call high school.

I feel for the poor guy; he cant even bring himself to open his email; as it certainly contains bad news. He was kinda screwed by a public defender that was sick on the day of his Zoom court appearance; the substitute defender was not familiar with his case; when the judge asked him, what have you to say for yourself, my son said, um nothing?
No dressing up for a court appearance, nobody to vouch for his employer or work history, or anything to help his cause. He is a kind and empathetic young man. I would hire him a lawyer if I thought he wanted me to.
I also want him to go to rehab so as to get some sober time and some meetings under his belt. But as it sits he is my alcoholic/addicted 21 year old room mate who I love dearly; but don't exactly know if I can help get him out of his jam.
Just waiting for the night he doesn't come home because he is in jail. I only worry about that outcome as I also know he will be kicking kratom, nicotine, alcohol all at the same time.
I wish I could pre-emt that outcome for the kid; mostly because I care about his welfare more than anyone else; and he is a very kind young man, kid.

DAD yes ?

hire the lawyer now.

gray suit not white not black not coloured as normal as possible.

more important than any work crap reference is a letter from an AA or NA sponsor.

load of crap if you ask me but it works as it shows recognition of the problem and seeking help.

you being there will prove he has support which is just as important.

both of you must be slightly scared if people see you but not petrified and no cocky or aggressive behaviour at all.

these dress wearers are not the nice fairy type there damb right evil and will eat someones heart as quick as piss on them.

but no lawyer no game man.

even done right this is not guarantee.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

So he was doing 70 past the police station; got locked up for the night. Got issued what's called a diversion; he had a year, but he failed going to meetings, doing community service, or passing drug tests. He now has a warrant; I assume, as failing diversion means conviction to felony DUI. He needs to spend a couple nights in the pen; when he gets caught. He never even told his mom; even though she must know he hasn't been driving for a year, thank goodness for everyone else's sake as well as his own. He told me he was dating one of his mom's Costco coworkers at the time(haha); and had his mom's xanax on him and cocaine too. Luckily for him my state just decriminalized personal use amounts of any drugs.

He already went thru three years of therapy for being caught with a speck of weed as a freshman in highschool. Now he does not even smoke weed; but he never said a word to his therapist. She told me that in confidence when she realized I was her dad one day at the skatepark. Your son didn't talk much; but I knew that. Years of therapy he did not want as punishment for the prison pipeline we call high school.

I feel for the poor guy; he cant even bring himself to open his email; as it certainly contains bad news. He was kinda screwed by a public defender that was sick on the day of his Zoom court appearance; the substitute defender was not familiar with his case; when the judge asked him, what have you to say for yourself, my son said, um nothing?
No dressing up for a court appearance, nobody to vouch for his employer or work history, or anything to help his cause. He is a kind and empathetic young man. I would hire him a lawyer if I thought he wanted me to.
I also want him to go to rehab so as to get some sober time and some meetings under his belt. But as it sits he is my alcoholic/addicted 21 year old room mate who I love dearly; but don't exactly know if I can help get him out of his jam.
Just waiting for the night he doesn't come home because he is in jail. I only worry about that outcome as I also know he will be kicking kratom, nicotine, alcohol all at the same time.
I wish I could pre-emt that outcome for the kid; mostly because I care about his welfare more than anyone else; and he is a very kind young man, kid.

While I am not a parent, I kind of came close to being in a similar situation as your son. Nearly 20 years ago I was off the rails and got 2 DWIs within 3 months of each other. Yes, my parents were disappointed and cared about my welfare. I think the hardest thing for my parents to do was let me be an adult and face the music whatever that might entail. Luckily I had a decent job at the time and paid for my own attorney, who helped me avoid jail.

I know it may be difficult to take your hands off the reins but you can still support your son by giving him love and understanding. When I got my DWIs I had been driving a car my grandparents gave me. After the convictions, they immediately took the car back. It wasn't as much punishment as it was saving me from myself. Besides, I lost my drivers license for 5 years so if they hadn't take the car away, I surely would have gotten extra charges for driving on a suspended license. Honestly, had my family allowed me to keep the car or had they paid my lawyer fees for me or done anything else to shield me from accountability, they would have just been enabling my behavior and I would not have learned my lesson.

You said your son is a kind and empathetic young man and that doesn't have to change. Sometimes things like this can serve as a wake up call. I really hope he is able to learn from these mistakes and get out of this jam in the safest way possible. I'm not saying you have to go completely hands off. I still think you can help him by encouraging rehab, recovery meetings, etc, But as they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it. In the end, it has to be his decision to get help and not the decision of anyone else.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SON A LAWYER!!! I suggest throwing him in a rehab and being sure he can pass his first pisstest as this goes a long way to sway the court he is moving in the right direction. GET YOUR SON THE BEST LAWYER YOU CAN, that is your job as a dad. He may not know he needs one.....HE DOES!

 

[lolis my thesis]

Thanks you all; I want to get him a lawyer; I have taken his car away; he does not drive at all; and has learned, I believe, not to roll with anything in his body or in the car. He needs his license back; meantime he is laying low and going to work. His boss is actually a lawyer; he is just so ashamed to ever bring up the subject.
and he is very leery even rolling with friends due to them drinking. I always lectured him about making the police your friends but he got cocky and fearless. Now he is good and scared.
I will take these advices to heart believe me and welcome all you chiming in.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

My man. The first point of contact with the police is usually in a vehicle so perhaps him steering clear of the wheel while they are watching him would be good. The last time I caught a charge (sware on my life) the couple in the front had used rigs, suboxone, klonopin, and prechopped lines. Yet I ended up being the only one to catch a charge for "constructive possession of marijuana" aka this dude had a pot pipe in an old ass cd case that was closer to me than him At any rate you are a good father to ask. The police are not you or your son's friends, they are aiming to paint him as much a criminal as possible!

 

[lolis my thesis]

Okay not really befriend the police; They are not your friend! Apologize in advance if you don't want to read the following!

My son, my son, my son! My point to my kid was don't fear police; don't roll dirty. As a substitute teacher I knew his school/institution was the prison pipeline and I was scared stiff to even work there. My daughter transferred to a different school and graduated valedictorian. Then got a chemistry degree without a penny from parents or any debt.

His first contact with the police, long before his DUI, was when he got caught ditching class at 14. He got a minor in possession for residual shake in a corner of his backpack pocket; and one pipe that was being shared by three people. His rich friend happened to get in zero trouble; his parents scooped their son away, saying "We'll take care of him with a private therapist"; and that sufficed. Affluence protected their boy from consequence. That kid later became a blackout "bartard" (why did you park your car in the front yard?!) and heroin user.

One sad story; my son got in a fight with some kid; this guy had stolen Richie Rich's weed and also had a gun in his backpack; yep he brought a gun to a fistfight. Son took his gun and made him returned the stolen weed back to its "rightful" owner, the rich kid! I stole a QP from my roommate once and never got caught; even though everyone knew I did it. Karmic payback, I suppose. Also, when we were kids; a police officer would just smash your stash and that was enough. You could even return to the smashed bud later and retrieve it!

How's a parent supposed to protect their kids these days? Knowing of the trials of being subject to authoritarian rules and institutional abuse? Age16 my boy got his drivers license; he was constantly driving around with shatter packets all over the car. He would get pulled over but somehow being let go; but by 21, he violated the one rule I had set for him; never use alcohol and drive. But I naively believed my kid would not break rules designed to protect him. He got cocky; and got his DUI at 21. He also had cocaine and pills but Oregon had decriminalized personal amounts of hard drugs so he only got a fine for those items. That would have had put me in prison in my day; while they turned a blind eye to weed. I even got a BIV(traffic ticket with a note, Bong In Vehicle) of my own and my friends ridicule of me was my only punishment! My weed escaped detection nested in my junk. How times have changed. Ironically one of his classmates' dad was the spokesman for the OHP(Oregon Highway Control) but lost his position, being an evil motherfucker, he raped and beat his own kids; turns out he also abused the shit out of his wife; was eventually caught holding wife hostage at gunpoint. Pure torturous evil incarnate.

From ages 15 thru 18; my son had to visit the juvenile hall for therapy; every Mon, Wed, Friday afternoon. Oh so much wasted time and he couldn't or didn't keep up with school. I know his therapist; coolest chick in the world. She just said he never opened up at all during these marathon therapy sessions; he was a hard nut to crack. Like a coconut! But they were not going to let him slide until he peed clean. Eventually they let him stop treatment; maybe because he turned 18? He never was sorry for his pot use. He thought it was hypocritical of adults to crack the whip; yet go to the dispensary for their stuff. Legalized for adults; yet harsh punishment for some kids; mostly the under represented. Any adult could buy any pot product under the sun at the rec. dispensary. He quit his pot addiction on his own time as he stopped liking it. Gave him anxiety. But trouble from the law halted his education in its tracks!

His high school was indeed a cruel place; the jocks would hate on the skaters and call them scumbag stoners; while they were smoking pot in the locker room; with a wink and a nod from the coaches.
My son eventually got a GED; never peed clean for three years; he spent way more time not talking to his therapist/counselor/ or parole officer than he did in class. For a speck of weed.
His other buddy got residential rehab; marching the yard with everyone calling out their drug of choice; meth, alcohol, coke, ketamine, but for Tommy he yelled out POT. Institutionalized for a tobacco level infraction. He was in residential rehab for pot and he had also been smoking it in his own house since grade 3; easily available in most every parents home and especially Tommy's. Although my kid never peed clean; his parole officer finally tired of him, I guess, and let him off the hook. But the damage was done. All he wanted was a Pepsi!

I suggested he not fear the police; as in if you are not rolling dirty; no alcohol on board, you have nothing to fear!

Now he does not drive as he has no license; but he has held a job for the last three years, so I am pretty proud of him for that. We parents couldn't make him do SHIT; eventually he just grew up some; rejoined the family, but this trauma had already shattered us. His substance abuse had its role in breaking up his parents; we did not agree on parenting. I put a skate ramp in my wife's parking spot so I guess, my bad on that one! He's still on the outs with his mom; whom he has never informed about his DUI. So she says; "Why dont you ever come and see me". Once in a while she scoops him up and takes him out to the pub for some liquid courage. She's an alcoholic; carries a flask in her car.

What's my point; I don't fucking know. Tilting at windmills? Can't shut the barn door after the horse has already left? Or the darn horse wont partake of the water offered.
I love him unconditionally; at least he isn't estranged or unloved. I enjoy his company. He is easily my closest friend; even as we are codependent at this time. Im hurting and on methadone; he's alcoholic and may have a hard time ever getting a driver's license. I'm okay with Oregon's requirement of a breathalizer to start your car for DUI. Maybe an electric bike is in the cards.
Peace out

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

It sounds all too familiar. You are intelligent, you understand that school is basically a mechanism to heard teens into the system. *not saying you guys aren't dong your best to educate but look at what your allotted compared to the say military.
YOU GOT THIS. just make sure he gets a lawyer, I know in MI the first charge is usually exponged after completion of probation. Not sure how things are where you are at but just make sure your son takes probation seriously.

when i said point of contact i was mostly speaking for adults i suppose as the school is real up on kids to snitch right now.

HERE IS THE GREAT THING. You are his friend not just his parent, this will yield immense power, explain to him you been down similar roads and youll be right there to ride out his sentence with him! (if he does see jail assure he has commisary (sp) and visit him).

I am going to be dead 100. Your son seems like a smart compassionate young man with a healthy curiousity. I would say boys will be boys but there whole thing is wringing money out you like a sponge. As long as this doesn't get worse I think he isn't going through anything unusual

*all he wanted was a pepsi, just one peopsi!

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Okay not really befriend the police; They are not your friend! Apologize in advance if you don't want to read the following!

My son, my son, my son! My point to my kid was don't fear police; don't roll dirty. As a substitute teacher I knew his school/institution was the prison pipeline and I was scared stiff to even work there. My daughter transferred to a different school and graduated valedictorian. Then got a chemistry degree without a penny from parents or any debt.

His first contact with the police, long before his DUI, was when he got caught ditching class at 14. He got a minor in possession for residual shake in a corner of his backpack pocket; and one pipe that was being shared by three people. His rich friend happened to get in zero trouble; his parents scooped their son away, saying "We'll take care of him with a private therapist"; and that sufficed. Affluence protected their boy from consequence. That kid later became a blackout "bartard" (why did you park your car in the front yard?!) and heroin user.

One sad story; my son got in a fight with some kid; this guy had stolen Richie Rich's weed and also had a gun in his backpack; yep he brought a gun to a fistfight. Son took his gun and made him returned the stolen weed back to its "rightful" owner, the rich kid! I stole a QP from my roommate once and never got caught; even though everyone knew I did it. Karmic payback, I suppose. Also, when we were kids; a police officer would just smash your stash and that was enough. You could even return to the smashed bud later and retrieve it!

How's a parent supposed to protect their kids these days? Knowing of the trials of being subject to authoritarian rules and institutional abuse? Age16 my boy got his drivers license; he was constantly driving around with shatter packets all over the car. He would get pulled over but somehow being let go; but by 21, he violated the one rule I had set for him; never use alcohol and drive. But I naively believed my kid would not break rules designed to protect him. He got cocky; and got his DUI at 21. He also had cocaine and pills but Oregon had decriminalized personal amounts of hard drugs so he only got a fine for those items. That would have had put me in prison in my day; while they turned a blind eye to weed. I even got a BIV(traffic ticket with a note, Bong In Vehicle) of my own and my friends ridicule of me was my only punishment! My weed escaped detection nested in my junk. How times have changed. Ironically one of his classmates' dad was the spokesman for the OHP(Oregon Highway Control) but lost his position, being an evil motherfucker, he raped and beat his own kids; turns out he also abused the shit out of his wife; was eventually caught holding wife hostage at gunpoint. Pure torturous evil incarnate.

From ages 15 thru 18; my son had to visit the juvenile hall for therapy; every Mon, Wed, Friday afternoon. Oh so much wasted time and he couldn't or didn't keep up with school. I know his therapist; coolest chick in the world. She just said he never opened up at all during these marathon therapy sessions; he was a hard nut to crack. Like a coconut! But they were not going to let him slide until he peed clean. Eventually they let him stop treatment; maybe because he turned 18? He never was sorry for his pot use. He thought it was hypocritical of adults to crack the whip; yet go to the dispensary for their stuff. Legalized for adults; yet harsh punishment for some kids; mostly the under represented. Any adult could buy any pot product under the sun at the rec. dispensary. He quit his pot addiction on his own time as he stopped liking it. Gave him anxiety. But trouble from the law halted his education in its tracks!

His high school was indeed a cruel place; the jocks would hate on the skaters and call them scumbag stoners; while they were smoking pot in the locker room; with a wink and a nod from the coaches.
My son eventually got a GED; never peed clean for three years; he spent way more time not talking to his therapist/counselor/ or parole officer than he did in class. For a speck of weed.
His other buddy got residential rehab; marching the yard with everyone calling out their drug of choice; meth, alcohol, coke, ketamine, but for Tommy he yelled out POT. Institutionalized for a tobacco level infraction. He was in residential rehab for pot and he had also been smoking it in his own house since grade 3; easily available in most every parents home and especially Tommy's. Although my kid never peed clean; his parole officer finally tired of him, I guess, and let him off the hook. But the damage was done. All he wanted was a Pepsi!

I suggested he not fear the police; as in if you are not rolling dirty; no alcohol on board, you have nothing to fear!

Now he does not drive as he has no license; but he has held a job for the last three years, so I am pretty proud of him for that. We parents couldn't make him do SHIT; eventually he just grew up some; rejoined the family, but this trauma had already shattered us. His substance abuse had its role in breaking up his parents; we did not agree on parenting. I put a skate ramp in my wife's parking spot so I guess, my bad on that one! He's still on the outs with his mom; whom he has never informed about his DUI. So she says; "Why dont you ever come and see me". Once in a while she scoops him up and takes him out to the pub for some liquid courage. She's an alcoholic; carries a flask in her car.

What's my point; I don't fucking know. Tilting at windmills? Can't shut the barn door after the horse has already left? Or the darn horse wont partake of the water offered.
I love him unconditionally; at least he isn't estranged or unloved. I enjoy his company. He is easily my closest friend; even as we are codependent at this time. Im hurting and on methadone; he's alcoholic and may have a hard time ever getting a driver's license. I'm okay with Oregon's requirement of a breathalizer to start your car for DUI. Maybe an electric bike is in the cards.
Peace out

Thanks for sharing this, it makes things much clearer. I will redact, without deleting, the part of my post where I insinuated you should cut him loose and not help with the attorney.

Given the circumstances of the raw deals he has gotten from his school and the so called "justice" system, I think it would be very helpful if you could assist your son with hiring a good lawyer. I will also echo what smokeymcpot said about helping him take the probation seriously. In this instance, I think cutting him loose would be very detrimental to him as essentially, you are all he's got.

 

[AbbeyLee]

My younger brother got two DUIs.. Then died from a heroin overdose

He was more functional than me though and had a full-time job, a house, a partner and a kid. I'm the alco but never got done for drink driving (I never really did).

Anyway, I've got a 21yo daughter and she's done/does her fair share of drugs. I've been totally open with her, been the "cool" parent who she knows she can talk to.. But she doesn't.

My dad's partner gave me the best advice and said there's not a huge amount you can do as a parent. They don't want to talk to you about certain stuff no matter how cool you are.

So yeah the lawyer.. Money.

Maybe he should join here?


Good luck,
Abbey x

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

an any circumstance, even bupe rehab uncle sam looks at as "rehab" and an attempt to get your life straight. A psychol/psychiatrist would be good to. Bottom line is it looks good if you seem to have proactively went at the problem before LE can. Arraignment, pretrial, plea bargain, sentencing. He has alot of time to look good

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

just get the BEST LAWYER YOU CAN AFFORD, your son may not realize other than that you cannot protect him much, or he is being stoic......which I can tell you comes natural as a son. I am not ashamed to say I spent 12k fighting a misdemeanor constructive possession......at the time 3 days in jail would have been the same as a death sentence. Check your state laws, see if there is an easy out for first time non violent minors but really the lawyer is your sons best bet. Get several free consultations, ask criminals around town......the cards are down man. Jail ain't a joke (depending where you are) but mostly you can die real easy in jail and that is just part of the experience. Amnesty International has been working at our prison system for years will little reform.........There might be a first time catchall where everyone gets probation in your state.......IDK though, if not you NEED NEED NEED to get your boy an attorney. He is scared but trying to act strong because he knows he did wrong and wants to show you he can face the punishment. The punishment is not just and there is no need for him to march into the wood chipper......sorry got subjective there, dont know your relationship like that but somethin to think on real quick

 

[lolis my thesis]

You are very right and thank you! He was 21 when he got the DUI; so no exemptions for being a minor; but it was a first offense. He really got screwed by a SUBSTITUTE public defender; his first and only contact with her was at his hearing at "court". And she was unfamiliar with his case; he never met her in person at all.

Court was a virtual Zoom appearance. Nobody told him to sit up straight and act contrite; even! The judge wanted to throw the book at him as he had no statement prepared when she asked, "Well, what have you prepared to say for yourself?" He says 'Umm, nothing....I'm sorry?"
"Well you don't seem very sorry, but I'm giving you diversion anyway"

COVID kangaroo court over Zoom; non existent counsel by an ignorant public defender, could be argued (by his lawyer) as extraordinary circumstances; he had no fair chance to speak up for himself or dress spiffy for court. None of the normal formalities. Pretty sure he did court in his boxers, he legit didn't know any better; as they dropped all formalities with COVID and that definitely worked against him.

Failing diversion and avoiding subsequent court dates; guaranteeing him a conviction of DUI, is something that also must be copped. But if he can get any leniency I don't know; time for a lawyer!

 

[Jabberwocky]

My man. The first point of contact with the police is usually in a vehicle so perhaps him steering clear of the wheel while they are watching him would be good. The last time I caught a charge (sware on my life) the couple in the front had used rigs, suboxone, klonopin, and prechopped lines. Yet I ended up being the only one to catch a charge for "constructive possession of marijuana" aka this dude had a pot pipe in an old ass cd case that was closer to me than him At any rate you are a good father to ask. The police are not you or your son's friends, they are aiming to paint him as much a criminal as possible!

I know a couple, he's a cop and she's a teacher. She teaches the kids and he puts their parents in jail. I was always hesitant to say it but I think both my son's should seriously consider being cops once they get their 4 year degrees. It's not something I could ever have done, I don't have the temperament, but I think one or both of them definitely do.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

ah in my day they made us write what happened after school in a "school diary" just another way to snoop.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

Check for the HYYTA act which allows anyone under 27 (I think, someone correct me) to be able to get on probtion of course i only know the rule here..

 

[paranoid android]

He needs a good lawyer asap. my ass woulda been grass a few times without one

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

mine twice