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MXE: My problem child

Thanks for the info and support. Believe me - I would love to move to California. I've been there twice in my life and fell in love instantly both times. And sorry for the long posts - literally go days sometimes without talking out loud or to another human being - so once I start talking, I have quite a bit to say. Feel free to just disregard.

For the record - I have absolutely nothing wrong with Hippies, just the ones that live in my city. They aren't like normal Hippies at all. I've known and met lots of cool people that were Hippies, just never really became friends with them. The people here that are into those type of scenes - who go and see Dark Star Orchestra and Ekoostik Hookah and Papadosio all 5 times a year they play in my city............even those groups are super cliquey, and beyond that - there's this new breed of wannabe gangster / thug Hippies who think they're hard because they listen to a little bit of Hip Hop and Hustle Drugs, these "Hippies" even straight up carry guns. They just seem like walking contradictions. I've tried to befriend people of every genre there is - I do not discriminate whatsoever, but the majority of people that I run into are not like that. They have there little group, and if you aren't given an intro into their circle where someone vouches for you basically, good luck talking to anyone.

I asked this person who I met maybe 6-8 months ago - who is a Dreadlocked Hippie, almost the same age - I was getting trees from him. I asked him one day after I had met with him a few times if he wanted to kick it some time and just chill for a few - that I was trying to broaden my horizons and meet new people and I thought that we may have some things in common - and I should mention it was always Him and his Girl, so it's not like he thought I was gay. He just looked at me and was like - "I don't have time for all that, hit me up when you want something, I don't need friends, I need Customers". That's basically how 95% of people are here. The Love of my Life who I was with for 4 years was a "Hippie" for sure, but even she had no friends and couldn't meet people when she moved to my city. We literally spent 4 years, just us because we both couldn't find anyone with similar interests to hang out with.

This is my last comment about my life, and not MXE's seductive ways, because I know it's completely off topic. I just wanted to clarify - I have no problems with people who are Hippies - they are generally WAY more my speed than other people that I meet and are more likely to be open minded and on my level - but even the Hippie scene here is fucked. Even they are perfectly fine with using Heroin, Meth, Pain Pills - and not just casually, they just smoke and don't inject so they can still have a way to look down on you. If you went to a Festival here in the summer - you'll find an equal number of people selling Heroin, Coke, Crystal, Oxys, Perks - right along side genuine high quality "Family" LSD, Ketamine, MDMA, MDA, Mushrooms. People here are just strung the fuck out - and I'm over that shit. I may do MXE whenever I can find a reputable vendor, with good prices, and good quality - and I do generally IV - but I still live my life and try to be happy, not just be content being a Junkie, albeit alone. Seriously tho, just don't ever bother coming to Ohio, it's a fucking Black Hole of bullshit. I'm done ranting, I know this isn't a Social Thread.

Be Careful with the MXE kiddies..........I've done easily 100-200 grams in the past 4 years. I was there when the A.I.R.C.R. formed,then the UK ban, switched up to EU Vendors, then to some US Vendors that come and go. I've seen and done every polymorph and batch variety you can imagine. It is addictive, in multiple ways - but just like any "Drug", it's all about the positive aspects outweighing the negative.

For me, MXE still isn't boring, and still offers me insights into myself, humanity, being able to pick up on other people Vibes, and helping push me to dedicate myself to doing the things that I love instead of being stuck inside, in bed, depressed. I fucking hate Subutex - it is such a Hustle by the Doctors, and just barely keeps me well - but is so fucking hard to get off. I made it 21 days, and was STILL in awful, crippling W/D's. Subutex is reason #1 why I still use MXE - it competes with and overtakes the Subs weighing me down and depressing me. I wonder a lot if I would still use MXE, or felt the need if I got off of Bupe. I hope I get to see one day real soon because I am fed the FUCK UP with Buperenorphine. It is nothing more than Big Pharma becoming your Dope Dealer. I got off of Heroin 3 time Cold Turkey easier than this shit. It just never fucking quits, but I'm getting off topic again. There's my true introspective thoughts on MXE, which this thread has made me think a lot about in the past few days.

Thank You to those who Listened, to those who were Critics of what I said and am doing, and Thanks to those that offered advice on both sides of the fence. I may live in a bit of a fantasy land that I've created - but I still choose to be 100% honest with myself and will admit when something I said was out of line. Being stubborn and keeping the same opinions when brighter ideas are shared is pointless and ignorant - my goal is to grow everyday as a person, to be more open and versatile as a human being, to be more compassionate and empathetic. The person I'll be tomorrow, won't be who I was today - because if you aren't learning, listening, and taking in both critique and praise and putting it to use equally, you're just remaining stagnant, stuck in place. That's something that MXE has taught me. Being Self Aware in this day and age is really important, at least to me. Take Care BL - Thanks for the support and everything in between. That's why I come here.
 
Not having friends to hang out with isn't a big deal. I don't hang out with anybody either. As you noticed, most "friends" are really just fairweather friends. I don't go to bars either, just like you. I did when I was young but I just got sick of it. Doesn't do a damn thing for me now. Bars are just businesses. Why should I give my money to some company, which would no doubt have you thrown out at the slightest whim, like say they thought you were drunk. Also, nobody goes to bars but skanky bar sluts and the creeps who actually want to have sex with them. You can socialize on forums for comradery.

I also haven't met anybody in recent history that I would like to hang out with. Everybody I've ever met in jobs and stuff have been jerks and jerkettes. There's a lot of messed up people in this world and they eventually reveal their unworthiness of being my friend. I just try to be polite and cooperative with everyone but I can't say I want to spend personal time with any of them. People who have lots of friends are people with low standards. I'm a little more selective. I find that avoiding other people has made my life nice and stress free. If I'm around other people any length of time conflict inevitably arises. I don't feel any need to be physically in the same room with other people. The thought actually kind of disgusts me. I become very self conscious if people are right there looking at me for long periods. I can only tolerate the presence of others for short periods. But, yeah, MXE does make a nice companion sometimes. Life is pretty damn boring without drugs really.
 
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All I can say to moving somewhere else to make everything better is this: "Wherever you go, there you are".
 
jason7 said:
Not having friends to hang out with isn't a big deal. I don't hang out with anybody either. As you noticed, most "friends" are really just fairweather friends. I don't go to bars either, just like you. I did when I was young but I just got sick of it. Doesn't do a damn thing for me now. Bars are just businesses. Why should I give my money to some company, which would no doubt have you thrown out at the slightest whim, like say they thought you were drunk. Also, nobody goes to bars but skanky bar sluts and the creeps who actually want to have sex with them. You can socialize on forums for comradery.

I also haven't met anybody in recent history that I would like to hang out with. Everybody I've ever met in jobs and stuff have been jerks and jerkettes. There's a lot of messed up people in this world and they eventually reveal their unworthiness of being my friend. I just try to be polite and cooperative with everyone but I can't say I want to spend personal time with any of them. People who have lots of friends are people with low standards. I'm a little more selective. I find that avoiding other people has made my life nice and stress free. If I'm around other people any length of time conflict inevitably arises. I don't feel any need to be physically in the same room with other people. The thought actually kind of disgusts me. I become very self conscious if people are right there looking at me for long periods. I can only tolerate the presence of others for short periods. But, yeah, MXE does make a nice companion sometimes. Life is pretty damn boring without drugs really.
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I couldn't agree more. The way Society has become, to me is so Painfully Shallow and just plain Sad and Depressing, especially where I live - that I'd rather just be alone than put up with the bullshit. There are frequent occasions where I physically feel Pain just because of the complete Lack of Compassion and Harshness of Life in the World that we live in general. Technology is a Wonderful Creation - but it also is just creating an even bigger gap between economic classes. People practically expect you to have an I-phone, an I-pad, the most killer new Laptop - things that people who are the working Poor and living on the line of Homelessness and Extreme Poverty just do not have access to and won't for a very long time.

Technology has become our Society in a way, and it completely disregards those that don't have the funds to afford a Computer, the internet, or a smartphone. The only Technology I have is a 4 year old Laptop, and the Internet - and if my Laptop died, I don't know what I would do. I could never afford one. I just hate the way people, outside of work where it's required to be social at most jobs - They just don't TALK to each other anymore. New People I meet, we barely converse, they just play on their phones all day, whether it's some stupid little free game, or just texting and texting instead of actually talking. The world is so Impersonal and becomes worse everyday. It just makes me sad inside. I've had more productive conversations on BL in the past 2 years+ than I have in "The Real World".

My main problem that arises from this tho, is an inability to hold a job. Everywhere I try and work - I show up early, go to work Sober, work hard and do as I'm asked - even if it sucks and I absolutely hate what I'm doing - but I have NO desire to really associate with the people who I work with, whatsoever. I'm always Nice and Polite, I talk to them if they talk to me - but I always end up getting fired because I'm "Not a Team Player", because I don't have anything in common with the people I work with, no matter where I work - and eventually, they just find some sneaky excuse to get rid of me. I've gotten to the point that sometimes, I just give up for months and don't work. I have food stamps, so I always can at least eat, and a little bit of money comes my way every now and again - but other than that, it's to the point where I'm trying to just get on SSI or SSID because I just straight up CANNOT keep a job for more than 3 months.

And I do agree, to an extent, that it's not where you are, it's what you make of it - but the statement for where I live that fits more is "Misery loves Company". People here, it seems, just hang out to have something going one in there lives. They talk shit about their "friends" when they aren't around - it just seems like the only reason people hang out is to cause Drama to have something to talk about or participate it. I'm not interested in my life being like Jerry Springer or some shit - and I also want to actually spend quality time with people if I'm going to be around them. Do things that are interactive - make art together, make music, activities that bond people together - not draw them apart. I wish to an extent that I lived in the 60's or 70's instead of now. Things are just so much more shallow now. It just makes me sad.
 
I live in inner city Columbus, Ohio and can attest to the fact it pretty much sucks Mr. Meow. Never had an issue holding down a job here though.
 
phuckingnutz said:
All I can say to moving somewhere else to make everything better is this: "Wherever you go, there you are".
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True that, however if one of your issues is not being able to relate to the types of people where you live, moving can indeed solve that issue, if the issue really is just that you don't fit in. I've lived in places where there is hardly anyone I can relate to, and places (place) where there are lots of people I can relate to, and my quality of life is better here, without a doubt.

Either way, thank god for the Internet and places like this. Bluelight/PD was my savior for years before I lived here, when I had absolutely no one in my life I could share these types of things with. I don't know what I would have done without it.
 
haha Meowfish, the way i see it you are a normal human being. What happens to you happens to me in the same way. Only jobs i can hold are those who don't require to relate to other human beings. My best job ever was night conciergue in a residencial area where nobody used to come ever. They paid me just to be there, doing nothing, with my internet and my books and my regular breaks to smoke some weed.

nowadays i work as translator and language teacher, which is good too, as i have no boss neither colleagues to relate to
 
This is so sad considering I've been on BL for quite a bit, but.......................Beavesmx44 - will you send me a PM, I can't figure out how to send you a message.
 
Maybe you're not aware that dissociatives can kill your social skills? I watched this on me (Don't say this is your case), and was taking dissociatives just 1 time a week... I used to prefer dissociate myself than go out and have fun with others. Now, it's a little bit less natural to have fun with mates. But social pleasure is important if you want to stay equilibrate, and not fall in the addictive pattern. Hum, that's was just my two cents ^^
 
^I found MXE to make me more confident in my daily self and I started making friends outside my usual social group once I started using MXE, so I have to disagree with that. Some days I would indeed forego seeing friends to do MXE, but on the whole it has made me a more​ social person. My 2c as well.
 
MXE helps me to be social too. I use it like most people uses alcohol in the western world, to increase my empathy, patience and interest towards others.
 
One thing I think people really need to watch out for with frequent MXE use is delusional thinking. Pop your head into the Big and Dandy MXE thread and you'll see a lot of very delusional ideas being taken very seriously by those who abuse MXE. Certainly a lot of us have what a lot of "normal" people would consider strange ideas as a result of psychedelic drug usage, but it seems particularly pronounced in the heavy MXE users. I feel like this is definitely the result of being able to use such a seriously mind altering substance on a daily basis. I'd probably get pretty twisted too if, for example, it were possible for me to trip hard on LSD every day.
 
I completely agree that MXE can make you very Delusional with Heavy Use - but the one thing I will say in regards that statement.

Who's really to say what's Delusional? Not one Person now living on the Planet Earth can actually say that have any fucking clue what Life is or isn't, let alone what the fuck we're doing on this planet, what the purpose of our existence is, etc. There are so many basic questions about what it means to be a Human Being that not Science (Yet) not Chemistry (Yet), not Mathematics (Yet) can even come close to answering. Any Philosophical sort of question, doesn't really have a right or wrong either - because most of the questions one would ask can neither be proven or disproved. We live in a world where either you have Faith in some belief system or you don't. To me - who's to say what Delusional even is anymore? What our Society needs more than EVER right now, is people who are not scared to think outside of the box, not scared to be laughed at and ridiculed for taking a trip out into left field and deciding to never come back. To me, people who are Christian are no more Delusional than people who are Atheist - neither side can TRULY PROVE that they are right or wrong with ACTUAL evidence.

Thus, why I am Agnostic. The day that we decide we have all the answers about life and don't need to do any more Soul Searching, the day we decide we no longer NEED to push our limits and grow as Individuals AND as a Race - is the day Human Beings become Stagnant. Being stuck in Motion in no way to live, and as Evolution proves, that which does not Evolve with the times becomes quickly outdated and no longer serves a purpose to an extent. Delusion is nothing more than someone outside of your personal Internal Universe having the ability to let go of their preconceptions about things and look at something in a new light. Think of all the Beauty in Life that would be lost if their were never people who had "Delusional" ideas like Nikola Tesla, or Abraham Lincoln, or Steve Jobs?? Our Race will always need people who are willing to take the chance and allow themselves to be "Delusional" for their time period in Human History - otherwise, think of where we could still be..............Black People could still be Slaves if there wasn't that one "Delusional" fucking crazy White Guy. I know that's a pretty drastic example, but just saying. Sometimes Delusion is part of the process in being a Genius.
Bring on the MXE mother fuckers. This ones for the good of Mankind ; )
 
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