Mental Health Multi-diagnosis who feels f'm five ways from Sunday

[CrazyBirdGuy]

I have very little quality of life. I'm only 28 and can hardly stand and, when I do, I fight pain every step, but fucking hell I still fight so I can be on my own feet. If you looked at me you would see only a stiff right leg causing a limb and sweat from my forcing myself to walk but that's only the surface. I'm too fucking young to feel this damned old and, as if I didn't fight against enough physically, I have PTSD and type 1 Bipolar.

I fight everyday, oh fucking hell do I fight. You don't survive my hell without being able to fight like a monster when needed. But still I feel so isolated, so alone.My own so-called father put a bullet in my back, I fell to one knee, stood back up, turned to face him and walked right up to him, swatting the rifle away while he looked at me in shock and I told him "Next time you pull the trigger on me, kill me, or I will kill you." and, yes, that makes it sound like I'm one badass mother fucker, and maybe I am but I'm a motherfucker who wakes up in panic 3 out of 7 nights of a week, 3 of 7 on good weeks, one who looks over my shoulder everything a truck sounds like his and am so paranoid I can't sleep without both guns and short range bladed weapons at my bedside.

I live a hollow life, either fighting the suffering, mental and physical, that my youth caused or ready to fight the demon of my youth yet again. Yeah, I'm fucked.

 

[herbavore]

Wow, that is one horrendous story and it's unclear from your post if you are actually still living in the same house. I hope not. I'm not sure what country you are writing from either so not sure what to recommend as far as some help from social services. Living with so much fear untreated sounds exhausting. Was your father charged with a crime and is he incarcerated?

 

[CrazyBirdGuy]

No, I'm bout 2000 miles from that house of hell, thankfully. And I'm in the USA. I have some help from social services and I do have a home care helper who comes once a week to help pre-fix some meals so i have something to just grab on my really bad days. She's a sweetheart, most the time we're just talking or cleaning the house. . .ok I try to help clean the house but then she fusses at me when my hands start shaking because I'm pushing myself too hard.

The best thing about her visiting is having company besides just my fiance. I'm house bound most the time because outside my apartment things aren't set up for if I need to deal with a health problem so I only go out on my best days when it's safest to.

As for my sorry, violent, confirmed psychopath of a father, he never got arrested or charged or anything for what he did to me because his side of the family has a shitload of influence when it comes to the legal system. I'm talking blackmail on a lot of law enforcement personnel, most of the judges in that area are scare to cross that family because, well, connections. It's a huge ball of corruption in that region and, due to that, my so-called father, along with most of that side of the family, can literally get away with murder, some already have. It's really fucked up.

I'm just glad to be so far from him now. Granted I can never feel totally safe while he's alive because he has traveled rather far before to try to hunt me down because he thinks he owns me just because his sperm part of what made me. He's, well, very dangerous. I know it sounds extreme, and trust me, the full story would make most cringe repeatedly. I would like to share my full story, if anything to see if there's others here who know what it's like to survive what I had to, even if their situation wasn't as horrid as mine. That kind of support among those who know a bit of what it's like to have to fight for your survival is very strong and can save a live if someone is going through a very dark time.

Sadly, due to the rules of not posting anything triggering, I can't share my story here because a lot of what I went through could easily be a trigger for survivors of abuse. Just as sharing such things can bring people together, it can also be a painful thing. So due to the trigger rule I just have to keep quiet bout most the details. But I can handle that, goodness knows I've had to keep quiet about it in the offline world enough, I can do it here too.

Also, sorry for being a bit of a rambling whiner here. Not feeling well at all and, when I feel like this I tend to ramble on both in text and face to face conversation.

 

[strity1994]

No, I'm bout 2000 miles from that house of hell, thankfully. And I'm in the USA. I have some help from social services and I do have a home care helper who comes once a week to help pre-fix some meals so i have something to just grab on my really bad days. She's a sweetheart, most the time we're just talking or cleaning the house. . .ok I try to help clean the house but then she fusses at me when my hands start shaking because I'm pushing myself too hard.

The best thing about her visiting is having company besides just my fiance. I'm house bound most the time because outside my apartment things aren't set up for if I need to deal with a health problem so I only go out on my best days when it's safest to.

As for my sorry, violent, confirmed psychopath of a father, he never got arrested or charged or anything for what he did to me because his side of the family has a shitload of influence when it comes to the legal system. I'm talking blackmail on a lot of law enforcement personnel, most of the judges in that area are scare to cross that family because, well, connections. It's a huge ball of corruption in that region and, due to that, my so-called father, along with most of that side of the family, can literally get away with murder, some already have. It's really fucked up.

I'm just glad to be so far from him now. Granted I can never feel totally safe while he's alive because he has traveled rather far before to try to hunt me down because he thinks he owns me just because his sperm part of what made me. He's, well, very dangerous. I know it sounds extreme, and trust me, the full story would make most cringe repeatedly. I would like to share my full story, if anything to see if there's others here who know what it's like to survive what I had to, even if their situation wasn't as horrid as mine. That kind of support among those who know a bit of what it's like to have to fight for your survival is very strong and can save a live if someone is going through a very dark time.

Sadly, due to the rules of not posting anything triggering, I can't share my story here because a lot of what I went through could easily be a trigger for survivors of abuse. Just as sharing such things can bring people together, it can also be a painful thing. So due to the trigger rule I just have to keep quiet bout most the details. But I can handle that, goodness knows I've had to keep quiet about it in the offline world enough, I can do it here too.

Also, sorry for being a bit of a rambling whiner here. Not feeling well at all and, when I feel like this I tend to ramble on both in text and face to face conversation.

Would love to hear the full story.